Ag

I told myself I would try to get the thoughts, that had been haunting me, see the light. But I can't do it, I called Melina a coward, but who am I to do that when I am the biggest coward here?

Forgive me, sister. All these years it was real to me, in my darkest moments I thought of the fireflies in Ohio, they were the light I needed. More than that, it was like the fireflies enlightened the memories of a man who would always ask me how was my day, of a woman that would kiss my injuries and a little girl that was always by my side. There wasn't a day were I didn't think of you. I will always be ashamed for not admiting this to you the moment I saw you, guess I am the biggest coward in this family.

When we took down the Red Room, when I finally helped take it down, for real this time. Yelena, I was so happy. I got my family back, I told my sister what I keep hidden for years, I finally admitted it was real to me, too. It gave me so much hope, I thought about helping the Avengers get back together and I couldn't wait to tell them everything about you. I hope someday you can meet, it will be chaotic, but a good chaotic, you know?

I really felt full of hope, I felt complete. But then I realized this isn't over, it is never over. It isn't fair, sister. I'm starting to believe nothing in this world is fair, not really.

I thought I took down the Red Room all thise years ago; God, I couldn't be more stupid. I claim that I am a spy, but I couldn't be more naive. It was right there all the time. And now, I thought it was over, but is it?

Dreykov told me that girls are the only abundant natural resource in the world. I know he is gone, but we both know that it would be stupid to beileve that his ideas died with him. He wasn't alone, there are always more. The Red Room is gone for now, how long will we be able to keep saying that? How long until another man starts doing the same thing? That question is a bold assumption, mayhmbe I should be asking: how long until we discover a man who is doing the same thing?

I realized that I will never be able to escape my past, but it hurts me to think that hundreds of girls feel the same thanks to me. I thought I was wiping the red of my ledger, but how can I do that when all those girls got red on their ledgers thanks to me? I think the red on their ledger, it is mine and I could never blame them for those kills, but I know they might blame themselves and that thoughts haunts me every single moment of my life. How am I supposed to keep going when I am the cause the Red Room operated for years? How am I supposed to keep going when I can't help the girls that might be suffering right now?

I spent years yearning for a family, for a family that made me feel like I was back in Ohio. I found in the Avengers and I hope that we will be back together soon. I feel bad for admitting this, but a part of me will be forever grateful for our little split up; thanks to that I found out that I got not one, but two families. Do I deserve them? Do I deserve a family even if uncountable little girls are being taken from their families?

I have been thinking a lot, but I can't understand what's the point. I just don't get it. I thought I would get out of the Red Room, I would help destroy it and try to do something better. But, now... I feel like no matter how hard I try, there will always be more men that see girls as an objects. There will always be more men and women that are willing to use child to their advantage, completely ignoring their humanity. Why did I get a chance to be free when they didn't? When there are thousands of kids still suffering, why am I free?

I thought I was free to help others avoid what I have been through, but no matter how hard I try it there are always more.

What's the point, Yelena? No matter what, there are always more. Why should I keep fighting when there are always going to be more? Lately, that question has been living in my mind, free rent. That doesn't mean I will stop fighting for those kids who don't have anyone, or at least I'll try. And I feel overwhelmed with joy when I help someone, but it is short-lived; because I can't forget all those girls that still need help, or all those girls I couldn't help. Girls who lost their lives waiting for help, I try to honour them, but I don't know if I can manage that when their blood will always be on my ledger. But I can say, without the shadow of a doubt, that every time I fight I hope I am honoring their memory.

I think I have said enough, haven't I? I think this is enough for a lifetime.

As I said before, I don't think you will ever receive this letter, but even knowing that there wasn't anybody else I wanted to share this with.

I can't wait to hear you whistling again. I even want you to tease me...

Always your poser,