messy messy

and i’ve been trying and trying and

trying and trying

and who am i fucking kidding lol like i am such a difficult person to be around and with it’s why everyone leaves me and idk if i can change that lol like idk what to do anymore

i’ve been feeling particularly not pretty and not smart and not kind

Things have been messy again, as they always tend to be. But I think I’m the closest I’ve ever been to knowing what I want, who I am right now, who I can spend time with, how I can be happy, how I can’t. 

I’ve been feeling bad about myself, though, for a number of reasons. Some of them are small, like... I’ve been stress eating. I haven’t been exercising. I’m not presenting myself the way I want to. I don’t feel pretty. I don’t feel good. I don’t feel clean, or in tune with the universe.

Some are bigger, like, am I selfish? Like, my best friends always leave me. I can’t get into a romantic relationship without feeling suffocated and, ultimately, unsatisfied. (I justify it by saying I can’t force myself to ‘settle’ but what kind of superiority complex is that? How much more ableist can I be? I am not better than anyone lol. I just have unrealistic expectations. Or I can’t feel anything for anyone...fully.) Every time I take one step forward, things throw me 10 steps back. And it’s always my fault. 

Andddd my problems are the biggest first-world problems, really. 

But I can’t afford next semester’s tuition, and I have to start thinking about that, too, I guess. 

Anyways, I haven’t written on here in awhile. I’ll probably stop because it’s not something that’s very consistent to begin with. It’s funny, though, back when I started this blog, my biggest problem I would write about was my ex.

And now, after so much shit and drama and tears and months without talking and arguments and weeping nights, we’re friends. My ex and I are friends.

And I have a new life, and she does too, and all my problems are now completely different and detached from the tiny bubble we were both living in before. 

It’s funny how life does that; it turns you around, throws you in new shit. Sometimes, you forgot about past lives for a sec. 

Things have been good, though. For the most part. 

I’ve just been bad. 

I want to fix everything. And I’m determined to be better again. I can’t keep letting it get away from me. I can’t keep feeling disgusting and unhealthy and unemotional and isolated from the bursting world around me. 

Because being happy and feeling good is an active commitment; it’s not something that just happens to you without putting in the effort. 

Why exactly...?

Because I can.

Because I haven’t been the best version of myself possible, and that ends tomorrow. I’ve been trying, but I haven’t been DOING.

Tomorrow, and from here on out, it’s all do. It’s all 100% of my heart and soul into living toward my career. 

Today, we had a guest speaker in my lecture class. And he inspired me so much through his passion for what he does...