âAnd would you⌠would you hate me if I tell you I donât know?â he asks, his voice very quiet. âI donât⌠I⌠things have been so⌠different for me, thatâŚâ A snorted, choked laugh. âI donât even know how I understand what it is when you feel things about people.â
Case in point: ââŚI did murder one parent and hate and⌠not sure⌠about either of them⌠and I⌠did love him, but I still killed him. What if - what if one dayâŚâ
I donât want to kill you. I donât. But whatâs to say I wouldnât be made to?Â
His hand lifts to his face, and he rubs it. âI⌠do. Want you to stay. But I am also⌠terrified. When you⌠when you see who I am, andââ I donât like the person you are looking at.
âIâŚâ It doesnât feel great. It doesnât feel good. But she doesnât hate him for it. âNo, I donât hate you.â She says, diplomatically because - in this moment, she doesnât. She hates whatâs happened to him. She hates that he canât tell - but she doesnât hate him.
Would she come to hate him though? Itâs hard to analyse her future feelings - not only because she doesnât know what the future holds and because every scenario needs to be aborted before she can wound him with her wonderings because what she wants and what she thinks she deserves are two very separate things. For now itâs enough, for now she can handle it but what if one day⌠She needs more? What happens then?
Well⌠She knows what happens then. Sheâs a master of delusion. Sheâll find any shred of affection and concoct a romance. Sheâs done it before⌠Sheâs done it with him⌠Maybe. Heâs too confused to know what he feels and she needs to be liked, needs to be loved so maybe sheâs just projecting onto him, seeing what she wants to seeâŚ
Maybe sheâs made all this up - the tenuous friendship, the fragile, fledgling of their romance.She is crazy after all.
The hands in his hair still briefly as he talks about killing her, perhaps someday⌠Sheâs surprised, frankly, that heâs not been told to already⌠Sheâs an entanglement, after all. She doesnât know what to say, so she says nothing and her hands return to their work.
But what do you say when someone tells you they might just kill you? Youâre supposed to say goodbye, get your things and leave but Harley⌠Sheâs said she wonât and she wonât. She wonât. She wonât. She hopes she wonât. She hopes she will. His uncertainty bleeds into her.
âI already know what- who you are Kylo. And being here, instead of there, does change things in the long run-â The Force back at his fingertips, the Supreme Leader back in his head⌠And the whole mess of everything dumped back onto his shoulders. âBut⌠I promised to try⌠And it would be - impolite of me not to try.â She echos his words back to him.
âI canât tell you that it will all be okay - that youâll never hurt me, that youâll never scare me, that Iâll never be angry at you⌠I donât want to set you up for disappointment with false promises⌠ButâŚâ She feels bone tired - she doesnât know how to help and that possibly is what she hates most of all. âI like the person Iâm looking at Kylo⌠And I would rather be with you, risk and danger, death and all - than anywhere else Iâve been.â