Guppy or Wisp

@an-ikarus

Reblogging this again in light of the new trial to remind everyone that I am always right and I always win

>be me >22 year old baby trans in the Most Serene Republic of Greater Caliphornia, year of our lord 2069 >no talents or skills aside from a mastery of the Hissatsu Ougi >(my parents were transphobic ninjas) >like not to brag but I am so unbelievably good at stabbing people >doesn’t exactly qualify me for a desk job tho >too many brain problems for UBI qualifications >wtf the U stands for ‘universal’ how do I not qualify for something universal >whatever fine >try to become a hit(wo)man for los Norteños, they kick me out once they learn I’m actually filipina >(yes my parents were filipino ninjas don’t worry about it) >run into middle-aged academic lady named Maria who’s apparently a big name with the Poaster’s Guild >somehow charm her with my complete lack of skills, charisma, and/or personal hygiene >she says I should join the Westphalian Polycule of Seattle >I do >grad school TA milfs dress me up while I ramble about swords >I’m in heaven >until some lady starts asking me questions about some shit I don’t know anything about >wait this isn’t swords >panic >”uhh… sure?” >”hmm I see interesting” >next day people start acting colder to me >what >ask Maria wtf is going on >apparently I got tricked into taking a stance on some contentious discourse topic and now everyone’s saying I’m a crypto-nobunaguista >said it was probably Vycky, apparently she’s jealous of the attention I’ve been getting >bump into Vycky later that day >instincts kick in >stab her >wait shit oh shit shit shit that wasn’t Vycky >I can’t just stab some random girl and then leave tho, that would send the totally wrong message >and also morally wrong or whatever >drop random girl off at the hospital >fucking. Vycky is there in the hospital lobby >too many witnesses around >I decide that the only rational response to this chain of events is to leave the Westphalian Polycule of Seattle without saying a word to anyone >and steal a bunch of estrogen on my way out >ontheroadagain.VR

>start heading across the Rockies to begin my life anew on the other side >immediately accosted by Mormons >stab them >finally make it across the fuckign Rockies >immediately accosted by Sovereign Citizen ranchers >stab them >not gonna lie it’s actually kinda nice being in an environment where stabbing people is an acceptable response to most conflicts >except I’m starting to run low on estrogen >pretty sure that’s one problem I can’t solve with stabbing >and I’m in the middle of fucking nowhere >and I have to keep walking east because there’s a trail of dead bodies behind me >which is why I’m now in fuxking DENVER >and I’m legit out of estrogen >drowning my sorrows in some shithole bar >”what’s got you down stranger?” >look up >buff cowgirl milf is talking to me >this is not a drill a buff cowgirl milf is talking to me >ougis start spilling out of my pockets >take my chances and ask her if she knows anywhere I could get my hands on some estrogen >”I’m Wendy Saints, I can get anything!” >who >”Wendy Saints, the best scavenger the midwest autonomous zone has ever seen, I’ve explored every inch between the rockies and the ole mississip” >sorry but I’ve never heard of you >”oh” >(ok cool I immediately killed any chance I had w/ her. like I said I’m only good at killing things) >she says she was actually in the market for an extra pair of hands, she’s planning a big scavenge job at an abandoned mall not far from here >none of the locals will touch it cause they think it’s haunted >the aforementioned locals are a bunch of neo-feudal types, they’ve already established a new religion where they worship the founding fathers as god-kings >c’mon people it’s been thirty years tops. literally there are still people who were alive when the USA still existed you don’t gotta be like this >whatever, not my circus not my monkeys >I accompany Wendy Saints to the abandoned mall >there’s some old pre-crisis security bots that are somehow still functioning >they mistake us for homeless loiterers and accost us >take a wild guess how I respond >(I stab them) >Wendy makes a beeline for the mechanical room >starts taking apart the copper tubing and HVAC motors with the speed and skill of a thousand crackheads >ok damn I guess she is really good at this >help her haul the parts into her RV >”thanks anon you were a big help” >more ougis spill out of my pockets >random van pulls into the parking lot >bigass tie-dye wizard spray painted on the side >reach for the hilt of my sword >Wendy’s like “don’t worry, these guys are friendly” >pair of burly mad max types hop out of the van >”we’re Liquor & Gusto, and we’re here to pump you up” >yes okay we’re all a bunch of droll characters. wtf are you doing here >one of them takes out a bigass bottle of pills >bottle has ”GRRL PILLZ” written on it with a marker >look inside >estradiol >tell them I just have tenbux worth of itunes gift cards left >Wendy says not to worry about it, consider it her payment for helping >bless you kind stranger >I thought it might be the start of a beautiful friendship but she said her heart is in a throuple with the open road and the thrill of the hunt >whoa hey hang on I didn’t say it needed to be a romantic thing >I mean okay I did make a drunken pass at you >three times >ontheroadagain.hologram

>follow the I-70 Pilgrimage Trail east >”hey punk this is Clown Princes territory, if you ain’t down with the Dark Carnival then you gotta-” >stab stab stab >keep traveling >running low on estrogen >oh joy I’ve made it to fucking TOPEKA >find the nearest bar >there’s a creepy girl sitting in the corner and everyone else is leaving her alone >she’s got one of those smiles. y’know. one of *those* smiles >she comes up to me >”you don’t know it yet, but you’ve found your home. come with me.” >sure. I don’t have anything else going on and if it gets too weird I will definitely know how to handle that situation >(stabbing. I will handle it with stabbing) >she takes me to an abandoned neighborhood a few miles away >it’s a giant flophouse full of trans girls >”welcome to the temple of cybele we’re a sacred order of” blah blah gimme the goddamn estrogen >apparently they need to ‘induct’ me first >ok fine whatever >they lead me to the cul-de-sac >some tall lady comes out wearing weird robes and holding a staff >she’s got a fucning. horse. with her >apparently she’s the ‘high shaman’ in charge of the place >she gives some kind of speech, I wasn’t really listening >and then everything goes silent and she slits the horse’s throat >I say “aww horsey :(“ out loud with my mouth >(listen I am aware of the irony. you don’t need to point out the irony im aware ive killed like thirty people so far but this was an INNOCENT HORSE) >everyone stares at me like that one meme. you know the one >high shaman cuts open the horse’s body and takes out a bigass horse fetus??? >some other people take the fetus and haul it off to a shack >high shaman’s lackeys explain that that’s how they make estrogen, it’s apparently easy to extract it from horse fetuses >they also say that it’s really important that I never ever interrupt the ritual ever again no matter what >I say “ok fine sure” as if I’m talking to people who aren’t covered in bits of horse cervix >then we play mario kart >eat bean soup with horse meat, it’s actually pretty good >successfully inject jank horse estrogen without dying >all the bitches love my killing sword techniques >for once I think I’m actually fitting in and feeling good  >a month passes >time for the ritual again >”aww horsey :(“ >I am forcibly removed from the flophouse cult >ontheroadagain.semiconductor

>traveling down the I-70 Pilgrimage Route again >there’s a commotion on the side of the road, bunch of cars parked >people standing around with guns drawn and >wait >is that fucking Wendy Saints >yep that’s Wendy Saints cornered with her hands up >they finally notice me >”stay outta this. this doesn’t concern you.” >Wendy recognizes me and gives me a desperate smile >no idea what’s going on >idgaf, Wendy basically saved my life that one time and I get to return the favor >by stabbing people >Heavenly Ougi「Sundering Wheel of Fate」 >effortlessly slay a dozen goons >”thank you so much omg you saved my life” >hnggggg a buff cowgirl milf is smiling at me and thanking me >I’m still standing in the middle of a pile of corpses >brain starts to shut down >c’mon. this is your chance. you can do this >wrack my brain to come up with a cool one-liner >”y-you too”