Evan has always lived up to expectationsâthose of his loving parents, his long-term girlfriend, and his religion. But even people with clear, bright futures can be a little lost sometimes.
A few clicks on the internet land him in a chatroom, where a random stranger becomes his confidant as he tries to find his way. Anonymous advice canât hurt, can it? But oddly enough, the more he gets to know this stranger with a silly screen name, the more he gets to know about himself. Messages turn to meetings, friendly chats become a deeper connection, and soon Evan is facing a very different futureâeverything he never wantedâbut maybe everything he actually needs.
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An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 10/10
Fandom: Beauty and the Beast (2017)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: LeFou/Stanley (Disney: Beauty and the Beast)
Characters: LeFou (Disney), Belle (Disney), Adam (Disney), Mrs. Potts (Disney), Lumiere (Disney), Stanley (Disney: Beauty and the Beast), Madame de Garderobe (Disney), Plumette (Disney), Chip Potts
Additional Tags: Insecure LeFou, sweet stanely, kindly mrs. potts, Belle and Adam are cool too, Post-Movie, Cannon compliant, Romance
Summary:
Canon compliant post-movie fic, starting with LeFou finding the body of his fallen friend and following his journey to his own HEA.
Hey, I just wanted to say that you're a REALLY good writer. :) where do you get your ideas from? I love it!
Thank you! I think the ideas come from an overactive imagination lol. I tried to keep myself from writing this because I knew it was going to eat up my time, but the story was just too loud :P I blame Disney and Josh Gad.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 9/10
Fandom: Beauty and the Beast (2017)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: LeFou/Stanley (Disney: Beauty and the Beast)
Characters: LeFou (Disney), Belle (Disney), Adam (Disney), Mrs. Potts (Disney), Lumiere (Disney), Stanley (Disney: Beauty and the Beast), Madame de Garderobe (Disney), Plumette (Disney), Chip Potts
Additional Tags: Insecure LeFou, sweet stanely, kindly mrs. potts, Belle and Adam are cool too, Post-Movie, Cannon compliant, Romance
Summary:
I tried so very hard not to write it, but I couldn't stop myself.
My brain's apparent take on post-movie events, starting with LeFou finding the body of his fallen friend and following his journey to his own HEA.
penultimate part is up!
And writing this has me using words like penultimate :P
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 8/10
Fandom: Beauty and the Beast (2017)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: LeFou/Stanley (Disney: Beauty and the Beast)
Characters: LeFou (Disney), Belle (Disney), Adam (Disney), Mrs. Potts (Disney), Lumiere (Disney), Stanley (Disney: Beauty and the Beast), Madame de Garderobe (Disney), Plumette (Disney), Chip Potts
Additional Tags: Insecure LeFou, sweet stanely, kindly mrs. potts, Belle and Adam are cool too, Post-Movie, Cannon compliant, Romance
Summary:
I tried so very hard not to write it, but I couldn't stop myself.
My brain's apparent take on post-movie events, starting with LeFou finding the body of his fallen friend and following his journey to his own HEA.
the (super light disney version of) smut chap is upÂ
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
â Live Streamingâ Interactive Chatâ Private Showsâ HD Quality
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An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 7/10
Fandom: Beauty and the Beast (2017)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: LeFou/Stanley (Disney: Beauty and the Beast)
Characters: LeFou (Disney), Belle (Disney), Adam (Disney), Mrs. Potts (Disney), Lumiere (Disney), Stanley (Disney: Beauty and the Beast), Madame de Garderobe (Disney), Plumette (Disney), Chip Potts
Additional Tags: Insecure LeFou, sweet stanely, kindly mrs. potts, Belle and Adam are cool too, Post-Movie, Cannon compliant, Romance
Summary:
I tried so very hard not to write it, but I couldnât stop myself.
My brainâs apparent take on post-movie events, starting with LeFou finding the body of his fallen friend and following his journey to his own HEA.
Few more chaps posted, and the entire draft is *gasp* complete which means it wonât be an endless fic :P
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 7/10
Fandom: Beauty and the Beast (2017)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: LeFou/Stanley (Disney: Beauty and the Beast)
Characters: LeFou (Disney), Belle (Disney), Adam (Disney), Mrs. Potts (Disney), Lumiere (Disney), Stanley (Disney: Beauty and the Beast), Madame de Garderobe (Disney), Plumette (Disney), Chip Potts
Additional Tags: Insecure LeFou, sweet stanely, kindly mrs. potts, Belle and Adam are cool too, Post-Movie, Cannon compliant, Romance
Summary:
I tried so very hard not to write it, but I couldn't stop myself.
My brain's apparent take on post-movie events, starting with LeFou finding the body of his fallen friend and following his journey to his own HEA.
Few more chaps posted, and the entire draft is *gasp* complete which means it wonât be an endless fic :P
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 4/10
Fandom: Beauty and the Beast (2017)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: LeFou/Stanley (Disney: Beauty and the Beast)
Characters: LeFou (Disney), Belle (Disney), Adam (Disney), Mrs. Potts (Disney), Lumiere (Disney), Stanley (Disney: Beauty and the Beast), Madame de Garderobe (Disney)
Additional Tags: Insecure LeFou, sweet stanely, kindly mrs. potts, Belle and Adam are cool too, Post-Movie, Cannon compliant, Romance
Summary:
I tried so very hard not to write it, but I couldn't stop myself.
My brain's apparent take on post-movie events, starting with LeFou finding the body of his fallen friend and following his journey to his own HEA.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 3/7
Fandom: Beauty and the Beast (2017)
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: LeFou/Stanley (Disney: Beauty and the Beast)
Characters: LeFou (Disney), Belle (Disney), Adam (Disney), Mrs. Potts (Disney), Lumiere (Disney), Stanley (Disney: Beauty and the Beast), Madame de Garderobe (Disney)
Additional Tags: Insecure LeFou, sweet stanely, kindly mrs. potts, Belle and Adam are cool too
Summary:
I tried so very hard not to write it, but I couldn't stop myself.
My brain's apparent take on post-movie events, starting with LeFou finding the body of his fallen friend and following his journey to his own HEA.
So... I am âtrashâ as they say, and Iâm writing a batb stanfou fic...
Pt. 1 | Pt. 2 | Pt. 3 | Pt. 4 | Pt. 5 | Pt. 6 | Pt. 7| Pt. 8 | Pt. 9 | Pt. 10 | Pt. 11 | Pt. 12 | Pt. 13 | Pt. 14Â | Pt. 15 or AO3Â
They canât talk while they ride, and thatâs perfect. He doesnât have the words right now. Phillipâs arms are so tight around him theyâre nearly crushing him, but thatâs good, too. He can focus on the pressure, focus on the slap of the air on his skin. Focus on the sound of the wind and the rumble of the engine. Anything but what the hell heâs just done.
He can go on for hours like this. Maybe he will. Except Phillip might actually have to loosen his grip a little before heâs severed in half.
As if in response, Phillip frees one of his arms to point toward an open field theyâve used for filming. Lukas almost ignores him, but now that heâs no longer being squeezed to death, he canât blame Phillip for the fact heâs still struggling to breathe.
He veers off the road and into the thick green. Heâs barely slowed to a stop before Phillip hops off and tears away his helmet, leaving his hair an adorable mess. A mile-wide smile stretches across his face, complete with wind-pinked cheeks.
âLukas, I canât believe youâŚI mean, I know it was kinda vague, but still, I canât believe youâŚyou justâŚâ
Phillip trails off as Lukas carefully dismounts from his bike. He takes off his own helmet and crouches down, resting his head on his knees.
You can do this. You know how to breathe.
Phillip kneels beside him. âLukas?â
Heâs able to lift his eyes, but his breath hasnât sorted itself out yet. He watches Phillipâs chest rise and fall and concentrates on making his own match. Itâs not that bad, this time. Either heâs getting better, or getting lucky. He falls into a cross-legged position once heâs got it all under control, and Phillip does the same.
âWhatâs wrong?â Phillipâs voice is low and shaky, the earlier excitement sucked right out of him.Â
Nothing is on the tip of Lukasâ tongue. His go-to denial. Itâs always worked for him in the past.
Then again, has it?
âSometimesâŚsometimes it just gets hard for me to breathe. Stupid, huh? Helen said maybe I should talk to someone about it. Like a shrink or something. Someone who fixes crazy people.â
Phillip puts an arm over his shoulder. âYouâre not crazy.â
âYeah, right.â He rolls his eyes and pushes back the hair clinging to sweat on his forehead. âI mean, you went through worse than what I did, and youâre not going nuts.â
âFirst of all, I didnât get shot and lie in a coma for days, so not exactly the same thing. And secondly, the only reason Iâm notâŚâ Phillip stops and swallows. âNot âgoing nutsâ is becauseâŚI have you.â
Shit, that nearly takes the air from his lungs again. But in a good way, somehow. In the I mean something to the person I love way. And he really cannot stop thinking that L word, can he?
Still, itâs a little hard to believe. âMe?â
âYes, you.â Phillip tugs him closer, into his embrace. âI have you making me go outside, go back to school. Making me remember how to laugh and smile again. Reminding me what being happy feels like.â
Heâs really doing all that? Well, damn. Thatâs a confidence boost. Maybe even more than the one he got from the discovery of his mad blowjob skills.Â
âThis may come as a surprise to youâŚâ Phillipâs hand slips into his and they play their dancing fingers game. âBut Iâve been through tough times before, without you, and itâŚit wasnât good, being alone. Itâs much better with you.â
Lukas sighs and presses a kiss to Phillipâs temple. Phillip is a warrior compared to him. âIâm sorry. After everything youâve been throughâŚyouâre amazing, really.â
Phillip shifts in his arms. âIâŚhavenât always been amazing,â he says quietly. âThere were some really shitty moments where I wasnât amazing at all.â
The words cause a swift plummet back to realityâto the truth of Phillipâs tough times. No matter how hard things ever were for Lukas growing up, he always had food in his stomach and a roof over his head. But PhillipâŚPhillipâs seen a much darker side of the world.
âHey.â He gives Phillip a little jostle. âYou made it here. That counts for a whole hell of a lot.âÂ
Phillip lifts half his mouth in a sad grin. âI guess so. And it was worth it. If I actually hadâŚuh, given up any of the times I wanted to, I wouldnât have met you.âÂ
Lukas closes his eyes, a desperate but pointless attempt to block out just what given up really means. He canât think about that, canât imagine a life without Phillip in it. If any tough times come near Phillip again, heâll raze them to the fucking ground. Itâs his job to protect Phillip now.
âAnd if I hadnât met you,â Phillip continues, his smile growing, âI wouldnât have been there to see you kinda sorta starting to come out to your friends today.â
Oh, right. That. Lukasâ stomach plummets into a whirlpool of sick fear and his breath catches in his throat again. âHuh. Yeah.â
âI mean, Iâm not sure theyâll get what you meantââÂ
âTheyâll get it. Keith Horner saw us hugging on the roof and the rumors had already started.â
âOh.â Phillip blinks. He scoots back slightly so he can face Lukas. âSo you like, actually came out.â His eyes grow wider with every word, filling with excitement and wonder. âYou came out and you told everyone weâre together.â
Shit, he looks so fucking happy. Itâs enough to calm some of the storm in Lukasâ gut. This day was coming, one way or another. At least heâs taken chargeâkind of sort of accidentallyâand impressed the hell out of Phillip. He should really just let them bask in it.
âI donât think itâs gonna be like how you want it to be,â he blurts out instead. Why enjoy the moment when he can go for Lukas-style awkwardness?
âHuh?â Phillipâs delight is wiped away by a frown. âWhatâs that supposed to mean?â
Great. Instead of celebratory sex, he now has to explain all the deep, dark worries swimming around inside him.
âOut here.â He clenches his jaw and inhales slowly, just to make sure he still can. âItâs not like the city. Itâs not gonna be some fairy tale. People are gonna make fun of us and talk shit and be jerks. Not everyone, but some people for sure. Some adults, even.âÂ
Phillip nods slowly. âYeah, well, people already make fun of me and talk shit about me, so no real change there.â
âIt is for me.â Lukas frees his hand from Phillipâs and sinks it into the dirt. Heâll be strongâfor Phillipâbut that sure as hell doesnât mean heâs looking forward to the coming shitstorm. âItâs gonna suck.â
For a moment, neither of them speaks. Lukas concentrates on digging a hole in the ground, since heâs done just about the same to this conversation.
He can feel Phillipâs sad eyes on him, tracking his progress. âThen whyâd you do it?â Phillip asks quietly.
Lukas snorts. âUh, because I love you.âÂ
Oh, holy shit. He did not just say that out loud.
Phillipâs jaw drops open and his brows rise up so high theyâre lost behind the flop of hair on his forehead.
SoâŚyeah. Heâs said it out loud. Perfect.
That sort of shit is supposed to be said in the right moment. And romantically, like itâs super important and meaningfulâŚnot with the same tone of voice he uses to say things like duh.
Phillip closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. His lips tremble slightly. âWh-what?â
Well, the damage has been done, obviously, and backing out now would only make it worse. âI love you?â Lukas repeats, only this time it comes out as a question. As in, is that okay? Because thatâs how it is.
Phillip launches forward, tackling him to the ground and pinning him with a frantic kiss. His fingers scramble around in the soil until they lock onto Lukasâ and stay there, leaving them pressed together from head to toe.
Their lips are still touching as he speaks. âI love you, too, Lukas. I love you.â
And thatâs how you were supposed to say it. With those shining eyes and in that breathless voice. Because hearing those words, that way, made all of Lukasâ insides melt into a puddle of sappy this-is-the-best-moment-of-my-life goop.
Shit, heâs so sapped up he might even cry. A couple of swallows fixes that, luckily, and he manages a shaky smile. âBet you didnât think Iâd say it first.â
Phillip falls back onto him with another kiss. âYou didnât. I said it first, at the hospital. Before your dad kinda walked in on me kissing you.â
âWhat?â Well that was slightly terrifyingâthat his father mightâve known Phillip loved him before he did. âThat doesnât count. I was in a coma!â
âNot my fault you were lazing around like sleeping beauty.âÂ
âAnd what, you were trying to help with true loveâs kiss?â
âOh my God, youâre such a dork, Lukas.âÂ
He canât let that slide, so he rolls over quickly, taking Phillip with him. Now heâs on top, staring down at the perfect picture that is a laughing Phillip. âOh yeah?â
âYeah.â Phillip grins up at him, and Lukasâ whole world is in that lopsided smile. Thereâll be shitty days, sure, but if at the end of them Phillip can look up at him like this, like heâs actually someone, then fuck everything else.Â
He loves Phillip Shea. Phillip Shea loves him. Thatâs all there is to it.Â
He kisses Phillip, long and deep. It makes his legs turn to rubber, and by the way Phillip can only half open his eyes when theyâre through, itâs probably doing about the same to him.
âYou still wanna go to that party at Simoneâs?â Lukas asks, only because heâs pretty damn sure of the answer. âWe can if you want.â
âSome other time.â Phillip draws him back in for another tongue-twisting kiss. âRight now, I think I just want to be alone with you. That okay?â
âHell yes.â Even with all heâs screwed up, heâs played enough cards right to wind up here. With Phillip in his arms, with sex and cuddling and more lazy moments spent kissing in a sunny field to look forward to. Itâs almost like heâs got everything figured out.
âBesides, Helen and Gabe want you over for dinner. Said something about explaining ground rules to us or something?â
âEw, seriously?â Well, almost figured out. âScrew that. Letâs go to the barn instead.â And just in case his message isnât clear enough, he presses into Phillipâs groin until he gets a reactionâfrom both of them. Hell, maybe the field is safe enough for a little action.
âOkay, okay.â Phillip wiggles out from under him, cheeks flush. âFirst one to the bike gets to drive!â
âWhat? No way!â
He gives Phillip a head startâhe has the keys, after allâbefore taking a deep, full breath of sweet spring air and racing after him.
Well, thatâs it folks. Thank you to my 3 to 4 readers XP You guys rock. Still looking for a beta reader/writing partner for original fiction...or maybe just anyone who wants to talk about writing...this has been a quieter fandom than Iâm used to.
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Found a Brazilian webseries. Not perfectâsome casting issues for the older adult parts, some random story threads, some zany randomnessâbut overall cuteness and a unique (and less tragic) reimagining of Romeo and Juliet
Pt. 1 | Pt. 2 | Pt. 3 | Pt. 4 | Pt. 5 | Pt. 6 | Pt. 7| Pt. 8 | Pt. 9 | Pt. 10 | Pt. 11 | Pt. 12 | Pt. 13Â | Pt. 14 or AO3Â
Has time always moved this slowly? Lukasâ leg bounces up and down, shaking his whole desk. His pencil rolls off the top and clatters to the floor. He leans over, picks it up, and stares back at the clock. Only thirty seconds have passed.
Fucking hell.
No oneâs said anything yet. Not out loud, anyway. But itâs still everywhere. His casual conversations have reached peak awkwardness. Eyes dart away from him too quickly. Whispering stops when he passes by. And he didnât miss the collective stare of what felt like the entire school when he and Phillip walked in together.
What are they saying?
Did you hear Lukas is screwing that Phillip kid?
Lukas is a freak.
Lukas is a fag.
His leg jerks up too high and slams it into his desk. He lets out a stifled groan of pain and his pencil falls again. Someone behind him giggles.
If only he could text Phillip for help. Go to their special place, laugh about stupid things, hold hands, kissâjust relax for a damn minute. But he canât risk being followed. Who else will âaccidentallyâ stumble upon them? Who will wait behind a barely-open door to snap a pictureâhard evidence, proofâthat all the rumors are true? Theyâd be legends. Itâd be the biggest thing to hit the school sinceâŚsince he released his own not-quite-sex tape.Â
So texting Phillip is not an option. Â He settles for Rose instead. Sheâs his only source of information, and not knowing is obviously chipping away at his sanity.
   What else have you heard? Is it bad?
   Depends on what you mean by bad. Iâm just not sure, am I supposed to be denying it if people ask me? What do you want me to do?
âNo phones in class.â The teacher passes by his desk with a stern look. Thatâs a relief, actually, because he has no answers. If Rose keeps defending him and the truth comes out anyway, sheâs going to look like the dumb one. And after all heâs put her through, she doesnât deserve that.
On the other hand, if she says nothing, itâll make everyone even more suspicious. And the rumors will grow and grow until they swallow his life whole. Itâll drive him insane, and insane Lukas has never been a very good boyfriend to Phillip.
And Phillip is all that matters.
Heâs back to square one. Stuck in class, losing his shit, and with no idea what to do.
The girl next to him passes him a note, but of course itâs really from Simone, sitting two rows to the left. She grins over at him. Looks like she decided to go old school to get around the no phones rule.Â
   Whatâre you doing today after school? We should hang. Wanted to ask you something.
Would that something be, are you gay? Or worse, wanna hook up?
Heâs so screwed.
He doesnât respond to her. Just sort of gestures to the teacher and shrugs. Hopefully thatâs enough to buy himâŚwhat, a few minutes of peace? Class is almost over, and then itâs going to be a lot harder to avoid her.
Maybe he can text Rose and have her intercept? Sheâs always up for some passive aggressive pleasantries.
Yeah, maybe he can just continue to have his ex-girlfriend fight his battles for him. Real classy.
The bell rings. Thereâs a homework assignment on the board, but if he waits to copy it down Simone will definitely have him cornered. Heâll just have to ask another classmate later, if he has the balls to talk to them without breaking into a sweat and blurting out I love Phillip in response to âwhatâs up.â
Huh. There was that love word again.
âLukas?â Simone calls out to him as he slings his bag over his shoulder and crosses into the hallway.
She stops short, and he darts into the oncoming stream of students.
Way to go Lukas. Why donât you just kiss him in front of the whole school and be done with it. Heâs running out of lies, and if his stupid inner voice is any indication, heâs going to crack at any second. That now-familiar tightening in his throat and chest starts up again.
But Thank God, thereâs Phillip, standing by the doors to freedom.Â
âHey, man.â He walks toward him too quickly. And exactly how many feet should he keep between them to seemâŚnot gay?
âHey.â Phillip pinches the bridge of his nose. The dark circles around his eyes are back.
âYou okay?â Lukas steps closer. And shit, he is definitely standing way too close now.
âYeah. I mean, okay-ish. Just kinda tough being back here. I feel like everyoneâs either pitying me or avoiding me⌠more than usual.â Phillip offers up a sad little smirk.
Lukas clenches his jaw shut. If he tells Phillip about the rumors now, itâll only make things worse. What he needs to do is grab Phillip, get to his bike, and get them the hell out of here. Without actually grabbing Phillip, of course.Â
âYou wanna, umâŚâ He slams his hands into his pockets and points with his elbow toward the parking lot. Heâs not over todayâs awkwardness, apparently, because he canât make eye-contact with Phillip for long.
Phillip follows his lead, stuffing his own hands in his pockets as well. So theyâre just two friends, walking along with their heads down and a totally normal amount of space between them.
Lukas is staring so hard at the ground he doesnât see the group by his bike until itâs too late. Fuck, heâs led them right into a trap.
A trap, or friends with questionsâwhatever. Theyâre practically the same thing. Eric and Carter and Rose and even Simone are there now. When did she slip around him? Ericâs leaning on his bike, the fucker. If Lukas could afford to waste his air, heâd chew him out.
âSimoneâs got the house to herself tonight,â Eric announces. âGonna be a pretty chill party, though. Just gonna drink and hang. You in?â
âUhâŚâ He takes too long exhaling. Bad idea, when inhales are getting harder to manage.Â
âCâmon, man, you need to just relax, right?â Eric play-punches him in the shoulder, and he stumbles back. âAfter everything, you deserve it. Youâre wound up way too tight. Jakeâs comingâŚyou guys can clear the air.â
Roseâs eyebrows are little zigzags of worry, but she canât help him now. And PhillipâŚPhillip is back to memorizing all the spots of dirt on his shoes. Heâs made himself invisible, even while standing in the middle of this whole conversation.
Because thatâs what Phillip does. Makes himself, makes what he wants, totally invisible while other peopleâs needs take center stage. He did it with his mom, with Lukas, and maybe heâll even do it with the next guy he ends up with.
But there canât be a next guy. There just canât.
âI dunno.â He bumps Phillip with his shoulder. âWhat do you think? Wanna go?â
Phillipâs head jerks up and he blinks several times, like heâs just gone from darkness to sunlight. âIâŚumâŚâ
Eric stares at both of them, eyes sliding back and forth warily. âOh. I mean, I guess Phillip can come, if itâs okay with Simone.â
âSure, yeah.â Simone canât possibly look less interested as she nods, eyes glued to her phone.Â
âGreat.â Lukas tries to step around Eric. âMaybe Iâll see you guys later, then.â
Eric stands slowly, but doesnât move aside. âSoâŚâ he begins, and that one stretched-out syllable makes all the hairs on Lukasâ neck stand on end. âAre you and Shea like, best friends now? After the whole kidnapper-murderer thing or something?â
Well, damn. That was a nice little lie, right? Theyâve been through some crazy shit together. Theyâve bonded. Theyâve defended their lives together and now theyâre comrades in armsâŚblood brothers. Lukas and Phillip, badasses and best friends. Yeah, that has a nice ring to it. He can totally work with this.
âLukas?â Rose says softly, drawing him back into the moment. Phillipâs returned to his shoe inspection, and everyone else is still staring at him, waiting.
âWeâreâŚâ He shakes his head. âWeâre more than friends.âÂ
Rose clamps a hand over her mouth and itâs the last face Lukas really sees before he grabsâyes grabsâPhillipâs arm and yanks him toward the bike. Eric and everyone else scatter. He tosses Phillip his helmet and theyâre roaring off within seconds.
Pt. 1 | Pt. 2 | Pt. 3 | Pt. 4 | Pt. 5 | Pt. 6 | Pt. 7| Pt. 8 | Pt. 9 | Pt. 10 | Pt. 11 | Pt. 12Â | Pt. 13 or AO3Â
*mature content warning
Lukas runs his fingers down Phillipâs spine, ending in the dip right before his perfect ass. That arch really drives him wild. He presses in for another kiss and sucks gently on Phillipâs lower lip. His teeth graze the skin there as he draws away, but heâs careful not to leave a mark. Thereâs still that whole sheriffâs kid thing to keep in mind.
âGod, youâre hot,â he mumbles into Phillipâs mouth. Phillip chuckles, air rushing out his nostrils and tickling Lukasâ skin.
âYouâre so into me,â Phillip says, grinning brightly, confidently. This is how Phillip should always be.
âYeah? You think so?â
He pins Phillip down, pressing harder into every little wiggle and squirm. Phillipâs not really trying to get up, anyway, but his movement has something else up and hard within seconds.
Lukas stretches back, straddling Phillipâs hips. Itâs an amazing view, complete with Phillipâs kiss-reddened lips and tousled hair and faintly-muscled chest. He drags his hand across Phillipâs ribs and down to his flat stomach, studying the difference between his pale white fingers and Phillipâs smooth olive skin.
Phillip bucks impatiently and starts to undo his jeans, but Lukas bats his hands away. Undressing Phillip makes his blood boilâin a good wayâso he unbuttons and unzips Phillipâs pants in one tug, then roughly yanks the things off of him.
âYou wanna?â Phillip says, pupils blown wide, breathless, already reaching for his wallet so he can get his condom and those little packets of lube.
âMm. In a minute.â Lukas scoots down further, giving himself space to slip his hand into the waistband of Phillipâs boxers. He clamps down on Phillipâs dick with a firm grip, and the gasp Phillip lets out in response is absolutely perfect.
âKinda wanna try something,â he says while Phillip is still melting into the mattress, letting out little mumbles of pleasure.
Phillipâs always had him pegged. He is so into Phillip. Heâs that guy. Heâs gay and he definitely likes dick.
Enough that heâs ready to give blowing one a shot.
Phillipâs probably way more experienced at this, but he has to start somewhere. Itâs too bad he never got a blowjob himselfâŚmaybe he couldâve used some of that information.
Step one is easy at least. He lowers Phillipâs boxers, leans over, and draws Phillipâs length into his mouth.
Phillip lets out a loud, shaky sigh. So far, so good.
Now what? Fuck he needs to watch more porn. He ends up deciding on a slow up and down motionânot too deep, though, because heâs not sure about his gag reflexâwith gentle pressure from his tongue and lips.
Phillip arches up on the bed and groans. Shit, heâs hot like this. Completely lost in the moment, eyes rolling back, mouth hanging open, chest heaving. Itâs enough to get Lukas going without even having to reach back to help himself along.
âShit, shit, Lukas,â Phillip gasps, and then pushes Lukas away. Just in time to let the spurt of his release arch up and land squarely on his stomach.
Lukas sits up and catches his breath. Does this mean heâsâŚgood at blowjobs? Great, even? Itâs only been a minute or so.
âShit, Iâm sorry.â Phillip bites his lip. âI shouldâve lasted longer than that.â
âAre you kidding? That was like, the hottest thing ever.â He laughs and drops down to kiss Phillip, forgetting heâll wind up with a sticky chest.
Maybe they can shower together later.
âWell, can I return the favor?â Phillip asks, already beginning to kiss his way down Lukasâ neck. He licks at a spot in the hollow of Lukasâ collarbone.
This day just keeps getting better and better.
Phillipâs kiss trail is all the way to his quivering stomach by the time the car rolls up outside.
Fucking hell.
âI thought you said your dad wasnât going to be back for hours!â Phillip groans, already rolling off the bed to retrieve his clothes.
âHeâs not supposed to be.â Lukas springs into action, tooânothing gets rid of a hard-on faster than the thought of his father walking in on him. He throws on a t-shirt and straightens the sheets of his bed. âJustâŚgo sit at my desk and pretend weâre studying or something.â
Phillip rolls his eyes. âIs he gonna be mad Iâm here?â
Lukas scratches his head and moves to peer out the window. Itâs his dad, all right, but at least heâs taking his time unloading the truck before coming inside. Â âNah. I mean, I dunno. We havenât really talked much since I overheard him that night. Not about anything real, anyway.â
âWhy not?â Phillip dutifully takes a book out of his backpack and opens it in his lap. âI mean, thatâs kind of a big thing to justâŚignore.â
âYouâve met my dad. Sort of.â Lukas sighs. âHe doesnât talk about things. He just keeps it all in until one day he explodes.â
So many explosions, over the years. So many moments where heâs had to huddle with his eyes squeezed shut while his usually-silent father erupts into drunken yelling and throwing things and the occasional backhanded slap.
âHuh. Well at least we know where you get it from.â
âWhat?â He turns sharply to stare at Phillip. âWhat the hell does that mean?â
âSeriously?â Phillip snorts and turns the page of his book. âReally doesnât remind you of someoneâkeeping stuff in until it makes you explode and do stupid things?â
Stupid things? Like drinking too much and hitting your sonâŚor popping pills and punching out Jake Gardner?
His stomach turns and he clamps his mouth shut, breathing slowly through his nose to beat back the sudden queasiness.
Fuck Phillip and his ability to always know him.
âLukas?â His dad clambers into the kitchen downstairs. âLukas, you up there?â
He should really go down to meet him. Cut his dad off before he gets a chance to come upstairs and be all awkward around Phillip. But heâs still working on breathing, and on not thinking about Jakeâs bloody face when he pummeled him.
âLukas?â His father has reached the hallway. âCame home early to see if you wanted toââ He stops short at the door. âOhâŚI didnât realize youâŚâ
âHi, Mr. Waldenbeck,â Phillip says, but heâs nervously clutching his book and he doesnât make eye contact for long.
His father gives them a curt nod and heads off again.
âWell, that went smoothly,â Phillip mumbles under his breath.
âYeahâŚâ Lukas rubs his necks uneasily. âI better go see what he actually wanted.â
He catches up to his father in the kitchen, where heâs thankfully not going for the liquor cabinet.
âI thought you werenât going to be home until later.â
âYeah,â his father says, but doesnât turn to look at him. âI thought I might come early to see how your first day back at school wentâŚsee if you wanted toâŚwatch the game tonight or something.â
âOh.â Watch the game is code for father-son bonding time. Sometimes his father even tries to delve deep during commercial breaks and make some sort of connectionâit used to be about his classes at school, or the girls he liked, or his latest motocross stunts.
Now? Who freaking knows what they have to say to each other.
âWell, Phillipâs still here, so Iâm just gonnaâŚâ He tries for a quick escape, backing up toward the stairs.
His father stops him from leaving with a firm hand on his shoulder. âSon, Iââ
Lukas stares at a spot on his fatherâs chest. Whatever comes next probably wonât be good.
âI realize I havenâtâŚapologized. For what you heard the other day. I wasnât thinking about what I was saying, and Iâm sorry. I didnât mean it.â
Lukas slowly raises his eyes to his fatherâs face. It looks truly pained, with his gray-blond brows knit together and his forehead creased with deep, sun burnt wrinkles.
He swallows hard and licks his dry lips before speaking. The smart thing would be to take this olive branch, get the hell away, and rush back to Phillip.
But heâs never been that smart. âYeah, you did mean it.â
His father drops his arm and steps back. âNo, no, son, Iââ
âItâs okay, Dad. I get it. Being like this means I have toâŚI have to face more things than some other people. I get why you wouldnât want that for me. But itâs just the way I am.â
God, has he ever said this much real shit to his father in one breath? He has to pause a moment to regroup.
âAndâŚthereâs a lot of things I need to change about meâŚbut liking Phillip isnât one of them.â
This honesty stuff is terrifying, but itâs also the strongest heâs felt in ages. Heâs not slinking away and leaving things to fester until they explode. Heâs telling it just like it is, getting it all out in the open. It may mean years more awkwardness with his father, but it has to be better than tension so thick the air isnât breathable. Besides, he only has a few years left where he has to live under this roof.
His father nods slowly. âI know, son. IâŚunderstand.â
For a moment, all Lukas can do is blink and stare. His fatherâŚactually understands? Heâs not prepared for a response to that one.
âGo on up to Phillip.â His father turns away and opens the fridge. Maybe heâs not ready to say more, either. Thank God.
Lukas heads to the stairwell, nervous energy keeping the heels of his feet from touching the ground. Heâs almost prancingâand damn thatâs gay.
His father calls out to him when he reaches the first step. âAnd uh, is he staying for dinner?â
âNah.â He wonât do that to his fatherâŚyet. âWe can, um, watch the game if you still want.â
Son duties fulfilled, he races up to his room, where a worried Phillip is standing in the doorway.
His hair is still all messed up from earlier, and he makes it worse by sticking his fingers into it as he sighs. âYou were gone for a while, I thought maybeââ
Lukas hugs Phillip and whirls him around to walk him toward the bed. âNope. Everythingâs fine. Everythingâs great. Amazingly great.â
âYeah?â Phillip laughs as he falls back onto the mattress. âSo great weâre gonna hook up with the door open and your dad downstairs?â
âDonât freaking tempt me,â Lukas says. For now, he can just admire Phillip lying there, sex-tossed hair on his pillow, perfect lips grinning up at him. For now, for once, he can just be completely happy.
His phone dings in his pocket, and he pulls it out to read the incoming text, from Rose.
I just wanted to let you know Keith Horner saw you guys together on the roof today, and, wellâŚthe rumors have started.
Pt. 1 | Pt. 2 | Pt. 3 | Pt. 4 | Pt. 5 | Pt. 6 | Pt. 7| Pt. 8 | Pt. 9 | Pt. 10 | Pt. 11Â | Pt. 12 or AO3Â
Lukas cuts off his bike engine, but Phillipâs arms donât move from their spot around his waist. His grip lingersâtightens, evenâsqueezing out one last sort-of embrace before theyâre forced to separate.
Itâll be the last time he gets to feel Phillipâs touch for the next six hours. He rests his shoulders against Phillip for a split second before hopping off the bike, forcefully tearing himself away.
Mistake. His heart reacts to the loss of contact by missing a beat and then slamming repeatedly into his chest. How is he going to survive the day with Phillip so close and yet so far away?
Phillip moves more slowly to stand and pull off his helmet. His jaw is tight and hollow circles darken his eyes.
âYou okay?â Lukas murmurs to him. Under his breath, of course, where the passing students canât hear him, canât put two and two together.
Phillip gives him a tight smile. âYeah. I mean, okay enough.â
âHey, Lukas!â Itâs Simone again, waving him over. And Eric and Rose and all the rest of the usual suspectsâŚexcept for Jake Gardner, thank goodness.
Lukas jerks his head at Phillip, indicating he should follow. And Phillip does that much, at least, but once theyâve reached the crowd his eyes drop to the ground and his hands stuff themselves firmly into his pockets.
Simone gives him a quick side-eyed look. As in, whatâs he doing here? But Lukas must be more interesting to her because soon sheâs fake-punching his shoulder. âHow was the suspension, Floyd Mayweather?â
âUh, it was fine. Mostly just had to do more choresâŚand I guess I was grounded.â God heâs so awkward. Never knows what the hell to say, and itâs only getting worse.
âWhyâd you do it anyway?â Eric asks.
He waits for Rose to help him out, but sheâs paying more attention to Phillip, who has started shuffling his feet while apparently studying the dirt on his shoes.
âJake was talking shit.â
Phillip doesnât look up from his toes. Heâs back to being the weird loner kid, the guy with no real friends, the one the jackasses call fag behind his back.
A knot builds in Lukasâ throat. Time to get the hell away from here. âHey, I gotta talk to my teachers about makeup assignments. See you guys later?â
Simone frowns, but steps aside to let him pass. Before he makes his escape, he manages to turn slightly and catch Phillipâs attention. âSee you in third period.â
Phillipâs smile barely lifts the corners of his lips, but his eyes are grateful, and itâs something.
Baby steps.
The accomplishmentâsaying a relatively normal sentence to Phillip in front of curious friendsâkeeps him sane until the middle of first period. But Mrs. Deckerâs droning voice somehow manages to sap his tiny flicker of confidence. Sheâs going on and on about the people and their responsibility in government. Action instead of talk, she says, and heâs so pathetic heâs actually drawing connections to his life.
Can he even consider his morning with Phillip an accomplishment? Sure, they rode to school together. People saw them. He said a few words to Phillip in public.
A few fucking words.
Itâs nothing, really. He said more to Simone and sheâs starting to annoy the hell out of him. How can Phillip be okay with taking his crumbs?
A tickle starts in the back of his throat again. He swallows hard to get rid of it.
If heâs stressing at having to sit in class and listen to stuff that seems both completely pointless in light of people getting shot at and murderedâŚand also weirdly relevant⌠how must Phillip be doing? Phillipâs still clearly hurting from his loss, he doesnât know where he stands with Lukas, heâs shy and withdrawn around other kids at school, and heâll have to wait two more periods to see if Lukas can summon the balls for a repeat performance of a one-sentence gift.
Fuck. Swallowing isnât helping anymore. His chest is starting to ache.
Heâs supposed to be paying attention. Heâll have to write an essay for Mrs. Decker to make up for his days of missed class. Heâs supposed to keep his grades decent, clean up his image, and get himself a new sponsor. Heâs supposed to be figuring out how to be a real person again. With Phillip. Somehow.
Hell, thereâs twenty more minutes. Twenty more minutes of torture where he has to sit here and be still and keep tumbling over all the supposed-tos while also worrying if Phillip is okay, if heâs struggling to breathe, tooâŚ
He yanks out his phone under the desk and texts Phillip. Meet me on the roof. Now.
What? His phone buzzes back. Iâm in class.
Itâs important. He stumbles to his feet after his last text, making all twenty-three students and the teacher stare up at him. âGotta use the bathroom,â he announces, and he must really still have some of those pity points because Mrs. Decker actually lets him go without a word.
By the time he bursts out the heavy metal door and into the crisp air, dread is starting to press at his lungs. God, not this again. He squats down and leans over, sinking his head to his knees.
Heâs not going to flip out this time. No way in hell. He knows how to breathe. What was that thing Helen had done? In and out, in and out. Youâve got this.
âLukas?â Phillipâs arm lands on his back. âAre you okay? Are you having another panic attack?â
His chest opens at Phillipâs touch, and air rushes in. Thank God.
He slowly stands back up, blinking away the last traces of dizziness. âWill you quit saying that? I donât have panic attacks.â
Phillip frowns. âWell you look really pale.â
âThatâs my natural color.â
No one could argue with that, really.
âAre you sure youâre okay?â Phillip presses. Heâs drawing closer. Close enough to kiss.
âYeah, Iâm fine.â Lukas manages a tight laugh, and he reaches out to squeeze Phillipâs shoulder.
âThen what was so important that I had to rush up here in the middle of class?â
âI wanted to make sure you were okay,â Lukas answers, and itâs not quite a lie. âYour first day back at school and everything.â
Phillip shrugs. âOkay. Sure. It kinda sucks, but whatever. So how come you were all hunched over when I got up here, and it didnât even seem like you heard me the first time I called yââ
âJesus Christ, Phillip, let it go!â If Phillip doesnât stop worrying about him, heâs going to scream. He needs to worry about Phillip right now. âI told you Iâm fine. I just got antsy, having to sit in class and pretend like everythingâs normal. Like we didnât survive a serial killer kidnapping us and shooting me and âŚand doing what he did. So I wigged out a little, so what. Itâs probably just âcause itâs my first day back around lots of people without the meds.â
Both Phillipâs brows shoot up. âMeds? What meds?â
Oh, hell. He hadnât meant to go opening that can of worms.
âFrom the hospital. From when I got shot, remember? They gave me a prescription to take for the pain.â
Phillipâs look softens, and he gently rubs at the wound from above Lukasâ shirt. âShit, yeah. Does it still hurt?â
Leaning into Phillipâs touch makes everything feel better. âYeah, a little.â
âThen whereâs the medicine now?â Phillip keeps stroking the spot.
Lukas breathes deeply and closes his eyes to soak it all in. âMy dad took them.â
âHow come?â
âHe was worried I was taking too many.âÂ
The gentle massage stops short, and Lukasâ eyes fly open. Maybe there is such a thing as too much truth.
Phillipâs jaw is clenched. Thatâs a bad sign. âAnd were you?â
âWas I what?â God, heâll never lose that dumb defense mechanism, will he?
It only makes Phillipâs expression grow fiercer. âWere you taking too many pills.â
âI mean, not that manyâŚÂ
Phillip storms a few steps away, thrusting his hands into his hair. âWhat the hell, Lukas? What the hell is wrong with you? You seriously think after everything I went through with my mom that Iâm gonna stick around with someone else who wants toââ
âNo, no.â He chases after Phillip and blocks him off from the door. âNo, Iâm not. Iâm not doing that, I swear. I was a little messed up after everything and maybe I did use a few more than I was supposed to, but itâs been days now and I havenât taken a single more pill. Even though my shoulder hurts. Iâm just gonna take the pain, okay? I wonât⌠I wonât use any more. I promise.â
Phillipâs not having it. He shakes his head and withdraws again, folding his arms. âItâs not just that.â
âWhat is it then? Whatever it is, Iâll fix it.â The words tumble out too fast. Mrs. Decker would call it all talk. Heâs still falling short on the action.
âYou turn to everything else before me.âÂ
What? âIâm here with you right now. What are you talking about?â
âI mean, you were upset, and instead of coming to me, you decided to abuse pain medication, beat up some kidâŚyou even talked to Helen before you told me what was going on.â
Oh.
âWhy do you always choose me last?â Phillipâs voice is hoarse, struggling past emotion.
Lukas chews on his lip, buying himself time to come up with the right answer. Thereâs not much action he can take on a rooftop. All he can do is explain himself, and heâs never been too great at that. âDonât you get it? I was supposed to be there for you, Phillip. You lost your mom, and I donât remember all of how that feels but I remember enough to know it fucking sucks. I was supposed to be the strong one, and instead I was just a pathetic mess. I fucked everything up and I blamed myself andâŚand you deserved better.â
Phillipâs jaw finally unclenches. âYouâŚyou donât have to be the strong one,â he says quietly.
Lukas arches a brow. âSo, what, youâre gonna be the strong one?â
Phillip snorts, and his mouth actually quirks up in a half-grin. âMaybe neither of us is âthe strong one.â But maybe we can be strongerâŚtogether.â
Lukas blinks a few times. âThat is the corniest thing Iâve ever heard you say.â
They both burst into relieved laughter, drawing them back toward each other. Lukas reaches out and unfolds Phillipâs arms so he can hold him close, tuck his head in against Phillipâs neck and just rest there, secure in their embrace.
Maybe he canât make it six hours without touching Phillip. At least there are ways to get the fix he needs.
The door to the roof swings open suddenly and they jump apart. Keith Horner, resident pothead, scratches his ass as he walks out to join them.
âHey, dudes. Just gonna smoke some. You wanna?â He holds out a joint.
âUm, nah, we gotta get back to class,â Lukas says, fighting to keep a straight face as Phillip is giggling across from him.
âYeah, man, cool.â Keith lights up, already ignoring them, and Lukas and Phillip scramble away.
They clamber down the steps, but before they reach the hallway, Lukas grabs Phillipâs shirt and yanks him into a kiss. He doesnât let go, instead backing Phillip into the corner of the stairwell and making it clear this isnât just some little smooch. This is enough of a fucking kissâlegs entwined, lips smashed together, tongues tanglingâthat theyâre both going to need a minute to cool down before they can be seen in public again.Â
âCome to my place after school?â Lukas whispers in Phillipâs ear, and maybe not-so-accidentally bucks up against his crotch.
âWhat about your dad?â Phillip is breathless and glassy-eyed.
âShouldnât be home for hours.â
His cocky grin spreads to Phillip, and itâs all the help he needs to make it through this day.  Heart to heart talks are important and allâŚbut itâs about fucking time they got in another way to let off some steam.
Pt. 1 | Pt. 2 | Pt. 3 | Pt. 4 | Pt. 5 | Pt. 6 | Pt. 7| Pt. 8 | Pt. 9 | Pt. 10Â | Pt. 11 or AO3Â
âI wouldnât like, have to make an announcement, would I? Like it doesnât have to be some big thing.â
 Rose lies back beside him on the hill, her dark hair spreading out against the green. âI guess not. But you know half the school already thinks Phillip is gay. If you start hanging around him all the timeâŚpeople are gonna talk.â
 Lukas shreds a few blades of grass with his thumbnail. âYeah. I know.â
âSo I guess it kind of depends if you want to get out ahead of it, or just let people figure it out on their own.â
âIf I even want people to figure it out,â Lukas adds, because how can he really be ready for this? He isnât the same person he was before Phillip, but that doesnât mean heâs grown into his new skin.
âIâll help you any way I can,â Rose says. Her eyes are wide and honest. âI mean, the two of you together, itâs like, so romantic.â
He tosses his supply of torn grass at her.
âNo, but really, think about itâŚyouâre like, star-crossed loversâŚor motorcrossed loversââ
âOkay, you can shut up now.â He drops his hand on top of hers and canât fight off his stupid grin.
She smiles back at him. And itâs so easy to do this now, to lie back with her in an open field with their fingers laced together. She kind of is everything a guy could want. A straight guy, anyway.
âPlus thereâs always this option.â She shakes their joined hands and winks.Â
It seems like a playful remark, but a split second of sadness wrinkles her perfect eyebrows before sheâs back to grinning at him.
He squints, from the sunlight beaming down and from the pieces falling into place in his mind. âThatâs what youâd choose, right? For us to keep pretending weâre dating.â
Rose turns her head to stare up at the clouds. âNo. I mean, maybe in some fantasy world. Iâm not gonna lie. Being your girlfriend was kind of awesome.â
He snorts. In the history books heâll have to go down as one of the worldâs worst boyfriends. Heâs cheated, heâs manipulated, fuck heâs even filmed her grinding on top of him and released it to everyone they knew. He should be in fucking jail or something.
âI mean, I wasnât even that popular, âcause Iâm not one of the cookie-cutter girls, and you picked me. I thought it made me special.â
Lukas shakes his head. âBecause of me? Hell no. I picked you because you were special.â
The nice girl, the girl with the different kind of beauty, and yeah, if heâs being fucking truthful, the girl who seemed like she wasnât going to be rushing to have sex. But she definitely did have something special, even if he hadnât appreciated it the way he should have.
Rose laughs. âYou see? That right there. Youâre sweet, Lukas, even if you claim not to be.â
He rolls his eyes. âIâm the worst.â
She laughs again. âSort of. But anyway, there were good times, and IâllâŚmiss them. Even so, Iâd never use a relationship with you to win some popularity contest now.â
Shit. Like he had?
âBesides, we can have some good times again in the future, as friends, right?â
She smiles at him hopefully, and it sends an arrow of pain through his heart. He doesnât deserve her. âRoseâŚIâm an asshole.âÂ
She tilts her head and waits for him to say more.
Fuck, coming clean hurts. But if the last few weeks have taught him anything, itâs that he literally canât breathe when smothered in hidden guilt. Sure, everything might explode when he tells the truth but at least itâll be over.
He squeezes his eyes shut so he can get it all out. âIâm the one who released that video. OfâŚof you and me. I wanted people to stop talking about me and Phillip andâŚand Iâm a total fucking asshole.â
He peels back one lid at a time to see her face again. Sheâs searching the sky, deep in thought.
âIs that why you wouldnât let me take my clothes off?â
He nods, throat too tight to speak.
She exhales, her chest falling slowly. âI kind of had that figured.â
What? Then why is she still talking to him? And why on earth are they still holding hands?
âPhillip was always going around with his phone taking videos, and once I knew about you two⌠itâs the only thing that really made sense. Plus you were super weird that day. Besides the not getting it up part.â
That failure still stung, even if it wasnât something heâd actually wanted. Â Still pretty humiliating, and only Roseâs kindnessâor deliberate blindnessâlet him live it down at the time.
But this isnât supposed to be about selfish old him anymore. âI donât even know what to say. I canât apologize enough for what I did. Iâm the worst asshole in the world and I wouldnât blame you if you wanted to tell everyone about me and Phillip, or never see me again, orâŚwhatever.â
Rose glances over at him, her lips pursed. âYes. You are an incredible asshole.â
Finally, someone is going to let him have it. Itâs a relief, actually, and he clenches his teeth, ready for the onslaught.
âGood thing youâre in assholesâ anonymous now. Is it a twelve-step program? Do they give you a little chip for every day youâre not an asshole?â
His mouth drops open, and her rosy cheeks light up with her grin. âDonât worry. Iâm sure Iâll think of some way you can make things up to me.â
He shakes his head. âRose, you canâtâI mean, I donât deserveââ
âYou donât control me, Lukas Waldenbeck.â She stands and brushes the grass from her jeans and sweater. âI gotta get back home. See you at school tomorrow. And no more fighting, or Iâll take away your asshole recovery chip and youâll have to go back to step one.â
She blows him a kiss and laughs as she saunters away, leaving him alone in the field to process what the hell just happened. He grabs handfuls of dirt from both sides, proof the ground underneath him hasnât given way, like he always expects it to. Itâs completely solid. Everything has become more solid, more real, since Phillip. All the fake, flimsy parts of his life are shaping up into something he can actually stand on.
If he can just find the courage to take the next step.
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Pt. 1 | Pt. 2 | Pt. 3 | Pt. 4 | Pt. 5 | Pt. 6 | Pt. 7| Pt. 8 | Pt. 9Â | Pt. 10 or AO3Â
Only the shifting glow of the digital slideshow lights the room when they enter. With a soft click, Phillip shuts his laptop and the endless cycle of Anne Shea is overâfor now. He moves the computer to his nightstand and takes off his shirt.
Lukas does the same. He lies down, staring up at the ceiling, with Phillip draped over his chest. Heâs had a weight there for ages, but this time itâs Phillip-weight and instead of crushing his lungs, the pressure keeps him safe and secure, kind of like a seatbelt.
God heâs whipped.
âSo?â Phillip prompts, fingers tracing wiggly lines between Lukasâ ribs. âIâm not just gonna fall asleep.â
Damn. Lukas scans all four corners of the room, but they donât offer any hope of putting this off. Still, itâs dark and peaceful, with Phillipâs mop of brown hair tickling the bottom of his chin and his warm breath coasting along his skin. Nowâs as good a time as any to get it over with. âI thoughtâŚI thought it was my fault.â
âThought what was your fault?â Phillip lifts his head slightly.
âWhat happened.â Lukasâ throat tries its best to betray him, closing up on each word. âToâŚtoâŚbecause I told you to keep it quiet. Keep us quiet.âÂ
He waits for the reaction. A second, two seconds, an eternity. The room is too dark for him to read Phillipâs expression properly. But then Phillip pulls himself up, and the sudden loss of contact between them leaves Lukasâ heart free to explode with all its fears. Heâll see it now. Things will never be the same.
âMy mom,â Phillip says slowly. He blinks, like heâs clearing his vision. âYou thought what happened to my mom was your fault.â
Lukas canât answer, canât even bring his eyes up to meet whatever look is in Phillipâs now. Pain? Disgust?
Phillip snorts. Snorts? ThatâsâŚunexpected.
âSo you wanna play the blame game, then? âCause we can do that.â
How is any of this a game? But Phillip is launching away before he can get his traitorous voice to say anything out loud.
âYou may have told me to keep quiet, but you donât control me as much as you think you do. I couldâve told Helen right from the beginning. I made the choice to listen to you, so then really, itâs my fault, right?â
Oh, God, no. Of all the horrible ways this could be goingâŚ
Lukas jerks forward to clutch Phillipâs arms. âN-no, no, Phillipââ His hands are pushed away, and he ends up uselessly tugging on Phillipâs wrists. âItâs not yourââ
âOr actually, I did decide to tell Helen.â Phillip canât be stopped. Not with that glint in his eye and that tightness in his jaw. âOnly, she didnât believe me fast enough, did she? She couldâve been on that motherfuckerâs case a lot sooner. So itâs her fault.â
Lukas drops his hold on Phillip and slouches back, head spinning. Like heâs on one of those scrambler rides at the fair, whirling in rhythm, and thereâs nothing left to do but be tossed around until the ride ends.
âBut if you really think about it,â Phillip continues, âI wouldnât even have been in Tivoli if my mom had gotten clean just one of the times she said she was going to. So maybe itâs her own fault.â
What? The ride stops and heâs left plastered to the wall, pinned by Phillipâs glare. Phillipâs eyes are narrowed into angry slits and his nostrils are flaredâŚbut somehow, the fury doesnât seem to be directed at him. Phillip doesnât actually mean what heâs saying.
More like heâs making a point. An oh, shit really good goddamn point.
Lukasâ mouth drops open. âIâm an idiot.â
Phillip always has to be so much smarter, doesnât he? The blame game could go on forever, with enough tiny pieces of if only Iâd for everyone. Go on forever and change nothing.
âYeah, youâre an idiot.â Phillip shakes his head, and the mask of anger drops. âYouâre an idiot but youâre not anything like thatâŚthat piece of shit.â His last words come out strangled, like heâs fighting to stay pissed as hell and not let out the sadness lurking underneath.
Lukas nods. Itâs all he can manage, but itâs a start. Heâs not a fucking murderer. Heâs not. A thousand different choices mightâve kept Anne Shea from getting murdered, but only one manâs choice actually caused it. Phillipâs smart and right and beautiful and amazing and heâs so stupidly lucky to be in bed with him right now.
Phillipâs hand inches up towards his on the mattress until their fingertips touch. âI donât know if my mom ever wouldâve gotten better. But she was still my mom. I love her andâŚand sheâs gone.â
Relief that maybe heâs not the root cause of all this shit is cut short. Phillipâs hurting. He has to do somethingâŚbut what on earth can possibly make this kind of pain go away? How long had it taken him to stop feeling that raw ache in his heart after his mom died?
Phillip draws in a shaky breath and his fingers curl into fists around handfuls of blanket. Heâs trying so hard not to break. âHe took her away from me, Lukas. He took her!â
âShit, Phillip.â Lukasâ arms open wide on instinct, and Phillip falls into them. âItâs okay, you can cry. Itâs okay. Iâve got you.â
With one last shudder, the hot trails of Phillipâs tears begin to trickle down his chest. He squeezes Phillip closer, strokes his back and drops kisses along his forehead. All the things he shouldâve been doing, right from the beginning. âIâm so sorry. I know it hurts. I know it hurts so much.â
His Aunt Margaret had held him, at his motherâs wake. Held him and rocked him and it didnât take any of the pain away, but it was the only thing heâd had to cling to while his whole world changed.
Now he can do the same for Phillip. Has to.Â
Phillip sniffles and pulls back to wipe his face against his arm. âSorry, got a little bit of snot.âÂ
âShut up.â He kisses Phillip, snot and all. I love you.
Holy shit, where had that come from?
But itâs true. Itâs so true itâs about the only thing heâs completely sure of right now. Â Heâs in love with Phillip Shea, the boy from the city who turned his world upside down. Or right-side up? Or turned him into a freaking sap.Â
Maybe he should tell him?
Phillip settles back against his chest with a sigh. âI miss her.â
Or maybe now isnât exactly the right time. He presses a gentle kiss into Phillipâs temple. âI know.âÂ
âYeah.â Phillip smiles sadly. âI know you do.â He shifts around, pulling Lukas with him so theyâre lying beside each other, nose to nose. âI was making a video of her when you came in before.âÂ
Lukas tugs the blanket over both of them, cocooning them in warmth. âYeah, I saw it.â
His voice cracks a little. He tries to cover with a fake cough, but Phillipâs way too quick for his tricks. âIs that why you ran off?â
âNo.â Maybe. âI mean, shitâs been coming at me for days, and I guess I havenât been dealing with it or whatever, so it all kinda hit at once. Sorry I freaked you out. I just felt like I couldnât breathe and I needed some air.â
Phillip frowns and places his hand on Lukasâ chest. He rubs his thumb along the skin in a soft arc. âYou had a panic attack?âÂ
âWhat? No.â Heâs not some mental case. Or probably not. âLike I said, I just neededâŚout.â
âSo whyâd you come back?â Phillip presses his lips into Lukasâ collarbone, leaving a path of kisses along his neck.
âCouldnât stay away from you?â Lukas answers, and gets a huff of a laugh as a response. âAnd I talked to Helen a little about⌠some stuff.âÂ
The kisses stop as Phillip draws back with his brows raised. âTo Helen? You talked to Helen? Really?â
That attitude canât go unchecked, so Lukas gently tickles Phillipâs side, holding him close when he tries to squirm free. âFuck you. And maybe she doesnât suck as much as I thought.â
âI guess thatâs good to hear,â Helenâs voice breaks into the moment.
Shit! They spring apart to opposite ends of the bed and Lukas whirls around to face the doorway.Â
Helen stands there, with Gabe by her side. Sheâs got this strange half-grimace on her face while Gabe is, of course, grinning like the stupid Cheshire cat.
âOh. Hi, Helen. Hey Gabe,â Phillip says, and points to him for how chill he manages to make his voice. Lukas canât even squeak out a basic greeting.
Helen sighs. âIâm not really sure how this works. Youâre seventeen, youâre going to do what youâre going to do no matter what. I just hope you do itâŚsafely.â
Oh, hell no. Thereâs no way he can handle lying here in Phillipâs bed with his shirt off listening to some sort of sex lecture from the sheriff.
âI know you boys have been throughâŚtoo much, and you need each other right now, so Iâm not going to ask you to leave, Lukas. Iâll let your father know youâre staying over. I only ask that you be responsible andâŚrespectful. And maybe we keep the door open tonight, okay?âÂ
âYeah, sure, Helen,â Phillip answers. Helen waits in the hallway, still staring at them, until Phillip jams an elbow into Lukasâ ribs.
âRight, sure,â Lukas coughs out.Â
âOkay then. We can all eat breakfast together tomorrow.â
Gabe nods, still wearing his lifeâs-so-damn-amusing smile, and slings an arm over Helenâs shoulder. âAnd Iâll cook. Goodnight, boys.â
ââNight,â he and Phillip answer together.
Helen and Gabe head off, and Phillip bursts into laughter. âShit, your face, Lukas. You look like youâve seen a ghost.â
âDude, weâre like half-naked rolling around in bed and sheâsâŚwell sheâs the sheriff!â
Phillip laughs harder, and itâs the most perfect sound in the world. When he finally stops to draw in breath, Lukas grabs him close and kisses him firmly. âHey, when my suspension is over, youâll come back to school, right?âÂ
âSuspension? Helen said you got in trouble for fighting but I didnât knowââ
Lukas kisses him again to shut him up. âYeah, for three days. Itâs stupid and I know I was being an idiot but can you please focus? Youâre coming back to school when itâs over.â
âI am?â Phillip raises a doubtful brow.
âYeah.â
âWhyâs that?â
âBecause I need you there.âÂ
Phillip stares at him for a moment without blinking. âReally?â
âYeah, really, idiot.â He presses their foreheads together.
 Phillipâs arms snake around to his back where they tap out a little rhythm. âSo have you given any thought to umâŚwhat youâll say about us?âÂ
âA little.â Heâs on the honesty-track right now, so he might as well keep going. âI donât really have it figured it out.â
Phillip nods, moving their heads in sync. âYeah, I get it.â
âRose offered to be my cover, so we wouldnât get bothered.â
The rhythmic tapping stops. âOh. Okay. Well, like I said before, Iâll do whatever you want.â
Lukas shifts back so he can study Phillipâs face. âYouâd be okay with that?â
âYeah, sure. Whatever you want is fine.â
Phillip smiles, but itâs not the right smile. His lips are tight and thereâs no little crinkle of the skin by his eyes.
âYou donât lie as well as I do,â Lukas says.
 The smile slips from Phillipâs face. âWhat?â
âNothing.â He wraps Phillip back in his arms. âBut youâre coming to school next week. Iâll be waiting outside to give you a ride.âÂ
âInto the parking lot and everything?â Phillip pokes his ribs.
âAnd everything.â
The tension melts away as Phillipâs body relaxes against his. Phillip closes his eyes and his breaths become longer and deeper. Making out more would be awesome, but itâs been a really long fucking day and sleep in Phillipâs arms might be even more amazing right now.
Before Lukas drifts off as well, he lays one last kiss on Phillipâs lips. âAnd Phillip? I am gonna figure it out. I promise.â