Scooty That Booty

for the first like 14 years of my life i thought that the story of saint valentine and valentines day were a celebration of a massive gay polyamorous marriage and let me tell you, i was sorely disappointed when i learned i had massively misunderstood that story

once u have a pet for a while u run out of normal sentences to say to them and u have to make up more sentences on the spot. Currently telling my dog about his upcoming position as an accountant. they’re hiring him because he’s soooo little. so he has to be an accountant.

It’s funny how sacabambaspis is like the funniest looking animal in every hypothetical except for that one picture that makes me feel like I’m about to be killed

Happy 618th anniversary of the day King Taejong fell from his horse!

Happy 619th anniversary to the day King Taejong fell from his horse!

happy 620th anniversary of the day a king fell off his horse everybody

oh my goodness, one of dian fossey’s first close up observations with gorillas happened when she was trying to climb a tree to see them better, but so badly that by the time she’d gotten up the entire group had come out of hiding to look at her: “Nearly all members of the group had totally exposed themselves, forgetting about hiding coyly behind foliage screens because it was obvious to them that the observer had been distracted by tree-climbing problems, an activity they could understand.”

hello, fellow apes

[Image transcript: porch. The group had been day-nesting and sunbathing when I contacted them, but upon my approach they nervously retreated to obscure themselves behind thick foliage. Frustrated but determined to see them better, I decided to climb a tree, not one of my better talents. The tree was particularly slithery and, try as I might, no amount of puffing, pulling, gripping, or clawing succeeded in getting me more than a few feet aboveground. Disgustedly, I was about to give up when Sanwekwe came to my aid by giving one mighty boost to my protruding rump; tears were running from his eyes as he was convulsed in silent laughter. I felt as inept as a baby taking its first step. Finally able to grab on to a conveniently placed branch, I hauled myself up into a respectful semislouch position in the tree about twenty feet from the ground. By this time I naturally assumed that the combined noises of panting, cursing, and branch-breaking made during the initial climbing attempts must have frightened the group on to the next mountain. I was amazed to look around and find that the entire group had returned and were sitting like front row spectators at a sideshow. All that was needed to make the image complete were a few gorilla-sized bags of popcorn and some cotton candy! This was the first live audience I had ever had in my life and certainly the least expected.]

imagine some freakish not-a-human alien THING has shown up out of nowhere and is trying to get into your office building to study you. but it has no idea how to get past a revolving door. it tries for three hours. by the time it finally understands the concept of a revolving door and squeeze into the building everyone in the office is crowded into the lobby to watch and call helpful suggestions. it’s conclusively determined that the alien is definitely not a threat, except maybe to itself.

happy anniversary to the great molasses flood

Backwards egg

Are you trying to tell me the centre of an egg is a cookie?

Are you trying to tell me that eggshells are made of milk?

I DONT UNDERSTAND THIS PICTURE AT ALL

Egg

OH

he's a stand-up comedian btw. y'all should go follow his socials he's amazing

This is the exact energy of someone telling you a story at the bar.

I’m a magician in the sheets 😏 *pulls a rabbit out of my pussy*

-Mary Toft, 1726

Hold on I need to look something up

What

yeah. sorry