please stop writing "viscous" when you mean "vicious", it produces the weirdest mental images ever

"a viscous murder" yeah i don't want to know what that could look like

it looks like the Boston Molassacre of 1919

it’s fine—I turned it off and started trying to fish out the bay leaf bits with a fork

okay actually though. How bad is it really to have bay leaf in there?? looking it up

Okay so it’s Not Ideal but I’m just gonna blend it more and Deal With It

I’m giving the swiffer a 4/10 rating for its ability to clean ceilings btw

I am shocked at how many people don't have an actively hostile relationship with advertising

this girl was showing all the signs of being a secret mermaid so i pushed her into the pool and she turned into a forty foot long mosasaurus which is tbh way cooler

not really sure how to get her out though

for those of you asking why i pushed her into the pool in the first place: i work for a duplicitous small town aquarium and i'm trying to kidnap mermaids to jump through hoops and shit to entertain tourists and make money. fucking obviously. now that i know she's actually a mosasaurus though i Have fallen in pure-hearted love with her

Oops! Ball Bearings!

CRUNCH

this email couldve been a meeting where we stand on seven tall pillars with our faces in shadow

CRINE

FIH NO THAT IS A BAD IDEA

my stomach hurts