Musings of A Mess

So yesterday my hubby and I realized we hadn’t heard from our sister-in-law in about a month.  So I reached out to her.  Apparently she’s been in the hospital for the past month going through tests to determine which auto-immune disease she has developed.   While we were chatting, I found that a lot of the symptoms she was showing are the same ones I’ve been dealing with for months.  They think she might have Crohn’s.  I doubt that i do as I’m leaning more towards autonomic neuropathy.  

The problem here is that both of us have been going for months in quick care, ER’s, and primary doctors with these complaints and all we ever get is “Oh, it’s a virus, it will pass.” or “You may have food poisoning, it will pass.” or “Hmmm, we don’t know why you are having heart problems, but its definitely not related to your other issues.”  I’m tired of being told there’s nothing wrong.  How long will it be before I end up in the hospital too?  I’ve been hooked up to IV’s for dehydration, I’ve had my enzymes tested, I’ve had chest x-rays and blood tests.  But all they are actually looking for is a virus, blood sugar issues, ketones, heart attacks.  No one is actually address what is going on from my stomach to my rectum.  That’s where the problem is.  So we kept commiserating, and began discussing our spoons.  Most references state you should break down your energy use by 12 spoons per day.  The problem with this is that some days I have 12 to work with and some days I only have a few.  Yesterday was a 5 spoon day.  I could barely check the mail without feeling week, tired, dizzy and nauseous.  

It seems like the more stress I have, the fewer spoons I get. I’m starting to have silent panic attacks and spend much of my time praying for a miracle.  I need one yesterday. Still need to come up with $600 to keep our house.  

Well, I finally got a better outlook on life after being stuck on the couch all day yesterday. . . or so I thought.  It figures that as soon as things start looking a bit brighter another storm rolls in.     I got a notice yesterday that because we are half a month behind on our rent, I have to come up with $1400 by the 1st of June, AND they will no longer accept split payments.  Sure, I can make that happen. . . NOT!   So, if I don’t make that happen, we’re back on the streets,  and back to going on waiting lists that can range between 6-12 months.  Everything we Own has to go back into storage, because lord knows we have resources to make that happen.  

Then just to rub salt in the wounds,my washing machine decided it was going to simultaneously fill and drain for 12 hours.  My oh so lovely roommate decided to text me about it after I went to sleep so I didn’t get the message until this morning.  Water, running, all night.  Because, yeah, we can afford to waste that much water.  

Well, last night was terrible.  As soon as I got to bed, my neuropathy flared up.  It’s a weird and terrible feeling.  Its like your toes are wrapped in gauze.  A dull sensation where everything you touch feels far away, and like there is something between your toes.  Add to that the feeling that you skin is burning, much like a sunburn on your toes.  I took my gabapentin and massaged Lidocaine on my feet but the pain just wouldn’t fade.  As my poor husband tried to sleep I tossed and turned and kicked my feet trying to get rid of the pain.  I finally got up and took a very hot shower, added more lidocaine and was able to get some sleep.  

Woke up this morning with a pounding headache which has been haunting me for a couple weeks now.  Also, a gastrointenstinal upset has me doubling in pain quite a bit today.  I had hoped to get a few things done today but I’m not sure that my body will allow me to.  It’s so depressing when you have the drive to accomplish things out in the world, but you’re held back by your disease and its effects keep you from making your mark.  

I did manage to reschedule my daughter’s doctor’s appointment this morning and I reached out to the dispensary yet again to see where they are in the interview process.  It’s upsetting that they have not responded to my inquiries and I can only hope that they are just busy.  I have always maintained that while most employers don’t really respond to applicants they are not interested, it should still be common courtesy to let them know instead of just hoping they will disappear.  I’m not that kind of girl!

I’ve been thinking about dinner tonight, since it usually takes mental planning to decide if I need to go shopping and how much energy I have for cooking.  Today I’m limited on funds and energy, which makes planning more difficult.  No current left-overs in the fridge, and its too late to defrost the pork roast in the freezer… maybe I can do that tomorrow.   Perhaps, I will order from the Lucky Fortune down the street.  I can usually feed the family for about $20 and have leftovers.  The family is usually disappointed that I don’t splurge on crab rangoons, dumplings and egg flower soup, but at this point they are just going to have to deal until I can get back to work or find some way to make some money.  

Speaking of money, we have $200 to our names, still owe $500 on rent and won’t get paid again until next month’s rent is due.  I have my fingers crossed that the management company will not get upset that I’m falling behind as long as I pay what I can whenever I can.  Prayers on that front would be greatly appreciated.  Normally, I would be in the midst of a breakdown, but thankfully, my medication for the bipolar issues seems to be keeping me pretty level.  Yay for that! 

As always, I’m looking for some mental and emotional relief right now.  Maybe this blogging thing is helping.  I guess its too soon to tell.  

OK, so my counselor suggested I find an outlet for my thoughts.  I have A LOT of them.  NO, I am not looking for any type of sympathy.  I am looking for a bit of relief.  Maybe some ideas, maybe others who are going through some of the same crap.  

A bit about me to get started.  

Once upon a time,  I was an honor student with a dark sense of humor.  I took decent care of myself, had a few really good friends and was working towards a career in counseling. Overall, it was a pretty decent life. 

Then life happened.  In the past few years I have acquired a loving husband, a step daughter and two girls of my own, a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and an Associates of Applied Science in Funeral Services.  

Doesn’t sound bad right? So where’s the mess?

Let’s see… we have not been able to find a way to be financially stable in 13 years.  I’ve spent 15 years working in call centers despite my education.  We’ve had to move around so much that no place that we rent really ever feels like home.  And our current place doesn’t allow pets for the cats we’ve had for 13 years are living with someone else

Health issues abound.  The husband suffers from idiopathic peripheral neuropathy and hypertension. Two of the daughters have ADHD, one of which also suffers from oppositional defiance.  Then there’s me… about 8 years ago I was diagnosed a Type 2 Diabetic.  This was discovered when all the worst symptoms hit me in a two week period. I already had Diabetic Neuropathy by the time I realized there was a problem.  I was doing okay until about 6 months ago.  I started feeling tired and sick all the time and had to go on a medical leave from my last call center job until the issues could be resolved. The medication I had been using to control my sugars was no longer working and I had to start taking insulin.  During this time I was also diagnosed as Bi-Polar.  Ok, well at least we know the root of the issues.  Oh, I forgot to mention that we’re now watching three spots on my face that may be pre-concerous.

Back to work I went, except I was still feeling tired and sick even with normal sugar levels.  Nevertheless, I went to work, determined to get back on track.  NOPE! I was walked out of the building on my second day back because they discovered a discrepancy in my attendance at the beginning of my medical leave… in November… the firing happened in March! 

Luckily, I got a part time job until I could find something else.  Or at least that was the plan.  I was now working in Retail, walking approximately 5 miles a day.  I needed the exercise so I thought it would be a good deal.  Until I started getting hematomas under my toenails and lost MORE feeling in my feet.  The 8 hours a week was not enough to account for the 50 mile round trip to work, the cost of day care and the new and worsening foot issues.  So I’m back to being unemployed … again.  

Currently I am trying to get into a budtender position with a local medical marijuana dispensary.  It’s something that I believe in and I think would be the perfect job.  I won’t be on my feet all the time, I sure as hell wont be stuck in another call center, and I will be able to help and educate others.  

Needless to say, I don’t know how we are going to survive until I can get a real job and bring in a paycheck.  

It feels like my body is dooming us and I am the cause of all of our stress despite my trying to make things better.  So here I am typing and feeling worthless to my family.  

I will probably post random crap on here covering everything from daily stress, to medical and recreational marijuana posts, to death industry posts, to mommy related posts, to diabetes related posts and everything in between.