Dreams'blog

These past few days, I have been having dreams related to his family continuously and it’s been a month since the last time I’ve seen him. Even though his texts are still very... sweet and great, he now only texts me like once a week... I guess I am just too clingy and depending on him. I’ve tried really hard to learn and somehow understand more of how guys think and how their brain process. Or to be more precise, how his mind works. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t try to change him. I know that he’s working hard for his future, to be independent. I understand that being independent makes him feels happier about himself, and ever since he started working again, even when he doesn’t say anything, but I can see his eyes glow with confident and satisfactory. I know that he doesn’t use his phone a lot. So, even though I really want to talk to him, I can’t really do that. If I sent a message, I would have to wait few days or even a week for him to come back to me. If I called him, 99% of the times it would go straight into his voice mail box. And he doesn’t call back either. I guess it just doesn’t show up as miss call. Like he said. 

I tried really hard to distract myself, by studying, by doing part time job, by cooking, by doing my own hobbies. But no matter what I do, I can’t take him off my mind. Even when I sleep, 99% he will be in there. Even in that dream, some other guys confess me to me, I would still think of him, that I can’t betray him. I don’t wanna hurt him like how he was hurt in the past. I want to treasure him and be there for him. I am so occupied with him that it’s already a daily thing. 

I really don’t know what to do. If I have to consider between the good things and bad things about him. I would say that there are a lot more good things than the bad ones. Or at least, I somehow learned to embrace and understand with the some of the bad ones. But I don’t know how to deal with this. 

There are a whole lot of things that I want to do with him, but we never get the chance to do anything... I want to play bowling with him, watch movies with him, go shopping and cook dinner together, watch sunrise together, stargaze together... I want to do stuff that other couples do, but we never get the chance... Because, he’s too busy for any of that... He’s there when I am on the edge, losing hopes. But he never knows when I am sick, or when I have all other kind of transitions in my life. I would also want to be there to hear all about his life, but since we never really call each other, and sometimes receive messages from each other. We missed out on all of that. I am always the last person to know about anything from him. Even though I can feel his love from how he shows affection to me, I can’t help but feeling like I am not even important to him... Like as if we are casually dating. Not a serious relationship. 

At times like this, I can’t help but feeling vulnerable, stress over it, worry about nonsenses... I am just not that strong girl who can handle everything. I can smile to people saying that I am fine, because I don’t want people to worry about me... But I would cry every night thinking about how lonely I feel. Would anyone understand that feeling? Like my boyfriend lives 3 mins away from me and I haven’t seen him in a month. And we only meet once every one or two months. That’s why, he would never know, how much I treasure those moment when we’re together, I just never want it to end. He would never know how much I don’t want him to leave. Because when he leaves, I can’t help but wondering, when will we see each other again?

I was looking for his room amongst many other rooms and he found me. I gave him the Christmas present that I prepare long ago and he gave me a big hug. It then turned out that I was staying at his house and I had to meet and have dinner with his family. I was really nervous caused I didn't wanna mess things up and give them a bad impression of me :< but somehow in my dream, I was very weak and fragile. If I moved too much I started to feel dizzy and tired. But since everyone was very kind towards me I couldn't excuse myself to take a rest but tried to help preparing for dinner and stuff. The headache and dizziness stopped once we sat down for dinner. And the problem started. I was talking to his family and I felt a drop of water fell down to the table. I looked down and realised it wasn't water, it's blood. He asked me whether I was okay since my face became really pale. And I tried to cover things up my using tissue papers and laughed it off. But things worsened, I started to bleed more and he realised what was really happening to me and everyone else was also freaked out and started to worry. He brought me inside and he was so worried and scared that he kept asking me if I was okay and held me really tight with his hand held mine. ;'> and then I passed out and the scenery changed. I was dragging him along for a mission since the world was now taken and controlled by a dark force. In cases, in other to run away from people we had to curse them by saying "For the sake of ............, A and B will accept the dark fates lie in front of them and sacrifice themselves." And they would be gone. For each person we had to curse two people to earn more power. What a twisted dream. The rest I don't really remember, caused I woke up half way.