Our CAS hearts

Activity, January & February, 2019

In following months I was skiing, continuing my long my to improvement. And I kind of have a feeling that this way has turned so much that it is leading my backwards. 

Service, January & February, 2019

It’s another month helping people with school stuff. Yay, exciting. 

To be honest, I really like it. The idea of me bing good enough to explain something is appealing, especially since I cannot see it on a daily basis. Did it raise my self-esteem at least a little bit? I guess not, but maybe someday. 

Dobijając do dna  Siedzimy na spalonej trawie  Wokół tacy jak my 

Samotni Puści  Niezadowoleni 

Pławiąc się w swojej rozpaczy  Chełpiąc się smutkiem  Do twarzy im z niczym

Gdy obok siedzą ludzie  Na plastikowych meblach Pijąc tanie wino 

Rozmawiając o niczym Mówią o wszystkim  Nie dostrzegając agonii

Niżej niż my

Wyżej niż my 

Trzymając się naszych ideałów  Zaciskamy pięści  Prostując myśli  Uciekamy sami

rozciągnięty  między pretensjami podstawa z życzeń związanych przyszłością drży

dokąd

stąpając po pustce niespełnionej żądając celu spada nieuważnie  zbyt lekkomyślnie 

It is winter, it is snow, it is cold as hell, thus there are perfect conditions for skating. That’s why me and some friends of mine went a couple of times to do so.

December was a beautiful month, however with little engagement connected to AIESEC. Surely, there was something to do but it was significantly less than the months before as my project is slowly ending. I wish I could say that I was satisfied with how it turned out, although I hadn’t been there from the very beginning, so the success was not really mine. 

Remember my last service reflection? Yes, that one where I said that I didn’t do anything connected to AIESEC. Well, it has changed. All because of our LCM - Local Committee Meeting. You would think that I could not be that hard, you just have to attend it and, generally, you would be correct. Unless you don’t have to organize it.

Of course, because it was my first LCM ever it just had to be organized by my committee. Committee that is much smaller than usual one. It used to be three of us but now there is just me and my leader - one of our members resigned due to lack of time and feeling that AIESEC is just not for her. Honestly, I kindsp of got this feeling too, but then I felt too awkward and I didn’t want to be another one who gave up after not even a month. I’ve decided that even though I am scared as hell I need to continue what I was doing.

A month in AIESEC taught me literally nothing. The team I worked with is made of three persons (including myself) and all the work that is supposed to be done has already by completed by my leader before I joined.

During October I was still writing poems. Maybe not much but it actually takes time to come up with something that is not utterly garbage (so better than the poems I have posted here before).

Taking up this activity (that I was doing in some point in my life but I had dropped many year before) has proved me one thing. If I am not immediately excellent at something I feel as if I am not able to do anything correctly which usually makes me feel either disappointed in myself or angry, preferably at the whole world. It may happen that I am not good at writing anything (because, let’s be honest, I am not), however, even tough I know that it is natural and I shouldn’t expect receiving a Pulitzer Award for my poems straight away, I feel somehow useless. Changing may attitude is a must for me but I do not really know how to do it, at least I don’t know it now. First step to achieve that is probably continuing writing because it may, but only may, turn out that after a year I will be only terrible and not terrible terrible at it. 

Activity, October, 2018

It may not be me on the photo but I was taking it, it still counts. 

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do as my service. Surely, I actually really like teaching and explaining things to people but I also wanted to do something different. I also really like to walk and do not like coming home so one day I have decided to walk one of my friend to her meeting with an organization I have never heard of before. After getting to the right spot I was just starting to come back, however one of the members asked me if I also want to participate in a competence test that would indicate whether I would be a good match and a good member. I wanted to refuse, I really did, but I somehow said that of course I wanted to (perks of being socially awkward and never knowing what to say). So I stayed. I completed the test. And I was officially accepted as a member of AIESEC.

Even though I kind of didn’t want to.

Due to lack of motivation when it comes to anything I have decided to try something new. Along with one of my friend we took up a tennis classes. I have placed tennis before, however, it lasted for about a week (and it was four years ago, so surely it gave me a lot). 

It was kind of a new experience for me but, to my surprise, I unconsciously remembered something and I wasn’t completely bad at it. Of course, my friend was much better as she was practicing tennis for a year before but it was not as significant difference as I had imagined before. The lessons showed me that there is certain knowledge that you posses stays with you for a longer time than few days which is actually pretty interesting, especially when taking into account that I didn’t care for tennis back then yet my lack of skill is not as big as it could possible be.

W świetle żarówki na strychu uderzam

Uderzam po raz pierwszy Żarówka migocze

Uderzam po raz drugi Żarówka świeci jaśniej 

W nikłym świetle każdy z nas  jest winny

W mocnym świetle każdy z nas  osądza

During August I continued to do both playing a guitar and writing, however my nails finally have gotten a little bit to long. Because of having some free time, I’ve decided to try to pick up some French. I actually managed to learn some basics words and expressions but it was not as much as I wanted. Unfortunately, I probably won’t continue learning it during next years because of upcoming problems with another language - I just don’t want to mix them as I prefer to speak one language on a decent level than do not speak any of them. 

Because of absence at my hometown I didn't have as many opportunities to ride a bike as before. That's the major reason of why I've started to walk. I'm not exactly keen on it but it was better than nothing. Although I don't have any records from the first half of August since I didn't take my phone everywhere with me, I have a recorded number of steps from some days of the second half. One day I've done over 25 thousands steps in mountains which surely was the most challenging day of them all. Of course, it was rewarding and all but I feel that on the one hand I hate walking with anyone or anything that is not my phone and headphones but on the other I wouldn't go for a mountain walk alone.