I Belong To The Future

May I present the best apple:

Gustave Caillebotte - The Floor Scrapers (1875-6)

Original on top, later version below

“Despite the effort Caillebotte put into the painting, it was rejected by France’s most prestigious art exhibition, The Salon, in 1875. The depiction of working-class people in their trade, not fully clothed, shocked the jurors and was deemed a ‘vulgar subject matter.’ 

"What even is riding? What is governer general? So many weird English words. Don't get me started on history. Why do I have to remember there was strike in Winnipeg a hundred years ago? Was Scott Hunter there?"

The clip goes somewhat viral, but it doesn't spread far until he's doing a post-game interview where one reporter, after asking their question about the game, asks, "Where does the name 'Canada' come from?"

"What?"

The reporter kind of embarresedly repeats, "Where does the word 'Canada' come from? It's on the Canadian citizenship test."

Ilya stares blankly for a moment then says, slowly, "It means village, I think. From Indigenous language? Why are you asking questions from citizenship test?"

The reporter shrugs. "You said you were having dfficulty studying for the test. Maybe it helps with studying?"

And THAT clip goes viral along with the first. It starts a trend of reporters asking questions from the Discover Canada study guide whenever the opportunity arises. It starts as a bit, but soon people get in invested and genuinely want to see Ilya pass his citizenship test. Fans start asking him questions from the study guide too, whenever they meet him at official events or out and about.

and ilya wanders over and joins the conversation and starts?? recommending?? blogs??? "nut free natalie has really good plain vanilla. it does go kind of flat, though, i think because of sea level? but if you add 1/2 tsp more baking soda and-"

and the WAGs are all??? since when??? does roz know this??? and word gets around because he is a good captain and checks in on the family and ends up chit chatting about allergies and making suggestions based on what he's been researching since he's had a few months of this now and everyone is??? d-does roz?? have allergies? no?? they've SEEN HIM eating this stuff???

and then he moves to ottawa and someone has a (wildly incorrect lmao) lightbulb moment of "oh my GOD!!! ROZANOV HAS A KID WITH ALLERGIES!" they know about montreal jane and figured he was moving up to ottawa to be closer to her anyway, and a kid being in the picture (especially a kid who might have medical needs a la food allergies) would absolutely make sense for him suddenly moving up there after years. and some of the team is a little hurt he wouldn't say anything, but he does get some ruthless press and jane seems really private so maybe?? it's her request???

and naturally gossip flows a little to the point that it makes it to the ottawa team, and i mean? yeah? makes sense? roz is so rigorous about allergies and keeping his place allergy free? maybe the kid and jane come on the weekends or something?? or maybe it's like a week on week off situation??

and eventually shane is down in boston playing and a member of montreal is friends with someone on boston, so the gossip gets passed along that roz left boston to move up to ottawa to be with jane and their kid. and NATURALLY this becomes THE topic in the locker room that evening afterwards. and shane coming back from press hears this and is??? what?? the fuck are you talking about???

"yeah, it's what smythe on the boston team said. apparently roz moved up because their kid is sick or something?? no one's sure."

shane that night texts ilya, "apparently?? we have a kid together??"

and for ilya up until this point shane just seemed like this scary but also boring monotone asshole who has no emotions or weaknesses - like this total like prim and proper killer ice queen. except suddenly sex and seduction stuff comes up and suddenly shane's like blushing and stammering his big brown eyes are all like shiny and clueless and he confesses that like he's maybe had sex with like. two people. and both times it wasn't particularly great. it was like okay. so like he doesn't know why or how doing something that's only just okay gets them government secrets.

and now ilya's all smirking and bravado because now they are on his turf right. and he's like oh. well i can show you. and he like telling shane everything he does to seduce a target while he's getting really close to shane and touching him and stuff.

and let me stress again that ilya has seen shane pop a rando for just being in the wrong place at the wrong time or complete garrote someone's throat with like chicken wire and now this ice cold killer is just like backed against the wall and is all open and vulnerable pliant for him.

but of course right when things are going to get too heated ilya backs off. before you know. they cross a line.

except shane then is like. well. i think you should uh. help me practice. so i can get better at it. for the mission of course.

and ilya's like oh. okay. of course. and they have sex. again. and again. and again "for practice." except of course ilya never lets shane test his "training" out on the field. and the second shane tries to ilya just swoops in and just makes up an excuse like "it's just easier if i do it" or like "you're not ready" etc. etc. and ilya just keeps sleeping with targets just so he wouldn't have to watch shane do it, and it's complciated because ilya doesn't know why the idea of seeing shane sleep with other people makes up him so upset. meanwhile shane is watching ilya sleep with just like person after person and is also getting unreasonably upset, and doesn't know why.

and anyway they keep having sex for "practice" until one day they actually almost die because of some really fucked up mission and they are actually skidding down the road barely escaped by the skin of their teeth and the car ride is COMPLETELY silent the entire ride back until ilya kills the engine. and he turns to shane. and without saying a word they both like leap at each other and are actually tearing each other's clothes off and they have this like crazy "i can't believe we almost died" sex right in the car. and that's the first time they sleep together not under the pretense of "practice."

Making this its own separate post as a follow up to this post:

“Wait wait wait, hold up,” says Rose. She leans toward Ilya with the personal boundaries of someone on their third mimosa. They are gathered on the deck of the cottage and the drinks have been flowing. “What do you mean you just need to be ‘clear and direct’ with Shane? What is not ‘clear and direct’ about a waiter looking you up and down, giving you the flirty eyes AND the flirty smile, and saying that dessert is, quote, ‘on me if you’re interested.’ That’s pretty fucking clear and direct if you ask me.”

Hayden snorts and looks at Shane, who has his face buried in his hands.

“Seriously?!? You think that’s just a guy doing his job?”

“I didn’t want to assume!” Shane protests. “You know how often service staff get harassed on the job. I’m not going to be one of those people.”

Hayden scoffs. “Yeah, dude, I get that, but there’s making assumptions and then there’s missing a huge fucking billboard that says ‘Do You Want to Fuck, Yes/No’.”

Shane groans and Ilya sniggers, eyes bright with amusement.

“No no, you see, Shane is tricky to flirt with,” Ilya explains, rubbing a hand over Shane’s back fondly, “because he will make up all these reasons why he might be misunderstanding, a million excuses why maybe you aren’t really flirting with him, because he doesn’t want to make a mistake and get embarrassed. So you have to make it so he has no chance for misunderstanding.”

Shane leans into his side and buries his face in Ilya’s shoulder, hiding, but Ilya can feel his smile pressed against his shirt, so he knows Shane’s feeling embarrassed but not mortified.

Rose grins in delight and says, “Then how did you do it, Mr. Clear and Direct?”

Hayden catches on as well. “Yeah, actually, you never did say exactly who made the first move and where and how. You just said it was the summer before rookie year.”

Shane stills. Ilya’s pretty sure they’re both thinking about the same moment all those years ago. He drops a light kiss on top of Shane’s head, part question and part reassurance. After a moment, Shane relaxes, settles himself more comfortably with his temple pressed to Ilya’s shoulder, and gives Ilya a light squeeze on the leg in assent.

Ilya grins at Hayden and Rose, permission granted.

“Technically Shane approached me first, outside the rink at World Juniors, flirting in his very polite Canadian way.”

“I was not flirting.”

“Yes, you were flirting, solnyshko, clear as day. You smiled at me with your cute freckles and you shook my hand twice.”

“I was showing good sportsmanship! It’s polite to introduce yourself to the other players.”

“Ah, so you introduced yourself to my teammates as well? All of them. Whole team.”

Shane pauses. “Well, no, but you were obviously the best player on the team and the media was already talking about us as rivals, so it makes perfect sense to introduce myself to you but not your teammates.”

Ilya gives Rose and Hayden a look as if to say, “you see what I have to deal with?”

Shane shoves at Ilya.

Rose laughs. “You’re lucky, because I had to go up to Shane and introduce myself.”

Hayden snorts. “I had to do that too, and I wasn’t even trying to date him. I just wanted to get to know him better as a teammate.”

“You guys…” Shane groans and shakes his head.

“Okay, so Shane makes the first move,” says Rose, turning back to Ilya, because she is like a bloodhound when it comes to good gossip. She ignores Shane muttering “no, I didn’t” and presses on. “But obviously nothing happened then, because I cannot picture Shane getting down and dirty on the first date”—she ignores his “That wasn’t a date” as well—“What did you say to actually get through to him?”

Ilya glances from Rose’s eager face to Hayden’s I’m-curious-but-I’m-kinda-afraid-of-what-I’m-about-to-hear expression and shrugs nonchalantly.

“I did not say anything.”

He sees both of their scrunched expressions and forces down his grin.

“What? What do you mean?” says Rose, eyebrows creased in confusion.

“I did not have to use any words,” Ilya says, casual as can be.

“Oh my god,” says Shane, hiding his face again.

“But—but you just said that you were very clear. How did you, um—“

Rose has the most expressive face, Ilya could completely see why she was an actress.

Ilya shrugs again.

“I didn’t need to use any words. We were in the shower after a photoshoot at a rink, and I see that Shane is interested in me, so I turn to him and show him that I am interested too, put on a little show for him—a big show, actually—and baby teenage Shane immediately says ‘okay yes, please, I want that for rest of my life, thank you.’ See? Is easy.”