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I have a lot of friends in the kink community and most of those are females.

I hate to say that’s because most men getting into this world are assholes. Most aren’t Dom’s or Daddy’s at all but instead use the disguise of kink to prey on unsuspecting women who believe because they are submissive that Doms, any Doms, have the right to speak to them as if they own them. These men always tell you to call them sir or daddy right off the bat. They tell you they have a ton of experience, and they convince newer or weaker willed subs that doing it their way is how it always works.

Here’s the truth, EVERY d/s dd/bg dynamic is different. It’s different because there are different people involved. There’s no one way to be a Dom and no one way to be submissive. Here’s another truth. You, as a submissive, owe someone you just started talking to NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Submission is a gift of trust, it’s not something taken by a Dom just because he claims to be one. Make him earn trust. Some will do it easier than others. Some men you just have a good feeling about. That’s ok but make them earn it anyway. If you have bad vibes at all it’s usually in your best interest to run…trust your gut.

If your potential new Dom does any of the following it could be a sign he’s one of these predators that we all need to despise:

1. If he calls you Slave, Whore, Slut, etc immediately and before the dynamic is established.

2. If he demands you call him Sir, or especially Master right away before things are established.

3. If every conversation is about sex from the beginning.

4. If he demands naked pictures right away or pictures just for the sake of pictures with no context to them. Or if he sends you the dreaded dick pic early on.

5. If he asks for your address or names of people you live with etc. This one sounds dumb but a lot of women give a new Dom their mailing address to send them a new toy etc, if that’s a demand really early in talking be very careful.

6. Last but not least,. Most important! IF HE TELLS YOU YOU DO NOT NEED A SAFEWORD WITH HIM, RUN FAST!!!! If he tells you once you agree to be his that the color system, red yellow etc or safewords don’t matter, run!!!! Here’s one I’ve heard from a few female friends “if I collar you or fuck you before you use a safeword then you lose the right to use a safeword”

A d/s relationship of any kind is based on a good power exchange and building a trust. There are many times, probably 75% of my play time with a sub is spent fully clothed for me. If I’m beating with a flogger, paddling, even tying her up and using toys, forcing orgasm after orgasm, or edging, etc. I get my thrill off of her total submission. It’s not a sex scene and every play session will not have sex. Sex is honestly the last thing I think about and doesn’t enter the equation until we are well established.

When I give my subs rules, I explain the reasons for them. That includes pictures. If I tell a sub to play for me and it’s a LDR (Long distance relationship) or not a 24/7 thing I tell them I want pictures as proof they played. That stops some once I’m comfortable they are honest about play times. If I ask them for a selfie in the morning or one before bed. It’s not about just a picture , I explain that it’s for me because I love to see her eyes, her smile knowing her last thought is of me and her first thought is. It’s making her take thirty seconds to remind me that she’s mine and here for me.

Stories, pay attention to his tales and stories of past subs. If he says every single sub has been the same, tells you every single sub does the same amateurish 12 year old boy fantasizing about women porn type of stuff he’s lying. He’s feeding his ego and his own lack of real experience.

Understand you have a voice. As a sub the dynamic depends on you. You are the reason he gets to be a Dom. He isn’t a Dom without you. He’s just an arrogant asshole looking for a weak woman!