War. War never changes.

Hes my best friend. hes been with me since childhood. he held me when I stayed up all night watching cartoons. He showed me the light and the darkness. we jumped on the trampoline in the backyard, we swung on the swing in the front yard. We went to school together. we failed in each class together. he showed me how to stop eating. he helped me hide myself to feel better. Hes all i know. Hes always with me. hes helping me write this. Hes my depression. he loves me and i love him. 

What I am about to write is going to be filled with quite a lot of venting and will most likely, for certain, go on as a ramble.  But I fear that if I do not get this out then I will never be able to recover from this. 2 months ago I got sick. It was nothing too serious, just a bad case of the stomach flu and then a common cold after that. But once it was all done I have not been feeling the same. It took a lot of energy out of me that I had hoped to give my new year a fierce push with, but because of that, I feel as though I lost it all. I believe that it mentally sickened me as well. And despite my proactive efforts of taking medication every morning, eating as healthy as I am able and socializing as much as I can; nothing has worked. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning again, I've been having a glass of wine each night this week and even a glass of whiskey after. I am not showering as often as I used to, which was every day, but I am relieved that I am still washing my face and keeping my clothes clean. My room is a mess, the bed's sheets need washing, I should dust and clean all of this filth out. I am hoping that one day the energy will manifest back inside me and I can proceed to live my life with passion. 

You can be sad without the shame of it. You can cry your eyes out with a smile without the craziness others will say you are. You can do it all in your own comfort of your own home. Its okay to stay inside. 

Nanowrimo is very soon and I am so unsure of what I want to write. It has always been a dream of mine to write for Nanowrimo but I was never able to sit down and focus on it. Im thinking of looking up some prompts and others works to inspire me. Hopefully ill have something soon. 

Learning to survive as kid among other kids who are given resources to live day by day will strip you of humanity and gift you reality.  Imagine growing up where at age 4 you were on your own, forced to provide for yourself even though you had no way to gain what you needed everyday to live. Woke up at 5am everyday just to mooch off people who pitied you, stole from the ignorant and trusted no one. You had to fed, dress, wash and teach yourself alone. Learning to survive as a kid alone is traumatic.