purple gay

I dont even fit in fandoms or groups for ppl with same interests as me. I felt so alienated at that tmbg concert seeing the fans just as passionate as I am but it felt like somehow they were doing it better in a way I would never achieve. I regret starting the trigun wiki it was too big a task for me to take on and I failed to really form a team and keep the project going and it fizzled out and I've been too burnt out to even accept the few new offers of help I recieved but also bc I've become intimidated about talking abt the series at all with anyone. I try to refrain talking too much irl abt interests since they're all so irrelevant that ppl generally don't know abt them and why bother trying to share them I will just annoy them out of even wanting to check things out the way I talk about things. I have to enjoy things alone since somehow I must be doing something wrong

I dont belong anywhere and I never will !!!! there's this invisible wall that always keeps me out !!! it's never going away i thought I'd gotten past it but that was me being stupid it was still there the whole time. what's the use trying any more i just need to give in to being the isolated loser weirdo

I wish i could change my sleep schedule and stay up late but my autism says no so I am never going to get to participate in every single social event that is actually relevant to my interests but not like i would actually enjoy it bc crowds and noise and alcohol involvement and shit idk i was not meant to belong or fit in any where i hate my autism its not even useful like the math computer science smart kind I'm just weird and boring and can't even stay up late