Forever a dreamer.

Counselling face to face went well before holiday. She asked me about feelings of dread and I talked about worrying about family after PTSD of family health with my parents. She said "oh now, and these feelings have all come true?". It really put anxiety into perspective with how stupid it is. I just said no, and laughed to myself. I feel better since i spoke with her since then.

Holiday was great, I'm very grateful my wife and I laugh every day. It sounds cliche or even unbelievable, but despite our small arguments, she makes me laugh more than anyone else.

Skateboarding yesterday, did my first ever drop in and felt super proud of myself, I've even got moving Ollie's down and can Ollie over small bits which is such a good achievement for me.

Had my first counselling session yesterday, unloaded and felt some relief, also cried a little, next session is in person and I'm a little scared to cry in front of people.

Good news, MRI scan went well and my busted hip is less busted, can go back to exercise.

As a result, played tennis Saturday, Muay Thai Sunday, gym today, and back to skateboarding tomorrow. I'm taking it slow I swear...

I also told my wife that I think I may have some form of derealization issue, and I just feel foggy as fuck all the time.

On the positive, my good friend with Stage 4 bowel cancer was told his first treatment reduced his tumour by 50% in size.

Sometimes people look back on their life and they can remember pivotal moments clearly, and I remember the days leading up to it crystal.

I remember arguing with my brother and him punching my door off the hinges, it was old and damp.

I remember my dad trying to chisel a new place for a hinge and telling me "things are different this time" with my mum in the hospital.

I remember my best friends little sister saying "Joseph said your mum is probably going to die", she was 7 and didn't know better.

I remember the arguments between my other brother and sister while we sat at my mum's bed and they turned the machine off.

I remember my sister screaming in sadness.

After that, my dad just became vacant and did his own thing, and I basically had to do everything my own way, and that never really stopped.

I'm grateful for how my life turned out, I have truly worked so hard to get to this point, and it makes me proud. Even if others think "it's easy for you down in London, with all your fairy world and holidays".

It's not easy, still isn't, and I still feel anxious about my direction in life. I always feel like I'm trying to catch up, no matter how hard I work.

A hobbit house, yup, something half the size of our rental and 50% more expensive to mortgage.

Wife finished her run and decided to take photos of me floating.

Well, I got used to my weight and pushing on the board. So many muscles that I have completely forgotten. I felt more comfortable going up and down a patch of paving.

I practiced jumping on the board for balance.

I also tried a static revert in the rain and ended on my ass haha.

This art is called...

I think I just hate having to deal with fake well wishes and transactional bullshit from my family. "I wished you happy birthday now you owe me something".

I'm 35 in 19 minutes, and I just want to just move on to Wednesday.