Wanting to be used

My fingers move down to try and stimulate myself but she slaps my hand away. She’s literally a human chastity belt.

Eventually, I concede. I remain still enough for her to return her tongue to my clit. A brief reward. Though the moment my hips jerk she pulls it back, and I’m left with the vexing warmth of her breath again. How long must I stay like this? Until I’m crying? Until my begging becomes incoherent?

She grabs my wrists and brings me to the edge again. And, as I beg, her tongue flicks my tortured clit one last time before pulling away. Ruining my orgasm. I begin to cry and she looks right at me and says, “Don’t ever touch my toys while I’m playing with them.”

FLR Tips is the sister site to FLR Info, where you’ll find introductory information about Female-Led Relationships. If you’re new to this, you should head over there. This site is about the practical, day-to-day aspects of FLRs. It is much more explicit and quite sex/femdom-oriented. Consider yourself warned.

Cunnilingus is pretty much a staple of FLRs. Our men love to perform it on us for hours on end, and we just lie back to receive orgasm after orgasm, night after night. Right?

For lots of FLR couples, this is indeed the case. Most men who are drawn to FLRs and properly starved of orgasms, are extremely happy campers when they get to put their head between their woman’s legs. And there’s no doubt that many women thoroughly enjoy it, too. Properly done, many of us will agree that it feels wonderful and can be extremely satisfying, both physically and mentally.

For others, it isn’t quite so simple. Some women enjoy it as foreplay, but not as the “main course”, at least not night after night. Others enjoy it when they are able to relax, but have certain issues preventing that from happening most of the time. Finally, there are those who feel plenty relaxed, but just get nothing out of it. 

The premise of the rest of this article is that you’d like to enjoy oral sex more, since it is a very practical and natural expression of the power dynamics in an FLR relationship. If you’re happy about not caring about oral sex, that’s perfectly fine - go read another article.

Let’s say that you generally enjoy oral sex, but you don’t find it particularly interesting, and you’d get bored pretty quickly if it was the main ingredient in your sex life. In my experience, this is the most common attitude among women who are new to FLRs, and it’s a perfectly reasonable attitude to have! Here are my tips for you:

Revel in the power your pussy holds over your man. Even if you don’t find it particularly sexually stimulating, you might find it very satisfying as a ritual. Speaking for myself, I feel that being on the receiving end of very frequent and utterly one-sided oral sex is the symbol of feminine rule in our household. And I know my husband feels the same way.

Think of it more as pampering than sex. It certainly doesn’t have to be the main ingredient of your sex life, even if you do it on a daily basis. It can be something you do as a ritual, because you find it pleasant, because you feel it is befitting your type of relationship, because it makes your man happier etc. Whenever you feel like having a different kind of sex, just do so.

Having an orgasm is not necessarily the goal. There are countless things your man can do while he is between your legs, and licking you to orgasm is just one of them. This applies to you as well - you don’t have to stop what you’re doing just because he is down there performing his duties. In fact, it probably has a stronger “FLR ritual effect” if you both treat it as nothing our of the ordinary. So continue reading your book, play with your phone, or even do a little bed-side work. If it becomes pleasurable enough that you want to just lie back and enjoy an orgasm, then you should of course do that, but only if that’s what you feel like.

If you do have an orgasm, you certainly don’t have to end things. You’ll probably be extra sensitive right after you orgasm, so he should learn to ease back to gently kissing you or whatever for a while, but feel free to go for another orgasm or a nice, long period of post-orgasm oral pampering.

Don’t worry about his comfort - at all. If you feel more comfortable being covered in sheets or a duvet, have him crawl under it and stay there for as long as you want, nevermind if he gets hot. If you want to lie on your side or your stomach, go right ahead, nevermind if it forces him to maintain an awkward position to reach you properly. Not only does this free you to be as comfortable as you can, but he will absolutely love you for being selfish and demanding like this. Trust me.

Make the oral sex about power play. Sit on his face, rub your juices all over it, restrict his air flow, have him lick your ass instead. Many women, myself included, enjoy this part at least as much as the actual licking. Using your pussy and ass as “weapons” can be an immensely powerful and enjoyable feeling.

If you don’t actively dislike it, use oral access to your pussy as a reward for your man. Conversely, if you do enjoy it frequently, take it away for a period as punishment.

Focus on other aspects of it. Surely, there’s a certain psychological pleasure to be had from knowing that you have a man who would love nothing more than to go down on you every single night, when your vanilla girlfriends are lucky to get it once a year?

Understand that for a lot of men it’s not mainly about the licking, it’s about having their faces close to the “holyest” of anatomical places. The smell, the wetness, the warmth, the opening up of your legs, serving your needs, the mere symbolicm of it.

Don’t feel obligated to learn to love it. If you do, great - your man will be pleased. If you don’t, there are plenty of other things to enjoy in a FLR, and you can still get it whenever you feel like it.

To me, it’s all about seeing the possibilities rather than fretting about whether you find oral sex satisfying enough.

OK, let’s turn now to those who enjoy (or think they would enjoy) oral sex when everything is just right, but who can’t ever seem to relax enough for it to be just right. This is also quite common, I believe, and can be caused by a multitude of reasons, mostly psychological. I don’t want to trivialise the issues these women are experiencing, but here are some general tips:

Explain the issues to your man and try to resolve them together. He will be more than happy to take it slow if it means there’s a chance he can get more “facetime” in the future.

If you worry about how you smell or look, consider taking your man’s enthusiasm at face value. He most likely doesn’t care, or positively loves how you look and smell.

If the intimacy bothers you for some other reason, try taking your mind off it by doing something else while he is occupying himself. Read a book, browse Facebook or Instagram, play a game, watch TV.

If you feel like you always have to be fresh out of the shower when enjoying oral sex, please don’t. Our type of men generally enjoy quite a bit of muskiness, just don’t overdo it unless you’re sure your man is into that.

See a doctor if you think you have some issue that really does makes your vagina unpleasant to be around. It may be easy to fix.

Beyond these simple tips, I don’t have much to offer. The types of issues that cause some women to find oral sex difficult can be complex, and I am not a professional counselor. Just remember that your man is your partner in this, and he can be a big help if you let him.

Finally, let’s turn to those who find oral sex just plain boring or downright painful. Again, it’s fine if you don’t feel the need to start liking it, this is for those who see the appeal in frequent, enjoyable oral sex, and would like to get there.

If you find oral sex painful, give your man clearer instructions. Have him steer clear of your clitoris, have him gently kiss instead of lick etc.

If the issue is a lack of physical stimulation (not enough friction, a preference for rougher sensations etc.), try giving your man clear instructions. He can use his tongue more forcefully, he can expose your clitoris more fully, he can move his head more vigorously, he can rub his beard against your most sensitive areas and so on. Also see the point about vibrators and toys.

If you need to be filled to feel any enjoyment, have him bring a dildo of your liking on his excursions. He doesn‘t need to move it a lot, it could just be used to get you in the mood.

Make it more interesting. Have him bring a vibrator, a butt plug or whatever else you enjoy, and tell him how to use what he brings.

I believe most women can find enjoyment in oral sex, it’s mostly a matter of finding ways to do it that suit their preferences and temperaments.

Disclaimer: This article assumes that you are the woman in a relationship with a man, where both parties have agreed to let you control his orgasms and erections (using a chastity cage), as suggested in my article on Motivating the Male. You both enjoy a decent amount of kink.

It’s no accident that the title of this article can be interpreted in two ways: It could mean releasing his penis from its cage, and it could mean granting him sexual release - as in allowing him to orgasm. This article is mainly about the latter interpretation, but these two rewards are closely related, and should be used wisely.

Let’s start with erections. A properly motivated man in near full-time chastity is a very eager creature. Being let out of his cage, especially if it is to have his cock and balls played with, just feels so good. What other men get to enjoy all day, every day - having a readily available penis - is a luxury for your man. Treat it as such, and remind him in no subtle ways how lucky he is to be let out for however many minutes you grant him.

If you love edging him or just playing with his penis, by all means unlock him every night, but you should be aware of the power that lies in denying him this pleasure. I’d also like to remind you that it can be quite enjoyable to play with a locked penis too - twisting the cage, squeezing his balls until he groans, roughly flicking a finger on his taut ball sack are all things I personally love doing while we lie in bed, just talking and fooling around.

We have settled on a frequency of about 1-4 times out of the cage in a two-week period. For us, this underscores the power I have over him in a nice way and makes him thoroughly enjoy every minute of freedom.

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An even more potent reward (sorry, I couldn’t resist) is allowing him to have an orgasm. Every man is different, so you’ll have to monitor his mood and behaviour after being denied for different lengths of time, before settling on your own frequency. I can tell you that I give my husband an orgasm (of sorts) roughly every six weeks, but that’s just what works for us.

The more interesting question, to me, is how you go about giving him his orgasms. There are virtually infinite ways to do this, and I find that almost all of them are great fun, but for this article I want to share a run-of-the-mill orgasm for my husband. Sometimes I’ll make a big thing out of them, and do something really special, but most of them go something like this.

I’ll usually drop a few hints during the day in question, that tonight might be a special night for him, but apart from that I don’t like to give him any idea of when he’ll get his next orgasm. It keeps him on his toes and makes it more interesting for both of us.

After receiving my usual rounds of servitude after we retire to the bedroom, perhaps a little longer than most nights, I’ll have him lie on his back and sit on his face (with panties off), facing his body. This is something of a treat for him in itself, and I’ll often just sit there for a while, rubbing myself on his face and enjoying his tongue work on me while I twist his nipples and squeeze his balls. After a while I’ll release his cock and start playing with it. 

However, I do not just jerk him to climax and let him ejaculate any way he pleases. That would be a waste of opportunity, not to mention a big stinking mess. I find it hugely important to assert full control over his ejaculations, for reasons I could write a long separate article about, but will only touch briefly on here. 

We practice what is commonly referred to as ruined orgasms. It basically means that he is under strict instructions to let me know when he is nearing climax, at which point I’ll try to let go of his penis at exactly the point where he has crossed the point of no return, but before he starts pumping his semen flying through the room. If you time it just right, and have trained your man to lie perfectly still and resist the urge to vigorously pump it out (as his instincts will tell him to do), his full load will trickle out in a steady but relatively calm stream, making it easy to collect (more on that later). The great thing about this is that your man will be left feeling a strange mix of having emptied his balls but without the accompanying feeling of actually coming. If you have a sadistic streak, like I readily admit to having, this is great fun. Here he is, having been caged and denied for weeks on end, and when he is finally allowed to have his precious orgasm, it is totally and utterly ruined. Not only that, but he’ll still be aroused and not feel “spent” and tired like he would after a proper orgasm. It’s benefits all the way!

The last, but also very important, detail about controlling his ejaculations in every little way, is what happens to his semen. For the last seven or so years, my husband has hardly had a single orgasm without eating his own semen after he has been allowed to ejaculate. This serves many useful purposes, in addition to turning me on. One, it eliminates the mess - a huge plus in itself. Two, it pleases me tremendously to think about the fact that my man is a closed loop as far as semen is concerned. What comes out must go right back in! Three, it’s my symbolic act of revenge for all the girls and women who have felt obliged to swallow their men’s semen through the ages. Four, I find it very entertaining to think about the fact that when my husband is begging me to be allowed an orgasm, he is in effect begging me to eat his own semen - since he knows full well that the two are inextricably linked. In summary, I just love this part of it!

The mechanics of it are pretty straightforward. If you allow him to fuck you and come inside of you (are you sure you want to do that?), make him lick it out. For simple jerk-off sessions like the one I’m describing here, I keep a glass nearby and simply hold it below the tip of his penis as his semen dribbles out. Then, rather quickly, I climb off his face and pour the contents of the glass into his mouth - which is already open and waiting. 

It should be noted that there is a HUGE difference in his desire to swallow his own semen before and after he climaxes. The difference is a lot less pronounced for ruined orgasms (another reason right there), but it is still significant. Speaking for my own husband here, he finds the thought of it a huge turn-on before he climaxes, still rather exciting while he is actually ejaculating, but rapidly moving into “hell no” territory with every second that passes after that. So I urge you to make him swallow the main load within 30 seconds to a minute after ejaculating. 

We tend to move into cuddle mode right after he has come. but I’ll continue feeding him the drops that leak out in the next few minutes - he has built up a nice tolerance for it over the years - and I like to make it crystal clear that if he wants to continue having orgasms, it’s his responsibility to eat every single drop. I have zero tolerance for messy sheets.

You should try hard to make this eating-his-own-mess thing work - be forceful and make him understand that it’s important to you.

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So that has been our basic routine for many years. Lately, I’ve also been experimenting with making him ejaculate without being let out of the cage at all. This is actually quite simple to achieve by using (for example) a Magic Wand vibrator on his cage for a while. Everything else is the same - the face-sitting, the ruined orgasm, the eating of the semen - but it feels like it is even more ruined and somehow more sad and pathetic to not even be allowed an erection when ejaculating, which I must admit to liking. It also makes it even easier to collect his semen, since his penis isn’t flailing about. We’ve had a lot of fun with this, and we both enjoy me taunting him about how there’s hardly any need to release him ever, now that he can both fuck me (using our strap-ons) and have his (very few) orgasms while caged.

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FLR Tips is the sister site to FLR Info, where you’ll find introductory information about Female-Led Relationships. If you’re new to this, you should head over there. This site is about the practical, day-to-day aspects of FLRs. It is much more explicit and quite sex/femdom-oriented. Consider yourself warned.

With just six orgasms (or so) in the course of a full year, shouldn’t I be a good wife and at least make them really, really good for him?

This isn’t me asking, but it’s a question I get asked every now and then. It’s a fair question too, especially from women who are new to this, so I’m going to answer it as thoughtfully as I can.

But before we get into it, let’s recap what a ruined orgasm is. In FLRs and other femdom-type relationships, it’s common for the woman to control and restrict the man’s orgasms, typically using a chastity device combined with some rules and a shared understanding that it’s for their mutual benefit. Typically, the woman decides when and how the man is allowed to reach an orgasm. If she practices runied orgasms, she will endeavour to stop all forms of stimulation just as his desire pushes him beyond the point of no return. This causes the semen to trickle out in a seemingly frustrating and unsatisfying way, and, if done correctly, he will not lose his erection and will not feel “spent” and fulfilled afterwards, but rather be ready for more.

Let’s review the effects of this from both sides before we address whether it’s cruel to do this.

For the woman, it’s mostly benefits all the way. She gets to assert control and dominate one of the most fundamental aspects of being a man, with very little effort on her part. There can be a lot less mess - it’s easy to direct or collect his semen without any spillage. It can be very fun and rewarding for women who have a sadistic streak, which is quite common in femdom-type relationships. And, perhaps most importantly, he doesn’t collapse like a wet blanket afterwards, neither mentally nor physically. She can continue to play with him, or switch to being serviced herself - all without him losing interest.

As far as downsides go, depending on who you are, there might not be any. Maybe you get a big kick out of seeing him pump his semen flying through the room, and feel that you’d miss that? Well, just go ahead then - this isn’t about doing anything for the sake of it. Ruin him when you see the benefits of it, and have him go wild if that’s what you feel like.

How about the man? Are there any upsides to this for him? Perhaps surprisingly, there are several! He enjoys the sexual energy that he gets from being teased and denied, and with a ruined orgasm he barely loses any of it, while still getting a decent dose of satisfaction. Also, he can go right back to serving your needs with a genuine passion for it, without “faking it” for a couple of days. But most importantly, it plays directly to his kinks. Even though it feels frustrating in the moment to be denied a proper orgasm, on a deeper level he will revel in the transfer of power that is taking place, and the delicious unfairness of it all.

So no downsides for the man, then? Well, yes, there is one. I downplayed it in the previous paragraph, but it’s still a very real downside: He doesn’t get a proper orgasm! Being brought to a nice, fulfilling orgasm feels really, really good - most women living in FLRs are keenly aware of this fact, and enjoy plenty of them on a daily basis. Almost never experiencing one is definitely a downside, no doubt about it.

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So, back to the question at hand. Are you a terrible person if he only (or mostly) gets ruined orgasms on the rare occasions that he is allowed to have some form of release?

Unequivocally, NO. If your relationship is otherwise healthy, meaning that you love and respect each other and the FLR/femdom aspects are based on a mutual understanding and continually evaluated, then you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Most men who have this particular kink are only too happy to be living with a woman who embraces and cultivates her demanding, sadistic, and selfish traits. This is what he WANTS - for you to put yourself first and to actively restrict his sexual pleasures. The unfairness of not only having to wait weeks between each release, but then only being allowed a degrading sham orgasm is a huge point in itself.

I’m being deliberately unnuanced here. Of course there are men who have different needs and wants - for real, not just playful complaining during sex. But that’s where the health of your relationship comes into play. If the relationship is healthy and based on mutual love and respect, you will soon enough discover that this isn’t working, either because he tells you or because you just sense it. And then you work it out.

So if your man appears happy most of the time, and continues to serve you eagerly, I wouldn’t worry about a little complaining when he is frustrated. On the contrary, I’d enjoy my power over him and remind him again and again of the old FLR/femdom aphorism: