Penepolielle

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Where do I start? hmm 

I’m having another episode, where I utterly feel like shit, no one can really help me deal with it and I’m tired of explaining what it is but I guess Ill type it out right now. It’s different from when I was younger. Usually it was triggered when my mom starts talking about something or if I feel insecure and hate my outer appearance or I just feel sad about my life atleast it had a reason. 

Now, its caused by nothing. It hits randomly. I have been having an episode for 3 hours now and I dont know how to stop it. I dont know what it is, sadness? depression? I dont even wanna name it because whatever its called I feel like I’m purposely feeding it what it wants. Ive longed consider if Im depressed but I feel like I’m making myself depressed even more(if iam depressed). what i mean by that is Ive looked up its symptoms and most of them I ve experienced. I keep checking depression tests online(I took a lot)and thats the only test Id get high on. sometimes when Im doing something im reminded of how its a symptom of depression and then I just keep doing it. I really dont know anymore. My family isnt helping. I feel like everyones got a mental illness of their own, they have their own shit to tend to. one of my cousin might be depressed too, im always around her and i feel like she cant help too and we’re really not helping each other 

what it feels like

I cant do anything because of it, Its so disturbing, of course im trying to do things but i just can focus on it. from time to time my head hurts because of it(?) Idfk. I feel weak, i loss appetite, i just wanna lie down and I certainly dont wanna talk or see people too. 

That’s why