basqa

For the last ten years I've just been trying to escape from myself and from the version of me that I am now and from the one I could have been, but didn't.  Every time I think that it would be better just to not exist or to disappear.

I still have problems with social connections and my boundaries. Sometimes I might be an unsocial asshole, and when unsocial beast bites me I change my decision to go out and stayed at home instead. At that time i think it better decision to stay home with my anxiety but in the long-term perspective my decisions bites my ass again because I can't tell my friend something like "oh you know today my hands shake so much because of thinking to go out so that's why i choose to stay at home and study" and i say "yesterday i get drunk with six shots of tequila sorry today i can't join you". I do that shit again at 29 of May in my friend's birthday. Adesso, in this time I I don't feel anything about birthday parties, and i didn't think she's get so offended. But she's younger than me and of course she get offended so much. In my defence, she invite me to fancy restaurant near fontan di Trevi or Panteon and that place so expensive. I literally can not buy gift and pay for my order because i have no work, my scholarship like a drop in the sea. I mean i literally spent my month's "wage" to bills, rent & transport card. I have no money for a bottle of milk.

в 2023 я рискую стать виннером в разделе "очень плохие жизненные выборы" и я не шучу