Weighting to Be

The increasing options in plus size clothing and footwear lifts my spirits and gives my inner fatshionista life, but over the years I have had to really search to find other common items that are often forgotten about. Searching for scarves, jewelry, handbags, and glasses often comes with a certain level of dissappointment and annoyance. My big 3 plus stores (Addition Elle, Penningtons, Torrid) have covered these areas well, but the offerings are still pretty limited and low in quality. 

Over the last decade I have scoured farmer’s markets, art markets, indie shops, and Etsy to find quality jewelry in larger sizes. For rings, my ring finger is a size 10 and my middle is a 12 — most shops max out at 9. For necklaces I need at least 20″ to avoid being choked — most stores only make up to 18″. Luckily, all of those years of searching have definitely been rewarded. 

Here are 4 Canadian artisan shops that sell silver and gold jewelry in larger sizes (BONUS: they do custom orders too!):

Laughing Sparrow

I met Rachael at a Make It Edmonton event about a year ago. I love her shop’s simple and gorgeous hammered silver products. Most rings are available in sizes 2 - 14 AND necklace chains are available up to 24″! Check out these adorable items.

“Simple Stackers Hammered”

“Simple Stackers Twist”

“Ampersand Necklace”

adoreNation

I have seen Shannon at a number of markets and always get drawn in from across the road. Most rings are available in sizes 3 - 12. Some necklaces go up to 20″ in chains.

“Wide Moon Band Ring”

“Fuck Yes Ring”

“Half Full Moon Necklace”

Mersea Studio

I met Merina at a Make It Edmonton show as well. She is SO lovely and makes pieces with a lot of heart. Her rings size between 5 - 11. Necklaces are available up to 22″. Her current west coast collection is so touching for me as Vancouver Island is where my partner grew up, and my family and I share some very precious memories of the ocean.

“West Coast Crown Ring”

“Hand-Sawn Haida Gwaii Ring”

“Vancouver Island Necklace”

Jennea Frischke

I also met Jennea at a local art market and loved her beautiful, simple and delicate pieces. Her rings are available in size 1 - 12!

“Jade Sterling Silver Gemstone Ring”

“Hexagonal Ring”

Last year the lovely Christine from Mainline Photography joined me at Edmonton’s Accidental Beach for this Halloween photoshoot. The full line-up of shots will be on my Instagram thread but here is a peek at a few of the images!

Casual Mermaid - Halloween 2017

All I want is someone who will listen. Please do not feel pressure to solve my problems, because you can’t (but thank you for caring ❤). My doctors are the only ones that I need to offer me solutions.

Today is Bell Let’s Talk Day. While some people have criticised the event as a marketing grab by the mobile giant, others find comfort in the discussion that opens up surrounding mental health. I am the latter and have made an effort to be as open as I can regarding my experiences with depression and anxiety.

For four-and-a-half months between 2009 and 2010, I attended a full-time group therapy program. The catalyst for this out-patient therapy was my near-death experience a few months earlier. Before that accident, I had been in denial about my major depression. However, since graduating from the intense therapy program I have been better than ever. I still have days, and even months, where my depression or anxiety require more love and attention than others and it’s easy to feel guilt or blame in those moments. But, the depression is not my fault and I am not weak for being affected by it.

Over the past eight years, I have come to learn what does and doesn’t work for me during episodes of depression. Speaking openly, self-identification, and seeking assistance are the most important self-care steps that I take. 

Speaking Openly

I have a select group of people in my life who understand and/or empathise well with my depression. I reach out to them when I need someone to listen, or when I simply need someone to be present while I talk things out on my own. 

Two of the worst things to say to me when I am in the middle of a depressive episode is “you just have to get over it” or “just think positive.” I know that the person saying these things either a) doesn’t understand how to help, or b) truly doesn’t understand that depression is a medical condition and not a choice. When someone says these things to me I feel like my medical condition, and the emotions that come with it, are being discarded. Please - PLEASE - if you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything at all. All I want is someone who will listen. Please do not feel pressure to solve my problems, because you can’t (but thank you for caring ❤). My doctors are the only ones that I need to offer me solutions. 

Self-Identification

An important skill that I have honed is the ability to examine my own reactions and emotions from an honest place. I rarely get it right the first time, but each time that I practice self-identification, I get closer to the root of my current episode. BUT, there is a difference between what I call "a depression” and a “blue day.” 

A depression means that I am (usually) battling a number of stressors, anxieties, and fears that will last longer than just a “blue day” and can require professional assistance. 

A “blue day” is when I can identify that I am reacting differently than I want to. I can be having a successful day at work, but I may be agitated, sad, or anxious without a trigger point. It is on these days that I know the serotonin imbalance is playing havoc with my state of mind. It used to be particularly hard for me to reconcile these days because I felt like I should be able to stop them of my own will. However, just as I could not tell a cold to go away, I can’t tell the serotonin to just sort itself out because it has nothing to do with ME. So, I started to picture the little blue girl, “Sadness,” from the Disney/Pixar film Inside Out. 

I picture cute Little Blue (as I call her) roaming around in my brain for the day. On these days I give myself some space from others and let her do her thing. She just needs a quiet day to be sad and down and that’s okay.

IMAGE CREDIT: Image belongs to Disney Pixar.

Seeking Assistance

There are times when I cannot deal with my illness on my own. On these days I seek help from family and friends. Movie dates, coffee dates, text marathons, meme shares, phone calls, hang outs - it has all helped during the hard times. When the sadness or fear or anger is too much, and these little tricks haven’t worked, then I know it is time to seek professional help. 

It is easy to think that you can go to therapy and/or be on an anti-depressant for one period of time and that is it. You’re done with the sad times, right? No.

I am open with myself and those around me with the fact that therapy and medications will always be a part of my life. There will be times when I don’t need them at all or as much, and others where I might rely on them to get through the day-to-day until things are better. Much like needing physical therapy each time you are injured, it is common to be in therapy more than once in your life. 

If you, or someone you know, needs help please contact any of the resources below. There is NO SHAME in needing and seeking help. 

Emergency Services: Dial 911 on any phone Edmonton Crisis Support Line: 780-482-HELP (4357) and 1-800-232-7288 Calgary Distress Centre: 403-266-HELP (4357) Calgary ConnectTeen: call 403-264-8336 (you can also text 587-333-2724 on evenings & weekends) Mental Health Helpline: 1-866-332-2322

Take care ❤

Growing up it was so hard to find Halloween costumes that fit so I started making my own. Check out this fab “movie popcorn” costume that I made in Grade 8!

I’ve been waiting for the day when I could walk into a store and find a great costume in my size (one that isn’t a giant piece of food). I still haven’t found a walk-in store, but I found two online stores with cute and cool options for this Halloween. 

Check out these pieces from Torrid and ThinkGeek. Prices are in USD and shipping is hefty ($40 for Torrid, $20 for expedited with ThinkGeek). I abandoned my cart for a few days when I saw that shipping fee from Torrid, but I ended up going for it because I couldn’t stop thinking about my costume. Keep your eyes out for pics from my recent Halloween photo shoot. :)

Torrid: Disney Beauty and the Beast Belle Halloween Ball Gown

Sizes 10 through 30 are still available! 

I’ve found Torrid sizes to be the same as Penningtons, so you should be able to order the size you normally would.

Think Geek: Kigurumi Onesies (10 options still available)

These onesies have an odd bust-to-waste ratio. The bust measures like a 2x at Penningtons and the waist measures like a 6x.

Torrid: Leg Avenue Halloween Black Sea Buccaneer Costume

I know this costume is a nod to Pirates of the Caribbean, but I swear I hear “Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?” too!

Think Geek: Captain Jules's Women's Steampunk Peacoat

The 3x is similar to a Penningtons 3x.

Torrid: Harley Quinn Skater Dress

Think Geek: Doctor Who Ladies’ 11th Doctor’s Purple Coat

The XXL should fit like a 2x at Penningtons.

Torrid:  Halloween Twin Peaks Waitress Dress

Torrid: Disney Nightmare Before Christmas Skater Dress

Torrid:  Disney Maleficent Multi-Color Hi-Lo Skater Dress

Make sure to grab these Disney Maleficent Deluxe Horns before you hit the checkout!

Torrid: Halloween Star Trek Skater Dress

Torrid: Halloween Superman Tee

And be sure to remember your cape on the way to your cart!

Superwoman not your thing? Check out this Batman Costume Tee instead.

Torrid: Textured Skater Dress

Anyone else hear The Addams Family theme song? 

I needed new photos for Weighting to Be and couldn’t have asked for anything better! A pink tutu, a beautiful flower crown, a true Alberta summer sunset, and lots and lots of floofers! Thank you to Christine Main of Mainline Photography for spending the evening with me to get these great shots. Special thanks to Christine’s sister-in-law as well as she introduced me to Jett (the stunning horse in our photos), the alpacas, 5 dogs, 4 newborn kittens, 3 piggies, some chickens, a few goats, and rabbits. They have mini horses too! I was in heaven! 

HMUA: Mackina

I am definitely OBSESSED with Fall. As an Alberta girl I know that this is the best weather we will see all year. Not too hot, not too cold (all you need is a light jacket? LOL). Here is my list of fashion must-haves for this beautiful and fleeting fall season.

All of the below items are from Penningtons and Addition Elle. I chose these two banners from Reitmans Ltd. because they have locations throughout Alberta AND they ship for cheap within Canada. I am not sponsored by these brands so this is my honest wish-list for myself! 

I only included items that showed lots of availability in the Edmonton and Calgary areas. I searched availability in stores based on my own sizes, so 3x/4x for tops and 24/26 for bottoms/dresses. If you like an item and want to check availability, click on the product title and it will bring you directly to the page for that piece of clothing. Happy shopping darlings! 

*All product images belong to Reitmans Ltd.

Penningtons:  3/4 Sleeve Cold Shoulder Blouse 

I never understood the cold shoulder trend until working in and old building where the air conditioning and heating seem to be on all at the same time. I also love how soft and romantic these sleeves are. 

Penningtons:  d/c JEANS Cotton Plaid Shirt

I picked this black plaid because I already have a red plaid shirt that I wear all the time, but if you want something brighter there are six other colours (blues and reds) to choose from for this classic piece.

Penningtons: Textured Sweater Poncho

I had an olive-coloured poncho in junior high and I loved it. It gave me the coverage I wanted without overheating me. This is perfect for those long days in the cubicle when you are in the zone and need to crush your task list.

Penningtons:  Sports - Plus-Size Ribbed Top

Thumb holes seem to be a love or hate feature for people, but they are just so dang handy when I am trying to put on a jacket without my sleeves bunching under my armpits. 

Penningtons:  Long Sleeve Peplum Sweater

If peplum tops aren’t usually flattering for you, this one may be different. I haven’t tried it on yet, but I’m hopeful that the less structured fabric will give the sweater a nice flow instead of showing off my least-confident area. Plus, their is a cable-knit detail down the side of the arms that screams classic and cozy.

Penningtons:  Plaid Cape

I’m so excited for this easy yet chic piece that can be worn from the office to the football game. I’m definitely going to pair this will my Ugg boots and will have no shame about it either. 

Penningtons:  Two-Toned Cape Shawl

I watched Red Eye in a theatre and it took everything I had to pay attention to the story line when all I could focus on was the belted wrap-sweater Rachel McAdams was wearing. The wrap never flattered my larger mid-section, but this adorable and comfy belted sweater hits the mark and can be loosened for comfort when sitting.

Addition Elle:  Michel Studio Military Jacket

The structure, the hue, the buttons...I love it all! Imaging wearing this with a starched, white button-up and the mblm Distressed Skinny Jean. *The larger sizes are sold out in Sherwood Park as of this posting.

Penningtons:  d/c JEANS Hooded Knit Sleeve Denim Jacket

I have a denim jacket that I love for maxi dresses and skirts, but the sleeves are so stiff that I don’t keep it on once inside. This jacket offers flexibility and range for the arms while still embracing a versatile denim look. Plus, it’s hooded for those windy days at the dog park. 

Penningtons: d/c JEANS Faux-Leather Moto Jacket

I may not wear this often, but it is an absolute essential piece in my fall wardrobe because it can dress up casual wear and dress down formal wear. Pair if with the Ruffled Sleeve Knit Dress for a sharp, bold look that isn’t overwhelming. Tip: If you know you will never zip this up go down a size or two to avoid unnecessary bulkiness at your sides. *All sizes are sold out in Spruce Grove and Leduc as of this posting.

Addition Elle: L&L Printed Quilted Pullover

I only buy items with relaxed silhouettes like this when they are really unique and have a sassy message. I can’t wait to get this and wear it all the way into the holidays. Pair this with the Savvy Printed Ponte de Roma Legging for casual day at the office or with your favourite sweats for brunch at your sister’s place.

Penningtons:  Ruffled Sleeve Knit Dress

This light and feminine dress is pretty and practical with three-quarter sleeves, pockets and one of the colours of the season — cobalt. I would totally pair this will either a black or caramel leather jacket and a messy bun for a quick and trendy look (some thick-rimmed black eyeglasses are always welcome too!).

Penningtons:  Long Sleeve V-Neck Swing Dress

This dress also has pockets and the seem runs down the front centre of the dress to elongate your mid-section. It also comes in grey and blue, but I have always loved plum for fall and winter. 

Penningtons: Sleeveless Fit and Flare Dress

I love this structured but subtle dress. Pair it with the d/c JEANS Hooded Knit Sleeve Denim Jacket for a dressed-down look, or with the Two-Toned Cape Shawl to stun your co-workers. *The larger sizes are sold out in Leduc and Camrose as of this posting.

Penningtons:  Savvy Printed Ponte de Roma Legging

I prefer leggings and jeggings over any other pant because it gives my shape definition. I love the texture of these leggings and would totally pair them with the  MELISSA McCARTHY 3/4 Bell Sleeve Blouse for an important meeting. 

Penningtons:  mblm Distressed Skinny Jean

As a teen, I wanted distressed jeans so badly, but my jeans already had short shelf-lives due to thigh rub. I couldn’t justify buying something that might fall apart even faster. But I consider it a benefit of #adulting that I can now buy these without regret. Bonus: They taper at the ankle so they will slip into boots with no fuss!

Penningtons:  Knee High Wide-Width Boots

I was once told that I have “Scottish” calves...which apparently is one way to describe my very, very think calves. I’ll admit that I have only found one pair of knee-high boots from Penningtons or Addition Elle that have fit my calves (and that is after a two-size increase); however, I think a good pair of “everyday effortless” boots are essential to a fall and winter wardrobe so hopefully you have better luck. And anyone with my calves, keep trying them all on, you will find something that fits one day (and when that day comes, buy two pairs!). 

Addition Elle: Nanette High Boot with Buckle

These boots are also available in taupe and black and are another great option for all of us struggling with wider calves.

Penningtons:  Wide-Width Booties with Knit

Pair these bad boys with black leggings or jeans and a plaid shirt (any colour will work!) and you have an easy, casual outfit. Pair them with the  Two-Toned Cape Shawl from earlier in the post and you will #slay at the office.

Addition Elle: Nelly Peep Toe Laced Ankle Boot

I only wear heels about once a year and this baby is worthy of the occasion. Make a statement while standing steady with this bootie-heel hybrid.

Penningtons: Ti Voglio Plush Bathrobe

 When did you last buy a robe? I’m betting it was at least a few years, if not decades, ago. Or, you have never found one large enough. With the cold weather creeping in fast I can’t wait to cuddle up in this fluffy hug of a robe.

Below are a few honourable mentions that have low in-store stock or are online only.

Addition Elle: Michel Studio Multi-Strap Bodycon Dress

The boldness of the design with the subtle hue is just SO eye-catching! In-store stock is really low on this dress but it is so beautiful that I HAD to include it in my list. All sizes are available online as of this posting. Pair this with the d/c JEANS Faux-Leather Moto Jacket and the Nelly Peep Toe Laced Ankle Boot.

Penningtons: MELISSA McCARTHY 3/4 Bell Sleeve Blouse 

I had to include this one in my list even though it is an online-only piece. The pale pink colour, the flow, and those wide sleeves just sing romance to me. I would 100% pair this with the mblm Distressed Skinny Jean for date-night with my boyfriend. 

Addition Elle: Sangria Maxi Fit & Flare Printed Bottom Party Dress

I almost slam the door when I get inside, making sure to lock it as fast as I can. There was no one behind me but I'm still petrified. I hang my things on the coat rack, grab my dinner bag and re-check that the door is locked before heading upstairs. I'll check at least one more time before I go to bed. This has been my routine for the past eight months.

I can't walk at night, even with friends or family. I panic when I have to walk alone during the day. I wouldn't trust my surroundings even if I was in the middle of a vast, empty field because I wouldn't be able to see behind me. I wouldn't be able to see someone coming towards me unless I continuously spun around to make sure I was alone. I do this, the spinning around, wherever I am. At work, at home, alone in my bedroom, and it makes me dizzy.

The first sign for me that I am completely overwhelmed is dizziness. I can have bad moods and bark at people, or sit at my desk with my music on as I let the tears falls down my face at whatever pace they want. I consider these bad moments as temporary trials that will subside given time. But when the dizziness hits I know something is wrong. It's at this point that my survival instinct pops up and I am only barely in control of what I say and do next.

I've been in survival mode since February and it's making me a shell of anger and fear. I am insecure and doubt myself, can't filter my thoughts and say things I shouldn't, pick fights with people to feel like I can have some kind of control back for just a few minutes, and bury myself with gluttonous amounts of television and food. I can see myself burning bridges with people and I can't do anything about it. The real me is held hostage in a tiny viewing room somewhere between my heart and my throat and can only observe the movements and decisions of my terrorized brain.

Over the past eight months I have broken down in front of my boss more times than I can count. I can't see family without hyperventilating. I can only book a maximum of one outing per week without getting nauseous and cancelling my plans. My confidence fluctuates from scum to hero multiple times a day.

I haven't been okay since February because that is when a family member killed themself. They were a criminal charged with horrific crimes and I couldn't cope with the mix of emotions I had when they took their own life. I was sad that whatever innocent part of this person - if there was such a part buried deep inside - had to die with the evil part. I was enraged that they didn't have to face their victims and attone. I was relieved for the people who would no longer need to share a courtroom with them to testify. I couldn't handle knowing that their death meant moving on because my entire life had been affected by them - not because they had hurt me, but because they had hurt someone I love. I couldn't reconcile all of these emotions while also helping that person that I love. When the suicide letter arrived addressed to my loved one, blaming them for everything and threatening them and everyone else with acts of vengeance to be carried out by their associates, I broke. So I retreated into the tiny viewing room as my fight or flight response took over.

Meet Maxine McDermand, a.k.a. Mackina. An Edmonton-based full figure model, documentary subject, body positive speaker and mother to four children under 10.

We talk about Mackina's upcoming photoshoot with Mary Kay®, upcoming documentary release and how she juggles her fast-paced life while creating lasting positive examples for anyone feeling alone or different.

1. Opened Up

After a year of writing to myself I decided to officially make my body positive journey a public one. I don’t want to be famous. I want to remind myself and others that we are not alone in our struggles and successes. I am still figuring out the right voice for each of the @Weighting2Be accounts that I now share on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter but I know that this will come with time. Thank you for following along!

2. Conducted First Interview

I conducted my first blog interview (and learned that using a phone to record a three hour one-on-one makes it incredibly difficult to transcribe the meeting later). I am still working on getting it all on paper and can’t wait to share my interview with Connie Levitsky where we discuss the power and pain of words and assumptions.

3. Worked It Out

Ballet, gymnastics, soccer, softball, gym memberships...nothing worked for me as a child or an adult. Then I found a healthy lifestyle that let me work my body and mind at a pace I can maintain. Bootcamp workouts and the occasional yoga session offer me solace and help to remind me that I can attain any level of fitness I desire as long as I start somewhere. 

Seen above with full-figured model, and one of my oldest friends, Mackina. 

4. Challenged Myself

With each bootcamp session I was able to push myself a little bit harder and overcome mental obstacles that I hadn’t even realized I had placed in my own way.

5. Discovered Self-Love

I started following only body positive, plus size women on Pinterest and Instagram and unfollowed anyone who I could not physically relate to. I used to see women half my size wearing clothing I loved and would tell myself I would one day be able to wear nice clothes too. It was INSANE.

I was in a yoga therapy class when the instructor had us close our eyes and focus on our breathing while we told ourselves “I love you.” My face, neck and chest were slick with tears at the end of class because I realized I had never, EVER said that to myself. My journey turned from one of physical health to one of self love. I discovered that I need to learn to love myself as is before all else. I am still struggling with this idea, but now I never go a day without looking at myself in the mirror to tell myself “I love you.”

6. Turned Thirty, Flirty & Thriving

I was hyper-aware of my weight as a child and would often skip or limit my enjoyment of things that my classmates and friends could indulge in — like donuts from our teacher in fourth grade that I pretended I was uninterested in as I watched the rest of my class devour their treats.

One of the things I couldn’t enjoy as a kid was a bouncy castle. I swore for years that I would rent one for my birthday. Twenty-one, 25 and 27 (my champagne birthday) came and went and every year I talked myself out of it. For my 30th, I finally put my foot down and told myself that I would get a bouncy house at any cost. It took up my entire backyard and left only a narrow patio space for my guests but it was the best birthday party! I took the time to celebrate myself and aging and it felt so right. This picture of my sister, cousin and I is my favourite from the party.

7. Said Hello

After three years together, I was finally able to visit the seaside hometown of my boyfriend. Having him show me around and share the places that were important to him meant the world to me. I got to know a part of him that I wouldn’t have seen without him going home. We chartered a private fishing boat and enjoyed a choppy, but beautiful, three hours on the Pacific.

8. Said Goodbye

My parents decided to sell my childhood home so my family and I spent the summer clearing out the attic and storage room while reminiscing. This tiniest of leotards that my three-year-old self wore to gymnastics was one of my favourite finds.  

9. Enjoyed Family Time

I was lucky enough to have the chance to join my youngest niece in celebrating her seventh birthday. She had a wicked time watching all of her aunties and uncles play the Pie Face game for her (she couldn’t get whipped cream on her princess dress, of course).

10. Broke Out of My Comfort Zone

I am very self-conscious about my voice even though I spent my childhood in competitive choirs. I never sing in public for fear someone will eventually tell me that my family was just being nice and my voice actually sucks. One day I was singing in the shower and finally thought “enough” and quickly recorded and posted this before I could think twice about it. It doesn’t matter if anyone hears it because in this moment I finally felt FREE.

Bonus Memory: Stood Out in a Crowd

I wore the most sparkly, bright, stunning dress I have ever seen to my company’s holiday party. Everyone stared as I walked by and I didn’t want to shrivel up and hide. I beamed!

I have a bad relationship with food.

This realization hit me about a year ago. It is a diagnosis I have given myself after a lifetime of misunderstanding what food should be - fuel.

I’m actually pretty damn proud of myself for coming to this realization on my own. Anyone who has had to food journal before understands how much freakin’ time I just saved myself and my doctors.

So, one would think that making this discovery would lead me to a state of rationalism.

“You want that can of Coke because you’re tired and nowhere close to being done your work and this will make you feel better because it’s a reward for all that hard work? No, this will temporarily cause you to perk up, interact poorly with your A.D.D. to make concentrating on even ONE task difficult, and then you’ll crash before the hour is over. Drink water my love.”

And this voice of reason does come out a lot more now. But there’s also a wimpy voice in my head. An adamant one that doesn’t like change. One that will advocate for junk food so hard Voltaire would be proud.

“Yes, that’s rational. But, did you consider this? If I don’t drink the Coke now, I will think about it for the next hour. It’ll be in the back of my head driving me crazy while I’m trying to focus. And I have worked so hard I damn well deserve whatever I want. I need comfort. I need acknowledgement. I need to know that someone has my back and sees all this hard work I’m doing because I’m a being that lives on praise and why-do-you-want-to-keep-me-from-being-happy-you’re-a-monster. Fine, you know what, you win. I won’t drink the freakin’ Coke. But I AM going to eat those chocolates!!”

Sigh. My inner food dialogue is no Pixar movie that’s for sure. My inner cute monologue? The one that was named Rainbow Sparkles by that BuzzFeed quiz? Absolutely! But not this beast with two heads.

I was doing really well for a while. I switched to whole wheat breads and rice, I’d started drinking a ton of water, and I’d gotten my daily 3 - 6 cans of ginger ale down to 1 a month. 

[Insert “Holyhannah you were drinking how much sugar a day????!?!? Are you’re teeth rotting?” here.] 

I had been doing great. But then my job changed and the holiday season hit.

To be honest - it’s been an uphill battle since Halloween.

I started to indulge a little here and a little there and before I knew it I was craving sugar again. And don’t get me wrong, I absolutely lay some of the blame on these fatty foods specifically designed to leave us craving more - MMHHHMMM you know who you are Little Red Can of DOOM.

BUT - my biggest problem is me.

The two sides of my inner dialogue are advocating for the same thing - my happiness. But one side inevitably gets tired of fighting and will back down for a bit. And the October-to-January glob of holidays has beaten down my “healthy voice" and made way for the “be free voice" to run amock.

And for the moment I am going going to let it. 

Because holidays, because work, because even “healthy voice” is drunk on sugar and taking a while to sober up.

So, who knows what will happen at my company’s holiday party tonight. I might come home sugar free, dignity intact, with no candy coated headache tomorrow. 

Or, tonight I will look something like this.

“Hi, I’m Maegan and I’m an emotional eater.”