wiccamoody

when i did this challenge in november, my mental health was in the toilet so that was my biggest barrier and while i was mostly okay this month (yay summer serotonin), it was weird. while i was productive in the sense that i did it, it doesn't feel as productive and i think it's because i didn't write a single word for one project and i didn't actually fully complete a project either. that, and the 85 breakdowns i had over DR only to circle back to executing it in the way i initially wanted to like 3 years ago. so i think maybe i felt like i "wasted" words and time with that, too.

but! okay, i do this not just to get in a habit but also improve and learn. and my big takeaway is that i just need to stop thinking about the nebulous "audience".

i wrote so much of convergence and am having a blast with it predominantly because while i'm going to post it, i have no expectations that a single person will read it, and while i'd love for attention on it - as i love for all my stuff lol - i'm doing it for me first. i'm not ever going to tout the whole "who cares if you get hits or not, you should be writing for you first!1!" junk because i think it's bullshit for reasons i know i don't need to outline, and i'm trying to break down my own barriers to expressing my feelings about actually wanting my writing to get attention because there's nothing inherently wrong with that, like why the hell would i tell a story and share it if i didn't care at all about it getting attention? i always care. there's always a part of me that wants my stuff to be popular, i don't give a shit how cringe that sounds anymore.

anyway. DR had me worrying too much about how it would be perceived and i ended up shooting myself in the foot by not just trying to shove two - similar but should be executed separately - ideas together because i was partly thinking "oh this would be cool" and "oh people would think this is cool". why!! i have so many examples of some of my best work coming from me caring so much less about perception. and i know it's because DR is...different in format, and in this fandom idk last time i did that people absolutely didn't read it and also i got a bunch of bullshit in my inbox. but i need to get over myself, really.