refreshedspirit

that somehow my very being is unworthy to be given the goodness I have and shown the kindness I received.

the idea that someone could love me wholly and tenderly without me instinctively making myself smaller,

easier,

digestable,

seems so inconceivable.

oh, how terrified I am to find myself falling for someone who cannot love me the way I need to; to fall in the trap of attraction mistaken for love and to give, and give, and give — to lose my principles, values and every inch of my being that I am in the guise of love and the expense of myself.

but it’s so stupid too, for an up and coming spinster to speak of love.

God, I feel so small again,

so unworthy and undeserving of existing.

because I have yet to meet someone who knew how I needed to be loved

Call me strict and suddenly that’s all that I am. Call me lazy and that is all you see.

Said I’m self absorbed and an arrogant brat I become.

You needed a trustworthy leader, I became that too.

A blank piece of paper I was and you, the artist, the author. You painted and drawn, adding medium after medium, erasing and touching up until I became a version you wanted. An accidental flaw you would not take, and erase your work into remake.

*alarms ringing in every direction*

*scrambled thoughts*

* feels like puking at every given chance*

*continuous headache*