Weeding the Garden

I’m not having a breakdown, you are, lol. I’m jobless and graduating my only this spring. Can anyone tell me how we arrived so quickly?

First Day First Year. Fucking Gymboree.

She carries the sunflower theme all the way to her socks. She is all I ever wanted. I dreamed about being her mom from the moment I rocked my first babydoll in my arms.

She’s kind of awesome and stuff. Then. Now.

At the…

We were driving in northern Arizona. Rob had just moved out to the Chandler area, he landed a good job, was renting a nice house, and he wanted to show us his home state. When we started this journey I was driving north away from the city. I started to notice the landscape changing. Elevations that once were so far ahead of us were suddenly so close it felt like I could reach out and touch them.…

it was a lie they fed us. hard work, fair, and honest doesn’t win…ever

It’s so cliche coming in here to write about this. A big life change and suddenly, “I’m going to journal again”. blah, blah, blah…I honestly hate hearing myself talk anymore. I’ve reach the time in my life where I just need to accept myself for who I am. I like to write, but I rarely make time to do anything about it. I make zero time for anything I love.

I’ve worked, and worked, and worked so…

I realize how stupid I was. This is therapy right now. None of it will make any sense. I was so fucking stupid. He didn’t marry you because he didn’t love you. He didn’t treat you right because he didn’t love you. He didn’t respect you because he didn’t love you. He lied to you when he spoke I love you, because he didn’t love you.

It’s a Bargain!

We are learning to do life together right now. Her being raised by a broken woman, we’ve had some issues, but I promise you that I’m always trying my best. She knows somewhere deep inside her, but it still makes her sad. She’s different than other people.  An only child. A sick dad. A fat mom. She just yelled at me, “do you know how hard it is to sit at home and watch while everyone goes on five…

The girl is using my kitchen for banking. She likes it. She’s pretty good at it too. She’s happy. I don’t see happy from her very often so it’s nice.

I’ve taken my final step back from him. The girl brought it up in her counseling and we talked about it in detail. Why it was for the best. She’s so wise, she knows better than me at times.

I’ve been wondering how to do it. Wondering what it looked…

Do you do Hulu? I just started watching their new show Bisexual. It’s really amazing. Loving every second. Deep characters, real life humor. People I want to be.

First day of school in these parts of the world. We jump right back into things exactly one morning after Labor Day.

No rest for the wicked.

Being the most amazing mom that I am, I tried to cram (unsuccessfully) and entire summer worth of activities into one long weekend. There was one evening spent at an up north resort, swimming in the big water, shopping, and lots of eating. There was also a…

It’s a New Week

First of all, thank you to everyone that came in here to give me support the last time I wrote. I haven’t really sat back down to the computer since, but when I was at the hospital, living a nightmare, my phone would ding, and I would see your words of encouragement. They mean so much to me. I don’t want to dwell on last week too much, but I do want to offer you a quick update. Rob woke up, he is…

My World is Upside Down

I want to get in here and write, but I’m a little rushed today to get on the road. I’m dropping Erin and the kids off at school in a few minutes and then I’m driving up north to see Rob in the hospital. I’ve been doing the back-and-forth trip for a couple days now. On Tuesday he was found unresponsive, in what we now know what a diabetic coma, with a blood sugar level of over 1,300. Shit is…

Spending my precious morning hours cleaning up the kitchen that I left a mess last night. I woke up and could smell onion all the way upstairs in my room..ugh, that means my entire house is going to smell. I was in bed, laying there, minutes before the alarm went off, trying to remember what I left out. I retraced my steps to cutting a half of onion, putting it in the pan, wrapping up the other…

Connecting the Dots. The World as I See it Today.

As you know I’ve been listening to A LOT of podcasts. What is cool is that I haven’t just been listening to one show, or even one category. Some days I’m listing to stories, the next drive life coaching, and then after that I’m listening to a physicist talk about wormholes and trapdoors of the universe. It hit me earlier in the week that there is a theme to everything I’m learning regardless of…

Had a bit of a rough start to the week yesterday. Didn’t wake up on time to come down to write. Alarms got jacked up from the weekend, I napped a bit too much on Sunday which caused for a restless night when I did sleep. Yesterday was better, but I dragged butt hard. I’m honestly considering sticking to my morning routine for the weekends considering how awful I felt by Sunday night. Rob’s…

Too Much To Do, So Little Time

May have dragged butt this morning getting out of bed.  May have hit the snooze button too. I didn’t give into the temptation of staying into bed, we’ve done so much good stuff here in the morning and I don’t want to slip backwards, so here I am. I need to get moving pretty quick here though. No time for powerful introspection of my soul this morning. I’m so busy at work and I must get in before…

My Morning Routine – Bulletproof Coffee

I need to lightening things up a bit today. Yesterday, wow, so heavy. Good stuff though. As part of my waking up early process I have also committed to a regimen that goes back to my CrossFit days. Not sure if you ever heard about Bulletproof Coffee, but follow the link and you can read all about it and the recipe. What is it?  It is one cup of french pressed coffee, blended for 20-30 seconds…

Getting Deep. So Much Heavy Stuff Here

I sacrificed some of my writing time this morning to pick up the kitchen a bit. Erin was at a birthday party yesterday when I came home from work and I opted to sit down with my book and put my feet up, vs clean. She’s on spring break right now and she’s like a tornado through the house. As soon as I am finished writing I will be making her a to-do list, which should keep her pretty busy…

The War is Over

I’m asking myself today a couple questions. What is it all about?  Why am I making such an effort to change my habits? I think it’s pretty simple, because I want more. I almost typed that I deserve more, but I hate that word and I hate that mindset. No one deserves anything. If life was based on what someone deserved or didn’t, we would all be in a much different place.  Right!?! When I say that…