happy windsday

via @soma.reset.toronto: the first step is stimulation reduction - reduce the amount of things your nervous system is exposed to. the more youre exposed to, the more youre going to be on guard, ready to respond. when we can reduce the amt of input, it can finally feel safe enough to let its guard down, relax, which is where it knows already how to start healing itself.

think about your physical space. when you look around your room, what kind of stimulus are you exposed to? reduce light, sound. even if these things are in your subconscious, your NS is reading these all of the time and may stay alert and responsive

reduce psychosocial input. anything where you have to be responsive or show up in social settings. engagements, appointments (thinking about the "landline" someone set up when they are home so that their phone is only able to be used in one location)

when we create space and allow ourselves to retreat into ourselves without having to respond to stimulus demands, our NS will drop its guard. may take some time depending on how long you were in dysregulation.

can be an evening, a weekend, or even a month.

via @imbougieonabudget: how to generate dopamine in your NS, esp when it comes to money, to create physiological safety

chaotic home = unable to predict behaviors & emotional state of caregivers.

salience network: a system within our brain that is trained to say what is worth paying attention to, and dopamine is very much involved in that. two parts:

bottom up: fight or flight, instinctual attention grabbing, not conscious (scrolling on tiktok or using a slot machine), loud bang or flash.

top down: uses prefrontal cortex, which takes longer to develop. is intentional, thoughtful, requires memory consolidation, which happens only when you let your mind wander through moments of silence, quiet and peace.

when you grow up in a chaotic home you are programming the bottom up part of your nervous system to the be the main driver for things that you pay attention to. exists in your amygdala, behavior driven by spikes of cortisol. motivating yourself to do boring things is difficult bc your nervous system has been wired to only do things when you feel like youre in an emergency situation.

>> i wouldnt say my fight or flight is this bad. especially once i left the relationship, every day its easier and easier to do things like brush my teeth, wash the dishes, clean up the apartment, do my yoga. things that used to feel IMPOSSIBLE to do. i am still finding myself scrolling more than i would though, BUT its getting easier and easier to snap out of it once i realize im not enjoying what im seeing instead of continuing to scroll in hopes of another dopamine hit.

when you grow up in chaos you never have a moment to just rest and let your default neural network consolidate memories and get to the top down approach.

to start shifting the meter:

you have to generate dopamine and you have to make the things that you know you need to do but dont necessarily want to do, as rewarding as humanly possible. rn both systems use dopamine which has to do with attention and your reward system. if something kept you safe, your brain is going to generate dopamine and it's going to say do it again, even if its not creating actual safety in your life (like spending all your money).

when living in an emergency state is normal for you and what you expect, that becomes physiological safety to you.

you have to create slow bits of safety by rewarding yourself for doing the boring things.

>> i wonder if i can do dopamine reset days, where every other day i do the phone landline thing, graduating to no phone at all on those days, and instead focus on tasks and chores. i think this would be very doable once he leaves and i can really let my walls down.

you can artificially create a time frame that is constrained to trick your system so you can get things done.

when you build a habit of consistency it is going to start creating physiological safety in your body in ways that you have never felt before.

we dont even realize how much chaos we are personally creating in our lives bc our physiology needs the chaos. once it stops needing it and starts wanting consistency, sameness, routine, it is priceless. contentment, groundedness.

>> i reeeeeally relate to this in regards to my yoga practice. freeing myself from a draining and borderline toxic relationship and gaining enough energy to start stretching my body, experiencing physical release and crying and processing my feelings, and now craving it and demanding it as part of my morning routine. and now adding journaling and note taking and reflection to it, and even though there are moments that i find myself falling back into old unhealthy routines, they are balanced by moments of peace and sureness that are so blissful and priceless they leave me feeling like im in a dream.

>> also work is simply taking a backseat in my life right now especially as something that ive needlessly stressed myself out over. i have too many personal things going on to be able to sit for hours laboring and then be completely exhausted by the end of the day, so every day i do my best to come to terms with that.

via @keith_chill: the only way to heal the nervous system is by speaking its language. it does not understand words, thoughts or amazing insights.

trying to change habits, working on mindsets, using willpower to catch triggers or even letting it pass through dont actually heal the nervous system.

5 ways to communicate with your nervous system:

felt safety: foundational language. your NS is constantly asking one question: am i safe right now? felt safety is THE ANSWER IT UNDERSTANDS, not the cognitive knowledge that you are safe but the actual experience of safety in your body - your breath deepening, your shoulders softening (thinking about my shoulder injury ive had for years now and all of the physical tenseness that has led to chronic pain, how i have to constantly catch myself when im tensing up...), the quiet sense of feeling ok. without felt safety, no other healing input can actually land. coregulation builds it from the outside and capacity slowly internalizes it. small repeated experiences of okayness teach the body that safety is real. for many people felt safety is something they have never generally experienced. building it is generally where everything else begins. this is the language underneath all the others and the one your NS has been waiting to hear. (i really should start working in a meditation practice, ideally once i get up and BEFORE i get on that damn phone. and definitely work in 5-10 mins every time i start ruminating before succumbing to the impulse to check my phone and get a dopamine hit)

altered states: the access mechanism. the conscious mind has been protecting you by keeping certain experiences, memories and survival responses out of your awareness. that protection is real and has a cost and it also keeps you from reaching the level where the patterns actually live. altered states loosen that gatekeeping and allow your NS to access material that ordinary waking consciousness cannot reach. happens thru: conscious connected breathwork, hypnosis, deep meditation and certain forms of body work. the mind quiets, the defenses soften and what has been stored becomes available. one of the most direct routes to where healing actually needs to happen.

release and integration: once access is created the NS needs to A. release what it has been holding B. integrate what shifted. release happens through diff pathways through the body: shaking, sound, tears, movement; through the subconscious: memories, images, emotions surfacing in hypnosis; through breath as old activation finally completing. none of this lasts without the integration: the time and space your NS needs to absorb what moved. happens through: rest after sessions, gentle attention to what shifted, allowing the system to consolidate before going deeper.

coregulation: your NS learned its patterns in the presence of other NS'. it heals most powerfully in the same way. coregulation is the language of one regulated NS holding space for another. it is not about what is said it is about the autonomic state of the person you are with. this happens with practitioners whose NS are generally regulated with safe people who can stay calm while you activate. in group sessions where the collective field holds you, with animals, with nature. the body learns safety from other bodies that already know it. one of the most underestimated and powerful languages there is.

corrective experiences: where healing consolidates. direct felt experiences that contradict what your nervous system learnt was true. being seen w/o judgement when your old pattern expected criticism, receiving care w/o cost when it was always conditional before, setting a boundary and having it honored when it never was. these exp need to be felt in the body, not understood cognitively, to reach the level where the original patterns live. they happen through situated exposure to what your NS found dangerous, through practictioner held containers for difficult material, through real relational moments that prove something different is possible. each one writes new information into the NS and over time the new information becomes the new baseline.

via @heryogimind:

the only way to regulate NS and keep it something thats consistent is by repeated consistency of safety.

awareness does not live in the NS it sits in the mind. NS carries attachment wounds, trauma, unresolved pain (knowing hes on his way back and my senses are all on alert and im trying to get this done as fast as possible and also feeling pain in my womb).

only way NS will begin to regulate is when you begin teaching it safety.

in moments where you are hypervigilant, talk to your body and tell it "i am safe right now".

butterfly hugs, bilateral stimulation.

need to teach it that in every moment we are NOT living in survival or a threatening situation

many havent healed the NS bc they havent healed their attachment wounds which comes directly from upbringing and childhood. if you cant heal these wounds you will always be drawn to unhealthy connections.

being in healthy relationships where you can be yourself, be open, transparent, you feel safe and seen, this is what also actually regulates the nervous system. repetition of safety consistently is a way of teaching the NS a newer narrative and different narrative than what you were brought up with

7/2 Current stars via @astrodienst:

The quality of time is exceptionally intense this month. In the first few days, the focus is on the tension between material security and personal freedom. The mood is nervous and unpredictable.

With Chiron in Taurus, the focus is on nourishment, personal and global resources, money, and material security, among other things. Jupiter in Leo emphasizes the solar principle and therefore individuality. Between the poles of a need for security and the free expression of personality, a dialogue now begins about how we should deal with resources and ownership in the future. This marks the start of a dynamic development that will continue to occupy us throughout the month.

via @datinganddesire :sexual desire does not mean necessarily i feel seen and known and cherished and understood and valued. what am i really longing for when i feel the need or desire for sex?

instead of asking "how do i control my desire?", try asking "what is underneath it?"

"where do i feel unseen?"

"where am i longing for connection?"

"where am i asking sex to give me something only love, safety, and belonging can hold?"

your desire may be asking for care, not just release.

where are you longing to be more deeply known?

via @hope_peddler: list out all of the things you want and hope to get by being loved by a man. if youre not sure about this, go to your daydreams. what is it that you envision when you envision being loved by a man? do not judge the daydream. ask yourself, "what would i feel in that moment? what would be the feelings that are making me feel so good?" a feeling of being wanted, being safe, of not being alone, of being understood, a combination, finally reaching an adult milestone or an optimistic view of the future?

figure out what the craving is underneath the daydream.

(immediately, excitement. being wanted and cared for intensely and intently)

do this practice with every daydream you have. once you have identified the daydream, ask these three questions:

is this particular need a need that is best met by a romantic partner, or would it be better to learn how to meet it on my own, or through friendship, community & family?

in all my previous relationships, has this need ever actually been fulfilled? how often? was it fulfilled for the entirety of the relationship, or only a portion of the relationship?

what was the cost of you getting that need met?

if i never met a romantic partner who could meet the needs that i need to be met, or who could do so without costing me more than im willing to pay, is there another way that i could get this need met?

we are worthy of being explored, but also you are your best explorer. do this practice with the backdrop of knowing the statistics that typically single women are happier than women who are partnered with men.

>> i do want to note that i am NOT interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with a man now or any time in the near future. my interest is in taking many lovers but i thought this video provided some really good questions that will help me in reflecting on my previous turbulent relationships and the driving forces that kept me in them, as well as the admittedly unhealthy way i tend to look at sex and partners.

via @yoni_bootcamp: when its been a while since we've been in anxious attachment, we can forget how intense and all consuming it is. once you hit a certain threshold, theres no real regulation that can work. "you have crossed a line of absolute frothing frenzy, of complete distraught desperation that probably even the person reaching out cant touch you either."

"having a desire, and the underside of that desire being a fear that that desire is not going to happen, be continously extending towards a person and being unfulfilled creates this almost volcanic molten lava level tectonic wound within you that is existential"

the wound becomes something beyond the person and becomes something about your existence with the universe itself. the anxiousness beyond the threshold shows you:

no matter how deep youve buried it, the extent to which you do have a depth level of desire within you for whatever it is - to be loved, worthy, to be enough, accompanied, attended to - the underside of those desires are all your worst fears - that youre worthless, gonna die alone, that nobody loves you, that it really is you "standing solitary in the hollow canyon before the great, indifferent, beckoning, expansive universe".

at that point the only thing left to do is to journey to the underworld. you are being pulled by your heart, your genitals, into the underworld. this is not a time to go into your mind and try to fix it and strategize bc something much much deeper is pulling you and demanding your attention.

underneath the facade of being a normal person is a facade of being a hot, fiery, primal, vicious creature with fangs, teeth, loins that wants what is wants and is willing to fight to the death for it (we, at the very end of it all, have always been and will always be ANIMALS). most of the time that part of you is able to lay dormant except when it gets fed just a little bit.

the yearning creature within us that awakens and its hungry and all of a sudden we are not rational, we are a red blooded, voriaciously starved creature. it doesnt make sense to go into a therapy style conversation. once you realize you have crossed that threshold, you must recognize that there it is, your hunger for life, your desire body, your skin in the game of this world. this desire is being intensely directed at a person but its misguided, even if they were to reach out, it wouldnt actually satisfy you. this is because we are encountering baba yaga inside, our deepest longing. what we are facing is actually every conditional agreement that we've tried to make with the universe: "if i can feel loved and chosen, then i can feel okay existing, then i can manage this silly pathetic little life".

in those desires being frustrated, in the person you have misdirected your desires towards, if he actually gave you that crumb, you wouldnt be able to face the true hunger, the true thing that you have within you because you would be satisfied. in denying you even the basic consideration of communication, you actually feel your longing for the whole meal and then you get to do what all great esoteric traditions are really about, which is about figuring out how to reconcile the nature of desire. you can try and transcend your desire, or lean into your desire.

what happens when you turn towards that monster within you, that monster that maybe would have been lulled to sleep with a silly little text message, but instead is here and is showing you that she exists, that she wants more? what happens when you do journey into the underworld? when you do say okay, now that youre really here, what do you really want? and how can we actually reconcile with the nature of our existence? how can we actually be in a relationship with this dancing universe of swirling opposites, where desire is always linked to fear? where even the fact of desire itself indicates the lack of it, where even the fact of desire itself indicates this underbelly of the fear of not getting it, where outside conditions are not guaranteed - just because you have found your yearning does not mean you will receive it, even if you employ a zillion different strategies of modulating yourself and attempting to manifest and control external conditions - none of it is guaranteed and the only vector is change and at the end of the day, none of us has control over anything and we are simply here existing with our desire bodies, then what? you and me, baba yaga, monster, toned and textured universe?

>> thinking about how i feel after a good rollercoaster ride.

@maria.on.earth: when there is no longer a desperation to change how you feel, you sink into the medicine that is here and present in your now moment

we tend to push away our most natural expression and embodiment of a feeling or emotion b/c we've deemed it unworthy

emotions are not pushing us away from our most "healed state", but our most healed state is our most present one, and our presence is available no matter what we are feeling

there is no wrong emotion to feel, just permission to feel what is there

let your emotions be a teacher and a doorway to presence. do not assign them a morality of good or bad. feel them in order to be aware

@her_mind_speaks: there is a strength that doesnt look like action, it looks like stillness. sitting in your own pain, being able to stay with yourself. when the urge hits, dont move, dont obey. the urgency is a sign to do the opposite and slow down and observe instead of act.

there is wisdom in your wounds, the scared parts, the parts that have never been seen, the parts that just learned how to survive. observe your adaptations - the patterns, the protection, the survival strategies, all the familiarity that's leading your life without you even noticing.

(i think of the fear that tried to keep me safe during the first months of the first home, fearing the roof would be taken from us and the floor snatched from under our feet again. and how that fear is still present now that i face the chasm without a safety net)

observing these can feel like youre being broken open, can feel violent. you need so much compassion for yourself just to survive and bring these parts into integration. the compassion then spills outward.

sitting with compulsions leads to developing deep boundaries and peace. living outside of the wound.

it was never the pain that broke you, it was everything your system did to avoid feeling that pain.

now, if you find yourself triggered by rejection, recognize that the old strategies of chasing, overthinking, overexplaining, the urge to fix, the urge to earn the person back do not make sense in adult relationships, but did make sense at some point. they were built when you couldnt just walk away, when you had to stay connected to someone that might have been inconsistent, rejecting, or emotionally unsafe. your system adapted.

reparenting isnt just a concept. its you learning how to stay with parts of you that can feel really young and tender and overwhelmed. feelings like shame, rejection, fear, anger are overwhelming and when we were children, we were not able to hold these feelings alone (and didnt have someone safe to help us learn to hold them, to help us learn how to feel them and process them), so our systems adapted by chasing, fixing, overfunctioning, shutting down, detaching.

so this is what to do, slow down and take a breath and come into the present moment. visualize the trigger. notice what it brings up in you and then gently and softly ask yourself "where does it hurt?" not fixing, just locating. stay there for a moment. say to yourself, "it's so hard when you feel rejected. youre not wrong for feeling this. i can see why this hurts." go deeper. "what is the feeling underneath this? rejection, abandonment, not being chosen? not being enough? not being seen?" let it be there without trying to move away from it.

reparenting is hard because youre learning to stay with the emotional states that once felt unbearable. the most vulnerable parts of you that felt too big to feel alone - and you were alone, so your system learned to escape it instead.

this process must be slow, gentle, not forced. once you stay with the emotion as long as you can, then regulate. take a breath, move, come back to your body, then return to the feeling and repeat. over time you build capacity. ask yourself what you feel, what do you need? comfort, reassurance, to feel safe? connection? to be held emotionally? respond like you would with a child. "this is hard. ive got you. i can see why this feels so big. give it to me. youre not alone in this. im here with you"

(coming up is grief, so much grief that little me had no one for this and had to deal with these feelings caused by the person that should have held me)

youre not fixing or rushing, pure presence. sway, tap. then widen the lens. bring space back in. "sometimes people just cant meet us in the way we need. that doesnt mean somethings wrong with you. it may mean theyre dealing with something in their own life. why might they be hurting or limited or unavailable right now"

come back to yourself, which is the most important part. even if someone cant stay, or pulls away, or doesnt meet you where you need to be met, we are still here for ourselves.

you build an inner relationship w yourself. where you will never abandon yourself.

say to yourself: "i am the luckiest to be able to love you" (tears, now.)

(remembering that connection that would leave me coming in colors. his face shining in my dreams as i slept for the first time in months, as i ate a full meal off the same plate as him. gratitude for that angelic pairing suspended in time, gratitude that i just feel gratitude and not an urge to try and force it again)

over time in this process, you start to process stuck emotional pain instead of acting it out. build capacity to stay with feelings like rejection, shame, fear, and slowly become someone who can respond to life from an adult state instead of reacting from old protective strategies that were only ever there to keep you connected to somebody who was difficult and which prevent you from walking away from the people who are probably not right for you.

in reparenting, its less about trying to solve or figure out a problem and more about reassuring and validating. the nervous system settles down when it's met, not when it's solved something.

via @xoxoclarke

intuition:

EFFECT: never mean to you

AWARENESS: a quiet knowing; a nudge; tells you what you know or need to know; curiosity

INTENSITY: no sense of urgency; whispers, once. will persist. feels like a suggestion; comes with stillness; a bubbling spring; the brakes; sneaks up on you; relaxed

LOCATION: in your belly/gut; back of body

APPEARANCE: comes up in statements (i want/dont want to ___); speaks as a friend; delivered with calm; sure/precise; can appear with fruition; paired with synchronicity, feels like fate

GUIDANCE: uses confidence and grace to move you; a holy spirit to make you aware; tells you to observe

anxiety:

EFFECT: scary; will make you stress more; uses fear to move you; will go away after you ground yourself in the moment; wants you to react; wants you to seek reassurance to avoid failure

INTENSITY: urgent; erratic; feels like a threat; a flood; the accelerator; consumes you

LOCATION: in your heart; chest; head; front of body

APPEARANCE: loud; fast paced; rushing; screaming repeatedly; comes up as questions; yells as an overbearing parent; obsessive and repetitive; comes with emotions; over-explains; can appear when needs are not met

SUBSTANCE: full of worry/doubt; what you dont know

the ability to distinguish between the two and respond accordingly in the moment is DISCERNMENT

questions to ask yourself in the moment:

First, do a body scan and breathe deeply. Where is this feeling?

Is this feeling loud or quiet?

Is this feeling rushing me to act, or guiding me to observe and become aware?

awaresness of wounds that need to be healed and released

review, reassess, redo, release

look inward. past triggers emotions and feelings coming up

pay attention to what from the past comes up

journal, shadow work, alchemizing energy into power

do not fall back into old ways - cancer: familiarity and comfort. going back to what is safe is keeping you from growing

pay attention to intuition, signs, and dreams

revisit and find inspiration from past projects, fashion, art, etc

think before you speak and post

avoid reacting emotionally. let yourself feel things out before you act on it

be mindful of travel

declutter physically, emotionally, and spiritually

allow yourself to rest and feel

i want to seek gentleness with myself. taking my time, not rushing. i want to spend a lot of time reflecting with SELF COMPASSION. striving to embody my highest self. i want to think of this as emotional cocoon time, with the sea wrapping itself around me. the biggest thing i need to release is the unhealthy dependency and attachment i develop when i begin to project my best qualities onto others. instead of seeing, objectively, who they are. i dont want to ignore red flags anymore. i dont want to hold on to any more fantasies nor project them onto real people with real lives outside of me. i want to be present in the present moment. i want to rediscover my power and only hold on to that instead of assigning it to others. i want to choose myself, again and again, and find pleasure in all aspects of life so that the chances of me becoming unhealthily attached are slimmer and slimmer.

i gave myself a nightmare on saturday night because i realized i havent been remembering my dreams, and im becoming more and more aware of the way i bury my feelings before i even have a chance to look at them. and it was about my fears of living alone, of independence, of not having someone to fall back on. in the dream fires surrounded my home and alarms went off and i was so scared. a window, glass and frame and all, fell on me while i was in my bed and i couldnt breathe and i couldnt move and i cried for my ex. not in the romantic sense, in the partnership sense of just having someone there to support me. and that is my fear right now that i need to connect to. the same shadow that has told me im not strong enough to be independent, to do things on my own for myself. that keeps me waiting for others that will inevitably disappoint me. saturday night i should have gone back down to the beach after the dog walk but instead was waiting around for a text. but i should have gone.

i need to keep reminding myself with my body and my mind that i have agency. this has been my hardest battle since from infancy i was taught that my body is not my own. i want to remember i have the freedom to go outside, to ride my bike, to run errands without needing another person to help me or do it for me.

sunday i met up with friends and had an amazing day at the beach, with perfect water and waves. the ocean was soft and warm and made me feel connected to everything. i felt so much gratitude and resilience and determination. and then i went to see a lover and my god...it was everything ive been waiting for. passionate, intentional, and pleasurable. so pleasurable i almost cried!!! LOL!! and then we got ice cream and french fries and went again before i went home.

from aspensuniverse:

emotion is information not instruction a. we do not need to act from our emotion b. emotions can be a vehicle into our present experience; a pathway for us to be in our body - give them the space to fully express, locate it

we can have better conversations with people when we remove the emotional filter we perceive these conversations through. do not assume anothers intentions or meanings due to an unmet need in childhood

cancer governs over foundations a. remove anything not serving a purpose b. notice the leaks or weak points in the foundations of our lives c. can be routines, belief systems, relationships, work patterns etc

have bravery and be honest about how we're feeling

an emotion usually lasts around 120 seconds when allowed to express

im already feeling the shadow period. my emotions feel so strong, so volatile that im left cowering. all i want to do is jump into the sea. looking back at my posts from over a decade ago, and the same feeling of being touch starved is totally overwhelming. to be completely honest, i am pushing it away. i dont want to feel it. but thats just making it worse.

out of almost a thousand people who "liked" my online dating app profile, i only found 5 attractive. FIVE!!! and yet im sitting here complaining that i dont have someone waiting on me hand and foot. perhaps that assessment the EMDR therapist had me take was correct in regards to feeling "entitled". i feel frustrated when people dont give me the attention i am looking for. is that not entitlement?

yesterday was spent redirecting my feelings of frustration and rejection again and again and again, many times over every hour. it was exhausting. it didnt really help. at night i told myself i would come ten times before quitting to see if that would alleviate some of the stress. you know what happened? even getting to the first was so so so difficult. i spent so long at the edge of the cliff and when i finally went over, it was a tiny fall instead of the huge drop i normally experience. i turned my wand off and simply started crying. where were the tears coming from?

frustration that i didnt feel better, that i needed to concentrate to even come, that i normally felt so good after but didnt feel so great this time, and a little relief that i was at least crying.

i did try to locate my feelings as i tried to fall asleep. a lot of weight and darkness behind my face, my eyes my mouth. im still not sure what it was. it felt heavier than sadness.

still trying to figure out this cavern of desire. came upon a creator speaking about the underworld, the wild woman who sleeps and is fed a piece of meat only to awaken more gluttonous than ever before and thats exactly how i feel. she said we need to go into the underworld. i feel like im looking at it sometimes, but someone else said they realized they are the void. and i need to realize that desire is not separate from me, it is me. its not something i can try to redirect or breathe through. i do need to dive in and figure what its about.

another said its a hunger for living. for life, for all the little things. and i appreciate as many sensual pleasures as i can. and another said sexual pleasure is just a SUBSET of pleasures. we must accept all kinds to live a fulfilled life. which i agree with and which i truly have no trouble doing. a flower growing in the concrete, the soft blues and purples of a twilight sky, the way the waves churn, the soft fur on my dog's ears. a clean kitchen, a gauzy fabric. i love and accept and appreciate all those things. but its been so long since i felt fulfilled in a sexual relationship.

and that makes me think about what my current state of mind is. zooming out again and realizing, it makes sense to feel that weight and sadness so big i cant place it. my old life is slipping away. a partnership, a future i had planned and worked towards. security, safety, stability i thought i had. falling out of love. losing a friendship that was so important to me. the lifestyle i have grown accostumed to. the assistance with things made difficult by chronic pain. the new fear of rejection and pain from strangers. new vulnerabilities. these all combined are scary things. it would make sense to feel that weight. it would make sense to want to seek comfort, especially a comfort i havent had in so long.

my trouble is that ive always seen it as a drug, and ive been forced to be sober for a long time. i dont want to deny myself anymore. im trying to have trust and faith that it will work out as it should. im trying and sometimes succeeding in holding my head up high and feeling the energies keeping me afloat, knowing im protected. but i cant lie and say i dont hate when that desperation comes through. i can say it feels like its not part of me, but it is. what happens if i lean into it and try to understand it, to thank it for the ways it is trying to keep me safe? will that be the bridge between my violent emotion and my tempered rationality? will i find equilibrium and peace? its plain to see trying to run from it or supress it with refreshing pages and rereading conversations is NOT working. will going cold turkey help?

i tried to delete instagram today and made it all of 2 hours before caving and redownloading. had a split second of trying to understand what i was looking for and was able to realize it was connection. im losing the closest person ive had for years. he was not just my partner but my best friend. i got almost all of my human connection needs met through him. speaking every day, laughing, cuddling, everything. now that has been severed so it would make sense that im in need. not just for the romantic side but for the friendship side as well.

im someone who has always had a hard time with friendships. with making friends and then keeping them. and years go by and the circle i had gets smaller and smaller. so these two losses hit especially hard. of course im becoming neurotic about even a crumb of connection!!!! im going through the worst thing thats ever happened to me!!!!!!! i keep forgetting since im just living my life hour to hour and i think it hurts so bad when i zoom out that i just dont do it!!!!!!!!!

losing those relationships while ALSO having been in a relationship that left me feeling extremely lonely for 5 years!!!!!!!!! no fucking wonder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

at least now im feeling compassion for myself and i definitely feel a little more unburdened.

its very funny to me how ive been struggling with maintaining a consistent yoga practice for years and now that im out of that draining relationship its second nature. i would like to also fold in these writing exercises/journaling after my stretches every day since i think it will be very helpful. curious to see how the rest of my day goes now that ive spit out and worked out my feelings onto a digital page.

more compulsions leaving me feeling muddy, no doubt amplified by not writing or creating in many days.

so going to my queue:

[compulsions to connect are most likely "the place your mind goes to avoid meeting yourself". looking for proof we are "safe, wanted and enough". realization leads you away from "the identity that needed to be chosen"]

trying to connect to that identity so that i can step away from it - what has this past relationship told me about myself? i remember seeing a post that said "i can tell how much you love yourself by the partner you choose" and feeling a weight in my gut like a stone. with all of my self love talk, redirection away from a wicked inner voice, attempts to soothe and love myself, i ultimately had chosen someone who did not treat me the way i deserved to be treated.

i think about the day after i found out, the panic attack straight into the bathtub, sitting under the spray and howling in pain. the resolve to relapse and to cut again. i really thought i had moved past that. it had been over a decade since the last time. yet that urge rose up so violently and caged me with its claws. the feeling of "not enough". the feeling of "you dont deserve better than this". the hopeless feeling, the feeling of no self worth. that shadow flew up from the depths where it had been hiding all along. where it had pulled the strings and kept me with a man who had admitted many times in his weird and disconnected ways, that he did not care for me.

once, i showed him a sweet desk ornament i purchased that i still look at every day. beaming, excited. he said, "i have to be honest, i really dont care about this". i laughed and shook my head. my defenses came up and i felt pity for him and his misery. and retreated back into self acceptance and gratitude that i could feel the level of joy that i did. but i really ignored how terrible that made me feel. the dark drop that sunk and joined all the rest. so many situations like that. i didnt realize how large the shadow had become.

i knew it was there. i admitted as much to my therapist. i gave it a name. "i dont believe that i deserve anything better than this". i even said it to him too. how heartbreaking? how devastating? to name such a thing and not feel the pain and sorrow and grief that goes alongside it. so it all sinks down to join the shadow as well.

how many people, strangers and friends, have been brought joy by my joy? admiring the relentlessness with which i pursued the things that made me smile, feeling wonder at the tears of happiness that would flow, wanting and needing to reach for the light just like i did? and all the while, the person who slept next to me at night for years felt resentment and jealousy towards the best parts of me. his darkness searching for something to latch on to. and drag me down with him.

what does that do to a person?

i kept quiet for so long and now all of the terrible things are pouring out of me, and theres still a part of me that is confused when people react in horror. so im mentally aware that im struggling but im not feeling it? even though the feelings are clearly there. and the way theyre manifesting is that compulsive search for dopamine and escape.

safe, wanted, and enough...i dont feel safe, i want to feel wanted, i fear i dont feel like im enough.

what does regulation feel like to me?