Writing Out Loud

we fell in love in the a.m

black sheets become a tangling mess

after hours and exhaustion

the only energy we have is for each other

our fingers knotted together 

as you stare at me with soft eyes 

and tell me you're just “appreciating me”

what feels like a forever bliss was only 45 minutes

and each time you leave I miss you more

my heart skipped so fast I thought it would explode

I thought of you thinking of someone else

my heart couldn't claim that as true,

but my mind did

I brought myself to unearth my insecurites piled deep inside my spirit

convinced the world would crumble beneath me

I was so ready to dig my own grave

I planned to lay myself to rest

unworthy of the love you once presented to me

I convinced myself this was it

yet,

 you told me the exact opposite

you denounced my insecurities, 

my world-ending-revelation

and I realized in that moment,

you had me bound

and I became the very fool I told myself I'd never be

~  falling too fast 

I can feel it

Slowly

You made love to my mind

I’m falling in love

And I know if i continue this

I’ll be in trouble

I try not to think about you

But every time I see you my heart flutters

We cuddle

We touch

You stare into my eyes

You stare at me when I’m looking away

I look up and you’re still staring

With a smile locked on your face

You tell me how gorgeous I am

And I don’t know if I should believe you

I wonder if you know what you’re doing

I’ve never had a man look at me the way you do

And it frightens me

I think you know you have the ball in your court

And I’ve never let myself be so vulnerable

I want to be around you

I didn’t want you to leave

But you couldn’t stay

I’m afraid I’m getting my hopes up

Being loved the way I should be doesn’t feel right

I’m scared

I can’t explain this feeling

But I’ve never felt so safe

I used to write and write about these moments

A hypothetical

But now it’s as if the words written

Tore themselves from the pages of my book

And found the love that was once engraved in ink

~ the first days of love

I write this as a note to myself. I believe wellness is the sufficient mental, physical, and spiritual wellbeing of a person. I have struggled with anxiety and intrusive thoughts. There are times I think it’s gone and there are also times I have bad episodes. When I was really struggling, I saw no way out and never thought I would overcome it. As I grow and learn I have concluded that obtaining a healthy well-being is an ever-going process. Living and learning is what has helped and continued to help me get over some of these battles I face. I learned that getting through the struggles and obstacles have allowed me to have confidence for the next “mountain”. Although I still struggle with these things, I have found better ways of sustaining myself. I know that I can do it and I tell myself I can. I also believe it is good to be easy on yourself. I have this tendency to be so hard on myself and compare myself to others. Add to the fact that “no” has not been so easy to roll off my lips. I want to become less of a people pleaser. It is okay to put yourself first. And that is still something I am working on. And I know that I need to give myself the same grace I give others.  

yet the past is still creepin’

random thoughts interrupt good times

mistakes from the past revisit 

like a ghost you never see but know is there 

when I eat 

when I sleep

when I'm washing my face free from the night before ,

is when that familiar feeling stops to say hello

and I continue to wash and wash until my brown skin tingles and is raw to the touch 

why do I let shame take a hold of me?

I shame myself for the things that were in my control

but what takes a hold of me most, are the things that were out of my grasp

from experiences I know weren't my fault but I still tell myself they were

I still feel you on my body

and it’s a feeling I can't shake

sometimes I wish I could shed not only my skin but my flesh and bones as well

like a starfish

but the “past is the past” they say

as if the past doesn't exist in the very people you call friends

the very people you confide in 

who have hurt you 

who have gaslit you

who have taken advantage of you...

and I come to slowly realize, that the shame I felt never defined who I was or who I am

who I am is bigger than the shame behind me 

and I refuse to be a woman who carries shame

- K.P

god,

I’m high at 5:05

baby we haven’t even met

but I know you taste like cigs

you don’t know what you’re talking about

but you look so hot

never thought a man could bring me to my very will

god help me

parliament cigarette smoke

inhaling every bit on a will to survive

lust like its love

pit stops just for sex

we make love in your impala

and we’re on the road again

I reach for you

I know you just gave it to me

but I’ll never stop needing you

your face hard on the road

you’ve lived

and seen things

you look over and my heart stops

the pull you have on me

is greater than gravity

I’m in need

but there’s a different side of you I see now

it’s like you show me bits and pieces

you know I’m fragile and that’s why I’m your baby

I look to heaven as you whisper, I’m “godsent”

but baby don’t forget

we are forsaken

you’re the devil

and I am in love with sin

I love him and we haven’t even met

I’m making my way through life

With half a heart

Soul mate

Twin flame

Whatever missing piece

Whatever part of the puzzle

You complete me

And until you find me

I’ll always be just half a heart

-I’m high and it’s 5:05 on a Saturday morning

or to be loved by another

I yearn for both

my speech proclaims self

yet my tears bleed otherwise

-I contradict myself

yesterday’s wind made love to me

and today

placed gentle kisses on my exposed skin

naked

I could have walked out naked

my body swept away

dancing through the air

and the sky cries

gentle tears on my face

if weather could describe me

this would be it

but sometimes boys are to blame 

they throw the rock

then hide their hands

they want the prettiest 

most perfect flowers

but shower you in nothing but shade

they want all your nectar

but offer no water, no moisture

how do they expect you to grow

they don't 

they want to pick your petals

and wilt your flowers

yet you grow despite

and close off your petals 

so they replant in the next garden

a weed in disguise

oh pretty puffs of yellow 

oh what a dandelion

1.12.22