wild and fluorescent

I wish we talked more about how isolating the university experience can be - it’s holding back tears when you realize that home isn’t even home anymore, it’s only going to be a place you come to visit during breaks; it’s moving to a new city and feeling like you’re the only one who can’t seem to figure out where the nearest train station is; it’s passing by a group of friends who are laughing so hard, that they can barely string words together, wishing you could remember what that feels like; it’s seeing a cute dog across the street and feeling your heart break, as you’re forced to remember that your pets don’t understand why you aren’t around as often anymore; it’s watching instagram stories of friends from back home, and wondering if you’re going to have to start getting used to feeling like an outsider looking in; it’s falling sick and wishing you could be next to your mum for at least a second, just to remember what pure love feels like; it’s ordering your favorite food at a restaurant and being unreasonably upset that it doesn’t taste like it did back home; it’s being excited to go to the theaters to watch the knew avengers movie, but realizing that you don’t have anyone to go with; it’s the feeling of anxiety before each meal, because you worry if you’ll have to eat alone, again, in a crowded room; it’s the feeling of loneliness when you realize that no one notices if you don’t leave your dorm room for days; it’s looking back at old pictures and refusing to believe that you were so happy just a few months ago; it’s the feeling of emptiness when you want to get something off your chest, but you realize that there’s no one around to confide in; it’s talking to your mum on the phone before bed and assuring her that everything is amazing, while tears silently soak your face; it’s trying so hard to talk to the stranger on the bus, just because she dresses like your best friend used to; it’s seeing a dad in a grocery store trying to get his two kids to stop fighting, and smiling to yourself, while you remember the screaming matches with your brother, arguing about who was taller; it’s listening to taylor swift and realizing you’re on your own kid, you always have been.

i spend my days waiting. waiting for the water to boil and my tea to be ready. for spring to come back. for more daylight. the oil in the pan to heat up. a “hey i miss you” or “can you help me out for a second?” or “you want to hang out?” text. for my phone to finish charging. for good news. flowers on the table. the next hug. “hey, you got the job!”. waiting for the sun. to set. to rise. to see both. for summer to be around the corner. a good song. a falling star. a text back. i spend my time waiting to be remembered. i spend my time repeating that tomorrow will be better. tomorrow will be better. i spend my days waiting and waiting and waiting. i spend my days waiting unbearably.

the show (going out to get groceries. making myself a nice dinner. showering and opening the windows. being kind to myself in everything i do) Must go on

love passes thru me at all times like an electric current

what they don't tell you about your 20s is that you'll want to leave but you don't because you're scared of the unknown

everything is so so significant to me how am i supposed to live

chloe, ily

Cooking with your friends is a balm for the soul it doesn't matter how simple the dish tastes it's delicious because you chopped garlic while your friend was chopping peppers in her kitchen and you talked and laughed and all was well

ok well im going to build a good future for myself whether i like it or not