M I S T A H W E A L T H Y .

Why let me fall in love with you?

Why let me in? Teach me so much about you.. Tell me about your family and your dreams. Make me want to stand by you through whatever. Make me step from behind this wall I took so long to build and perfect, to shield me..

From Niggas Like you.

Why let me believe in you? Believe in your dreams, pray for you before myself. How could you let me believe you were different? Why show me something i never had, open my mind and make me feel new, if you didn’t plan to stay? 

I told you I had issues with abandonment; that it was hard for me to connect with and trust men. You let me believe in you, I let you make me believe that WE were going to be something so much more than what you were willing to give to me.. 

Why make love to me? Fuck up my chemistry, my fucking mental and spiritual, just to tell me you couldn’t be with me and be pissed at me when I call us what we were.. Fuck Buddies. Why let me fall so far? Why couldn’t you just tell me. 

I know plans change, we embark on these new journeys and don’t know where they’ll take us, but plenty of time has passed. You know what you want and don’t want now. So why lead me on? Why tell me you love me when you know that it’s not the same anymore. Let me make these plans for our future when you know already there isn’t one. 

When I told you I loved you in a way i had never loved anyone else I meant that, and wow.. This is my first romantic heartbreak. I HATE love but I also CRAVE it. I want someone to want me and utterly adore me.. to go the lengths I’d go for them. I want someone to sit up at night and wonder what I’m doing, wonder if everything is okay with me, check in on me, make sure my mental is in check. I want someone to check me when I’m slacking on finding my purpose and chasing my goals. I just want to feel valuable to someone other than myself sometimes.. Fuck. Is that too much to ask? 

DON’T LET ME FALL IN LOVE IF YOU’RE GOING TO LET ME DOWN. 

I mean of course I’m going to be disappointed at some point. But have the fucking decency to SAY SOMETHING. Don’t let my mind wonder. I need security. I need to feel safe with you, and I did. That’s why I’m so fucking confused on how you could disregard my feelings like this. 

Honestly, I don’t ask for a lot. The one thing I ask for is honesty. I told you from the jump, if your feelings change just tell me. If you find interest in another, tell me. When this isn’t working and you’re not agreeing with my words and actions, just tell me. That’s all I needed from you. 

Instead, you let me pour out my heart to you. You let me be vulnerable and weak only to disregard my feelings and make me feel stupid. Make me feel like I’m trippin, and maybe I’m doing too much. Have me out here feeling like I’m going crazy when really you allowed me to get my feelings involved and simply react on those feelings.

You don’t do everything you’re supposed to do in a relationship and when it’s time to commit say you don’t want to be in one. So you’re telling me you get to reap all of these benefits and I get what in return? To watch other bitches brag about you? Hear about you fucking other bitches with no regard for how I feel? fuck that. 

I gave you the best that I had and it still wasn’t good enough. 

You wondered all this time why I had such a low self-esteem. Why I didn’t always know my worth and why I took so long to open up to you. Because the first man I ever trusted to love me unconditionally, the man who was supposed to teach me about niggas like you, keep me from niggas like you, was able to walk away from me without a fuckin care. He did and said things without considering the way it would make me feel. He’d be 10-15 minutes away and not think to call or come see me. All these things to make me feel like I was invaluable to him, just. like. you.

So excuse me for being stingy with my trust and feelings. But I just fucking knew a time would come where I’d look back at this and realize you were doing the same exact thing. And yeah no man should ever be in control of the way you feel about yourself, no man should influence your actions and how you carry yourself. They should uplift you, love your flaws, blah blah, bullshit. Being naive and in love will do that to you, cause you to forget who you are. 

And after giving yourself away to people who make you believe they see value in you then turn around and shit on everything you’ve built, every door you’ve opened, all that you’ve sacrificed and fought internally with yourself about, it makes me feel worthless. I hate that I feel that way but I can’t help it. 

I’ve always struggled with self love so I used love as my defense. Giving everything I can to another to ensure that they knew they were loved. But what’s in it for me? It’s never reciprocated and if it is, it’s always conditional. I give and give and give, I ask for nothing in return but when it’s time for me to be consoled and cared for, who is there for me to call on? No one has ever been faithful, all in, or committed to me. And you love to say I need to find that within myself but I don’t even know where to begin. 

You let me give you all of me, only to treat me like an option and call on me when its convenient. 

Fuck you. 

I hope you get everything you ever wanted from this life and when you realize I’m a part of that, I hope my dumb ass is somewhere all in love with ME enough to know it’s too late for YOU.

That goes for you and any other fuck nigga that is able to deceive me the way you did.

C’est La Vie mf.