Venus in Furs

Aries: Escape is only something you have to do if you dont control the prison.

Taurus: Your kind, patient nature makes you ideal for pacifying annoying people who talk about stupid shit all day.

Gemini: You are being watched by the discarded mattress hiding in your home.

Cancer: When the stars said to say “yes” to more things, they didnt mean stuff like “are you a horse surgeon” and “can you perform horse surgery”.

Leo: Only hijinks are permitted today, no tomfoolery or chicanery. Especially no shennanigans, only hijinks.

Virgo: Earn the trust of the prehistorical frog people by daubing mud upon your chin like cologne.

Libra: Be sure to maintain proper boundaries! Uranium will literally melt your skin off!

Scorpio: If someone sets you on fire today just tell them to knock it off bozo. The power of positive thinking will serve you well.

Ophiuchus: Where one man might say “severe vomiting”, a wise man would say “new projectile attack”.

Sagittarius: You may not have the right to complain but you sure have the right to try! Despite what you may have been told, there is no complaining court.

Capricorn: Razor pennies.

Aquarius: Spend a self care afternoon in a pottery store with a nice self care bat.