A F’ed Up Little Rat

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

14 more mondays until summer.

smaller b00bs = less of a fucking struggle binding

narrower hips

hipbones

being thinner will make me look taller

not having to face the embarrassment of trying to find jeans for a huge waist and 28-30 inseam

wearing cool belts...

easier to thrift clothes in a smaller size

actual muscle definition

top surgery will be easier to get when i'm not overweight

eating less = less money spent = more money saved toward transition

looking all cool and rockstar skinny instead of just passing as a fat metal kid

j a w l i n e ✨

collarbones

spine showing

thinner neck = more of an adams apple

skinny hands and long fingers

skinny arms to cover in tattoos

won't fucking embarrass my girlfriend anymore

did i mention looking taller

please god i want to look taller i feel so short and stubby

to all the 13-14 year olds on here asking for tips on "starting out"

to all the moms thinking "this will just be for a bit to help lose the baby w3ight"

to all the 20 somethings falling into hyper r3stricted fad di3ts

please, im begging you, get out while you still can

having an 3d is not fun. it's not dainty or beautiful, its not a "lifestyle" or an aesthetic. we romanticize it on here bc its easier than acknowledging what we're going through. but it's hell. it's losing friends and relationships. it's CONSTANTLY thinking ab f00d, w3ight, what you can e4t and what you can't. it's never being able to genuinely enjoy your favorite f00ds bc the numbers jump out as soon as you try. it's constant guilt, either w yourself for e4ting or w your loved ones for not e4ting. it's constant lying. it's wanting recovery but also being terrified of it.

if i could snap my fingers and be "normal", to be able to "e4t intuitively", to be able to enjoy f00d again, i would do it in a heartbeat.

this is a lifelong disease that will never fully go away. you absolutely can recover, but the thoughts and urges will likely never fully leave. it probably sounds so hypocritical from an 4n4 blog, from someone who posts thinspø and tips. i am not here to judge; i will never try to force recovery on anyone, esp when i'm not even ready myself. but we are stuck in this hole w the ladder just a little too far to reach.

THIS MONTH

I NEED MORE ACTIVE MUTUALS!!