the new romantics

Sooo… I know I’m not active on here, but I wanted to speak a little bit on what Reputation means for me. I know that I don’t corner the market on it, but as I have been sitting here crying listening to New Year’s Day thinking about what this album means for me at this specific time in my life, I realized I needed to share my story. I don’t know with what intention, but I would love it if you shared it if it touches you in any way. And also, I needed to write this for my own sake.

I am gay.

I’ve never typed that publicly on the internet before. Ever. Even though I’m out in real life to my loved ones, and now much more drastically (more on that), it shocks me that I’ve never been safe to simply type that simple fact.

Last October, I entered into my first ever relationship. It was toxic, unhealthy, twisted, and I was left cheated on, heart broken, and ultimately confused as to what love is supposed to be about. Which led me into a downward spiral in December, ending in me coming out to my family.

For background, I have been raised in a Christian home and have had to deal with where I find myself at the intersection of my faith and my sexuality. On top of that, I went to a private Christian school from Kindergarten through 12th grade. My family did not take it well. They thought it was wrong, they got angry, of course they expressed their love but it launched me onto the ride of my life. For the last 5 months of my senior year in high school (this January through May), I was then forced to keep my mouth shut, be sure not to speak out, and keep my head down about it all.

That said, people knew. And they talked about me a lot. I remember in May, after prom, I found out that there was a rumor going around about how I was dancing with a boy at prom, which is an utter impossibility. I heard about classmates who were plotting to try to catfish me to yank me out of the closet. It was a witch hunt.

But alas, I survived. I graduated high school relatively unscathed, and expectant for the future away from that whole scene. Oh how ignorant I was then…

About three weeks after graduation, I met a boy. I fell hard, and I fell quick, although at the time I was very cautious due to how broken I still was from my prior relationship. I tried to push him away, I tried to shut it down a couple times, but it was inevitable. And despite it all, said boy refused to give up until we made it official.

I could bore you with the details of the early bit, but essentially I had to hide him from my family as I am still living at home. That blew up in my face, it was messy and ugly, whatever. But I fell more and more and more in love with him. He is everything I could ever dream of and more.

Fast forward, I wanted to go visit him in Baltimore in October where he started going to university this fall, and I decided to go ultimately against my parent’s wishes. It was not pretty. But I went anyway, and I’ve never been more happy in my life than that weekend. Interestingly enough, we have this cute thing where he calls me the “most beautiful” and I call him the “most gorgeous”, so that we don’t argue over who is the most of one of those (we’re so gay I’m sorry).

Well, that weekend Gorgeous dropped. I had loved Look What You Made Me Do and … Ready For It, but listening to Gorgeous for the first time while I had run away to my amazing boyfriend, who I happen to call the “most gorgeous”, while he held me in his arms… I just about lost it. I can’t tell you how that felt, it felt so right and I felt so safe in that moment despite all the other shit. It was like Taylor wrote this song from the thoughts in my head. Oh, did I mention that I was dating the toxic ex when I first saw my current boyfriend? Sound familiar?

So I get home from the weekend, it was heaven and bliss. My family is pissed, but whatever I was on a high. I posted a photo of my boyfriend and I on my private instagram account with only about 40 trusted friends following. Everything was fine and great.

Until the photo leaked at the school I graduated from. Remember? The Christian one?

Now, I was a big deal on campus. I was a leader, I tried to invest in the student body, I was on stage a lot as I led worship in chapel, and all of that was the greatest privilege and joy of my high school career, I genuinely enjoyed serving my peers and creating the best possible experience that I could for them. So it wasn’t like I was some random guy. In addition, my family had been plugged in there for 20 years, with my mom still currently working there.

The photo spread like wildfire among faculty, staff, students, parents, etc. And everything I loved went up into flames.

I was getting comments from people, texts, emails, I knew that people were talking about me, the administration had to step in due to my mom still working there. The “reputation” I had built for myself the past 13 years there was all of a sudden gone, just because I kissed a boy. Everything went straight down the toilet, and it felt like everything had crumbled to pieces around me. I’m still reeling from it all and trying to figure out what to do next and how I can even continue breathing. I’ve been reduced to the worst mental health I’ve ever had, I struggle to keep going day to day, and I honestly just don’t know what to do.

So then drops “Reputation”. And somehow, Taylor wrote my entire heart out. The first time I listened to the album, I felt like someone punched me in the gut. It hurt me a lot. I couldn’t listen to it again for several hours, despite how much I loved it. I felt every word so hard.

From …Ready for It, thinking about how despite my circumstances I know I’m going to be with him. To Don’t Blame Me, in the religious overtones, imagining how I somehow have to explain myself to these close minded people. How I have to give in and allow them to light me up like the witch they would make me out to be.

To Delicate, recognizing that I am in a broken, hurt place, trying to figure out how to start a new relationship and what it means to be loved. Look What You Made Me Do, so perfectly encapsulating my more angry feelings as I feel I should be justified in posting a photo with my boyfriend privately.

Then to the softer tones… Thinking how my boyfriend has loved me at my worst, has made me so happy. Has become the love of my life overnight, despite all the madness and despite circumstances and things that most boys would give up on me for.

King of My Heart, somehow describing this discreet relationships so perfectly. There’s of course Dress, and I’m not going to go into the details of that :-)  Call It What You Want, as I imagine my baby and how he loves me so much.

And finally, New Year’s Day. I want a love like this song, the one that lasts in the worst moments. I have been through the wringer. My reputation is destroyed, I’m trying to figure out how to rise up from the ashes. But I’m so grateful for this album, so specifically writing my story. I am shocked by how much it all feels relevant, and it still hurts to try to process all of my emotions through this album.

This has gone on long enough and I feel as though I could say a million more words about this album. But this is just a small piece of my story that I wanted to share. Because I can.

Thank you @taylorswift. Forever and always.