M/M Fanfiction

He’s able to lift his eyes, but his breath hasn’t sorted itself out yet. He watches Phillip’s chest rise and fall and concentrates on making his own match. It’s not that bad, this time. Either he’s getting better, or getting lucky. He falls into a cross-legged position once he’s got it all under control, and Phillip does the same.

“What’s wrong?” Phillip’s voice is low and shaky, the earlier excitement sucked right out of him. 

Nothing is on the tip of Lukas’ tongue. His go-to denial. It’s always worked for him in the past.

Then again, has it?

“Sometimes…sometimes it just gets hard for me to breathe. Stupid, huh? Helen said maybe I should talk to someone about it. Like a shrink or something. Someone who fixes crazy people.”

Phillip puts an arm over his shoulder. “You’re not crazy.”

“Yeah, right.” He rolls his eyes and pushes back the hair clinging to sweat on his forehead. “I mean, you went through worse than what I did, and you’re not going nuts.”

“First of all, I didn’t get shot and lie in a coma for days, so not exactly the same thing. And secondly, the only reason I’m not…” Phillip stops and swallows. “Not ‘going nuts’ is because…I have you.”

Shit, that nearly takes the air from his lungs again. But in a good way, somehow. In the I mean something to the person I love way. And he really cannot stop thinking that L word, can he?

Still, it’s a little hard to believe. “Me?”

“Yes, you.” Phillip tugs him closer, into his embrace. “I have you making me go outside, go back to school. Making me remember how to laugh and smile again. Reminding me what being happy feels like.”

He’s really doing all that? Well, damn. That’s a confidence boost. Maybe even more than the one he got from the discovery of his mad blowjob skills. 

“This may come as a surprise to you…“ Phillip’s hand slips into his and they play their dancing fingers game. “But I’ve been through tough times before, without you, and it…it wasn’t good, being alone. It’s much better with you.”

Lukas sighs and presses a kiss to Phillip’s temple. Phillip is a warrior compared to him. “I’m sorry. After everything you’ve been through…you’re amazing, really.”

Phillip shifts in his arms. “I…haven’t always been amazing,” he says quietly. “There were some really shitty moments where I wasn’t amazing at all.”

The words cause a swift plummet back to reality—to the truth of Phillip’s tough times. No matter how hard things ever were for Lukas growing up, he always had food in his stomach and a roof over his head. But Phillip…Phillip’s seen a much darker side of the world.

“Hey.” He gives Phillip a little jostle. “You made it here. That counts for a whole hell of a lot.” 

Phillip lifts half his mouth in a sad grin. “I guess so. And it was worth it. If I actually had…uh, given up any of the times I wanted to, I wouldn’t have met you.” 

Lukas closes his eyes, a desperate but pointless attempt to block out just what given up really means. He can’t think about that, can’t imagine a life without Phillip in it. If any tough times come near Phillip again, he’ll raze them to the fucking ground. It’s his job to protect Phillip now.

“And if I hadn’t met you,” Phillip continues, his smile growing, “I wouldn’t have been there to see you kinda sorta starting to come out to your friends today.”

Oh, right. That. Lukas’ stomach plummets into a whirlpool of sick fear and his breath catches in his throat again. “Huh. Yeah.”

“I mean, I’m not sure they’ll get what you meant—“ 

“They’ll get it. Keith Horner saw us hugging on the roof and the rumors had already started.”

“Oh.” Phillip blinks. He scoots back slightly so he can face Lukas. “So you like, actually came out.” His eyes grow wider with every word, filling with excitement and wonder. “You came out and you told everyone we’re together.”

Shit, he looks so fucking happy. It’s enough to calm some of the storm in Lukas’ gut. This day was coming, one way or another. At least he’s taken charge—kind of sort of accidentally—and impressed the hell out of Phillip. He should really just let them bask in it.

“I don’t think it’s gonna be like how you want it to be,” he blurts out instead. Why enjoy the moment when he can go for Lukas-style awkwardness?

“Huh?” Phillip’s delight is wiped away by a frown. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Great. Instead of celebratory sex, he now has to explain all the deep, dark worries swimming around inside him.

“Out here.” He clenches his jaw and inhales slowly, just to make sure he still can. “It’s not like the city. It’s not gonna be some fairy tale. People are gonna make fun of us and talk shit and be jerks. Not everyone, but some people for sure. Some adults, even.” 

Phillip nods slowly. “Yeah, well, people already make fun of me and talk shit about me, so no real change there.”

“It is for me.” Lukas frees his hand from Phillip’s and sinks it into the dirt. He’ll be strong—for Phillip—but that sure as hell doesn’t mean he’s looking forward to the coming shitstorm. “It’s gonna suck.”

For a moment, neither of them speaks. Lukas concentrates on digging a hole in the ground, since he’s done just about the same to this conversation.

He can feel Phillip’s sad eyes on him, tracking his progress. “Then why’d you do it?” Phillip asks quietly.

Lukas snorts. “Uh, because I love you.” 

Oh, holy shit. He did not just say that out loud.

Phillip’s jaw drops open and his brows rise up so high they’re lost behind the flop of hair on his forehead.

So…yeah. He’s said it out loud. Perfect.

That sort of shit is supposed to be said in the right moment. And romantically, like it’s super important and meaningful…not with the same tone of voice he uses to say things like duh.

Phillip closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. His lips tremble slightly. “Wh-what?”

Well, the damage has been done, obviously, and backing out now would only make it worse. “I love you?” Lukas repeats, only this time it comes out as a question. As in, is that okay? Because that’s how it is.

Phillip launches forward, tackling him to the ground and pinning him with a frantic kiss. His fingers scramble around in the soil until they lock onto Lukas’ and stay there, leaving them pressed together from head to toe.

Their lips are still touching as he speaks. “I love you, too, Lukas. I love you.”

And that’s how you were supposed to say it. With those shining eyes and in that breathless voice. Because hearing those words, that way, made all of Lukas’ insides melt into a puddle of sappy this-is-the-best-moment-of-my-life goop.

Shit, he’s so sapped up he might even cry. A couple of swallows fixes that, luckily, and he manages a shaky smile. “Bet you didn’t think I’d say it first.”

Phillip falls back onto him with another kiss. “You didn’t. I said it first, at the hospital. Before your dad kinda walked in on me kissing you.”

“What?” Well that was slightly terrifying—that his father might’ve known Phillip loved him before he did. “That doesn’t count. I was in a coma!”

“Not my fault you were lazing around like sleeping beauty.” 

“And what, you were trying to help with true love’s kiss?”

“Oh my God, you’re such a dork, Lukas.” 

He can’t let that slide, so he rolls over quickly, taking Phillip with him. Now he’s on top, staring down at the perfect picture that is a laughing Phillip. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.” Phillip grins up at him, and Lukas’ whole world is in that lopsided smile. There’ll be shitty days, sure, but if at the end of them Phillip can look up at him like this, like he’s actually someone, then fuck everything else. 

He loves Phillip Shea. Phillip Shea loves him. That’s all there is to it. 

He kisses Phillip, long and deep. It makes his legs turn to rubber, and by the way Phillip can only half open his eyes when they’re through, it’s probably doing about the same to him.

“You still wanna go to that party at Simone’s?” Lukas asks, only because he’s pretty damn sure of the answer. “We can if you want.”

“Some other time.” Phillip draws him back in for another tongue-twisting kiss. “Right now, I think I just want to be alone with you. That okay?”

“Hell yes.” Even with all he’s screwed up, he’s played enough cards right to wind up here. With Phillip in his arms, with sex and cuddling and more lazy moments spent kissing in a sunny field to look forward to. It’s almost like he’s got everything figured out.

“Besides, Helen and Gabe want you over for dinner. Said something about explaining ground rules to us or something?”

“Ew, seriously?” Well, almost figured out. “Screw that. Let’s go to the barn instead.” And just in case his message isn’t clear enough, he presses into Phillip’s groin until he gets a reaction—from both of them. Hell, maybe the field is safe enough for a little action.

“Okay, okay.” Phillip wiggles out from under him, cheeks flush. “First one to the bike gets to drive!”

“What? No way!”

He gives Phillip a head start—he has the keys, after all—before taking a deep, full breath of sweet spring air and racing after him.

“Lukas?” Simone calls out to him as he slings his bag over his shoulder and crosses into the hallway.

“I gotta, um…uh…” Ah, hell. “I gotta find Phillip.”

She stops short, and he darts into the oncoming stream of students.

Way to go Lukas. Why don’t you just kiss him in front of the whole school and be done with it. He’s running out of lies, and if his stupid inner voice is any indication, he’s going to crack at any second. That now-familiar tightening in his throat and chest starts up again.

But Thank God, there’s Phillip, standing by the doors to freedom. 

“Hey, man.” He walks toward him too quickly. And exactly how many feet should he keep between them to seem…not gay?

“Hey.” Phillip pinches the bridge of his nose. The dark circles around his eyes are back.

“You okay?” Lukas steps closer. And shit, he is definitely standing way too close now.

“Yeah. I mean, okay-ish. Just kinda tough being back here. I feel like everyone’s either pitying me or avoiding me… more than usual.” Phillip offers up a sad little smirk.

Lukas clenches his jaw shut. If he tells Phillip about the rumors now, it’ll only make things worse. What he needs to do is grab Phillip, get to his bike, and get them the hell out of here. Without actually grabbing Phillip, of course. 

“You wanna, um…” He slams his hands into his pockets and points with his elbow toward the parking lot. He’s not over today’s awkwardness, apparently, because he can’t make eye-contact with Phillip for long.

Phillip follows his lead, stuffing his own hands in his pockets as well. So they’re just two friends, walking along with their heads down and a totally normal amount of space between them.

Lukas is staring so hard at the ground he doesn’t see the group by his bike until it’s too late. Fuck, he’s led them right into a trap.

A trap, or friends with questions—whatever. They’re practically the same thing. Eric and Carter and Rose and even Simone are there now. When did she slip around him? Eric’s leaning on his bike, the fucker. If Lukas could afford to waste his air, he’d chew him out.

“Simone’s got the house to herself tonight,” Eric announces. “Gonna be a pretty chill party, though. Just gonna drink and hang. You in?”

“Uh…” He takes too long exhaling. Bad idea, when inhales are getting harder to manage. 

“C’mon, man, you need to just relax, right?” Eric play-punches him in the shoulder, and he stumbles back. “After everything, you deserve it. You’re wound up way too tight. Jake’s coming…you guys can clear the air.”

Rose’s eyebrows are little zigzags of worry, but she can’t help him now. And Phillip…Phillip is back to memorizing all the spots of dirt on his shoes. He’s made himself invisible, even while standing in the middle of this whole conversation.

Because that’s what Phillip does. Makes himself, makes what he wants, totally invisible while other people’s needs take center stage. He did it with his mom, with Lukas, and maybe he’ll even do it with the next guy he ends up with.

But there can’t be a next guy. There just can’t.

“I dunno.” He bumps Phillip with his shoulder. “What do you think? Wanna go?”

Phillip’s head jerks up and he blinks several times, like he’s just gone from darkness to sunlight. “I…um…”

Eric stares at both of them, eyes sliding back and forth warily. “Oh. I mean, I guess Phillip can come, if it’s okay with Simone.”

“Sure, yeah.” Simone can’t possibly look less interested as she nods, eyes glued to her phone. 

“Great.” Lukas tries to step around Eric. “Maybe I’ll see you guys later, then.”

Eric stands slowly, but doesn’t move aside. “So…” he begins, and that one stretched-out syllable makes all the hairs on Lukas’ neck stand on end. “Are you and Shea like, best friends now? After the whole kidnapper-murderer thing or something?”

Well, damn. That was a nice little lie, right? They’ve been through some crazy shit together. They’ve bonded. They’ve defended their lives together and now they’re comrades in arms…blood brothers. Lukas and Phillip, badasses and best friends. Yeah, that has a nice ring to it. He can totally work with this.

“Lukas?” Rose says softly, drawing him back into the moment. Phillip’s returned to his shoe inspection, and everyone else is still staring at him, waiting.

“We’re…” He shakes his head. “We’re more than friends.” 

“You wanna?” Phillip says, pupils blown wide, breathless, already reaching for his wallet so he can get his condom and those little packets of lube.

“Mm. In a minute.” Lukas scoots down further, giving himself space to slip his hand into the waistband of Phillip’s boxers. He clamps down on Phillip’s dick with a firm grip, and the gasp Phillip lets out in response is absolutely perfect.

“Kinda wanna try something,” he says while Phillip is still melting into the mattress, letting out little mumbles of pleasure.

Phillip’s always had him pegged. He is so into Phillip. He’s that guy. He’s gay and he definitely likes dick.

Enough that he’s ready to give blowing one a shot.

Phillip’s probably way more experienced at this, but he has to start somewhere. It’s too bad he never got a blowjob himself…maybe he could’ve used some of that information.

Step one is easy at least. He lowers Phillip’s boxers, leans over, and draws Phillip’s length into his mouth.

Phillip lets out a loud, shaky sigh. So far, so good.

Now what? Fuck he needs to watch more porn. He ends up deciding on a slow up and down motion—not too deep, though, because he’s not sure about his gag reflex—with gentle pressure from his tongue and lips.

Phillip arches up on the bed and groans. Shit, he’s hot like this. Completely lost in the moment, eyes rolling back, mouth hanging open, chest heaving. It’s enough to get Lukas going without even having to reach back to help himself along.

“Shit, shit, Lukas,” Phillip gasps, and then pushes Lukas away. Just in time to let the spurt of his release arch up and land squarely on his stomach.

Lukas sits up and catches his breath. Does this mean he’s…good at blowjobs? Great, even? It’s only been a minute or so.

“Shit, I’m sorry.” Phillip bites his lip. “I should’ve lasted longer than that.”

“Are you kidding? That was like, the hottest thing ever.” He laughs and drops down to kiss Phillip, forgetting he’ll wind up with a sticky chest.

Maybe they can shower together later.

“Well, can I return the favor?” Phillip asks, already beginning to kiss his way down Lukas’ neck. He licks at a spot in the hollow of Lukas’ collarbone.

This day just keeps getting better and better.

Phillip’s kiss trail is all the way to his quivering stomach by the time the car rolls up outside.

Fucking hell.

“I thought you said your dad wasn’t going to be back for hours!” Phillip groans, already rolling off the bed to retrieve his clothes.

“He’s not supposed to be.” Lukas springs into action, too—nothing gets rid of a hard-on faster than the thought of his father walking in on him. He throws on a t-shirt and straightens the sheets of his bed. “Just…go sit at my desk and pretend we’re studying or something.”

Phillip rolls his eyes. “Is he gonna be mad I’m here?”

Lukas scratches his head and moves to peer out the window. It’s his dad, all right, but at least he’s taking his time unloading the truck before coming inside.  “Nah. I mean, I dunno. We haven’t really talked much since I overheard him that night. Not about anything real, anyway.”

“Why not?” Phillip dutifully takes a book out of his backpack and opens it in his lap. “I mean, that’s kind of a big thing to just…ignore.”

“You’ve met my dad. Sort of.” Lukas sighs. “He doesn’t talk about things. He just keeps it all in until one day he explodes.”

So many explosions, over the years. So many moments where he’s had to huddle with his eyes squeezed shut while his usually-silent father erupts into drunken yelling and throwing things and the occasional backhanded slap.

“Huh. Well at least we know where you get it from.”

“What?” He turns sharply to stare at Phillip. “What the hell does that mean?”

“Seriously?” Phillip snorts and turns the page of his book. “Really doesn’t remind you of someone—keeping stuff in until it makes you explode and do stupid things?”

Stupid things? Like drinking too much and hitting your son…or popping pills and punching out Jake Gardner?

His stomach turns and he clamps his mouth shut, breathing slowly through his nose to beat back the sudden queasiness.

Fuck Phillip and his ability to always know him.

“Lukas?” His dad clambers into the kitchen downstairs. “Lukas, you up there?”

He should really go down to meet him. Cut his dad off before he gets a chance to come upstairs and be all awkward around Phillip. But he’s still working on breathing, and on not thinking about Jake’s bloody face when he pummeled him.

“Lukas?” His father has reached the hallway. “Came home early to see if you wanted to—” He stops short at the door. “Oh…I didn’t realize you…”

“Hi, Mr. Waldenbeck,” Phillip says, but he’s nervously clutching his book and he doesn’t make eye contact for long.

His father gives them a curt nod and heads off again.

“Well, that went smoothly,” Phillip mumbles under his breath.

“Yeah…” Lukas rubs his necks uneasily. “I better go see what he actually wanted.”

He catches up to his father in the kitchen, where he’s thankfully not going for the liquor cabinet.

“I thought you weren’t going to be home until later.”

“Yeah,” his father says, but doesn’t turn to look at him. “I thought I might come early to see how your first day back at school went…see if you wanted to…watch the game tonight or something.”

“Oh.” Watch the game is code for father-son bonding time. Sometimes his father even tries to delve deep during commercial breaks and make some sort of connection—it used to be about his classes at school, or the girls he liked, or his latest motocross stunts.

Now? Who freaking knows what they have to say to each other.

“Well, Phillip’s still here, so I’m just gonna…” He tries for a quick escape, backing up toward the stairs.

His father stops him from leaving with a firm hand on his shoulder. “Son, I—“

Lukas stares at a spot on his father’s chest. Whatever comes next probably won’t be good.

“I realize I haven’t…apologized. For what you heard the other day. I wasn’t thinking about what I was saying, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

Lukas slowly raises his eyes to his father’s face. It looks truly pained, with his gray-blond brows knit together and his forehead creased with deep, sun burnt wrinkles.

He swallows hard and licks his dry lips before speaking. The smart thing would be to take this olive branch, get the hell away, and rush back to Phillip.

But he’s never been that smart. “Yeah, you did mean it.”

His father drops his arm and steps back. “No, no, son, I—”

“It’s okay, Dad. I get it. Being like this means I have to…I have to face more things than some other people. I get why you wouldn’t want that for me. But it’s just the way I am.”

God, has he ever said this much real shit to his father in one breath? He has to pause a moment to regroup.

“And…there’s a lot of things I need to change about me…but liking Phillip isn’t one of them.”

This honesty stuff is terrifying, but it’s also the strongest he’s felt in ages. He’s not slinking away and leaving things to fester until they explode. He’s telling it just like it is, getting it all out in the open. It may mean years more awkwardness with his father, but it has to be better than tension so thick the air isn’t breathable. Besides, he only has a few years left where he has to live under this roof.

His father nods slowly. “I know, son. I…understand.”

For a moment, all Lukas can do is blink and stare. His father…actually understands? He’s not prepared for a response to that one.

“Go on up to Phillip.” His father turns away and opens the fridge. Maybe he’s not ready to say more, either. Thank God.

Lukas heads to the stairwell, nervous energy keeping the heels of his feet from touching the ground. He’s almost prancing—and damn that’s gay.

His father calls out to him when he reaches the first step. “And uh, is he staying for dinner?”

“Nah.” He won’t do that to his father…yet. “We can, um, watch the game if you still want.”

Son duties fulfilled, he races up to his room, where a worried Phillip is standing in the doorway.

His hair is still all messed up from earlier, and he makes it worse by sticking his fingers into it as he sighs. “You were gone for a while, I thought maybe—“

Lukas hugs Phillip and whirls him around to walk him toward the bed. “Nope. Everything’s fine. Everything’s great. Amazingly great.”

“Yeah?” Phillip laughs as he falls back onto the mattress. “So great we’re gonna hook up with the door open and your dad downstairs?”

“Don’t freaking tempt me,” Lukas says. For now, he can just admire Phillip lying there, sex-tossed hair on his pillow, perfect lips grinning up at him. For now, for once, he can just be completely happy.

His phone dings in his pocket, and he pulls it out to read the incoming text, from Rose.

What? His phone buzzes back. I’m in class.

It’s important. He stumbles to his feet after his last text, making all twenty-three students and the teacher stare up at him. “Gotta use the bathroom,” he announces, and he must really still have some of those pity points because Mrs. Decker actually lets him go without a word.

By the time he bursts out the heavy metal door and into the crisp air, dread is starting to press at his lungs. God, not this again. He squats down and leans over, sinking his head to his knees.

He’s not going to flip out this time. No way in hell. He knows how to breathe. What was that thing Helen had done? In and out, in and out. You’ve got this.

“Lukas?” Phillip’s arm lands on his back. “Are you okay? Are you having another panic attack?”

His chest opens at Phillip’s touch, and air rushes in. Thank God.

He slowly stands back up, blinking away the last traces of dizziness. “Will you quit saying that? I don’t have panic attacks.”

Phillip frowns. “Well you look really pale.”

“That’s my natural color.”

No one could argue with that, really.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Phillip presses. He’s drawing closer. Close enough to kiss.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Lukas manages a tight laugh, and he reaches out to squeeze Phillip’s shoulder.

“Then what was so important that I had to rush up here in the middle of class?”

“I wanted to make sure you were okay,” Lukas answers, and it’s not quite a lie. “Your first day back at school and everything.”

Phillip shrugs. “Okay. Sure. It kinda sucks, but whatever. So how come you were all hunched over when I got up here, and it didn’t even seem like you heard me the first time I called y—”

“Jesus Christ, Phillip, let it go!” If Phillip doesn’t stop worrying about him, he’s going to scream. He needs to worry about Phillip right now. “I told you I’m fine. I just got antsy, having to sit in class and pretend like everything’s normal. Like we didn’t survive a serial killer kidnapping us and shooting me and …and doing what he did. So I wigged out a little, so what. It’s probably just ‘cause it’s my first day back around lots of people without the meds.”

Both Phillip’s brows shoot up. “Meds? What meds?”

Oh, hell. He hadn’t meant to go opening that can of worms.

“From the hospital. From when I got shot, remember? They gave me a prescription to take for the pain.”

Phillip’s look softens, and he gently rubs at the wound from above Lukas’ shirt. “Shit, yeah. Does it still hurt?”

Leaning into Phillip’s touch makes everything feel better. “Yeah, a little.”

“Then where’s the medicine now?” Phillip keeps stroking the spot.

Lukas breathes deeply and closes his eyes to soak it all in. “My dad took them.”

“How come?”

“He was worried I was taking too many.” 

The gentle massage stops short, and Lukas’ eyes fly open. Maybe there is such a thing as too much truth.

Phillip’s jaw is clenched. That’s a bad sign. “And were you?”

“Was I what?” God, he’ll never lose that dumb defense mechanism, will he?

It only makes Phillip’s expression grow fiercer. “Were you taking too many pills.”

“I mean, not that many… 

Phillip storms a few steps away, thrusting his hands into his hair. “What the hell, Lukas? What the hell is wrong with you? You seriously think after everything I went through with my mom that I’m gonna stick around with someone else who wants to—“

“No, no.” He chases after Phillip and blocks him off from the door. “No, I’m not. I’m not doing that, I swear. I was a little messed up after everything and maybe I did use a few more than I was supposed to, but it’s been days now and I haven’t taken a single more pill. Even though my shoulder hurts. I’m just gonna take the pain, okay? I won’t… I won’t use any more. I promise.”

Phillip’s not having it. He shakes his head and withdraws again, folding his arms. “It’s not just that.”

“What is it then? Whatever it is, I’ll fix it.” The words tumble out too fast. Mrs. Decker would call it all talk. He’s still falling short on the action.

“You turn to everything else before me.” 

What? “I’m here with you right now. What are you talking about?”

“I mean, you were upset, and instead of coming to me, you decided to abuse pain medication, beat up some kid…you even talked to Helen before you told me what was going on.”

Oh.

“Why do you always choose me last?” Phillip’s voice is hoarse, struggling past emotion.

Lukas chews on his lip, buying himself time to come up with the right answer. There’s not much action he can take on a rooftop. All he can do is explain himself, and he’s never been too great at that. “Don’t you get it? I was supposed to be there for you, Phillip. You lost your mom, and I don’t remember all of how that feels but I remember enough to know it fucking sucks. I was supposed to be the strong one, and instead I was just a pathetic mess. I fucked everything up and I blamed myself and…and you deserved better.”

Phillip’s jaw finally unclenches. “You…you don’t have to be the strong one,” he says quietly.

Lukas arches a brow. “So, what, you’re gonna be the strong one?”

Phillip snorts, and his mouth actually quirks up in a half-grin. “Maybe neither of us is ‘the strong one.’ But maybe we can be stronger…together.”

Lukas blinks a few times. “That is the corniest thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

They both burst into relieved laughter, drawing them back toward each other. Lukas reaches out and unfolds Phillip’s arms so he can hold him close, tuck his head in against Phillip’s neck and just rest there, secure in their embrace.

Maybe he can’t make it six hours without touching Phillip. At least there are ways to get the fix he needs.

The door to the roof swings open suddenly and they jump apart. Keith Horner, resident pothead, scratches his ass as he walks out to join them.

“Hey, dudes. Just gonna smoke some. You wanna?” He holds out a joint.

“Um, nah, we gotta get back to class,” Lukas says, fighting to keep a straight face as Phillip is giggling across from him.

“Yeah, man, cool.” Keith lights up, already ignoring them, and Lukas and Phillip scramble away.

They clamber down the steps, but before they reach the hallway, Lukas grabs Phillip’s shirt and yanks him into a kiss. He doesn’t let go, instead backing Phillip into the corner of the stairwell and making it clear this isn’t just some little smooch. This is enough of a fucking kiss—legs entwined, lips smashed together, tongues tangling—that they’re both going to need a minute to cool down before they can be seen in public again. 

“Come to my place after school?” Lukas whispers in Phillip’s ear, and maybe not-so-accidentally bucks up against his crotch.

“What about your dad?” Phillip is breathless and glassy-eyed.

“Shouldn’t be home for hours.”

Rose turns her head to stare up at the clouds. “No. I mean, maybe in some fantasy world. I’m not gonna lie. Being your girlfriend was kind of awesome.”

He snorts. In the history books he’ll have to go down as one of the world’s worst boyfriends. He’s cheated, he’s manipulated, fuck he’s even filmed her grinding on top of him and released it to everyone they knew. He should be in fucking jail or something.

“I mean, I wasn’t even that popular, ‘cause I’m not one of the cookie-cutter girls, and you picked me. I thought it made me special.”

Lukas shakes his head. “Because of me? Hell no. I picked you because you were special.”

The nice girl, the girl with the different kind of beauty, and yeah, if he’s being fucking truthful, the girl who seemed like she wasn’t going to be rushing to have sex. But she definitely did have something special, even if he hadn’t appreciated it the way he should have.

Rose laughs. “You see? That right there. You’re sweet, Lukas, even if you claim not to be.”

He rolls his eyes. “I’m the worst.”

She laughs again. “Sort of. But anyway, there were good times, and I’ll…miss them. Even so, I’d never use a relationship with you to win some popularity contest now.”

Shit. Like he had?

“Besides, we can have some good times again in the future, as friends, right?”

She smiles at him hopefully, and it sends an arrow of pain through his heart. He doesn’t deserve her. “Rose…I’m an asshole.” 

She tilts her head and waits for him to say more.

Fuck, coming clean hurts. But if the last few weeks have taught him anything, it’s that he literally can’t breathe when smothered in hidden guilt. Sure, everything might explode when he tells the truth but at least it’ll be over.

He squeezes his eyes shut so he can get it all out. “I’m the one who released that video. Of…of you and me. I wanted people to stop talking about me and Phillip and…and I’m a total fucking asshole.”

He peels back one lid at a time to see her face again. She’s searching the sky, deep in thought.

“Is that why you wouldn’t let me take my clothes off?”

He nods, throat too tight to speak.

She exhales, her chest falling slowly. “I kind of had that figured.”

What? Then why is she still talking to him? And why on earth are they still holding hands?

“Phillip was always going around with his phone taking videos, and once I knew about you two… it’s the only thing that really made sense. Plus you were super weird that day. Besides the not getting it up part.”

That failure still stung, even if it wasn’t something he’d actually wanted.  Still pretty humiliating, and only Rose’s kindness—or deliberate blindness—let him live it down at the time.

But this isn’t supposed to be about selfish old him anymore. “I don’t even know what to say. I can’t apologize enough for what I did. I’m the worst asshole in the world and I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to tell everyone about me and Phillip, or never see me again, or…whatever.”

Rose glances over at him, her lips pursed. “Yes. You are an incredible asshole.”

Finally, someone is going to let him have it. It’s a relief, actually, and he clenches his teeth, ready for the onslaught.

“Good thing you’re in assholes’ anonymous now. Is it a twelve-step program? Do they give you a little chip for every day you’re not an asshole?”

His mouth drops open, and her rosy cheeks light up with her grin. “Don’t worry. I’m sure I’ll think of some way you can make things up to me.”

He shakes his head. “Rose, you can’t—I mean, I don’t deserve—”

“You don’t control me, Lukas Waldenbeck.” She stands and brushes the grass from her jeans and sweater. “I gotta get back home. See you at school tomorrow. And no more fighting, or I’ll take away your asshole recovery chip and you’ll have to go back to step one.”

She blows him a kiss and laughs as she saunters away, leaving him alone in the field to process what the hell just happened. He grabs handfuls of dirt from both sides, proof the ground underneath him hasn’t given way, like he always expects it to. It’s completely solid. Everything has become more solid, more real, since Phillip. All the fake, flimsy parts of his life are shaping up into something he can actually stand on.

“So you wanna play the blame game, then? ‘Cause we can do that.”

How is any of this a game? But Phillip is launching away before he can get his traitorous voice to say anything out loud.

“You may have told me to keep quiet, but you don’t control me as much as you think you do. I could’ve told Helen right from the beginning. I made the choice to listen to you, so then really, it’s my fault, right?”

Oh, God, no. Of all the horrible ways this could be going…

Lukas jerks forward to clutch Phillip’s arms. “N-no, no, Phillip—” His hands are pushed away, and he ends up uselessly tugging on Phillip’s wrists. “It’s not your—”

“Or actually, I did decide to tell Helen.” Phillip can’t be stopped. Not with that glint in his eye and that tightness in his jaw. “Only, she didn’t believe me fast enough, did she? She could’ve been on that motherfucker’s case a lot sooner. So it’s her fault.”

Lukas drops his hold on Phillip and slouches back, head spinning. Like he’s on one of those scrambler rides at the fair, whirling in rhythm, and there’s nothing left to do but be tossed around until the ride ends.

“But if you really think about it,” Phillip continues, “I wouldn’t even have been in Tivoli if my mom had gotten clean just one of the times she said she was going to. So maybe it’s her own fault.”

What? The ride stops and he’s left plastered to the wall, pinned by Phillip’s glare. Phillip’s eyes are narrowed into angry slits and his nostrils are flared…but somehow, the fury doesn’t seem to be directed at him. Phillip doesn’t actually mean what he’s saying.

More like he’s making a point. An oh, shit really good goddamn point.

Lukas’ mouth drops open. “I’m an idiot.”

Phillip always has to be so much smarter, doesn’t he? The blame game could go on forever, with enough tiny pieces of if only I’d for everyone. Go on forever and change nothing.

“Yeah, you’re an idiot.” Phillip shakes his head, and the mask of anger drops. “You’re an idiot but you’re not anything like that…that piece of shit.” His last words come out strangled, like he’s fighting to stay pissed as hell and not let out the sadness lurking underneath.

Lukas nods. It’s all he can manage, but it’s a start. He’s not a fucking murderer. He’s not. A thousand different choices might’ve kept Anne Shea from getting murdered, but only one man’s choice actually caused it. Phillip’s smart and right and beautiful and amazing and he’s so stupidly lucky to be in bed with him right now.

Phillip’s hand inches up towards his on the mattress until their fingertips touch. “I don’t know if my mom ever would’ve gotten better. But she was still my mom. I love her and…and she’s gone.”

Relief that maybe he’s not the root cause of all this shit is cut short. Phillip’s hurting. He has to do something…but what on earth can possibly make this kind of pain go away? How long had it taken him to stop feeling that raw ache in his heart after his mom died?

Phillip draws in a shaky breath and his fingers curl into fists around handfuls of blanket. He’s trying so hard not to break. “He took her away from me, Lukas. He took her!”

“Shit, Phillip.” Lukas’ arms open wide on instinct, and Phillip falls into them. “It’s okay, you can cry. It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

With one last shudder, the hot trails of Phillip’s tears begin to trickle down his chest. He squeezes Phillip closer, strokes his back and drops kisses along his forehead. All the things he should’ve been doing, right from the beginning. “I’m so sorry. I know it hurts. I know it hurts so much.”

His Aunt Margaret had held him, at his mother’s wake. Held him and rocked him and it didn’t take any of the pain away, but it was the only thing he’d had to cling to while his whole world changed.

Now he can do the same for Phillip. Has to. 

Phillip sniffles and pulls back to wipe his face against his arm. “Sorry, got a little bit of snot.” 

“Shut up.” He kisses Phillip, snot and all. I love you.

Holy shit, where had that come from?

But it’s true. It’s so true it’s about the only thing he’s completely sure of right now.  He’s in love with Phillip Shea, the boy from the city who turned his world upside down. Or right-side up? Or turned him into a freaking sap. 

Maybe he should tell him?

Phillip settles back against his chest with a sigh. “I miss her.”

Or maybe now isn’t exactly the right time. He presses a gentle kiss into Phillip’s temple. “I know.” 

“Yeah.” Phillip smiles sadly. “I know you do.” He shifts around, pulling Lukas with him so they’re lying beside each other, nose to nose. “I was making a video of her when you came in before.” 

Lukas tugs the blanket over both of them, cocooning them in warmth. “Yeah, I saw it.”

His voice cracks a little. He tries to cover with a fake cough, but Phillip’s way too quick for his tricks. “Is that why you ran off?”

“No.” Maybe. “I mean, shit’s been coming at me for days, and I guess I haven’t been dealing with it or whatever, so it all kinda hit at once. Sorry I freaked you out. I just felt like I couldn’t breathe and I needed some air.”

Phillip frowns and places his hand on Lukas’ chest. He rubs his thumb along the skin in a soft arc. “You had a panic attack?” 

“What? No.” He’s not some mental case. Or probably not. “Like I said, I just needed…out.”

“So why’d you come back?” Phillip presses his lips into Lukas’ collarbone, leaving a path of kisses along his neck.

“Couldn’t stay away from you?” Lukas answers, and gets a huff of a laugh as a response. “And I talked to Helen a little about… some stuff.” 

The kisses stop as Phillip draws back with his brows raised. “To Helen? You talked to Helen? Really?”

That attitude can’t go unchecked, so Lukas gently tickles Phillip’s side, holding him close when he tries to squirm free. “Fuck you. And maybe she doesn’t suck as much as I thought.”

“I guess that’s good to hear,” Helen’s voice breaks into the moment.

Shit! They spring apart to opposite ends of the bed and Lukas whirls around to face the doorway. 

Helen stands there, with Gabe by her side. She’s got this strange half-grimace on her face while Gabe is, of course, grinning like the stupid Cheshire cat.

“Oh. Hi, Helen. Hey Gabe,” Phillip says, and points to him for how chill he manages to make his voice. Lukas can’t even squeak out a basic greeting.

Helen sighs. “I’m not really sure how this works. You’re seventeen, you’re going to do what you’re going to do no matter what. I just hope you do it…safely.”

Oh, hell no. There’s no way he can handle lying here in Phillip’s bed with his shirt off listening to some sort of sex lecture from the sheriff.

“I know you boys have been through…too much, and you need each other right now, so I’m not going to ask you to leave, Lukas. I’ll let your father know you’re staying over. I only ask that you be responsible and…respectful. And maybe we keep the door open tonight, okay?” 

“Yeah, sure, Helen,” Phillip answers. Helen waits in the hallway, still staring at them, until Phillip jams an elbow into Lukas’ ribs.

“Right, sure,” Lukas coughs out. 

“Okay then. We can all eat breakfast together tomorrow.”

Gabe nods, still wearing his life’s-so-damn-amusing smile, and slings an arm over Helen’s shoulder. “And I’ll cook. Goodnight, boys.”

“’Night,” he and Phillip answer together.

Helen and Gabe head off, and Phillip bursts into laughter. “Shit, your face, Lukas. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Dude, we’re like half-naked rolling around in bed and she’s…well she’s the sheriff!”

Phillip laughs harder, and it’s the most perfect sound in the world. When he finally stops to draw in breath, Lukas grabs him close and kisses him firmly. “Hey, when my suspension is over, you’ll come back to school, right?” 

“Suspension? Helen said you got in trouble for fighting but I didn’t know—”

Lukas kisses him again to shut him up. “Yeah, for three days. It’s stupid and I know I was being an idiot but can you please focus? You’re coming back to school when it’s over.”

“I am?” Phillip raises a doubtful brow.

“Yeah.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I need you there.” 

Phillip stares at him for a moment without blinking. “Really?”

“Yeah, really, idiot.” He presses their foreheads together.

 Phillip’s arms snake around to his back where they tap out a little rhythm. “So have you given any thought to um…what you’ll say about us?” 

“A little.” He’s on the honesty-track right now, so he might as well keep going. “I don’t really have it figured it out.”

Phillip nods, moving their heads in sync. “Yeah, I get it.”

“Rose offered to be my cover, so we wouldn’t get bothered.”

The rhythmic tapping stops. “Oh. Okay. Well, like I said before, I’ll do whatever you want.”

Lukas shifts back so he can study Phillip’s face. “You’d be okay with that?”

“Yeah, sure. Whatever you want is fine.”

Phillip smiles, but it’s not the right smile. His lips are tight and there’s no little crinkle of the skin by his eyes.

“You don’t lie as well as I do,” Lukas says.

 The smile slips from Phillip’s face. “What?”

“Nothing.” He wraps Phillip back in his arms. “But you’re coming to school next week. I’ll be waiting outside to give you a ride.” 

“Into the parking lot and everything?” Phillip pokes his ribs.

“And everything.”

The tension melts away as Phillip’s body relaxes against his. Phillip closes his eyes and his breaths become longer and deeper. Making out more would be awesome, but it’s been a really long fucking day and sleep in Phillip’s arms might be even more amazing right now.