We Were Lovers

True ☺️

Taking a break from this blog now as I’m far from single, and the description of this blog is indeed “the dating log of a late 20-something year old single…woman”.

“To be vulnerable and be 100% honest about my deepest thoughts” is exactly what I did last night with J. I told him everything from my heart… about how I have this strong gut feeling that he’s the one (I didn’t directly say this but he got it), how I feel safe and comfortable to tell him exactly what I’m thinking, how I’ve never felt this safe and comfortable to tell someone things from my heart, how I fear he will get bored of me since he jumped into a new relationship so quickly — of which, he laughed and was like “really!!?? You think I’ll get BORED of you??? I’ll never get bored of you… maybe in like 50 years, haha! But you’ll never bore me!”, how he must think I’m crazy for having such strong gut feelings after only knowing him for a month — but he doesn’t think I’m crazy… he said I’m just speaking from my heart and that it’s good I’m able to…

He knows that I wanted to say “I love you” the other day. Our definitions of love are different. His definition of love is the same as R’s: love is an accumulation of things – that we have to go through a lot together to really love someone… trial and conflict, loving your partner’s close friends and family, travelling together… he added that one month is not enough to decide whether he loves me or not. He said we haven’t even had our first fight yet. I told him that we’re both very compromising people so I don’t think we’d ever really fight. He joked that maybe our first fight will be when we’re on vacation together. And then said that maybe we will never fight.

I dunno. I feel so vulnerable right now. I nearly cried last night. And he knew it. He told me to cry in his arms. I just kept looking towards the corner of my apt. And at one point I turned my back to him. He asked me if I was turning away so he could spoon me or because I wanted some space. I didn’t answer, and so he got off my bed to kneel on the ground to look at me. Ugh. He is so mature and so sweet. He even said he could cry with me. Every time I look at him lovingly, I think to myself “shit, this may very well be my future husband.” Him, on the other hand, probably thinks “wow, this woman is so amazing and such a sweetheart and beautiful” instead of “damn, I might very well be looking at the woman I’ll spend the rest of my life with”.

I told him everything from the bottom of my heart. I’ve never been that brutally honest with someone before. And I told him that. I said that I feel very safe to be so honest and say things from my heart.

As written in my journal as a 24 year old in August 2014, and all thoughts I deem still true till this day❤️:

- you’d do anything to be with that person. All the time spent with that person is so precious, even if it’s via technological sources

- that person is an extension of yourself. You feel everything that person feels

- you’d make sure that person is happy. And if he/she’s not, you’d do anything to make him/her feel better

- you’d love that person no matter what circumstances

- you think long-term. You imagine/ think about how that person fits into your life 2-5 years from now

- you’re there to listen. To everything: rants, mundane details of their day, stresses...everything

- you don’t ever criticize them and you support their dreams and ambitions

- you want to learn everything about them. All their hobbies, favorite things, childhood, secrets, etc.

- you’re there for them all the time, even if you’re busy. You’re willing to step outside to hear them out

- they are #1 priority -> if you’re engaged/married

Is there such thing as being insanely happy? I think so because that’s exactly how I feel right now / have been feeling. J makes me feel like I’m high on drugs, but in a very healthy sustainable way. He texted me earlier this afternoon and asked me to see furniture with him and then we got dinner after. I was surprised but so excited to see him that I literally counted down the minutes till when I’d see him (even down to 15 minutes!). I guess that’s love. Or the honeymoon phase which I think could last a long time with him. I’ve seriously never felt this “insanely happy” before. I feel super happy when we’re physically apart and when I think about him. I feel this extreme happiness when I fall asleep next to him and when I wake up alone without him by my side.

We went to my fav noodle place for dinner and ordered drinks. I toasted to “you having 5 negronis on our first date”. He laughed and said “ummm how about I toast to our RELATIONSHIP!?” Then he said that it’s been two days (since the officiality of our relationship) and asked me when should be our anniversary date 🤗

Me: I know. I never imagined that I’d be in a relationship right now.

Me: what are you thinking about?

J: you.

Me: in what context?

J: you’re deep. Like you can have deep conversations, and I really like that about you.

Me: what else?

Building a foundation for a potential relationship begins first and foremost with a choice. Perhaps we need a new term for this process, one I’d like to coin as conscious unsingle-ing. It starts with a decision you make to invest in someone, to focus on building with that person, and thinking for ‘we’ instead of ‘myself’. It’s a decision to open up and make space for that person, to be vulnerable, to feeling the fear of rejection and potential heartache but surrendering anyway – because it’s worth it. Because that person is worth it. Creating a healthy, happy relationship does not just happen by chance, it’s a series of conscious decisions.

—- Last night, J deleted his dating apps from his phone in front of me. We talked about how neither of us have met other people or are seeing anyone else…😬

Today, J and I met up during the day for lunch near his office (and my coworking space). It was really nice. We went to a causal Chinese fast food restaurant and then went for a walk in Central Park. He walked me to my office, gave me a tight hug, kissed me and said “we should do this more often.”

😊😊😊😊

I wore my usual herkimer diamond ring on my wedding ring finger. He has seen this ring in several photos and always pointed out how much it looks like an engagement ring, and I have commented before how it’s too small to be a real engagement ring. During our walk earlier today, I pointed out the ring because it was his first time seeing it in person. He exclaimed “so basically, it looks like we’re engaged!” I laughed and shrugged then said “well, it’s pretty small so it makes you look like a cheap ass” 🤣😂😅 He laughed and said “great”. Haha. He for sure is not a cheap ass, but this convo was so cute.

Reading these kind of articles because for some reason, I feel like pulling away out of fear. Why do I do this to myself!? Even though I know J has pure intentions, but I felt that way about S the Israeli, and he fucked me over just like every other guy had...

1. She’s not going to be used to being someone’s girlfriend.

When someone’s been single for a long enough time they don’t even know how to be someone’s girlfriend or how to act. All she’s known in the past are a compilation of relationships that led to dead ends for reasons she still might not understand.

6. She’ll pull away out of fear and question you.

She’s afraid of something too good to be true. Her past has taught her to be guarded and has really high walls. It’s up to you to counter that and be the example of someone she can trust.

8. She won’t lose herself to a relationship ever.

She’s made the mistake of making a relationship too much of a priority that she learned better. She’s lost herself to exes and she learned never to do that again.

Of the qualities, you’ll admire most about her is her independence and the fact she doesn’t need a relationship but she’s choosing one is what will set her apart.

Being single isn’t unfamiliar. That’s their comfort zone. What’s pushing them out of it is commitment and relationships and labels.

12. She’ll love you as hard as she knows how to.

One of the New York Times article questions is “What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?” J’s answer started with “first waking up to someone I love...” and my description of a perfect day did not include a significant other 😂 I said something like “sleeping in till noon, doing a brief session of yoga, making breakfast at home, and going to the park to read and then getting dinner with a friend.”

But I think yesterday was pretty much a ‘perfect day’. We stayed in bed till a little past noon. He’d inch closer and kiss my forehead or give me a peck on the lips and caress my arms and scalp. We spent the morning waking up and falling back asleep and cuddling, stroking each other’s back and arm, and holding hands. It was really sweet. I asked him if his friends know about me. He said he told them that I’m “very independent, I have my own company...” among other nice things I wish I could remember. He told his little brother about me too. He asked if I told my friends and how I described him. I said I told them he’s “really sweet, respectful, has a good job, considerate and kind, is caring and super cute, and is 26”. I then showed him all the apps on my phone and explained each one because he said that I have a lot of apps on my phone, lolz. I felt proud that tinder is no longer one of those apps. I haven’t signed into for almost a week.

The more I think about my ideal partnership, the more I think that monogamy could work out for me. I haven’t had the desire to meet other men at all. I usually want to date multiple guys at once but I don’t want to this time. J fulfills me in many aspects, I think. As long as I’m sexually satisfied, then I’ll be good. J is wholesome and well-rounded. He’s analytical and logical but also creative and has interests in art. He’s so caring and kind and attentive. And he came out of nowhere. He has surprised me in so many ways, and at first, I didn’t think this would go anywhere. Tomorrow we have date six! And Wednesday will be three weeks since we first met.

After cuddling and giggling some more, we had sex for, what felt like a long time. It was amazing and sweet. For once in a very long time, I felt so connected to someone I was having sex with. I typically feel nothing during sex except for pure physical pleasure. But this felt kinda special 😊 He smiled a lot during it and said that he likes to see me happy...or maybe he said “I like to make you happy”. Shit. He is such a good guy. After I came three times and he came inside me while I rode on top, I laid on his shoulder for a few minutes and then we got up to brush our teeth and turn on the shower. I washed his hair and he washed mine. And we soaped each other up. His for me was so intimate. He even cleaned my ass 😅