-To New Beginnings

Me: minding my own damn business in the grocery store

One of my students and a few of his teammates enter the dairy aisle. 

My student is holding hands with one of his teammates. 

My student: Oh hey, Professor X!

Me, who has both my student and his girlfriend in my class: …Hello

My student, looking at his hand-holding partner: Oh! Don’t worry. My girlfriend knows. Not that I’m cheating! I’m not cheating. I’m not gay.

Hand Holding boy: Not that being gay is a bad thing! It’s a good thing!

My student: Right! But no, listen. We aren’t together, we just hold hands in public sometimes.

Hand Holding Boy: Especially on Friday nights. And weekends. And at away games.

My student: Because sometimes people will say shit and then we can fight them! And if the fight started because someone was being homophobic, coach won’t get mad at us.

Oral 101 - Eating Her Out

Before oral: GET FAMILIAR with cisgender women’s anatomy. Look up a detailed guide that differentiates between her inner and outer labia, her clitoris, her clitoral hood, her vaginal opening, her mound, and the opening of her urethra. When things are wet and messy, people can sometimes confuse these things. When you confuse the parts of a women’s body, it can make that woman feel ashamed - not because there is anything wrong with HER, but because you seem distracted, or apathetic. When you get distracted, or (for example) don’t locate her clit, it may communicate that you aren’t paying attention to her body, aren’t reading her body language/reactions, or straight up don’t care about her pleasure. MOST PEOPLE (particularly men) do NOT get an adequate sex 101 that appropriately or comprehensively incorporates female pleasure. This 101 guide will serve as a basic template for giving cisgender women oral. The rest of the play is up to you.

Note: giving good head and coming to understand your partner’s preferences is a LEARNING experience. The best students ask questions. Don’t be afraid to say, “Do you like this?” “How does this feel?” “Faster or slower? “Harder or softer?” “Tell me what to do.” One handy trick - when you’re between her legs, if you’re having any trouble locating her clit or figuring out where your mouth should go, ask her to touch herself/her clit. You can make it sexy and as demanding/dominant as you’d like (keeping your partner’s sexual preferences in mind, of course). Then, when she touches her clit in front of your face, you know where your tongue goes. Sometimes clits hide. They can be shy. They can take a while to emerge. There are folds around the pussy and some clits are very small. Ask for help. Your partner knows how to be your homing beacon, and making sure you’re licking the right place will show her that you care, you’re invested in her pleasure,

and you want to do this right.

What to do:

1. Kiss all the way down her body. Stop at her breasts, lick her nipples, nip at her ribs, kiss her bellybutton, bite her hips (gently). Kiss every part of her you can reach. Build anticipation. Spend time on her nipples. Be soft. Be slow. Swirl your tongue. Take your time. There is no rush to get to her pussy. The more you build anticipation, the more sensitive her clit will be when you do get to it.

2. When you get down to her pussy, stop. Tell her she’s beautiful. Tell her she smells amazing. Tell her you can’t wait to taste her. Women spend much of their lives being told that the taste, smell, and function of their vaginas is disgusting or something to hide. It is your job as her sexual partner to help her undo all of the fucked up messages she has gotten about her pussy. Treat it like the holy grail. Say, “wow.” Say, “you are so sexy.” Say, “I love being in between your legs. I love having you spread open like this.” It is very likely that NO ONE has ever spoken to her like this before. It is very likely that she has experienced 10X more shame about her pussy than she has experienced praise. Help her begin to undo that trauma. Treat her like she’s glorious.

3. Despite the fact that you just told her you can’t wait to taste her, definitely make *her* wait for your mouth. Kiss her inner thighs. Softly. Bite her hips. Be playful. Be eager. Suck small hickeys between her legs. Get closer and closer to her pussy, but don’t make contact yet. Breathe over her pussy, so she can feel how close you are. Kiss her mound. Lick her outer lips. Run your fingers over her pussy, from her clit down to her vaginal opening and back. Feel how wet you’ve already made her. Spread her wetness around. Touch her with your fingers first, but avoid direct contact with her clit.

4. When she’s moaning and panting a bit - when you can hear that you’ve worked her up - then you have permission to taste her. Get your face between her legs (seriously, a visual guide will HELP YOU and your eyes are your best friends when it comes to locating her clit). Use your fingers to spread open her labia, revealing her clitoral hood. Then, start licking. SOFTLY. I have seen so much advice telling men to be firm with their tongues. There is a time and place to be firm. Right at the beginning of oral is NOT IT. Start slow and make sure your tongue and mouth are nice and wet. Lick her clit in long, slow swipes. Try to lick from underneath the clitoral hood, so the flat of your tongue is pressed against her clit (note - some women might be more sensitive and prefer you to focus on the hood rather than the clitoris directly. Ask what your partner prefers). Lick slowly and steadily. Do NOT flick or jab your tongue quickly. You’re more likely to miss her clit entirely if you do this, and it doesn’t feel as good as the steady pressure and slow glide.

5. Try a few different patterns and figure out what works best for her. My favorite is small circles, but some women prefer zigzags or stripes or X shapes or the alphabet or diagonal licks across their clit. Try multiple patterns out and ask her what feels the best. If she says, “go back to that thing” or “do that again,” confirm with her that you went back to the *right* thing. Say, “you mean this? Or this?” It can be tough for women to make demands in bed. Show her how much you want to take direction. Communicate that you want to be a fucking PRO at this. It will help her feel more comfortable giving you guidance. And, in return, she’ll be more eager giving you pleasure as well. Win-win!

6. Most women say that the thing that is most likely to make them orgasm is CONSISTENCY. When you find something she likes (wet zigzags with the tip of your tongue, small circles against her clit with the flat of your tongue, slow swipes across her clit, soft licks from right underneath the hood), continue doing that thing. ASK HER if she’ll be able to come if you keep doing this for 20 minutes straight. If the answer is no, ask her what else she needs. You can slowly (very slowly) increase pressure and speed.

7. Feel free to introduce fingers, but keep a few things in mind. First, women generally don’t like to be roughly or violently finger-fucked while they’re getting oral. It can take away from the pleasure and distract from the task at hand. Start with one finger, and go slowly. Second, make sure you have short fingernails. You can introduce a second finger, but pump them in and out of her slowly. Crook them a bit inside of her while you continue licking her with the pattern she’s already told you she likes. Often, when fingers get introduced during oral, that becomes the main feature and the clit gets lost. The mouth strays away from the clitoris and her orgasm is delayed or she may feel as if her primary pleasure (clitoral stimulation) is being ignored for the sake of a sexual script that is not designed to make her orgasm (penetration). If you’re concerned that introducing fingers will distract you from her clit, don’t introduce them yet. Start with just oral and begin using fingers only when you can find her clit with the tip of your tongue, in the dark, within a few seconds.

8. Again, consistency is key. Continue licking her the way she likes. Be prepared to STAY THERE for 30 minutes. Make sure you’re in a comfortable position. Touch her. Rub your fingers over her nipples. Grab her ass. Run your fingers across her stomach and hips. Hold her hands. Use your hands to tilt her hips toward you. Use your hands to angle her in a way that gives you better access to her clit.

9. When you can feel that she’s getting closer, speed up a bit and (very slowly) increase pressure with your tongue on her clit. Be careful not to start flicking or getting distracted. You might lose the pattern that works for her. Moan. Bury your face into her. Tell her you want to make her come. Lick her like she’s delicious. Continue to lick her until she’s coming. Get your face wet. Use your entire tongue. Know that the clit will get even more sensitive during orgasm. Slow down and be a bit more gentle once she begins to orgasm, but DO NOT STOP. Lick her through it. If you go a bit softer after her orgasm has begun, but don’t lose contact with her clit, you can double the length of her orgasm.

10. When she starts to squirm or laugh or close her legs, she’s overly sensitive. Kiss her thighs. Squeeze her hips. Kiss her mound. Love her through it. But do stop licking her clit. Overstimulation can start to hurt after a short while.

Things to avoid:

1. Teeth. Do not use teeth. Period.

2. Confusing her clit with the opening of her urethra.

3. Sucking her clit too hard (some women enjoy clit sucking, but BE GENTLE, and know that it isn’t for everyone. Steady licking is a surer bet).

4. Violent finger-fucking. Don’t. Just don’t.

5. Long fingernails. Trim those.

6. Being too rough with your tongue or flicking instead of licking.

7. Losing her clit or getting distracted.

8. Spending too much time on her vaginal opening rather than the clit itself.

9. Stopping too early.

10. Switching it up too much (consistency is key!)

Remember, women have been taught sexual shame our entire lives. You dedicating 30-40 minutes to enthusiastically give the woman you’re sleeping with oral can go a long way in undoing the toxic messages we’ve received about our bodies, our pleasure, and our deservingness. Your tongue can literally make a difference for our self esteem. Spending time on us and telling us how much you enjoy giving oral is BEING AN ALLY. It is showing up for women. It is helping combat the orgasm gap. It is setting a higher bar for the sexual behavior and generosity of women’s sexual partners. It is sexy. It is fun. It is helpful. It is healing. It is time well-spent.

FUCHSIA: I wish I could become your best friend through the internet.

GREY: You leave me with jumbled words.

RED: I’m in love with you.

PINK: I have a crush on you.

TURQUOISE: You’re hot.

CHARTREUSE: I sincerely wish you would notice me.

TEAL: We have quite a lot in common.

BLUE: You are my Tumblr crush.

ORANGE: I dislike your page.

YELLOW: PLEASE FUCK ME.

WHITE: PLEASE MARRY ME.

GREEN: I find you cute.

BLACK: I would date you.