e u n i o a

Hi, M.

I'm finally in the place you've always promised to bring me: Bicol. Not in your hometown though, but in Dorothy's. If you're back here in the 🇵🇭, you'd still be a few miles away… though maybe that doesn’t matter anymore.

You were right about one thing: Bicol is a sight to behold. Still, I cannot help but think how more beautiful it would have been to share this experience with you. When I see Bicol’s beautiful landscapes, I catch myself thinking of you with Padaba Taka (our song) playing in the background. Sometimes I look at the window during long drives, imagining you are just at the driver’s seat, driving us to places like we used to, like you always enjoyed. And maybe that is the part that hurts that most: the feeling that you exist somewhere under the same sky, the possibility that you are probably just a few miles away or that if I look hard enough, I’ll see you on a random corner but deep inside I know, despite all these, I have no place in your life anymore.

I know it's been months since you last messaged and as much as I hate to admit it: I still miss your voice, still look for your plate number in similar cars, still carry so many questions and what ifs. And so I carry you like a ghost, not haunting but lingering in the little things that remind me of you: the breathtaking sunsets, the rich blue waters, the long roads and beautiful sceneries. Bicol was graceful enough to show its beauty (Mt. Mayon showed up, just thought you should know!), but every sight is a reminder of the absence of the person I once wished to see it with most.

Sometimes I still wish to see Bicol in your eyes, but I have to face the reality: I won’t see that Bicol anymore, and nor will I see you again.

It was a random night when you discovered this little old blog. It was filled with the musings of a hopeless romantic teenager exploring life, love and heartaches. I remember telling you how writing about a boy in that blog would eventually lead to us falling apart, like I was jinxed — you were the first boy I didn't write (until today) and yet, we still fell apart. This tells me a lot about us, we were doomed from the beginning and fated to meet but never to last.

So here I am penning my first and last post about you. I have no hopes of you stumbling in my blog again, I didn't even think I'd write again but I have so much hurt I don't know where to fit it anymore so I run to the only safe space I know. And if by some twisted fate you do find this, I hope you do not take it against me, after all, it was me who didn't have a choice except to accept everything.

We first talked on the 27th of February, I remember how awkward I was I couldn't even turn my camera on but we instantly clicked and I felt comfortable talking to you — one of the few pros on my list: how easy it was to talk to you and how you made me win when it matters. But the pros and cons list suddenly found an imbalance, in a matter of months the list of cons grew, while the pros decreased little by little. Yet I stayed, I was willing to settle because I liked you or if I am bold enough, I could even say I loved you. It wasn't an easy choice to stay and I was an indecisive girl but I chose you...over and over again.

But would I choose you again? Probably not. You made your choice too and it felt like the easiest one you had to make. I tried to fight, find a way to make it work, begged the universe again if they could intervene, but when I did, all I got was anger from your text messages (when you can barely text when we were still together) so I stopped fighting. I betrayed myself long enough so it's time to finally let go — after all, they say the final act of loving is letting go.

Our time apart has made me realize that exhausting myself and wearing myself thin would not make you see my worth — I tried, I endured but all I gained were calls when it's convenient, messages when you needed to boost your ego, and conditional love based on the things I can give that you deem worthy. I realized the hard way that the torture you sold for love is not a challenge for me to prove myself even more, you just really didn't like me enough.

Sometimes I still think, "If I hadn't answered that phone call, would things be different?" It would be that's for sure, but that doesn't mean it would be better. So I took it as God's sign that I'm just not meant to stay here because I can't keep loving someone who made me feel in constant survival mode just so I can keep him — like I was just one wrong move or wrong message away from losing him, or someone makes me constantly confused about where I stand in this life, and I can't keep loving someone who does not mind punishing me with the silent treatment and gives me crumbs of affection just to keep me wanting for more. It took me a while to realize this but then I remembered that I am the love of my life (and you are a man, unfortunately) and I am too full of love to settle for half a heart.

I thought this was anger I was feeling until I realized, it was grief. I was mourning for the version of you I created in my head, for the plans we made, promises you gave and the could have beens if you only held on a little longer. I am grieving because there are still days I would wonder if you actually liked me, then find myself crying when I realize you didn't because if you did maybe you would care about my feelings more, text me when I asked you to, reassure me when I needed it, and maybe you would find a way to see me instead of giving me endless excuses as to why you can't make it. Though I still grieve and think of you from time to time, you won't hear from me again because what's dead should remain dead and buried.

{ bits and pieces of 2018 }

It feels so weird to be back here, typing and threading words once again. It feels like I’ve been gone for years but it’s only been one year (i guess?) since I went on a hiatus. I don’t have a decent excuse except the lack of motivation. The last time I was here, I was lost, heartbroken girl whose only escape was to write pathetic poems that no one would ever read. I’ve made a lot of futile attempts to come back but every time I try to do so I feel like the timing isn’t right, or I don’t have the right words to say, sometimes I feel like there’s so much that has happened and I couldn’t fill you guys in properly that is why I slowly lose motivation and slowly saw blogging as task instead of a joy.

However, I think a brand new year gives me an excuse and a little push to go back and start again. This year, I want to get back to my roots and go back to what I really love doing, what has helped me coped from everything that life has thrown at me for the past couple of years, back to my sanctuary.

I wouldn’t be going very detailed into everything that has happened because there are just so many things to cover and I don’t want to get overwhelmed. Instead, I’ll just share highlights of my 2018 that I consider very memorable for me and memories that I will carry throughout the years to remind me that life is good.

January is both a blessing and a curse for me. Jeremy and I made it official last January 24, 2018 but I was also diagnosed with mild Bell’s Palsy that caused my face to droop. I felt like the ugliest during that month because of my wrong decision to cut my hair and then I have one side of my face drooping. I’m just so thankful Jeremy loved me still.

We had our Recollection last March 2018 at Angel Hills Tagaytay before we officially bid goodbye to our institution. I was looking forward to this so much because I want to spend the day with my friends, just remembering our beautiful memories together and how faithful God has been to us for the past four years.

Our second and last Scouting Activity took place last April and I could say that it was so much better than the first one. I am not ecstatic about the idea of endless seminars but of course, the fun hour makes up for it. (We even won Best Patrol!)

May marked the end of my college year. It was bittersweet but truly something to celebrate. However, our graduation day wasn’t until the end of June.

Before graduation, God has blessed me with the opportunity to work and I couldn’t be more grateful. I started working 4th of June and that is like a month away from my graduation so it feels weird and liberating at the same time to work without officially graduating.

Still, I think that my work in EAC was the highlight of my year 2018. It challenged me as an individual and defined me and my ability to educate young adults. It’s no easy task but I’m grateful for the experience. Not to mention, I became of mother of 32 students that I call my first-borns.

Aside from my students, I am also blessed to be welcomed and be part of SHS family, particularly the EnglishxResearch Department and the Union or my batchmates in EAC-SHS. They are an amazing support group and I couldn’t ask for a better family that I can work with every day.

Now that I am working (wow career woman!) and I am starting to earn my own money, I am able to go out with my friends, go to places we’ve never been to and try new things we haven’t tried before. I am really happy that I get to bond with my HS friends again and 2018 has brought so many opportunities for us to catch up and be together once again. (Hopefully, I get to reconnect with my other friends this 2019 too!)

2018 has been a great year for both my family and Moy’s family and that’s the icing on the cake!

Samgyupsal.

inspired by Adobers Studios’ Bakit Ka Single web series

Saan ako magsisimula, mahal?

Sa pag pikit ba ng aking mga mata sa tuwing madadaanan ang mga lugar na dati ay pinupuntahan natin ng magkasama? 

Sa pag pilit ba ng aking sarili na huwag kang maalala sa tuwing naamoy ko ang pabango mong dati ay nagpapaalala saakin na akin ka? 

Sa pagpapanggap ba na hindi ako naapektuhan sa tuwing naririnig ko nag iyong pangalan kahit ang gusto ko lang gawin ay lumingon para masilayan ka?

Sa pag kumbinsi ba saaking sarili na hindi na kita mahal kahit iba talaga ang nadarama? 

Sa pagbubura ba ng ating mga lumang mensahe sa isa't-isa na pilit lang saakin pinapaalala na dati tayo ay masaya? 

Sa pagtitig ng ilang oras saaking mga kamay na nangungulila sa higpit ng pagkapit mo? 

O sa pagtatapon ng mga sulat at regalong ibinigay mo na ipinipaalala lamang saakin ang dating tayo? 

The concept of time still blows me away. How fleeting wonderful moments can be, how you can feel infinite in one moment and then suddenly it's the end. Still, my 19th birthday has proved that even though my special day doesn't last for very long there are people who would always stay and these people can make every moment, every day, a special one.

I could still remember how excited I was to turn 18, thinking that everything would change for me. I told myself that it's about time I become more responsible and matured, which is why I became more careful with my decisions in life. I kept in mind that every decision I make will make or break my future. Still, I made mistakes. An awful lot. I thought I was failing at life. Failing as a person. But then again life didn't end there, the world kept on turning so I kept going -- because I should -- and then, I was able to get back up again. My mistakes don't define me, how I learned from them would. That is why every time I make mistakes, instead of beating myself up because of it, I just think of ways on how I can do better next time, how can I avoid doing the same mistakes. Now, I am on my 19th year and still, there will be days where I am pretty sure I will be stupid as ever...but also days of success, happiness and fulfillment. And I look forward to these days.

Dear Reden, Whatever we had was some kind of summer fling, but it was best kind of one. It was as if our paths crossed because of some twisted mix of sunshine and humid air. You were the charming guy every one easily falls in love with, with your bright personality, your voice and your humor. I couldn’t deny that I really liked you then, even if it was so wrong because you were in a relationship back then and I should not get involved. That’s is why I forced myself to stop liking you.

Then you broke up and few months after that, I took the risk of liking you. Like real bad. At first it was all unicorns and rainbows, every things seems so easy. I was enjoying your company every night over the phone, hearing your voice and listening to you sing while I’m smiling and dying on the other side of the phone. It was that simple, but it was all that I wanted.

I was off to my first date, and it was with you. I couldn’t forget my excitement that day, I was at school and all I did was wait for classes to end so that I could finally see you again. But then again, who was I, right? I am no where near special which is why my first date stood me up. Well, I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you came... you just didn’t wait for me and left hurriedly. So I was left to eat ice cream with my best friend. Yes, I brought my best friend because I was still awkward around boys back then. She told me you maybe you weren’t coming anymore but I kept on telling her that we could wait fifteen minutes more, hoping you were just late. But you weren’t. I can’t wait to have a daughter and tell her how my first date stood me up. Back then, I was really furious, especially because my mom teased me a lot about it and laughed at me so hard; but now, I just remember it as a funny memory. And I don’t regret any of it.

I remember that one time I crossed paths with you at the jeepney terminal. I wanted to ride the same jeepney with you so bad, but I couldn’t because all the seats were already occupied. After that day, I kinda hoped to see you again and I was thinking that if it happens maybe we could go home together and catch up, but it didn’t. I could still remember how I blocked any opportunity for Jesse Mccartney’s Beautiful Soul to play within my earshot because it reminded me of you and how you sang that song so beautifully or how we promised to do song covers because you just really love to sing. I even asked if you could sing on my eighteenth birthday years before it happened (I had to ask you early because who knows you might get famous, so I had to book you first!) and you promised you would, but then again when that year finally came, I was too shy to ask again. I doubt you’ll even agree. But would you?

We’ve tried many times, Reden. But I guess you’re just not the guy that could put up with my attitude and unpredictable mood swings. And that’s perfectly fine with me, because I don’t want to be a burden to you as well. I am really just glad for whatever we had, whatever it may be.