If you're still around on here and see this, just know I'm sorry for everything and sorry that I won't be around to do everything we talked about....idk if you'd even consider it with me now or not, but that's irrelevant now insuppose....so I'm just going to disappear, be alone and not get involved with anyone ever again, as all I do is screw up things and people's lives....

Been trying to avoid this place, been doing pretty good at it up until a day or so ago. Got some news from a friend and it put my right back down at the bottom of the spiral again. It's really astonishing how many times I've tried to get better.... Only to fail... All I know is how to be alone. Everything I do is wrong and upsets/pushes people away or I ghost. I was really hoping this time it would be different, finally be able to be alone in peace, then I get a text from a friend I haven't talked to in a few years. They are engaged, and while I'm happy for them, it makes me realize just how much of a loser I really am. Everyone of my friends/family have someone, a family, or at least their own place. I'm nearly 40 and don't have anything to call my own... How did I fuck up my life this bad??? I always thought it would turn around for me. Tried taking a leap of faith several times, but nothing ever works in my favor. Now I lay here in bed, in the pitch black, with only my thoughts to keep me company. Creating unobtainable scenarios, time after time, in my head. Why am I like this?

If you still think of her, call her. She'll answer. If you deleted her number message her.

By any chance are you single?

All I do is end up hurting people I care about. I can't keep doing this, being alone is one thing, but trying to make everyone else feel the same way is pathetic...I don't know what I'm going to do, but I know something has to change. If that means me deleting everything and just staying to myself, then that's what I'll have to do....I'm truly lost and have no idea where I'm headed...