nirvana daydreams

and maybe then i can sleep

idk if it’ll work. from my experience, nothing is good anymore, nothing helps.

but whatever. i’m tired all the time. i want to sleep. i sleep in to like 1pm sometimes since my job isnt until 2. i want to sleep and sleep and sleep.

so here i am again. on tumblr, on an old account i don’t really use anymore, though that might change here i guess...i’ve been just sitting around on Pinterest because it’s all the glory of cool pictures without Tumblr’s holier than thou attitude.

but maybe it’s just a symptom of me not being social.

i keep trying to be social. can’t. doesn’t work, you know. sorry to everyone that did try to talk to me. i can’t

i want to. can’t. i can hang around in real life for a while. do my job. i work with kids after school. get paid barely above minimum but i have weekends and holidays off. could be worse. i watch kids on my own. no one’s ordering me around. thing is i don’t like being in charge and i didn’t apply for that, but i got placed in that role because we’re short-staffed and because my boss said i qualified. so i tried it. why not. it’s okay mostly. my older sister’s so incredibly kind to let me stay in her home. she’s really cool. only one of my family that’s not mentally screwed up i think

got my hair trimmed today. thought i looked okay. not great though. but not bad. i guess.

made a bunch of french fries today...i like french fries. i go seeking comfort food. but i’m still losing weight. i’m under 100 pounds which is normal for me, but i think i’ve started to lose a bit more recently...whatever. little sister and i made plans to go out next week. gonna take her to wing stop because she wants to go and for some reason our parents don’t want to take her, lol...we’re gonna go shopping and stuff.

i guess that’s cool.

but i’m a dumbass.

holy shit am i a dumbass

unrequited love with one girl for six years, going on seven...trying to convince myself i can get over her, that i’m okay with being friends. some days that’s fine. other days are like now. i’m up at 3am because i can’t sleep, my mind’s buzzing, i’m tired and i’ve looked at other equally miserable posts from depressed people on reddit’s depression forums...looking for people who understand, though i never post anything myself...

that’d be fine

it’d all be fine

but i’ve been trying to get a relationship, to date someone, to hold someone, to be able to write “i love you” and get it back, anything, for the last eight years, and guess what? no luck. i’m 24 years old and i’ve never held hands, much less dated someone, much less received a kiss. i want this more than anything in the world. i’m not looking for a forever soulmate or anything, not right away...i just want this most basic of human touches. i’m starved for contact. i’ve tried dating apps and talking to people and just...GAH. no luck. at all. 3 confessions to people i’ve been interested in over the years and always, no interest, just sympathetic murmurs of “oh, anyone’d be lucky to have you.” and the one time like five years ago i ever got a confession from someone else, i was so screwed up from my depression and low self-esteem that i told her i wasn’t ready, and understandably nowadays she’s long since moved on, though we still talk sometimes.

if i could turn back time.mp3

my life is a joke.

i don’t understand why my love is unrequited. how is it that we would talk every day, same interests, same sense of humor, long into the morning, similar like...romantic and sexual interests even...we’ve made jokes about it...

and she doesnt see me like that at all. no one even like, dates me to try? people just know instinctively that im not what they want and they turn me down gently.

bullshit...

and now i’ve REALLY fucked up

royally so!

i made a suicide attempt last year and now it’s heavily back on my mind. wishing i hadn’t been a coward. wondering how or when i’ll do it if i try again

i made the mistake of telling my unrequited love such feelings lately

guess what happened.

guess.

she freaks out and now i’ve stressed her out and she hasn’t talked to me for the last few days. says talking is hard now knowing what i plan to do. so i guess her solution is just not to talk to me now. okay. i don’t blame her. won’t message her. she can distance herself. i don’t blame her. who’d want to talk to me. LOL. wow. i’m so fucking stupid. i’m stupid. 

holy SHIT

WOW

NICE GOING YOU FUCKING IDIOT

now i don’t even have her to talk to.

now i just want to end it sooner

i should’ve just cut her out of my life back in february last year when we had our argument over her being a colossal jerkass about something...because then she wouldn’t have to deal with me. she could’ve just moved on from me and i could’ve died in that lake i walked into. she’d probably be a lot happier.

i’m tired and empty. this life is pointless. other stuff too. life is a grind. it’s worn me down. depressed since i was 13. bullied and lonely and sad. what’s the point

there isn’t any

listening to lo-fi stuff because it helps me sleep at night

still a joke. that’s funny. 

isn’t it funny?