.

I once thought there’d be nothing to get over That I’d easily slip into someone else’s soul In and out. Toe-dipping. A needle threading through fine silk But memory has teeth too Barb-wire clinging in a bloody embrace, Gripping my hair, catching on my dress And swearing that it will tear me apart before it lets me go

It’s only fair. I too pierce into things before I love them I am a trespasser but I too am invaded Captive of the things I retain Those glimpses I stole from you, they circle hawkishly Intrusive thoughts, blinding as mirador’s lights I thought there’d be nothing to get over I thought it’d be a painless desertion But I cannot change myself As long as I remember, as long as I grieve, This love holds on to me and I cannot change myself

Since I have never quite escaped Any heart I have entered and sojourned in I see my trajectory clear and bright, a string of pearls Moon beads scattered behind me, a comet tail Shards of glass that left me hurt but unblinking. Remorseless If I can’t change, I can’t regret either I can’t wish I’d never met any of those celestial bodies I can’t help but welcome the burning collision and be thankful for it Despite the damage I have caused, the loss I have suffered

See, I’m always too close to one sun or another Always falling. Downwards or upwards Without center nor gravity The erratic course of a fly set ablaze Knocking itself against every lightbulb Yes, there is fire, of course, and a sharp edge to it There is a wound, blooming in me like a dark flower Ink seeping into porous paper, obscuring an unspeakable story After so long, I still have no words for it. All I know is it’s left all my stars deep scarlet A stained night sky in which I can only read your name For, of all the souls I have cursed, craved, and crumbled By wanting to hold so tight Yours is the one that stuck the most The one that bit back the hardest

I love you.

I know, I know. Cliche.

And it's not time for you to know, but

how am I going to still the way that

these words

percolate like helium

from the pores on my chest?

They leak from my arms,

clawing their way through the ducts

in the skin of my hands,

escaping in my sweat and spit,

adding weight to each exhale.

Maybe you can taste them

when I kiss you,

secret under my tongue

sweetening the consonants

that hiss from behind from my teeth.

Maybe you can feel them tug at you

from my fists, clenched full of your back,

clutching the skin on your thighs,

or from my teeth, gripping your neck,

so innocuously and hungrily.

I grasp at you so fully, so sweetly,

as I wait for the right time to loose them,

saying without saying without saying,

hoping I can steady myself

Has got to be against the law

Cause it for sure makes no good damn sense

But we do that

We cry over spilled milk

Even though we’re allergic

Maybe it’s to make sure

It all still works

That the heart still beats

And the soul still has love to give

To the right boy

To cry about

With happy tears

Like a painful stutter.

Watch us trip

Till we never reach

The finish line,

That we always dreamed.

But I-

I-

Forgive you

For never being brave enough

To just speak,

When all I needed

Was one word

From you, to me.

You broke the window,

But through the jagged cracks,

I still see

You cowering in the corner,

Straining to breathe.

Our song,

Like a painful stutter,

I still sing.

You never thought you'd find me

on the patient side of midnight

sober as the dusk, offering my last light

to the flowers that grow on your windowsill.

Your petals are upright in this passing time

absorbing me until they can't anymore,

thirst for alcohol ebbing into the dark.

I never thought I'd break like bread,

even in accidental breaking--

in your hands, at your table,

dissolving beneath your easing spit.

Say grace before you begin with me,

and in my halving I might bring you peace

either distilling or

Surrounding

The moments of peace

Dreaming of what life could have been

The mighty fear of living

Creates PTSD

The ongoing trauma,

Pain,

Misery.

Daydreaming of what heaven or hell may be.

Sickened with memories

Thinking

Itll be easier

Forever

To sleep

Than to live with this heavy feeling

You showed me your sweet side

Your danger

Your angst

What should I fear? But my own taste

I'm stuck between staying with the monster you've created

Or letting myself...

Be free, if that can be.

I fear the moment I leave

Will I lose my own sight?

It's a sweet ground

But sticky to walk around

I never know when your going to express

Your anger

For what we've created

As you throw your words

Down my throat

An unborn child

Knows your spite

Maybe everyones right

That to escape the bittersweet love you have for me

Is to believe that maybe

to the moon and back

But her mind is unstable,

Confused on her path

Life is a world in space

Avoiding black holes, -the color of her eyes,

She takes one step to

Realize

That maybe life is what you make it

Rather than what happens inside

Her lunar system twirls

Darkness erupts

Eyes black

And her words shooting to the moon

As her aspirations

Forever

Starving for your love

Awaiting for your eyes to contact hers

Patiently

Impatient

Waiting for you to acknowledge the craving she has for your eyes

To gaze into hers

Her soul is on fire

Raging for your moments

As her love is deeply hungry

For the man she sees

Maybe her eyes

Are hungrier

Date night calls,

Voices flowing through our phones,

I feel your heart grow heavy due to our hours apart.

We fall deeper towards the idea of love,

Constantly fearing what that may become.

When we decide to meet...

Could you really be the one?

I stay up thinking about who you may be,

But all I know is my heart is heavy

In love

as soon as the stars align

i saw you in the moonlight glow

and realized what i didn’t know

i’m not deserving of your heart

that wonderful work of art

so i quietly walked away,

went back to the start

weight of words i didn’t say