white nonsense

No, I haven't had some kind of stroke or anything. I'm just reciting some white guy's name who was arrested for marijuana & drug paraphenalia possession.

Worried that you're neglecting your dog all day while you're at work? Does he/she suffer from abandonment and resent you while you're out earning a salary? Well, fill out an application, ace the interview, cough up the cash and send your pup to day camp. Admission not guaranteed, as illustrated above.

Apparently it can never be too early to dress your child in a revealing swimsuit.

Feel free to make this the next step after you've had a gender cake party and your baby is over yoga.

"In a newly published study, three University of Oklahoma researchers report there is a higher rate of accidental deaths among whites (but not nonwhites) in the American South and West — regions where a 'culture of honor' makes backing down from a challenge problematic for many males. Writing in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, they conclude men living in these regions 'might be more prone to engage in risky behaviors that sometimes lead to death,' because this willingness 'signifies that one possesses the "manly" attributes of strength and courage.'"

Charles Darwin's Natural Selection at work, ladies and gentlemen.

White prepubescent, teenage and adult women love the Twilight series. It features chaste, hormonal, brooding, sometimes shirtless vampires and werewolves not having sex in the Pacific Northwest. White females love this shit. They wait in long lines to buy the books and see the movies. They get tattoos immortalizing Stephanie Meyer's series on their bodies, which is, you know, pretty permanent. They name their offspring after fictitious characters in the series (also fairly permanent). Hordes of Twilight fans mob the male star whenever he appears in public. They also send hate mail to the female lead actress, Kristen Stewart, because she had the audacity to date someone who isn't Robert Pattinson offscreen.

This tumblr will most likely never go viral and I'll never have to do any interviews with the "lamestream media" about why I started this thing and I'm totally OK with that. I started this because I thought it would be kind of funny. Also, I've got some free time on my hands and I need a hobby or two.

But today, for a few seconds only, Mrs. Gwyneth Paltrow Martin reblogged the cover image from this post and I died a little inside. My poor brain couldn't handle the text that said, "source: whitenonsense" under the cover image. Otherwise, I would have totally taken a screenshot of it.

"My Super Sweet 16" is a reality show on MTV where the hellspawn of rich people are thrown lavish, outrageous parties in celebration of their 16th birthday.

These kids are assholes who throw tantrums in front of television cameras. They are usually ungrateful and horrible to the parents who are funding their expensive party.

I am not exaggerating. Watch this lovely scene unfold:

That's right. Audrey is upset because her mother had the audacity to give her a brand new Lexus before her birthday party where none of her friends could see the extravagant gift and be jealous of her for it.

People throw parties to celebrate life changing events such as births, marriage, revealing the genders of their unborn children, so I really shouldn't be surprised that rich white folk are celebrating their divorce with a fucking party.

I mean, musician Jack White and model Karen Elson even did it!

Fly fishermen are now having a difficult time purchasing fly ties to catch fish because people are buying them to put in their hair.

Why is this happening? Let's see what The New York Times has to say regarding this so-called trend:

As 1970s fashions like flared jeans and wedge sandals return (again) this spring, many hip chicks are wearing feathers — not flowers — in their hair. Feather extensions, which are rooster tails attached with metal clips, first appeared in mid-January and have been seen on Miley Cyrus, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Selena Gomez, Ke$ha, Hilary Duff and the “Glee” actress Jenna Ushkowitz.

My Father's Daughter is a cookbook written by actress/newsletter writer, Gwyneth Paltrow.

The title starts off the nonsense by being a verbose way of saying "me."  The cookbook's tag line advertises delicious, easy recipes for celebrating family and togetherness. Raphael Brion of Eater.com was nice enough to compile some of the absurdity written by the wife of that whiny Coldplay dude in this post, including:

"When I was twenty-one, a friend gave me a book called Diet for a New America by John Robbins, which exposed the brutal practices of American factory farms. That, coupled with a lecture from Leonardo DiCaprio (when he was nineteen and I was twenty-one) about how such animals are kept and processed, made me lose my desire for factory farm pork and beef right there."

"I basically love anything that comes in a hot dog bun... except hot dogs (sorry, Dad)."

"One year I was given a birthday present I'll never forget — a cooking lesson from Jamie Oliver."

"I had my first bowl of gazpacho when I was fifteen in Spain, and the impression it made was a lasting one."

Can't you guys just feel the togetherness and easy recipes within those ridiculous quotes?

There's nothing wrong with spending time in the sun for a few hours and having your skin become darker as a result. However, some white people actually pay money to sit in a tanning bed and acquire a tan artificially. Sometimes they choose to have a tan spray painted on their bodies. Both of these things are done because they think fake tans make them look better.

Renaissance Fairs are gatherings of white people engaged in activities and dressed in attire from the Elizabethan era...for fun.

is an annual event with white, mostly male, music nerds as its core demographic. The day celebrates independent music stores and offers special releases on this one specific day, which is not a bad thing.

However, it can be full of nonsense. From people physically fighting each other over a limited LP to asshole resellers buying coveted records and jacking up the price when they list them on eBay.

In order to rid themselves natural signs of aging, some white people prefer to inject Botulinum toxin, a.k.a. botox, commonly known as botulism, where they have wrinkles. Paralyzing facial muscles in the name of beauty, y'all!

There are white people in this country who adamantly believe that the 44th president of the United States, who happens to be black, was not born in this country although he was born in Hawaii, which became the 50th state on August 21, 1959. These people are usually referred to as "birthers," who demand to see a copy of the President's birth certificate although this ridiculous demand has been met multiple times already. They're usually members of the Tea Party.

Tea Partiers tend to have useless rallies with unfortunate signs which are often misspelled. They also see nothing wrong with forwarding racist e-mails about the president, especially when they are elected officials. They strongly believe that Barack Obama was actually born in Kenya, not Hawaii, thus making him ineligible to be President of the United States.

In an effort to shut these people & Donald Trump up, the White House posted the long form birth certificate on their blog on April 26, 2011. This was done so that the Birthers can focus their attention on more important issues.

Apparently baby showers aren't enough for white people these days. They are throwing gender cake parties now. A short summary of what this practice is: a white pregnant lady gives her ultrasound technician an envelope to mail to her baker. In the envelope, will be the ultrasound which contains the gender of her unborn child. The baker will then make a cake based on the baby's gender and deliver it to the knocked up white lady. This is how the gender is revealed. She doesn't find out if she's having a boy or a girl directly from the ultrasound. A goddamn cake tells the mother-to-be what her child's gender is.

An enlightening post written by Lizzie Skumick outlining this white nonsense can be found at The Awl.

Dear white people,

Your offspring do not need to practice Yoga.

Just take them to a playground and let them be a normal fucking kid.