Tranisitioning Into Life

What is PCOS? Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. However, not everyone who has PCOS deals with cysts. PCOS is an hormone imbalance disorder. PCOS can be different in every woman that has it. For example, I have PCOS and I do deal with cysts on my ovaries. Most women do get these cysts but for most the cysts dissolve painlessly, however for myself they grow and grow until they burst which can bedridden me for a week or so. PCOS also messes with my weight. No matter what I try I gain weight and then I struggle to loose weight, I also deal with unpredictable periods. I could go months without a period. However, I know women that also have PCOS but they don’t get the cysts, they don’t gain weight, but they do get facial hair and/or they have their periods for months at a time. Can you imagine that? Bleeding for MONTHS!!

PCOS affects 1 in 10 women, it is not often talked about and has very little research funding's (I’m talking less than 0.02% of medical research funding's goes towards PCOS). When people often see a woman with PCOS we tend to be automatically judged. People that don’t have PCOS have absolutely no idea how hard it is to live with PCOS.

For instance, I am one of the healthiest eaters you will meet. I can work out 1 to 2 hours a day 3 to 6 days of the week and I remain the same size. When people see me, even some “family”, they just see an overweight girl. The first thing they tell me is I need to be more discipline with my gluttony, I am far from a glutton gut. I’m told I need to go to the gym, okay lets go but your probably going to call it quits before I do? I may not run but I lift weights, I dance, I bike, and then I chase two toddlers around all day. If there’s yard work that needs to be done I can be outside for three hours a day doing hard yard work, heavy lifting and all the good stuff. I am not overweight because I am unfit. I am overweight for something I cannot control. Yes, there’s pills out there. The only thing is, those pills are not 100%. Due to the very low funding for PCOS research all the pills are complete trial and error. Forgive me for not wanting to risk throwing my hormones into another rollercoaster.

Even though I know this, I have a hard time when I am judged for my weight, especially when “family” throw it at me as ammo. I am trying to learn how to dress for my body type to where I feel good about myself, to where I can feel pretty.

I have battled with PCOS since I was 13. I did pretty good with controlling my PCOS before it got out of hand. I was a healthy size 7 with all the right curves until I turned 20. When I was 19 I got really sick with an infection of the equilibrium. This illness made it hard for me to dance, workout, climb stairs, hell I couldn’t even get a gallon of milk out of my fridge without passing out. Around this time is when PCOS started taking over my body even more. In about 4 years time my body went from being size 7 and 135lbs with all the right curves to size 18 and 248lbs. I was miserable and criticized myself up for it. I got mad at myself for something I could not control. However, I have been able to get back down to size 14 and 195lbs. It only took almost 2 years! I have been at a stand still for the past 6 months now. I have seen a nationalist to see if it was something to do with what I eat. She was very impressed with my food journal and made it clear to me it had nothing to do with what I was doing, that it was all due to my hormone imbalance.

I am far from interesting, but I didn’t live a dull life either. My life was hectic, sad and slightly pathetic. I didn’t grow up easy, I had to mature faster than everyone else around me. Live in the shadows, try to keep myself together which was very difficult. I wanted to be loved, to feel loved. I wanted to be someone else besides who I was, actually there are times I still wish I was someone else. I often slip into a great depression because of my upbringing and wonder if I should’ve made different choices than I did when I ran away after I graduated high school.

Where would I be today if ____? But then again I am sure we all feel like this at some point or another. There are times where I wonder “why do I even try anymore?”, “why do I even keep a blog? I’m no one special!” Hell, my birth mother was manipulated in giving me up when I was around 5 years old but I grew up believing she freely and willingly gave me up, my birth father is still a mystery, my adoptive family didn’t even want me anymore which was very clear during my upbringing. Most of my relationships cheated on me, most of my ‘friends’ stabbed me in the back constantly. Who am I to keep a blog? I have no followers, I pretty much use it to empty my burdens since I have no one I can call and talk to. My husband is always else where, even when he’s home he’s not mentally here. I try talking to him about it but he never understands. He’s so closed off emotionally that it’s extremely difficult. I have moved around so much over the last 7 years to where it’s hard to make friends, the friends I have made quickly forgets about me shortly after I move away. I don’t even have that one ‘childhood friend’, I feel empty. I have two beautiful babies but they’re still so young that you can’t have a conversation with them and I will never have a pour out with them, I would never want to burden them with the burdens I carry everyday. It’s not their fault so why bring them down.

I often wonder if I have been cursed. Was I cursed at birth for something that I haven’t done, for something I didn’t have control over? What did I do to deserve this emptiness? I’m sorry if this post reads like a “self-pity party” but I have to get it all off my chest. As I don’t have anyone to take the time and listen to me I !figured what’s the harm to post it in my blog.

My childhood wasn’t a happy one. I didn’t have loving and understanding parents. My “parents” took me away from a loving mother and manipulated the system so they could do it “legally” but they never really actually cared about my well-being. They just took me to torture my mother and then tortured me. As a parent you are suppose to be there for your child, to encourage them, boost their confidence. Instead, I got constantly torn down, making straight A’s wasn’t enough for them, working full-time and going to high school wasn’t enough for them (I NEVER saw my paychecks), being involved in several clubs at school wasn’t enough, being the perfect teenager wasn’t good enough, nothing I ever did was enough. I had one teacher I met freshman year that saw me, saw my pain, saw my potential, she became like a grandmother to me which was awesome as I never had one. She became my mentor, the person I could go to during lunch to talk to, to cry to. She introduced me to theater and FCCLA. I thrived in those fields so much to where every year I went to state finals in competitions, won honorable-mentioned actress at UILs, even received a scholarship to one of the BEST acting academies in the states.

After graduation I moved to Los Angeles, that’s the only place I ever felt at home. The only mistake I made was coming home for Christmas. I thrived in Los Angeles, I was making a 4.0 GPA in my courses, I landed roles with Modern Family and when I was to come back in January I was going to be signed into a contract with them for a permanent role. But I went home for Christmas. When I got off the plain I was GLOWING, I was CONFIDENT, I was so happy with myself, I LOVED the fact that my dreams were coming true. I had friends that cared for me, they became family to me (I miss them so much). I was to be home for two weeks, TWO WEEKS! It took only two weeks for my “family”  to CRUSH ME DOWN, to take what took eight months for me to build. They MANIPULATED ME to stay home. AND I FELL FOR IT!!! I stupidly fell for their tricks! It only took me a month to catch on to what they did. I immediately started working two full-time jobs, one night and one day! I was to be home at a certain time, pay for the groceries, drive my siblings around, and again I never saw my paychecks. I couldn’t even hangout with friends. So I arranged to start school again in August except only I didn’t get to go back to Los Angeles, they weren’t going to help me get back there and drained my checks to where I couldn’t save to go. So I went to a college only 2 hours away.

I went to college and finally could breathe again. Finally started to be happy again. That November I told them I wasn’t moving back for winter breaks or summer breaks. I was going to get an apartment close to campus. They HATED that, they started taking money out of my savings account. The money I had for my deposit and a few months of bills. I never thought they would do that to me. How foolish I was. I was sick, like really sick. I had a brain infection of the equilibrium. They took me off their insurance as soon as they found out, leaving me without the way of getting proper care. I was in college, my jobs didn’t have to offer me insurance because I didn’t work a certain amount of hours. So the illness got worse and I was on my own. My husband and I were only seeing each other for a few months when it got to the point to where the doctor said I wasn’t safe to live on my own. Me not having anyone, my husband immediately offered to move in with me. He has literally saved my life so many times. If it wasn’t for him I would not be alive today.

My illness kept getting worse. His grandparents invited us to move into their guest house in Houston so he could get a good job and I could see good doctors. It took eight months to get better.  

Since I have been with him, more and more secrets of my “family” started to come out to where they lost custody of my little sister who is now living happily with our birth mother. That “family” blocked all communication with me a year ago now, they try to contact me when it best suits them and it’s never to ask me how I’m doing, how my kids are. No, It’s ALWAYS to start quarrels. To talk crap about my siblings, to talk crap about my husband, to talk crap about my birth mother! TO PUT ME DOWN!!! I know my siblings aren’t perfect, I know my husband isn’t perfect, I know my birth mom isn’t perfect, I know I’m not perfect but the stuff they bring up are always twisted. It’s constantly thrown in my face how I hid things from them, how I ran away but when you try to tell them why I hid things, why I ran away they don’t want to hear it! IT’S ALWAYS MY FAULT! I was abused mentally, emotionally and physically, but it was my fault. If I sat down and wrote down the stuff I was punished for you would laugh, you would be confused as hell for how what I did was wrong! I was not a bad kid! Actually, I was far from it! I left relationships because they were ready to go “all the way”, I hid in the corners of the hallways, I made straight A’s and worked full-time, I was extremely involved in church. I was ALWAYS BUSY, never had time for friends. Hardly ever went on dates. Hell, I went to college on the weekend while I was in school, working full-time, involved in clubs, involved in church. I graduated high school with a 3.75 GPA with 30 credits in college! I was the perfect teenage girl but that wasn’t enough!

So here I am, turning 25 years old in a few months. Feeling like whatever I do isn’t enough, feeling empty, unaccomplished, scared to death of what the future holds.

To whoever helped make me,

I don’t know who you are and you don’t know of me but I am your daughter. As long as I can remember I have been searching for you. I know it is not you fault because you are innocent in all this. I hang onto the idea that if you knew about me you would’ve been there for me, you would’ve been in my life and helped take care of me. I can’t help but picture what it would have been like to be “daddy’s girl”, to have an actual father-daughter relationship.

At first growing up I was told my father was this man named Frank. I had a collage of him, him at his wedding with who I believed to be my stepmom and his sister who I was told I may grow up to look like. I saw his wife often and who I believed to be my brother and sister. Now, I never actually met Frank because he had gone to prison when I was young but later as I got older I was told he was not my father, that the paternity test was negative.

So naturally as I got older I asked more and more questions. I became to learn that there was around 5 men tested and all came back negative. Now I am unsure if that number is correct or not as I was told that by my grandmother who is known to exaggerate anything that would make my mom to look bad.

In the fall of 2016, just a few months after I had my youngest, I had started asking questions again. With those questions answered I came to learn a name and the search was on. I found his social media accounts and his address which was in a different state, so I reached out. He accepted my requested and even offered to pay for the paternity test after getting to know each other for a week. When the test results came back that there was 0 possibility that he was my father my heart broke.

I’m tired of having to ask questions and I am tired of the heart breaks. So I decided to stop looking. However there are some days where I can’t help but wonder what it would have been like to be a “daddy’s girl”!

So to whoever you are, where ever you are, I pray your life has been filled with joy and love. I pray that one day we will find each other and get to know each other. But until then, I wish you a truly happy life.

With all respects,

For the last six months I have been doing so much research even a questionnaire on a local moms group about the benefits of a MDO program.  I really wanted my child to attend one because I knew it would be super helpful for him with his social skills, speech development and even prepare him for when its time for him to start school. However, I had to talk my husband into it. He’s one of those that if he doesn’t think it’s necessary or contain any benefits than he wasn’t going to pay for it. So I needed proof that it was. Even after I had proof and even with my son’s speech/behavioral therapists telling him they highly recommend it, it was still no easy task. Well, six months later and I finally won. I just got done registering my son in a CDO program down the street and I am so excited for the fall. I am excited to see him blossom, make friends as well as using that time for some one on one time with my youngest. If you’re a SAHM there is no shame in doing this if your family can financially afford it. In our area the MDO/CDO programs range from $150 to even $200 a month for a 2 day program. Yes, I have seen some that offer 3 days but those are almost $100 more a month. Some programs you can enroll your child in as young as 6 months but for our family we decided to wait until they are 3 years old.  If you continue reading I hope it’ll show why I say this. From all the research and questionnaires I’ve done I have gathered that there are three main benefits; Socialization, Prepares Them For School and it Gives Mom A Break. At the very end I will have the links to the articles I got most of my information from, of course I can’t share the info from the questionnaires as they were in closed local mom groups and I respect their privacy. Socialization is very important for growing and developing minds. Why is socialization so important? Through learning how to socialize they learn how to get along with other children, share and how to contribute to ‘circle time’, aka conversation. As most of us know, young children learn through play and socialization. For some children it is hard for them to break out of their shells and open up to other children at the park or any social gathering. However, if you put that same child in a structured setting, like a MDO/CDO program, they end up opening up a lot sooner than what they would at numerous playdates. I am not sure what it is but there is just something about that structured setting. I believe the fact that these programs do a lot of fun, interactive, and learning play into their day that also provides the children many opportunities to socialize with other children. They learn through play and playing is their job. You may discover your child greatly enjoys it and has learned a lot by the end of the day, too! These programs help Prepares Them For School by being exposed to numbers, letters, and shapes. Children that attended a MDO/CDO program or preschool tend to enter kindergarten with better pre-reading skills, a wider vocabulary and even stronger basic math skills than those that did not attend a program. From the questionnaire I did I learned that several moms have noticed how different it is when taking kids to their very first day of school. Those that have gone to MDO programs or a preschool adjust so easily as to those that have never been to a school like setting that freaks out. Several moms that have had a child go to a program and a child that didn’t go to a program wish they had put both kids into a program. Kids that have been into a program are more likely to love and enjoy school starting out than those that did not. Kindergarten teachers will even tell you that the beginning of the school year goes a lot smoother if the majority of their new students have been to a MDO/CDO program or preschool program. Those students are the ones who are ready to learn and shows great social skills as well as behavior-management skills. As a mom, whether you’re a working mom or SAHM, we are constantly working around the clock with our little ones. Cleaning up after them, making sure they aren’t getting into something they’re not suppose to, feed them, change diaper if not potty trained, ask them if they need to pee every 5 minutes if being potty trained, calm them down during meltdowns, feed them, make sure they’re getting along with other siblings, feed them, feed them, oh wait did I mention feed them? My toddlers ask me every 5 minutes for a snack, even if they just had a snack, my kids literally eat more than I do in a day. So this is a great way of Giving Yourself A Break.  Kids R Kids said it best on their website “… it’s essential for moms to have the freedom to give themselves a break. Just like taking consistent breaks in the middle of a workday can increase your productivity and energy levels, so can taking a break from watching your kids 24/7. … If you have ever felt overwhelmed, exhausted, or near your breaking point during the day as you handle dozens of requests from little hands and feet, you are the perfect candidate for a Mother’s Day Out program. When you have a chance to be productive sans children or just find some time to kick back and have some “me-time” you will be amazed at the energy and patience you will acquire.’’ I already made a list of things I can do while my oldest is in a MDO/CDO program. For example, my sons program is Tuesdays and Fridays, on Tuesdays I can thoroughly clean the whole house and catch up on laundry without having to worry about him messing things up, getting into things or terrorizing my youngest. On Fridays I can run any errands I have without hearing him screaming in the backseat because he’s been in his carseat longer than he likes. I can also enjoy some one on one time with my youngest that I got to do with my oldest but haven’t had the chance to do with her yet. I hope this entry will help you understand the benefits as well as help you win the same debate with your husband as I had with mine. Remember ladies, mommin’ is hard and it’s okay to find a break and hey its also beneficial for your child.

It has been exactly 6 months since we moved to our new house 5 hours down the road. Literally had 2 days to pack everything up and move. We knew we were moving soon but did not know for sure when. My husband learned about an awesome job opportunity around January of last year, he even had a few meetings with a recruiter and the CEO of the company around March or April. I cannot remember exactly when as it was almost a year ago. So when we finally learned when we were expected to move it was only a week notice.

My husband left on a Thursday afternoon to look at a list of rental homes in our budget and by Friday afternoon he had the papers signed for our new home. He made his way home around 8 or 9pm Friday night so that left me with a great majority of the packing.

MOVING DAY:

Saturday morning the husband and I woke up a bit early trying to get everything prepared. He left to go get a U-Haul and my step dad brought breakfast. We made sure to finish all the packing and get all the boxes under the carport. My mom was a great help with tending to the kids. Once all the packing was done all that was left was the furniture. We had a few cardboard boxes left so we laid them out flat in the driveway. My mom supervised our 2 year old as he colored the boxes and my 1 year old (it was actually her birthday too) as she played in her jumper.

We then loaded all the furniture first, which wasn't much as all we really had was bed frames, 2 cribs and dressers. We left one of the cribs together to help store some odds and ends that weren't in boxes. Around 1pm we were finally done loading the U-Haul, I have never sweat so much in my life. Literally mid-July in Texas heat. My mom helped me get the kids in the bath so they can clean up after spending a good few hours outside playing. Meanwhile my stepdad was sent to pick up some Little Ceasers. At this time the kids have not had a nap, so when it was time to leave they were freshly bathed, had a tummy full of pizza and was about to have a cup of milk. Since we were preparing for a 5 hour drive, which can easily become longer with fussy children, we split the kids up. My husband took our youngest as he was hauling the trailer and she tends to sleep when the car is moving and I took our son as he HATES his car seat. Since they haven't napped yet and we didn't give them their milk cups until we loaded them in the car they slept almost the entire way! I kept easy grab snacks in the passenger seat and kept the temperature in the car comfortably cool to help make sure he rested longer. He did wake up about an hour before we got there, which was fine as I needed to fuel up the car and a break myself.

It was around 6pm when we finally pulled up into our new driveway. I ended up beating my husband so I was going to have a look around as I have not yet seen the house. I was a bit angered when the lights wouldn't turn on nor the A/C. My husband was infuriated when I told him, especially since the electric company told him the electricity would be turned on that morning. So we opened all the windows, pulled out our daughters jumper and let our oldest play in the back yard as we started to unload the U-Haul. I called a friend of mine who lived in our new town and asked if we could stay the night as she had already agreed to watch the kids the next day as we finished up as much as possible. We unloaded as much as we can until the sun started to set and it became too dark to see in the house.

HERE ARE SOME TIPS:

I did a lot of research about moving with toddlers and a great majority were tips for moving to a house down the road or in the same town. Not many were for moving hours away. So here are the ones that were most useful for us.

1.) De-clutter. When we first heard that my husband got the job we immediately started to go through things. We made a pile for trash, sell, donate and keep. The things we were keeping but weren’t going to use at anytime were immediately packed and put in storage.

2.) Pack a little here and a little there. In May once we learned he got the job but had no idea when they were going to need us we started packing anything that wasn't going to be in need. Yes, this means I was having to do laundry more often. So when we only had a few days to pack everything else up I did most my packing during naptime and after the kids went to bed. At one point I put my daughters favorite show on, put her in her crib with toys and a cup of cheerios while my son was baby-gated in the livingroom with his show, toys and snacks just so I could pack as much as I can in our bedroom before/after their nap.

3.) Ask for help. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Luckily my mom and step-dad was able to help with the kids in keeping them busy but if you are not so lucky don't be afraid to ask for help. If you are part of a church ask around for a “mothers helper” or temp sitter. A mothers helper is great for keeping them busy in your presence and usually it is a teenager or an older woman willing to help and they are usually really affordable. I have used a mothers helper before as well as a temporary babysitter. When we had to uproot when my son was only 10 months old I had a sitter, that I have used in the past for when I had to go to doctor visits and such, watch him over night. Our block had lost power and it was extremely cold so we thought that was the best decision.

4.) Make arrangements as early as you can. When we first learned where we were going to be moving to I immediately took to social media and researched local buy/sell/trade groups, mom groups, even babysitting exchange groups. I introduced myself in the mom groups and babysitting groups, told them how old my babies were and when we were expecting to move their. I was swarmed with welcomed comments and tips even some offers for help once arrival. Have a plan for either a “mothers helper” or even a drop off daycare if moving during the week.

5.) Keep the kids busy. Even if that means packing the tv and/or their toys last, hiring a mothers helper or babysitter, even leaving them at a friends/family members while you load/unload.  This even means not to let them nap until time to load up.

6.) Make sure they are very comfortable. For us the kids are usually the calmest after a nice bath so we bathed them and fed them. Once we saw droopy eyes we loaded them up with their favorite blanket, stuffed animal, and a cup of milk.

7.) Be prepared. This means diaper explosions, screams of being bored or hungry. In both vehicles we had diapers, wipes, change of clothes, their favorite toys at easy reach, and grab-able snacks in the passenger seats.

Since I graduated high school back in 2011 I have moved AT LEAST once a year. The past 18 months have been very trying for my family for many different reasons, welcoming a new baby was one of them. Now, our upcoming trial is getting things packed and ready to go in less than a week.

You see, I am one of those that likes to have a written out plan a head of time. However, when your SO accepts a career changing position you don’t really have a say in when you get the notification of the move. My husband has been talking to this company since January and has had two interviews, one was with the CEO! It’s July and they are FINALLY finalizing the contract. So only have like a weeks notice is quiet nerve wracking for me.

I have Pinterested tips on moving with two toddlers and I’ll be honest with you, a lot of them were about moving down the street or across town. I didn’t see anything about traveling for your move. So, I will be doing trial and error. Luckily, the new town is only approximately four hours away, possibly six with stopping to let them stretch their legs and diaper checks.

Summer time and 4th of July are awesome times to travel with your growing, or completed, family. Get the vehicles cleaned out, everything packed and loaded up, kids safely fastened, drinks with ice in the cooler, and snacks ready to go! Woohoo! Let your 3-4 day weekend begin!!! Uh oh! Someone pooped and the car is filling up with those deadly fumes fast! Quick!!! Find a gas station! 

Get the diaper and wipes ready, grab the pooping machine of a kid and run to the restroom! CRAP!!!! There's no changing station! So then you have two options; 1.) lay a changing pad or blanket on that nasty floor or 2.) load up and go to the gas station down the street surely they would have a changing station. 

So let's say you chose option 2 because well let's face it, that floor was disgusting and you really don't want to sit on that floor to change a poopy diaper. Load back up, drive down the street, and unload once more. OH YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!! Nope, no changing station here either. Do you really want to try one more time? Well there's a Wendy’s next door, maybe I can just do that. Oh, but wait, remember that one time in that one town that Wendy’s didn't have one either. Well crap! 

Parents are faced with this every single day, even when they aren't traveling but they really don't want to go home just to change a diaper because then you won't want to go back out and finish those errands. Parents that have a truck or SUV are some what lucky because then they have an advantage that those other parents, like myself, don't have. In the truck you can drop the tailgate, throw down a blanket and change that pooping machines diaper. In the SUV you can clear out a section and change the diaper there. If you're the parents that has a car what are your options but to keep trying other place or give in and choose nasty Option 1! 

This is an issue that NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED! Personally I feel like every facility that has public restrooms should be REQUIRED to have a changing station in both the women’s AND MEN’S restroom. Now I'm not saying every stall but at least one! I don't mind standing in line to use that one changing station! 

So growing up I went without others had, but I was okay with it because I had plans. I had plans for myself, for my future, and to get out of that town. I'm from a small town outside of Lubbock. A town where I always felt like I didn't belong. I started the local school there in first grade and immediately I knew that I was misplaced. I hated it and nobody understood, nobody tried to understand. I was taken away from my birth mom, from my home, from my school. I was put in the care of a family member, into their home and into a school that if your parents didn't go to school there, well you'd be a nobody. When I was in about third grade I fell in love with music, with singing. I wanted to learn how to play every instrument possible. In middle school, I fell in love with dancing and cheerleading. In high school, I fell in love with theatre. I received a letter in the mail my senior year from this place called AMDA, the American Musical and Dramatic Academy. They were offering me a scholarship but I had to schedule and audition. How they found out about me is still a mystery but I often wonder if it may have been my teacher that led our schools OAP club and FCCLA. Maybe she contacted them? I've never been able to ask since she retired after my sophomore year in high school. I went to the audition, got the scholarship and started my first semester three weeks after I graduated from high school. I had made friends and even made an enemy or two without purposely doing so. Two of my friends and I joined an anti-bullying campaign, it didn't last too long, and we even acted as extras in Modern Family back in Oct 2011. One of my friends and I were chosen out of 150 extras to stay that evening after filming to meet the crew and the two cast members that were the main focus that day. We were able to sit down and eat a catered supper that day, best catered food I have ever had! We even got to view UCLA in the night life, it was beautiful and breathtaking. Unfortunately that wasn't the plan God had for me. My time in LA was cut short. I went home for Christmas and wasn't able to make it back. So what does an 18 year old do when it's already too late to sign up for the Spring semester at any colleges in the panhandle? I got a job, not one but two full time jobs. One day and one night, slept 4 hours between each job. It was busy and not much time for friend related activities but I didn't really have any besides the ones back in LA. I kept that schedule until August 2012 when I finally started school again. Igor out of that town again and this time I was only going back to visit, not to stay!!