Jilly's Private Blog

I don't think it's a healthy place for me. It's no longer about venting and leaving it be, it's about dwelling in it. I don't want that. It's not giving me peace, anymore.

so like i had a lunch date that got cancelled at the last minute which it's like. whatever. but it wasn't like "oh something suddenly came up, i'm so sorry" it was like "hey so i know we're supposed to meet in like 15 minutes but i made other plans." like, really? good to know that i mean THAT LITTLE to you that makes me feel AWESOME.

like honestly i have been feeling really unwanted and unloved lately and i really just. i don't deserve it. i'd rather someone just cut me from their life completely than continue talking to me when they don't want to hang out with me like. fuck this. i don't need this i have people who care about me and if you aren't one of them then i don't need you. this person who cancelled on me has been making me feel like this for awhile and honestly it's gotten to the point where i don't even TRY to make plans with them anymore. it's THEM who makes the plans and then cancel. like what the hell? WHAT IS YOUR REASONING I DON'T UNDERSTAND. you are under no obligation to talk to me or hang out with me really. if you don't want to that doesn't make you a bad person or me a bad person it just means that we're two people who don't talk. that's literally it. i'd much rather that than this bullshit.

so yeah after completely mentally blowing that out of proportion (while responding "that's fine :)" to the text because i KNOW i'm blowing this out of proportion what the fuck) i drive up to school and turns out there's a shift on monday that i can pick up so that's cool i guess. i mean i needed more hours anyways since i only had 3 so. silver lining to this crapsack day.

and the pride meeting was good too (even tho that one other straight girl makes me asHAMED TO BE STRAIGHT LIKE. NO. THE A IS FOR ASEXUAL AND WE DON'T NEED A FUCKING LETTER IN THE ACRONYM SHUT YOUR FACE THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU). i was glad to go to that but then like. immediately after. shit hit the fan.

i went to my 7-10 class and i was really fidgety which is normal for me so it was like. whatever. i didn't really think anything of it or my stomach ache because i ate sort of a light dinner but then it started getting harder to breathe and about halfway through class it was like WHAM. anxiety attack that felt like it came out of NOWHERE instead of progressing like it usually does so. that was new. and somehow i managed to sit through the rest of class without like crying or anything. except at one point i like JUMPED when someone set their cup down too loudly which earned lots of confused looks from the people around me.

so my class got out about a half-hour early and my roommate had a class until 10 too so i had a little time to myself to decompress a little bit and before she got back i went to shower because that always helps and i could stay there and have no one see me which was comforting. and so i'm there and doing this little word association game i do to calm myself down sometimes and i've actually gotten to the point where the shaking has stopped and the weight on my chest got a bit lighter and it was good but like, out of nowhere, i realized why i lost all my drive for kaito. like the drive was gone even before i stopped completely if i'm being totally honest and i know why. i know why and it's literally like, the stupidest fucking reason on this planet and is making me rethink a lot of things.

explaining it all through actual words is like physically impossible but it's really related to my dad. and i thought i was done grieving him properly and everything but like. when i thought of that and then thought of that one song he always used to play on the piano and thought of why him being tied to kaito meant that kaito was anxiety and why i couldn't play him i just. i burst into tears and this wasn't really my usual cry where like i shed a few tears and it's mostly just in my voice like no it was full blown sobs and honestly i'm trying not to cry again because megan is here now.

so i don't think i'm ever going back to kaito and i'm honestly wondering if it wouldn't be therapeutic or something just just delete his blog entirely, but i know i won't do that. there are honestly too many good memories there and i want to keep them, but i can't play him anymore. realizing what i'm realizing now i just. i can't.

i'm seriously considering getting a therapist or someone to talk to because i can't keep going on like this. i can't do this by myself and i need something. if i don't take care of myself then my grades will suffer and i'll lose my scholarship and i won't be able to keep going to school and i can't handle that. i'm honestly like terrified of graduating because i have no idea what to do with myself.

my stomach hurts and my room's too cold and i'm just really miserable tonight and i just need to curl up with tea and netflix and ignore the inside of my brain for tonight because i just cannot deal right now. it's not happening. i feel like there's a lot of negative energy in my life right now and i really just want NONE of it.

is it because i need to vent less or because i don't have time to vent?