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i haven’t sat down to write my thoughts properly for awhile, 2017 was kind of that year for me. the year in summary was just struggling through my academics, a dash of fun and good music. a year of going through hair changes, of trying to add colour to my wardrobe (and still half failing), of getting into new groups and things, of living probably the toughest and most tiring time of my college life. there are less things to fondly look back to which i’m kind of regretful of but i guess after going through all of that turmoil, i’m just really glad it’s over. for a short recall of the few good (and not good but “memorable” per say) things that happened this year, here’s a list: 

hair style (?) changes: i got a full fringe (everyone had almost the same hair for awhile, it was funny and weird when my friends pointed it out when they came over) > i got a short hair cut, the shortest i’ve had ever since grade school!

i slipped on the bathroom while showering (this isn’t good, you should take care of yourselves but it hurt so bad even though it’s funny when i think of it now because i always get into these little accidents episodes every single year since i got into uni)  

my sister got a rabbit but it died after a week we miss you baker 

i had a month long hospital duty in manila, wasn’t anything special but it’s part of self-improvement in terms of my education 

i got into nct and loona, and more of red velvet (i was into them but i got more into them this year) and since i had a lot of time during my last break because i ended up not taking mid-year classes, i started watching tros! 

i’ve watched the most movies this year. i was aiming for a 100 but i’m still a couple of films short (i’m at 92 or 93!) me and my sisters started this weekend movie nights middle of last year i think and i took a film, internet and tv class last semester (which is one of my favorite classes) so i got to see a lot of new and old films 

i also got to see petersen in person during the viewing of his film in uni! i’ve been following him and his directories since 2012 so it was nice to see him in person 

i also got to meet hyemi unnie who have been my friend since 2013! we met up, drank coffee and ate at kfc and talked a lot it was super fun, one of my 2017 highlights except we didnt get to take a photo together :( 

my sister graduated from uni last may! 

which led to me dorming with different roommates for my last semester although i was too busy that i spent most of my time in the dorms doing work instead of being a good roommate 

i met omochi too! through sarah and nct! 

free education in my uni got approved this august too  

i went to see wings tour in manila back in may and it was the best concert 

a lot of activities for self-improvement education/career wise i was super tired these past few months , this whole year tbh except june and july 

it was my grandparent’s 50th anniversary year 

lots of eating 

my sister got a dog so now we have a new family member

but when someone asks me if i had ever fallen in love, i think “silly, of course i haven’t!” in this high pitch voice you hear in the movies. something rehearsed. last night, my sister asked me the same question but in a different time - don’t you want to fall in love? - want. that’s a big word. do i want to? do i want to crawl out and reach and say the words loud and clear. proclaim my undying devotion. that’s something else. “i don’t know. maybe. i just think i don’t ever wanna get married.” 

why am i talking about this when there are far more interesting things to talk about other than hey, when you smile, i get a little happy. my sister said she feels she’s in an age where she’s supposed to know more about love. i laugh. tell her but you can learn it without having to go through it. she knows. but first-hand experience. i see. we go on talking about what things she think i should change. i heard about them a lot of times and i know. i just never got around doing it. i never got around doing a lot of things in the first place. movies, books, learning how to properly punctuate my sentences and not talk in phrases when i’m writing. i haven’t written in a while. this might be the first in months without needing to explain myself better in citations. i’m going back to uni in about a week. going to get myself my first actual roommates that aren’t my sisters. going to spend a lot of my time attending classes and writing things other than this. 

hear this: i’m in love with you but i’m not even sure if that’s the case or i’m making it all up again. 

hear this: it doesn’t matter. 

i haven’t written about how my life had been (in this platform at least) for a time now. but for old time’s sake and maybe a tiny hope that doing this will magically make things work out like they did before, hear me out.  

it’s not that i’m in a slump. not really. i somehow ended my first hospital duty that i’ve panicked about in a good note yesterday and it’s not like i’m doing bad in class, i’m doing fair, i’m doing better.  it’s just that everything is overwhelming right now. with school works, with life. my life is going over a tiring vicious cycle that i even can’t keep up with, and running won’t even work. too much job for a small body of atoms like me. 

i just feel so tired all the time that i even ended this on-going crazy loveline i have in my head. i’m sane. people just do things they need to do to keep alive, this is mine. i’m just tired really and there’s so much work i need to do, so much people i want to talk to, so much things i want to see and love, so much sleep i wish to have and i’m not getting any of them. i know work. i know work and you’ll get them but as what i said i’m stuck on a vicious cycle. get out? man that seems easier said than done. i’m just really tired and i want to love. i want to get there - in a place where after this, it’s gonna be worth it. i know it won’t be easy, it’ll never be easy and it won’t be too soon. i’m tired but it doesn’t mean i’m not trying. i’m tired but that shouldn’t mean it’s the end of this. i just wish we’ll all have it easy. but it doesn’t until it does. i wonder when will it be that.