I Belong To The Future

His hangover the next morning is thankfully mild. The emotional hangover - he's pretty sure he shed a few tears while hugging Sveta goodnight, how pathetic - is much worse.

Still, Ilya keeps the blinds drawn and the lights low as he goes through his morning routine. He eats is breakfast in a distracted daze, mind running through memories of last night (he didn't cry in front of the taxi driver, too, did he?). It takes him a few moments to notice that his phone is ringing.

He glances down and nearly drops it in surprise.

Shane is calling.

Ilya has the phone by his ear before he can even stop to think.

There's silence on the other end.

"...Hello?" he says uncertainly.

There's a shaky breath and then a soft, "Hi."

Embarrassingly, Ilya's throat feels tight already.

"Hi," Shane says again. His voice is tinny and far away and Ilya misses him so much it aches. "I, um. Sorry. I know we don't really call but it's been a weird night."

Ilya does a quick calculation in his head. "It is still night for you, Hollander."

"I guess so, yeah." Shane laughs. "I just got home, and I realized it would be morning for you and I just - I wanted to talk to you."

Ilya's heart is pounding. This has to be a good sign, right? Shane wouldn't call in the middle of the night just to tell him he never wants to see him again.

Shane clears his throat. "I wanted to apologize, first of all. About Vegas. And about not responding to your text."

Ilya is shaking his head before he realizes that Shane can't see him. "Don't. I should be apologizing. I didn't mean to push you like that."

There's a long silence.

Then, "I'm glad you did. What you said... I needed to hear it."

Ilya doesn't know how to interpret that, can't read Shane over the phone like this.

"I thought about it after you left," Shane continues. "What I really want. If I'm happy. I don't think I've done that in... fuck, maybe ever. Not since I decided I wanted to be a professional hockey player."

Ilya laughs, because God. That is so Shane.

"I think - I think we could be happy. Together." Shane's voice is quiet but steady. Ilya's hand curls, itching with the need to touch him. "I want us to try, at least."

"I want that, too," Ilya says thickly.

Shane lets out a shuddering breath. "Fuck. Okay. Good, that's - good."

"So you and Brian - ?"

"I tried breaking it off," Shane says, and Ilya is flooded with relief for a moment before his brain snags on the word 'tried'. "Last week. I invited him over to end it. I was so sure that I didn't want to be together anymore, I don't know how I let him change my mind." He laughs, a bitter sound. "Bad habit, I guess. I don't know, I had a whole speech prepared. It threw me off when he showed up with a black eye."

Ilya winces. "Ah. I'm sorry about that."

He's not, really, but it feels like the thing to say.

"Sorry about what?"

"About... punching him?"

"Ah." He hears Shane exhaling slowly. "That's not - he told me something else."

This surprises Ilya. He would have figured Brian would relish in the opportunity to make him look like a violent thug.

"He tried to punch me first," Ilya offers.

"Of course he did," Shane mutters. "That's - I'm getting off topic."

"Sorry," Ilya says, more sincerely this time.

"I met someone tonight," Shane says, and Ilya's heart seizes before he continues, "Rose. She kind of... talked sense into me. I didn't realize how bad things have been with Brian until she laid it all out."

Ilya is glad for it but also, "I told you he was an asshole many years ago."

"Can't imagine why I might have thought you'd have an ulterior motive," Shane says dryly.

This is fair.

"But you will break up with him now," Ilya says, not quite as confidently as he'd like.

"I want to," Shane says. His voice has gone tight. "I'm just scared."

Ilya feels cold. "He would hurt you?"

"I'd kick his ass if he tried." It calms Ilya's heart, how quickly and certainly Shane says it. "But I don't trust my own judgment, I guess. I don't think he could change my mind again, but I didn't think he could the first time, either."

"I'll come with you."

The offer has left Ilya's lips before he can think twice. But he means it, truly.

"You'll come with me?" Shane repeats, baffled. "To break up with my boyfriend?"

Right. Maybe this is a strange suggestion. "Or I will be close by. For moral support."

"But you're in Russia."

"I will be back in..." Ilya hesitates, calculating the shortest possible amount of time it would take him to put all his affairs in order, "four days."

"Really?"

"Really," Ilya says. He will have to look up flights as soon as he hangs up. "If this is alright?"

"Are you sure? You must have other plans."

Ilya waves his hand. "Nothing that can't wait."

"If you're sure," Shane says. His voice is shaking, a little bit.

Soleil is a massive, three-story club, its tall windows tinted and the entrance corded off with velvet ropes. A well-dressed bouncer pulls one aside as soon as he sees Shane, ushering him inside with a nod and a "Good evening, Captain."

The theatricality of it all is kind of ridiculous, but Shane can see why it would appeal to the guys.

Shane passes by the dance floor quickly, noticing a few of his teammates in the crowd. There are a lot of very pretty people around, some of whom Shane recognizes and a few he can even place.

JJ is standing by the bar and he pulls Shane into a crushing hug when he sees him.

"Fucking finally," he says, ruffling Shane's hair. Shane laughs and shoves him off. "Vegas must have worn you out, huh?"

Shane shrugs and doesn't answer.

"Everyone has been waiting for you, mon capitaine. You know who came up to me ten minutes ago just to ask if you'd be here?" JJ leans in, hand on Shane's shoulder. "Rose fucking Landry!"

Shane perks up, stomach fluttering. "Wait, really?"

Rose Landry is an actual A-list movie star. Shane's seen three of her films on flights this year. It's rumored that she may be cast in the next X-Squad movie.

And she asked to see him?

"I will take you to her," JJ says, grinning. "You hit it off with her, I hit it off with her friend Vanessa Long, we all leave this club happy."

It's not the first time JJ's tried to wingman for him - Shane doesn't give him a lot of opportunities but he grabs the ones he gets - but for once Shane doesn't mind. Not if it means he gets to meet Rose Landry.

"Hell yeah, lead the way."

When JJ said Rose Landry wanted to meet him, Shane sort of figured it was to congratulate him on the cup and maybe ask for a nice photo op for social media.

But no, she asks Shane to sit in her booth and talk, and she seems genuinely thrilled when he agrees. Her friend Vanessa and JJ join in the conversation for all of five minutes before JJ whisks her off to the dance floor, and then it's just Rose and Shane.

Shane's expecting it to be awkward but somehow, it's not. They talk for over an hour and when Rose gets sick of people coming up to them in the crowded club, they move to one of the private lounges upstairs and keep talking there.

Rose is easy to get along with, personable and warm in a way that can't be faked. She tells him about her childhood and her family, and asks all the right questions in return. It's the most carefree, fun conversation Shane has had in a while.

It kind of makes him wish he was into women, which is a thought Shane doesn't entertain too often. It feels like a betrayal of what he has with Brian.

But it does make him wonder - does Rose think he's flirting with her?

He gets his answer about two minutes later when she reaches across the table, taking his hand in hers and giving him a shy smile that would surely melt any straight guy's heart.

Shane pulls back gently. "Um. I'm sorry, I'm not -"

"Oh." Rose straightens. "No problem, obviously. Do you have a girlfriend?"

"Uh."

"Or a boyfriend," Rose adds. "I won't judge."

It's an obvious joke - haha, the gay star athlete, imagine that - but Shane can't react quickly enough to laugh it off. He freezes instead, stomach twisting tightly.

"Oh," Rose says again, voice soft and eyes wide. "That's - that's really not a problem."

Shit. This is so bad.

"Please don't tell anyone," Shane begs quietly.

"I won't," Rose promises. "I know what that kind of secret getting out could do to a person, believe me."

She's a stranger. Shane has no reason to trust her, so he doesn't know why her reassurances work so well to calm his racing heart.

"I really didn't - I'm so sorry, that was insensitive of me to joke about. I didn't mean to corner you."

"You didn't, you just surprised me." Shane manages a stiff smile, cheeks burning hot with embarrassment. "People don't normally consider I might be, um."

For fuck's sake, he can't even say it out loud.

Rose nods in understanding. "I get it. I kind of got the impression your friend was trying to set us up. I'm guessing he doesn't know?"

"Almost no one does," Shane admits. "Just two, uh, two people. But I've slept with them both, so. Not sure that completely counts."

"Sounds lonely."

"I guess." Shane shrugs. "I'm used to it."

Rose hums. "So, do you have a boyfriend?"

She's only the second person to ever ask him that. She sounds pleasantly curious, and Shane really wishes he could enjoy it. Sharing this piece of himself with someone who doesn't seem to want anything other than to know him a little bit better.

But the question lands uncomfortably instead. Yes, Shane thinks and, I'm only here, talking to you, because I didn't want to see him tonight.

"Oh," Rose says after the silence stretches on for too long. She leans in, looking interested. "Is it complicated?"

Shane grimaces. "Um. No, not really. Or kind of?"

"Well, it doesn't sound simple."

"I have a boyfriend," Shane says. Whispers, almost, even though they're alone in the room and the door is closed. "It's just... things have been weird lately."

"You could tell me about it, if you want?" Rose suggests. "I've been told I'm a pretty good listener and it doesn't sound like you've got many people to talk to."

Something in Shane aches at that. He does want to tell her - tell someone - about Brian and Ilya and the whole mess Shane has made of everything. How many times in the past year (past decade, really) has he wished for someone to talk to?

"You really can't tell anyone."

Rose mimes zipping her lips shut. "Your secrets are safe with me."

It's actually crazy that Shane is even considering this but it's so tempting, to let someone in.

"I, uh, I started seeing this guy when I was sixteen."

He keeps going, laying it all out. Every messy detail, even the things that have him burning with shame speaking them out loud. It's like once he's started he can't stop, like he's purging himself of every secret shoved down deep in his chest the past eight years, and it's ugly and painful but it also feels like a fucking mountain lifting off his shoulders.

Rose stays quiet while he speaks, nodding along. When Shane tells her about his first time with Ilya (without saying his name, because that secret isn't his to share) she gasps and he has to look away, already feeling scraped raw without having to see her reactions.

Deafening silence settles between them once Shane is finished speaking. He finally dares to look back up and Rose is staring contemplatively into her drink.

She lifts it, taking a delicate sip, and then says, "Okay. I'm gonna tell you something you might not like, but I think you need to hear it."

Oh, God. She's gonna tell him to block Ilya, isn't she?

"Brian is an asshole."

Shane blinks. "Oh. Um, isn't that a little harsh?"

"It's not," Rose says adamantly. "It's actually nowhere near harsh enough but I don't think you're ready for the full rant yet."

"You haven't even met him," Shane protests. He ignores how automatic and rote the defense sounds even to his own ears. "Maybe what I told you didn't make him sound great, but there's more to him."

"Did you lie about any of it?"

"No," Shane says, because what would be the point?

"Okay." Rose nods. "You're right, I haven't met him. I'm sure he can seem genuinely sweet and loving at times."

"He is."

"But let's lay out the facts." Rose holds up a finger. "Number one, he corners you drunk and alone at a party when you're sixteen and he is a fully grown adult."

"I wasn't that drunk-"

"Number two, even after you tell him your age he still wants to keep seeing you." She tilts her head, giving him a wry smile. "Let me guess, he told you that you were mature for your age?"

Shane's stomach tightens. He feels vaguely sick and Rose moves on without waiting for confirmation.

"Number three, he doesn't respect your chosen field of work and in the five years you've been playing professionally he's only bothered showing up for two games."

"He showed up to my last game," Shane says, because it's true. Maybe Brian hasn't always made an effort but he's doing it now. That has to count for something, right?

"After he realized you might be interested in another guy," Rose points out. "Which brings me to number four, he pressures you into opening the relationship and you agree to it because you're afraid he might dump you otherwise."

She grimaces and adds, "And I'm sorry but in my experience, 'I want to open the relationship' usually means they've found someone else they want to fuck or they're already doing it."

Shane's heart sinks. He feels numb all over, like he's standing outside of his body.

Already doing it. The thought never crossed his mind. Maybe it should have.

"Number five," Rose continues. Merciless or merciful, Shane hasn't decided, because he doesn't like hearing this but he's starting to think he really, really needs to, "He gives you the silent treatment after every fight, knowing you've got no one else to turn to.

"Number six..." she hesitates. "It, um... it doesn't sound like you were ready when you guys started having sex. And that maybe he pressured you?"

Shane wants to deny that. He can't.

"So, yeah." Rose shrugs apologetically. "Asshole doesn't really begin to cover it."

Hearing her list it all out like that, simple, matter-of-fact, it makes Shane want to throw up. It makes him angry, that same hot, bubbling feeling in his chest he felt in Vegas when Brian showed up unannounced.

That same anger that Brian talked him down from so expertly, so thoroughly that he actually convinced Shane to give him another chance.

Even though Shane doesn't even love him anymore.

Shane buries his face in his hands. "I'm such an idiot."

"No!" Rose says, immediate and sharp. She reaches across the table, placing her hand on Shane's arm. "You're not an idiot, Shane. You put your trust in someone who said they love you, that's not stupid. That's brave."

Shane isn't sure he believes her but he nods, lowering his hands. Rose gives him a brilliant smile, thumb caressing his arm.

"But I think you know what you need to do now."

Shane nods again. His mouth feels dry, heart pounding. "And, um. The other guy?"

"He sounds good for you. But," Rose adds, squeezing his arm for emphasis, "you should probably stay single for a bit. You don't want to waste a guy that nice on a rebound."

Unknowingly or not, she's probably the first person to ever describe Ilya Rozanov as nice. It makes Shane smile, because she's not wrong.

"Besides, you're not dumping Brian for him. You're doing it for yourself."

Shane draws in a shuddering breath. "Right."