delusional dreams

For a while there, all he remembered was the pain in his head. He knew that he had had worse symptoms now, but the bad always feels like the worst when it’s happening, and he knew that Belle was exhausted with all the shaking. He only remembered bits and pieces of the last few days, but he knew that he had tried to kiss her a couple times before other issues were presented, knew that he was slowly beginning to ruin things the way only he could. If Belle (or Alice, but he didn’t let himself think about her) even knew these thoughts were there, she would probably talk about how they’re unhealthy. 

Which is why, while John slept, she decided to do what she did. She packed up her car, made sure to buy him some clothes, packed sandwiches and prepared for the next day. She had done little to explain herself or her plans when she roused him from his sleep, and was even less forthcoming on the drive up the coast. Upon pulling into the driveway of the lake side cabin though, Belle hoped that it would be come apparent. “Come on, bun!” she urged as she all but bounded up the steps of the cabin that she a friend had so graciously lent her. Her smile was bright as she pushed the door open, pleased to see that the cabin was already filled with the natural sunlight was pouring into the space.“Welcome to our home away from home – at least for the next couple of weeks or so,“ she said cheerfully, twirling around to see how her friend would react.

Squinting up at the first house he saw in miles, he followed her out of the car and grabbed the thousands of bags she seemed to have forgotten, tripping over himself as he tried to catch up with her. “Belle.. you didn’t have to... this place is insane.” he said, dropping his bags and scratching his head before turning to the large lake. “You didn’t have to take time out of your life for this.” he said, already itching for his next high and knowing that it was high time that there were no more of those in his future. For good. “I know what you’re trying to do.” he said, wagging his finger in her direction as he put on his sweater, mumbling a thank you under his breath.

She had hoped that he would make good on his promise to stay clean and come back and see her, although everyone said it was in her nature to be a worrywart. She mothered everyone regardless of who they were or whether or not they wanted it, and this was no different. There was no denying that Belle was a little more worried than usual just because it was John. Although he did his best to act as if he were fine, she knew when he was high and when he wasn’t by this point; Wonderland had helped her become a little less naive that way. Sadly, that night that he had wandered into her bakery, Belle knew that he was on a high.

It was unfortunate that her hopes for her friend to get better were quickly dashed. Frantic sounds outside her apartment door were enough to wake her, and she rushed groggily from her bed only to find John in a state. “Bun – what in the world –,” she was quick to gather him in her arms, but the sheen of sweat on his forehead and the words that tumbled from his mouth was a clear sign to her that he wasn’t well. Again. It wasn’t as if she were angry though. If anything, she was heart broken.

“Shhh, oh Bun, there isn’t anythin’ you need to be apologizin’ for,” she started softly as she tried to coax him back towards her apartment. Her neighbours would be wondering what was happening and Belle didn’t want to disturb them or give them any reason to call the cops.

Honestly, John just wanted to curl up in a hole and be done with it all just then. He knew he was a mess, but just then all he wanted to do was break down, ,and he had no control over it, beaus he was. He felt like the world was pressing down on his chest and pushing him into a ditch. “God, you should hate me. I shouldn’t even be here. It should have been me... it should have been me.”

Truthfully, he didn’t know how many times he had say that, knew that he was babbling. Half his words were squished together and he had no clue what was going on. He couldn’t help but shut his eyes tight, leaning on her almost fully before he felt himself be dropped down on the couch. 

“I missed us... I never meant to leave, I just couldn’t do that anymore.... I tracked down the guy, you know? I tracked him down and I killed him. He was wearing the damn watch.. look, he was wearing it. Scratched it and everything.” he said, chest heaving and eyes watery. He was a grown ass man, but the memories of it and what he had done after drove him crazy. 

“Gonna have to knock that right out of you, then. Can’t have  you giving me free muffins every time I come around.” he poked, knowing that no matter what he did, Belle would never stop trying to mother hen the entire damn world. He had no clue how a girl like her had gotten into Wonderland in the first place, but then again, he had never asked. Which he regrets, now, but he doesn’t need any more regrets than the ones he already has, they’re already too heavy for him.

He wasn’t really up to telling her he was kicked out of his place for going on a bender again and missing his rent for the fifth time that year,he didn’t want that smile that lit up her face to disappear on his account, like it always did on Alice’s and even Baby’s, back when they both worried over him and tried desperately to get him clean. “I’ll be sure to take one next time I see you.” he didn’t add if- she didn’t need to know that there was that possibility that he might disappear again, he didn’t know if he was going to, he didn’t need to hurt her with it. He could already tell from that smile that she was getting used to hi again, that was a smile he had seen a lot.

“Yeah.. you’ve got yourself a pretty little place Belle, I’m happy for you.” he smiled, nodding as he stuffed his hands in his pockets, the smile slowly fading as he felt the half empty packet in his pocket. He didn’t think she knew that he was high, but it made him feel bad anyways. “Oh, you know, here and there. Old Daniel didn’t really let me go easy, it was like he thought I was running away from home all ov-” he cut himself off, the seemingly harmless sentence reminding him of the actual family he did run away from. He had gone back, a month ago, and while his sister didn’t recognize him, she did look at him funny and call out to him the second he took off, the second the memories dawned on her. Clearing his throat, he made sure the smile was still plastered on his face. “Nah, I’ve been good, same as always, you know me, always good.” he said as he sat down, truthfully exhausted from not having rested the whole day, dealing drugs and taking them taking its toll on him.

“It’s gonna be one hell of a fight, Bun,” Belle warned. “You can’t find a girl on the way she was born and raised.” Besides which, she very much doubted she would be who she was today if it hadn’t been for her family and south. She huffed teasingly though. “And if you don’t want ‘em, I’m sure I could find plenty of other folks who would be happy to take free muffins offa my hands.”

If he had asked now, she wouldn’t have minded. Very few people here in New York were privy to the information even though Wonderland was notorious and still peppered the news reels here alongside New York’s own crime. It was still something she kept close to her chest, but she trusted John. It also helped that she knew that he had come from there too. On the same vein, she likely would have cautiously probed for his backstory. She knew it probably wasn’t pretty, and she wouldn’t press if he wasn’t willing, but it still didn’t make her any less curious.

New York was a dangerous city, and even though he was used to the danger, had even killed men with his own hands back when Daniel hadn’t trusted him to be a drug dealer anymore, he still didn’t feel safe sleeping on the steps.

It didn’t help that he had begun to see things again. His sisters shocked, almost terrified face as he ran away, the gun shot that changed his life, Alice’s voice when he called her last, Baby begging him to go clean. He was sure he looked crazy, running around on the streets like this, and he honestly had no clue how he got to her place, had only seen it briefly when he walked her home last night. But he was at her door, head leaning on the hard wood of the only thing that seemed solid, before he slipped down to lean against the wall.

He couldn’t breath. He was having a bad trip. The cop lights and the crime and the memories did that to him, sometimes. He had gotten into a fight, he thought, or maybe he fell. Either way, his knuckles were throbbing and he was too preoccupied to worry about it, and he was guessing she heard him because the door opened, and he rushed to his feet so quickly that he almost toppled over, actually did, a string of ‘I’m sorry’s’ that came out as sobs slipping out of his mouth when he saw her.

Truthfully, she looked like every woman he had ever destroyed in one way or another. And he couldn’t differentiate them apart. “Fuck.. baby, I didn’t mean to. I just couldn’t be out there anymore and... I’m sorry, I know I left and... oh god, look at those pajamas, you were asleep! I just.. I wanted to say sorry, you know? I’ve  been having a bad couple of years...”

He didn’t mind the contact, even though she dropped his hand rather quickly. John had always been comforted by others touch, and hers especially brought back a wave of memories that weren’t actually that bad. Soon enough his smile was no longer as forced as it had seemed, forcing himself to calm down after he realized there was no one chasing him, now.

“Only if this isn’t just your southern hospitality kicking in.” he joked, keeping up a happy atmosphere as he tried not to bring up anything from their old lives, not very much wanting to think about what his stay in wonderland had led him to do, or the reasons either of them had left. He knew he was caging her in with the hug, and he even laughed when she wiggled her way out  to hug him back, this one really, even somewhat loud. It was great, his laugh combined with her own after him having not talked to anyone for a couple months now. It wasn’t until the smell of her prfume and shampoo and even something else hit him that he realized he had been running through the city all day. “Oh shit, this I can apologize for. I probably smell like shit.” he said as he pulled away, hands rubbing her arms for a second before he dropped them to his sides. “So.. how’ve you been?”

A laugh trilled from her mouth, head falling back as she did. “Oh, darlin’ please. I live and breathe southern hospitality.” After all, you could take the girl out of the south, but you couldn’t take the south out of the girl. “I think the day that I stopped, we’d have pigs and fish flyin’!”

She relished in the hug, regardless of the smell. Sure, he could have used a bit of a bath, but Belle knew that he still smelled very much like the John she knew underneath it all.  She wouldn’t have minded not speaking about their past. Wonderland had definitely been on ride down the rabbit hole she could do without experiencing again, but in an odd way Belle found herself grateful to the experiences that helped her grow. Still. She never would go back despite Rebecca’s kind offer to take her back in a heartbeat. The head of the Heart family had been surprisingly willing to let her go (although that wasn’t to say she hadn’t tried her best to convince Belle to stay). Belle knew that this was probably largely in part to her position – for girls to leave was notoriously difficult, especially when they were the commodities that the club was selling. Belle shook her head before giving John one final squeeze and letting go. “Nothin’ a shower couldn’t fix,” she said jokingly.

He wasn’t really up to telling her he was kicked out of his place for going on a bender again and missing his rent for the fifth time that year,he didn’t want that smile that lit up her face to disappear on his account, like it always did on Alice’s and even Baby’s, back when they both worried over him and tried desperately to get him clean. “I’ll be sure to take one next time I see you.” he didn’t add if- she didn’t need to know that there was that possibility that he might disappear again, he didn’t know if he was going to, he didn’t need to hurt her with it. He could already tell from that smile that she was getting used to hi again, that was a smile he had seen a lot. 

Bun. God, that accent combined with that word brought back a flood of memories, and he smiled no matter how much those memories hurt to think of. He had been trying not to think of it all since he had left his long time home two months ago. He was high, not that it mattered, the only look on him she was used to was the look he had on - bloodshot eyes, sweaty palms, the whole show. Exactly what everyone expected of him, something that he had been taking advantage of.

“I- Yeah. I’m sorry.. I can see that you’re busy and closing… obviously. I should have read the fucking sign.” he sighed, running his hand through his hair, the nervous tick he had established years ago, other hand patting down his front pocket carefully to make sure his packet was stioll there. She looked so shocked, so.. disappointed. But that might just be him, might just be his mind fucking him over once again. Either way, he knew that she had a reason to leave just like he did, and he personally didn’t want to run into anyone he worked with. But she was always more compassionate than he was. Anyways, he realized he had b en messing with his hair for too long. “I’ll just go somewhere else, sorry again… nice to see you.”

Belle could feel her heart ache when she saw him and realized that she was right, that it wasn’t a trick of the exhaustion or tiredness. John had been one of the people she had always felt bad about never keeping in touch with. His disposition wasn’t one that matched that of Wonderland’s (but then again, neither was hers) – but she could tell she only scratched the surface of his happy facade.

She had built herself a new home, a new life away from all of the hurt and heartbreak she had experienced in Chicago. Of course she missed the people, she always would, but Belle knew she would never go back. Her heart was happier than it had been in months, even when she was working late, prepping things for the next morning. When the bell above the door chimed, she turned around, hair in a messy bun, the beginnings of dark circles beginning to show expecting to see a sleepy (or maybe wide awake) customer and ready to tell them that she was sorry, but they’d be open in a couple of hours – when she realized who it was.