serotonin bible

On a mission to make life a dream. To stop wishing I could switch this reality with some alternate one and make advantage of this one. The cookies are in the oven. (ALSO I MADE THESE FUCKING SHIRTS WOW) it feels good to wear something you made.

It’s a time of healing, but I need to be conscious.

Running in my head through every dream I’ve ever had. Sometimes awake sometimes not. Why you force me to recede into my second life has not been revealed to me. I feel less heavy there. It’s not like here where lies the creeping feeling that I need to expel myself from myself. Get ride of whatever is inside of me because I’m tired of it whispering things in my ears, when I stare up, between dreams, the sprites in the air dance along my skin, pleading for my soul to come and play. I’m scared I might float up to the ceiling and they sing to the blackness within, suggesting it just creep up through my esophagus or open skin, freeing my stomachs or veins of their burden. You tell me it’s not because I wasn’t good enough and I believe you. Some days I don’t remember what’s real and what’s not.

Winter transitions to spring with the introduction of juvia. Hopefully I change with the seasons. There are more good feelings mixed with the bad now, perhaps because when life springs eternal I feel it in my soul. I feel like I need to let go of some things emotionally still and it hurts. The nautilus must give birth to a new chamber several times within its life and it is never painless. Remembering back to when I was a child and I thought about all the pain I was scared to experience in life. And my therapist tells me we create our philosophies early. 

I feel like now I am beginning to experience life a bit more fully. But I still feel so lost. lost. Like I need to know what I want from life but I don’t, except for a few things and it fills me with fear. fear that I’ll never find the source of the joy that i have caught glimpses of and I won’t be able to tap fully into that and live a life full of it.