Mārama 🕰️

I don’t really gaf about proper introductions to blogs just make sure your 16+ because half of this blog is me venting my frustrations with myself (?) if you want art related stuff follow my Instagram or TikTok

I’m the self sabotaging pro, expect I notice it, try do something about it, fail then repeat. I’ve tried suggested methods journaling, trying to find root causes, etc, etc. But my sense of urgency is non existent & my discipline only extends so far…perhaps it’s executive dysfunction but I’m unsure. It’s sickening that my only motivation is praises it doesn’t push me at all.

I feel utterly disgusted with myself at how much I lack basic functions, fuck I’m even becoming more apathetic than I already was. The thing is— about my self-sabotaging is that it doesn’t come from a place of pessimism surrounding the world. But rather that I’m uninterested in topics that they present me. I rather shit on the floor and eat it than do anything that isn’t around my current fixations. oh so frustrating knowing I have the brains for something but won’t do it…

Doesn’t help that the majority of my family’s thinking is that I’m just lazy or unwilling or anything other than my mental issues…I wholeheartedly hate it here. At least I don’t sabotage my relationships I guess???? Mainly because I warn ppl lol I wish I had the strength to fix myself without much need for therapy but it’s genuinely so bloody exhausting 💤💤💤💤 I don’t like people who succeed more than I but at the same time idc because I know I’ll be there someday I just need that small push or something FUCK IM GETTING ANGRY NOW BECAUSE IT COST MONEYYYY someone should just kill me idc anymore

Also I can’t tell if im overplaying my trauma or if it actually happened anytime I think about something I told someone I feel like I’m lying but it feels real to me but I also don’t know. I have a really bad tendency to lie, so I have to catch myself but fuck. Lie so much but tell so little truth you can’t tell what’s real or what’s not thankfully I stopped (or at least trying too) lying about things to make my trauma seem valid but argh

Because you don’t look at someone like this and go “yeah they’re friends” they killed someone together. Ngl the movie made me hungry I also really wanted their suits…

Anyway trying to explain to people that I have little to no empathy and that most times it fluctuates between person to person is the most tiring shit ever. “Oh so you’ just don’t care?” NOT WHAT IM SAYING!!! There has always been an emotional disconnect for me when it comes to other people’s feelings, it’s weird but I also don’t care anymore. As long as people don’t see that I’m fine. I’m still very accommodating regardless of my intentions and I get called confident so that’s a win