sup. clark.

“touchy?” of all of the words people had used to describe jesse in his life, touchy had never been one of them. “my girlfriend cries all day, barely sleeps, won’t eat, and when i leave to come here, any progress she’s made disappears.” he wasn’t yelling, but he was talking loud enough that all of the other nosy people listening to their conversation could hear. “so every day i have to choose whether we get to eat or she gets to keep her sanity for a little longer. if that means i’m touchy, so be it.”

clark knew he was fucking this up. like, really bad. he winced at jesse’s reaction and instinctively, a hand went to the back of his neck. he couldn’t imagine darby in the same state hannah must be, but it made his insides twist nonetheless. there was a short, heavy silence after jesse let it all out and clark didn’t know what to say. his big, stupid mouth offered up, “sorry, bro...” and he immediately regretted it.

becca knew what was happening, the expressions flooding his face had faced her many times before. but the problem was, he shouldn’t be worrying about her, he had so many more important things to occupy his find— first and foremost, darby. 

the panic ensued across clark’s face, and becca couldn’t stand it anymore. her hand moved to grip the boy’s arm, her eyes catching his gaze as she forced a smile across weak lips. “ hey, clark— it’s okay. you don’t have to say anything, you don’t have to worry about me… just keep your mind on darby, okay ? she’s the one that needs you right now. even if you don’t know what to do… i’m sure that just being with her is help all enough. you have no idea what it means to know that you still have people, even if you’ve just lost someone. she might not want it now… but she will. she’s gonna need it. “

clark swallowed hard, trying to keep himself from saying anything else that would sound even more idiotic, but becca was one step ahead. she grasped his arm and smiled, but he could tell she didn’t really mean it. he shifted his feet, uncomfortable, but nodded. “thanks. i just... it’s just not like her, y’know?”

“yeah i guess that makes sense. people aren’t usually as nice to their drug dealers though so i guess you could say that. makes you sound like you’re gonna rob someone though.” he put up finger guns. “gimme your weed or the broad gets it,” he snickered. 

“well, i try to be nice to my drug dealers,” clark answered, not really following devon’s train of thought on this one. “that way you don’t wanna fuck me over, right?” clark was a fair bit bigger than devon, and he probably could’ve robbed his weed off him, but... why? it just hadn’t occurred to him.

a month ago, jesse probably would’ve pummeled this guy. hell, before prom he probably would’ve. but now he didn’t have the energy. he barely had the energy for his usual threats, his last one already soaking up what was left of it. he wasn’t used to this, the constant draining feeling. he spent any time away from hannah working his shifts and, if he could manage, hers too. “whatever man, i’m too fucking tired for this shit. i just need to feed my damn girlfriend.”

“oh, fuck, dude.” clark had completely forgotten that jesse was with hannah jordan. like, keiran’s sister hannah. he knew there was no retracting anything he’d said, but it didn’t weigh on him too much. but he did feel a little sympathetic that shit was so bad he had to feed hannah. “sorry. just, like... you seem kinda touchy.”

becca only knew the routine things to say, the ever-repeating one like grief quotes that you’re supposed to say, but beyond that ? she didn’t know. becca knew grief, she knew it long and well, but this… this kind of grief was different. it weighed on you, crushing you down into tiny pieces and whispering your numbers are dwindling, this town is getting smaller and smaller.

clark’s expression changed, and becca bowed her head. talking about it was supposed to help, but the memories kept pushing back and forth in her mind. she didn’t want to remember it— if she could, she’d down a bottle of jack right here, right now to drown it all out. but she couldn’t, so here she was. “ it’s… it’s okay, not everyone… not everyone knows. “

he wasn’t doing this right. any of it. he couldn’t help darby, and she would know how to make becca feel better. and he couldn’t help becca, and she would know how to make darby feel better. so what was he good for? he wasn’t used to feeling so useless.

he pushed air out slowly, trying to remember how to breathe. was there a sad way to breathe? he was just fucking up constantly. “i-” clark trailed off, completely lost. the silence was literally hurting him. say anything! “well, that’s really... really good that you could help. i mean, not everybody could, like, react fast enough and... stuff.”

“have i got any weed?” devon snorted, “of course i have weed dude, what kind of drug dealer would i be without the drug part?” clark was good people. he hung around with some people devon didn’t particularly like, but he was decent enough anyway. 

clark shrugged, letting devon’s tone roll right off his back. not much bothered the big guy, if he was honest. “i dunno, man. a shitty one.” he ran a hand through his curls. “it just felt kinda rude to just say, hey, gimme some weed, y’know?”

it was ridiculous, the way people were staring. he wasn’t sure why he was so fucking interesting. maybe because most people hadn’t even known he was here or maybe because he was the tallest person in this town. but either way it needed to stop. “yeah, i get it, you’ve never seen jesse the giant work before. it’s amazing, baffling, hard to look away. so let me give you some incentive: look somewhere else or your face is going to be tomorrow’s lunch.”

clark was back to his job after all the commotion of the past few days, because... well, everybody was doing it. things were mostly going on as normal. today he was hanging in the cafeteria ( even though the more he thought about it, the less he understood what bad thing could possibly happen in the heaven where food was made ). 

his eyes wandered as he tripped over his own thoughts trying to work it out and suddenly, jesse wilson had a real pissy look on his face. “bro, chill,” clark said, raising his hands palms-up. “i wasn’t even looking at you.”

becca couldn’t pretend to know how darby was feeling— every death meant something different to everyone else. some tore your heart strings, others ripped you in two, and some made you want to end it all. but no one could ever truly understand. 

she pitied clark, in the kindest way possible. he didn’t know what to do, and it’s hard being in that situation. it’s hard feeling helpless and confused and scared all at once. “ she’ll uh… it won’t pass, but she’ll toughen through it. “ she gave him what she hoped was a reassuring smile, before a sigh fell from her lips. “ no uh… i picked peyton and them up when he found them… drove them here. “ she barely managed the words out, but it was helping to say it aloud. at least she hoped.

clark hadn’t been this aware of his body since he was going through puberty. but he had to focus on something other than keiran’s body and everyone’s grief and the fact that he couldn’t do a single thing to help. he hadn’t known him, really, at all. but they were all in this batshit fucking bullshit together and they had to help each other out.

and clark couldn’t. but he nodded, hoping becca was right. “yeah, she is tough, at least,” he managed haltingly. his stance finally broke when becca explained what happened that night. “oh shit,” he murmured, one hand going to the back of his neck, the other falling to his side. “sorry, uh... i didn’t realize- i mean, that’s... really rough.”

he grimaced, knowing that wasn’t at all the right thing to say. this was why he felt so out of control. this was why he left it to other people to handle the serious shit.

their little town doesn’t feel safe any more. emily died in the woods–– a snake bite. now, the snake’s here, it’s one of them, and… it’s her fault.

guilt wraps ‘round her ribs and crushes. if she hadn’t been so selfish, if she hadn’t been so childish, to think gettin’ her parents back wouldn’t come without consequence… she doesn’t even want them now, not any more, not if it means losing the people she’s come to call home. darby thinks back to the last conversations she had with keiran, the last texts they shared.

always missin’ me.

he had no idea.

darby shudders and it’s like clark has a sixth sense: he’s there, pressin’ close, and god above and satan below, this universe cannot take him too. darby’s arms uncross and she turns to bury herself against clark’s chest, breathe him in.

if you take him too, i’ll kill you, she thinks, like it can possibly make a difference. if you’re so mad i asked, just take me instead.

she balls clarks shirt in her hands and screws her eyes shut as more tears run hot down her cheeks. she’s not the only one sufferin’; she’s got to stay strong. for clark. for cassandra. for keiran.

“ d-don’t you go disappearin’ on me, too, ”  she barely whispers, and holds tighter. she presses her cheek against his chest and listens to the steady budum-budum of his heart. “ okay ? ”

clark felt like he was walking into a big dark cave with nothing to protect him and no one to hold onto and that all the pressure to figure out how to bring light into the cave was on him, even though he had no supplies and no idea what he was doing. not even a fire-starting for dummies book.

there was nothing he could do to comfort his friends. nothing he could do to make any of this better, or right, or go away. nothing he could do to make anyone forget this ever happened. nothing he could do to help them get out of here.

he hated feeling useless. he liked winning. he liked being part of the guard, feeling a little in-control. but the way things were looking right now brought him back to being a little kid in class, not understanding how everyone else was understanding what was going on, and not understanding why he couldn’t understand.

he still felt like that sometimes. like everyone else was running marathons and he was on a treadmill, working just as hard but not going anywhere.

and when everyone else was all fucked up, and he couldn’t do anything about it. couldn’t express himself well enough to be the right kind of sad. couldn’t say anything without wondering if he was going to make it worse.

he couldn’t make it worse. he refused. instead, he just bent his head down to touch darby’s as she cried into his chest and held her tight. so tight he might never let go.

“i won’t,” he says into her hair. “promise, i won’t.”

devon had just arrived back at his place and hadn’t realized there was someone waiting for him until he happened to look up. he pulled a headphone out of his ear. “ya lost or do ya need something.”

   “okay so – i can’t remember a single thing from prom, not after arriving anyway. but from my camera roll, it looks like i had fun at least – i just want to apologise if i did anything to offend you, unless you deserved it of course and in that case haha.”    

clark rocked on his feet, feeling totally ambushed by this somewhat normal line of questioning from his ex-girlfriend. “uh, no, you’re good, vic,” he said, one hand on the back of his neck. he tried to be subtle as he looked for a way out of this. things between them had ended long ago, but he always felt awkward around her. and he wasn’t used to it. “i don’t think i saw you that much at prom. and i was, like, hammered too so...”

// * @wildguard

becca had found clark in the wave of new ham residents that crowded the corridor. she knew him through grizz, but they weren’t close. but she also knew about darby, how she had been close with keiran. she could tell the different levels of grief on their faces, she had measured her own and others at her father’s funeral. those who actually felt their heart tearing in two, and the others who felt sorrow for the dead. darby’s was breaking the scale. 

“ hey… uh, how are you holding up ? i should’ve… i should’ve stopped by sooner. “

clark was not ready to deal with all this. darby wasn’t ready, so clark wasn’t ready. he had no idea how to help her. he wasn’t good at this. he loved her more than anything and there was nothing he could do to make her feel better.

their little town doesn’t feel safe any more. emily died in the woods–– a snake bite. now, the snake’s here, it’s one of them, and… it’s her fault.

guilt wraps ‘round her ribs and crushes. if she hadn’t been so selfish, if she hadn’t been so childish, to think gettin’ her parents back wouldn’t come without consequence… she doesn’t even want them now, not any more, not if it means losing the people she’s come to call home. darby thinks back to the last conversations she had with keiran, the last texts they shared.

always missin’ me.

he had no idea.

darby shudders and it’s like clark has a sixth sense: he’s there, pressin’ close, and god above and satan below, this universe cannot take him too. darby’s arms uncross and she turns to bury herself against clark’s chest, breathe him in.

if you take him too, i’ll kill you, she thinks, like it can possibly make a difference. if you’re so mad i asked, just take me instead.

she balls clarks shirt in her hands and screws her eyes shut as more tears run hot down her cheeks. she’s not the only one sufferin’; she’s got to stay strong. for clark. for cassandra. for keiran.

“ d-don’t you go disappearin’ on me, too, ”  she barely whispers, and holds tighter. she presses her cheek against his chest and listens to the steady budum-budum of his heart. “ okay ? ”

clark couldn’t really come to terms with any of it. he liked being in the guard—people listened to him, paid attention. he felt sort of important. and it wasn’t that much work. he got to chill with his buddies and tell people what to do.

but was this going to be their job to fix? they had to catch somebody after a hit and run? they were supposed to make sure everybody felt safe when keiran was dead and cassandra was in a coma?

what if she didn’t wake up? were they still the guard without her to... y’know, guard? all of this was... batshit crazy. he never thought things would get this insane. sure, their families had all disappeared. sure, the world was upside-down. but murder?? or even accidental murder?

it was all too much.

and if it was too much for him—easy-going, no-problems clark—it was too much for everyone else. especially darby. he wasn’t the best at telling what was deep down inside people... but he always knew with darby. it just wasn’t often she showed it all like this.

his heart swelled up, wanting to reach out and wrap her in its warmth. “i’m not going anywhere, babe. i promise. i couldn’t leave you.”

in this hospital foyer, darby belle has never felt so small. she crosses her arms, nails digging into her elbows as she tries and tries and tries to understand.

there won’t be any slipknot. there won’t be any cuddles, or pretzel throws, or bike rides down quiet streets. there won’t be any more cheeky grins and hey, doll’s tossed her way. no more laughs so hard their ribs ache. for keiran, tomorrow isn’t coming no more.

darby sniffles. her nose is red and her cheeks are flushed from tears as she stands in the center of white linoleum tile, dressed in one of clark’s big sweatshirts and her own fluffy socks. after that call came through, she didn’t even bother stoppin’ for shoes.

she can’t bring herself to go into that room. see that bed. so as townsfolk filter in ‘n out ‘n all around, she’s just stood here, eyes stingin’, chest heavin’, starin’ at the floor.

first she lost elody mae. then emily. now her james dean.

“ stop, ”  she barely hisses, eyes screwin’ shut, willing her words up to the sky. into the floor. wherever the power’s that doin’ this calls home. she just wanted her parents back. 

“ i never said you could take them, too. ” 

the tears still slide free. her collar bones curve in ‘n air burns her throat. this is all her fault. he’s gone because of her.

passing footsteps grow closer and darby’s bottom lip trembles. she tries to stabilize her breathing, and lets out somethin’ between a whimper and a sob instead.

clark was passed out in his bed, arms around his girlfriend when all this shit went down. darby woke up first, pulled him out of bed with something said about keiran and cassandra and the hospital.

he didn’t really get it at the time.

now... even he was having trouble.

his mind was spinning feebly, wondering what they were doing together, wondering who hit them, wondering why. some of the answers came easy. some he knew he wouldn’t put together in a million years. who? anybody drinking. why? drinking.

he was sure it was an accident. of course, it was an accident. nobody would just run somebody down on purpose. and what for? they obviously had enemies, that was easy to see. but who would kill somebody just because they didn’t like them?

darby murmurs something next to him and he snaps out of his reverie. his arms slips around her shoulders and he hugs her close, nose in her hair. he knew anything he said right now would be stupid and unhelpful. so he said nothing.

just held her.

darby: i love yooooouuuuu infinity and threeee

darby: ur even more sweeterrr than a gr crml crnch on a mondayy morn

darby: shhhhhhh i alerday fell

darby: fr YOU

darby: 💓💓😌

clark: infintnty an fourrt HA

clark: baebe i msis gr crml crnch ! wheresd starbybcks gooo??

clark: AREG oyu OAKTY??: