talking to myself

so I guess disregard everything I said, because I binged last night. Ofc, had a screw it night because I wanted more of my leftovers that I was saving for tmrw. But now, I think I’ve realized I need to stop even thinking about wl- even that can cause restriction. I only want to focus on my body, and how it feels.

so wow i haven’t gone on here in a while. mainly bc it’s harder bc i don’t have the app but whatever. so i binged on saturday..and just bruh. with this, i decided to start intuitive eating. or at least trying to. i’m so sick of the mental toll of restriction, which always lead to bingeing, then me basically losing a week of weight loss because of the binge. idk im just sick of it. anyway, for the past 2 days now or 3 i’ve been trying intuitive eating. idk if im doing it right, or if there even is a right way, but honestly i just know it feels nice. i’m eating portions that leave me satisfied and that r healthy. even in such a short time, i have been eating healthier foods. like whole foods. i prob wouldn’t do this if i wasnt listening to my body. before, i just tried to eat lots of junk basically, but now i realize none of that keeps me full, or rlly makes me feel good. now i know what to choose to eat and how it will make me feel. and now i dont obsess over food! well, ive also been really busy with volunteering this week, so we’ll see how the food noise is when im just at home. but anyway, yeah. also, ok so for binge i knew that i was prob 116.0 due to surplus and fat gain. yes, a 0.6lb gain. and only today, this friday, the scale reflected 116.0. that means it took 5 days for water weight and stuff to go down 😭 yeah no i hate binging. it just wasted time and stress u out fr. anyway, that’s my update to myself. ooh! and i also decided to do 16j steps over 21k. but i also added this 15 min bodyweight workout to do 5x a week for some muscle gain..???

ok yes I broke my 1.5 month binge streak..yes I’m depressed…but yes we are back to counting and on that grind. Need to lock in for school bb!!!

wow I still don’t feel pretty. This sucks

so yeah i’m actually gonna count again or try..i feel so unsafe when i don’t count

alr, once again feel restricted/bingey today, and I’m making the decision again to raise cals…to 1500! As I said before, ugh I do feel fat, but I’m also at the weight I’ve been chasing for 2 years! I don’t want to gain it back by re developing BED and stuff. I’m already at a comfortable weight, so I don’t need to sprint for more wl, which lol ultimately backfire on me

shit I think I actually had close to 4K cal…ong did I binge? Bro. Uhh I’m still at lw but woof

OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bro i thought i had to be 116 after the last 2 days, especially yesterday with 3.5k cals! like that was actual fat gain! AND WATER WEIGHT ID BE LIKE 116-118 idek. BUT OMG!! i went number 2/3 this morning just naturally (maybe my body can’t handle a bunch of food/junk anymore) and i weighed myself (bc i always have to idc) and i weighed 115.4!!!!! WAIT I LOST WEIGHT FROM 2 DAYS!!? WHAAAT!! IM SI HAPPY

i’m happy the number is going down and clothes are looser, but the mirror isn’t changing.

I think I might try omad, for more control. Also idk if I said, but if I do 750 cals till August 1st starting tmrw, I’ll lose 6lbs of pure fat- WHAT!!!? Yes boys 😍

Ok wait jk, to reach at least 110 by August is only 730 cals. Like what that’s high!? I think I’ll try to do 750 cals. Ugh I need to remind myself tho..,steps, water, and stay busy!!!!!! This day cannot happen again.

I think I want to try to do 900 cals, because it’s low enough to let me rejecto foods and stuff. It was easier to say no when I was eating 500 cals rather than 1k+

nah ok we are not rewarding this behavior. No ice cream w meds, just water. I need to punish myself and break this habit. Fml.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ugh I’m mad abt yesterday but I’m gonna try to give grace bc my boil was healing and yada yada had to keep elevated, had to take medicine w more food even tho I was out of cals, got new Trader Joe’s groceries 🙃😔🙂‍↕️

WAIT!! IM HAPPY!! So yesterday I was 115.6 and I was like period! But also that could be a bit of water weight right? So I go through my day, and end up eating past my 1k cals, and I’m 10k steps short for my 21k steps. 1.5k cal and 12k steps. And so I weigh myself again, mind u with clothes and a big gauze bandage, and after yesterday and I was scared tbh that I’d see 116 or something but no, I was 115.8!! Which I know isn’t fat gain, and I’m still seeing 115 😆😆😆