its monday remember to cough blood into your handkerchief and faint and hit your head on a sharp corner and have a beautiful solemn funeral

torture doesnt work on me anymore

it doesn't have to get done, it just has to be perfect

Today round ass puppy revealed to me, exhausted, at the end of my rope, that her training wasn't working not because she didn't understand, she did, she did, but instead because treats, chicken, turkey and pork apparently weren't enough motivation. She began obeying every word with startling accuracy as soon as she was offered something else. Doing backflips and stunts with pyrotechnics as prompted for the promise of a pea. A pea. She's a dog. A pea. A pea. A pea. I have to carry peas around now. On my person. Personal peas. 🫛 peas

stuck in traffic for 35,000 years because a glacier was crossing the road