hopelessly hopeful.

     HE  LIGHTS  UP  AT  THE  MENTION  of  france,  still  holding  on  to  anything  that  reminds  him  of  home  —  simpler,  better  times.  «  oui,  »  he  responds  almost  proudly.  he  shrugs  at  her  remark.  «  the  universe  finds  a  way,  i  suppose,  »  he  adds,  as  if  he  believes  in  any  of  that  anymore.  but  perhaps  tonight  he  can  entertain  it.  «  i  run  a  company.  boring  stuff  really.  half  of  the  time  i  don’t  really  get  it.  »  florian  shrugs.  it’s  not  even a  lie.  «  though  it’s  nothing  that  can’t  wait  until  morning.  »  as  if  to  make  a  point  of  this  he  throws  his  bag  under  his  chair.  «  are  you  from  here  ?  »

There was a time in Steven’s where he was a complete and utter perfectionist. Everything he did had a plan, had a reason, and was well thought out. So of course, even though in his time away he’d found himself becoming more impulsive and careless in his time away, he was still Steven Chen, after all. When he wanted something, he’d do everything in his power to make it happen. In this case, it meant having a plan for getting Kiraz back, despite the fact that she was already taken. So, he’d left her home before she’d woken up, tidying up the bed as if he’d never been there in the first place and having his driver pick him up. He’d remembered everything he’d wanted to do during the time they’d been together, everything he’d felt they missed out on. So once he’d gotten to his office first thing in the morning, Steven threw aside all of his actual responsibilities and instead spent his time online shopping and ordering everything he’d wanted to give her when him and Kiraz were together. 12 gifts, 12 bouquets of flowers, plus a few more extras for the days he’d missed. Valentine’s day, her birthday. St. Patrick’s day. All the important events. Sure, a part of him had actually wanted to shower Kiraz in gifts and attention, but a larger part of him knew that he had an ulterior motive. Though Steven had remained discreet and not put his own name, he knew Kiraz like the back of his hand, knowing that a grand gesture like that would only make her angry. But it wasn’t as if he could just ask her to come over, especially after how their conversation last night went. So of course, when Kiraz was at his door looking angrier than ever, Steven didn’t look all that surprised. In fact, he was grinning at the sight of her, and letting her finish before speaking. “You look gorgeous,” he said, taking in her beauty despite it definitely not being the time. “What did I do wrong? I said all of those gifts were from your boyfriend. It’s very normal actually, unless he’s not treating you right.” Unlike yesterday, Steven was sober, quicker on his feet than he’d been before. After closing the door, he stepped closer to her. “I meant everything I said last night, Kiraz.”

“Don’t,” she snaps when he compliments her with a wide grin on his face. Leave it to Steven to compliment her when she’s quite literally fuming. It’s like he can’t read the room or something, or maybe just doesn’t care to read the room. There’s a boundless energy simmering within her, ready to be let out. Kiraz’s not sure what angers her more: is it how how he’s grinning, dismissive of her feelings? Or is it the fact that he’s quick to shit on Ayaz? Or maybe it’s the fact that he steps closer to her, and how this, despite her anger, manages to get her heart pounding, her train of thought momentarily disconnecting. She glares at him as he steps forward, looking up at him in defiance and holding her ground. “Don’t talk about him,” she snaps again. “He doesn’t buy my attention with gifts, because he knows I hate this.” It’s pretty low of Steven to shit on her boyfriend, almost like if he tries to compare them both, he’d come in the lead. Yeah, her relationship with Steven had been out of this world, something Kiraz knows she’ll never have again, but whatever it was, she can count on Ayaz to do the one thing Steven failed to do—stay. And that matters more to her than anything else. People at work believed it was from Ayaz, of course they would. But lies always had a way of coming out, and Kiraz feared one of the employees would gush to Ayaz about it. Steven’s extravagant gesture is not only reckless and dangerous, but insulting to Kiraz. If he thinks he can buy her attention and forgiveness with objects, he’s sorely mistaken. 

Every part of him wants her beyond something sexual, something that he couldn’t bring himself to come to terms with just yet. It was easier for Jae to say that his attraction towards Gracia was surface-level, that he felt this way and craved her touch the way he did because he’d always thought she was beautiful. These days, he finds himself being more impulsive when it came to her, never thinking with his mind and letting his desires fuel the decisions he made. From the moment she’d shown up at his place tonight, he knew what he’d wanted. It was her, that much he could be sure of. From the moment he’d kissed her, it was obvious that his want was beginning to look like more of a need than anything, each movement Jae made fervent and growing in intensity. Even if Gracia had wanted to slow down, he wasn’t entirely sure he could, the feeling of her on his lap enough to bring a low groan out of him, hands rising to pull her hair out of its loose bun, one hand right against her waist and the other gripping the root of her hair. Jae felt as if he was tunnel-visioning on her, everything around the two of them lost on his eyes and ears. The initial sound of a notification did little to stop him, continuing to pull her closer for more. But after the third, or fourth ding that echoed across the room, he pulled away only for a moment, a sigh leaving his lips at the loss of contact between the two. Jae had really only thought to check in case it had been something important, his sister, or the vet. What covered his screen seemed to be the opposite, unlocking his phone to reveal several more-than-flirty messages from an unsaved number, including a few of his own he’d sent just the night prior. Deep down, Jae knew it was a bad look, even if it had been with any other girl. He’d never painted himself to be anything more than the guy who casually talked to girls, but knowing Gracia, someone who mattered to him more than anyone, had seen it, had him freeze for a moment before turning his phone off. Maybe she hadn’t see it. But as his eyes shot back towards her, he immediately saw where her own eyes had fallen. “It doesn’t mean anything… that girl… you know that right?” he let out, not knowing why he felt like he needed to try and explain himself, and definitely not knowing how awful the words sounded coming out of his mouth. Jae learned forward again, hands grabbing her waist and pulling her close. “I want you.” His words were spoken firmly before bringing her lips to his again.

-

Is it possible to drown in a person? Because that’s how Gracia feels right now. When they kissed a few months ago, the female rationalized it as a moment of lust—nothing more, nothing less. It’s why it was easy to for her to dismiss her feelings and go back to being ‘just friends’ with Jae. Or so she thought. This is so much more than just a moment of lust, and Gracia can’t bring herself to admit that and think of what it really means. Instead, she’ll bask in the feeling his lips and touch bring her, so positively overwhelming that she’s not sure she’ll be able to think straight afterwards. When he undoes her hair, a soft guttural moan comes out from the back of her throat, one of her hands going into his hair, the other cupping his cheek as she matches the fervency and intensity of his kiss.

She doesn’t hear the ding of his phone. Honestly, a fire might erupt in the house and she wouldn’t notice. It takes her a few seconds to realize he’s pulled away because of the incessant ringing. She unconsciously pouts, missing the sudden absence of his lips, but at the same time understands that there might be something important. She doesn’t pull away, and rests her forehead against his temple as he checks his phone. “Is everything okay?” she asks softly just seconds before her eyes accidentally land down on the screen. See, Gracia’s not one to look over at someone’s phone. Not only is it rude, but it might be a private matter. Under normal circumstances, she’d look away immediately out of respect, but the sight of the raunchy string of texts from an unknown, unsaved number, coupled with Jae’s texts from only the night before holds her gaze there like a magnet. Just like that, a bucket of ice cold water is dumped on her. No, a train crashes into her. Her body feels hot all over again, and it’s not the good kind. She can barely register what he’s saying—something about the girl being unimportant? That he wants her only? What? She feels a little lightheaded, and when Jae leans in to reconnect their lips, she retreats. “Uh—” She gets off his lap, almost stumbling in the process, standing up again, needing to be away from his all encompassing energy—one she had wanted to drown in just mere seconds ago, now an energy she wants to get away from for her own self preservation. She feels sick to her stomach.

The rational part of Gracia knows she shouldn’t be surprised. She knows Jae like her own name. He gets around. She knows she shouldn’t have been stupid to believe he’s not treating her like the other girls. It’s the intense gaze, the way it made her feel like the only girl that matters. Stupid, stupid girl, for thinking she was special and different. Instead, she’s reduced her to another girl that ‘doesn’t mean anything’. She so desperately wanted to be the only girl to consume his thoughts—just like he consumes hers. Was it so wrong of her to indulge? “I... I have to go.” She clears her throat, looking around for the hair tie, but she can’t even find it. She doesn’t actually care about it, she just doesn’t trust herself if she looks at him. “I have to go,” she repeats, chewing on the insides of her cheeks to push back tears. “I just remembered that I, uh, I have something urgent to do. I’ll see you later, okay?” Her heart is pounding in her ears, she needs to get out. She reaches for her bag, and turns to find her way out. She hopes he doesn’t follow her and lets her leave with whatever shred of integrity she has left intact. 

She was special to him. As someone who always had trouble expressing his own emotions, that much he knew. Jae was someone with a reputation for sleeping around, for cutting things off with girls the moment things got serious. There were certain rules and signs that he’d noticed that made it obvious they wanted more. That their feelings for him went beyond something sexual. And in every instance, Jae knew to cut it off, and never let his own feelings catch up to theirs. Yet, Gracia was special. Somewhere along the way, she’d become the exception to every one of the rules he’d given himself. Had it been any other girl, she wouldn’t be sitting next to him on his couch. Had any other girl freaked out after a hookup, he would have kept his distance after finding the truth. The most obvious rule he’d given himself was to not pursue certain girls, especially those that would see sex as more than just sex. He’d lied to himself at the time, and believed that it was a meaningless hookup to him, a night he’d move on from. But truthfully, his choice that day wasn’t something that had come out of the moment. He’d thought about her before, in ways that you shouldn’t really think about a friend. Jae knew beforehand that Gracia wasn’t that kind of girl, the kind of girl he usually went for. Yet knowing that hadn’t made him want her any less. And he’d made the selfish decision to act on his own desires, ignoring the warning signals telling him that a girl like her deserved more than anything he could for her. He thought what he felt would subside, and they’d return to a platonic friendship, an answer that had solved his problems before. Until they didn’t. His feelings remained the same, but not wanting to lose her, he’d agreed that what happened was a one time thing.

It didn’t help though, that everything she did seemed to only make the way he’d felt stronger. Things that girls normally did that turned him off only pulled him closer to Gracia. Even with his gaze on her, even with the flirting and every forward comment he makes, he’s waiting for the okay. He wants to know that he’s not reading everything wrong, that she feels the same as him. “I do,” he says, dark eyes dropping down to her lips, watching as she leaned in. Any noise, as long as it is, is lost on his ears. The screams from the television screen, the quiet buzzing of his phone in his pocket. Jae finds himself tunnel visioning on Gracia, every feature on her face far more interesting than any of his surroundings, his own hooded eyes looking down at her doe-eyed, filled with desire. From the way she leans into his chest, to the look she was giving him right now, it only makes her all that more irresistable, leaving him in a trance. It was as if she consumed his every thought, and for once, Jae didn’t want to fight it or diminish the way she made him feel. The hand that was once pulling her closer moved towards the nape of her neck, other grabbing ahold of the remote and muting the television without letting his eyes leave her. “Focus on me instead,” Jae whispered as he gripped her waist. Just as she had, he slowly let himself lean in, before closing the distance remaining between the two, his own body igniting at the feeling of her lips against his. “You’re so fucking beautiful, Gracie,” he mumbled against her lips, intensity of the words matching the intensity of his kiss. He had no intention of stopping, no intention of slowing down, pulling her body fully against his as if the two weren’t close enough. 

She’s not sure how long she sits there waiting for him to reply. It might be her own giddiness making her feel like it’s been a while, but when Jae says I do, Gracia starts to feel hot all over, heart beating so fast she can barely hear anything going on around her. Jae has a way of gazing at her that feels so focused, so intense, like she’s the only girl that matters, like she’s special. It’s a look she craves and wants, and she wants this particular moment to last as much as possible. It’s a moment she’ll save and replay in her head again and again. Gracia’s not an impulsive person in the slightest, so even in this position, there’s a part of her brain working full-time trying to think of what might come after this, what this means. Would they end up in the same situation as last time? Should she stop it before they get carried away? Maybe. Except, Gracia’s tired of maybes, tired of thinking things through a thousand times. All she wants to do is not care for once, act on her impulses and feelings and disregard whatever consequences and risks that may be in store. And really, when Jae’s looking at her like that, hand cupping the nape of her neck, it’s easy to throw caution to the wind and lose herself in that moment, and just focus on him, like he’s asked, nodding slowly, eyes curious and full of want and need. So many times, it had been a conscious effort for Gracia to stop looking at him, but right now, she doesn’t have to do so. She’s about to lose her goddamn mind before he’s even kissed her yet. When his lips press against hers, a fire ignites in her. Her arms immediately go around his neck, craving the closeness and proximity. Her kiss is gentle and soft, at first, quickly turning deep and needy. If he’s trying to show her how much he wants her, the feeling is mutual, matching the intensity of his kiss. This moment, this kiss feels different than the last one they shared. She can’t place the reasoning, but she doesn’t want to think right now, except she wants to feel—his lips on hers, his hands on her body, and drown in the rush of feelings and emotions the kiss is bringing her. Her cheeks flush a deep red at his compliment, her heart skipping a beat. She doesn’t know what brings her to do this—maybe it’s the desperation for more, coupled up with the sudden burst of bravery, but she finds herself sitting up and moving onto his lap, each leg straddling his sides, keeping their bodies as close as physically possible, not breaking the kiss as she does so. If he has no intention of stopping or slowing down, she is on the same page.

“You guys don’t ever think about getting those bigger ones? Scrunchies or whatever? Those would probably be harder to lose,” he pointed out. Maybe it was wrong, but part of the reason he’d said what he said in the first place was because he liked getting that reaction out of her. Watching her blush did something to him, what it was exactly was what he wasn’t too sure about. His heart skipped an extra beat, a warm feeling rushing over his chest whenever she got flustered because of him. Jae liked to tell himself it was all friendly, that he felt this way because he’d known Gracia so long. But he could only fool himself so much. Either way, watching her grow silent makes his head tilt, eyes scanning over her features in the moment of quietness. In all honesty, Jae wasn’t even that big on flirting. Though his reputation would say otherwise, flirting took a level of effort that he was never wanting to make for something that would only be short-term. Usually, all he had to do was smile and call them pretty. Yet when it came to Gracia, he almost preferred having to put in the extra thought. If she’d been any other girl, Jae probably would’ve already made a move, him keeping his hands to himself and letting his words do the work an uncommon instance for him. “Who said anything about sleep?” he counters without hesitating. Maybe he should’ve taken her deflection as a sign to back off, but truthfully, it only made him want her more. “Besides, I’m sure you’ll stay awake this time around.” Words came with a grin over his face that remained even as the two sat down. He wasn’t at all interested in the movie, unable to pull his attention away from her. "I like yours better,” he replied, mindlessly taking a piece to his mouth as the movie began. Gradually, the hand that once rested above her fell inch by inch, a loud scream sounding out from the television as he let his arm fall over her shoulder, instinctively pulling her closer.

-

See, she thinks she’s growing used to Jae’s smooth words and the way he looks at her. She thinks she knows how to deal with it. That is so far from the truth. Every time Jae says something, her heart starts beating a little faster, her body grows a little hotter, and she finds herself a blabbering mess. The extent of her reaction only varied by how direct and smooth his words and actions are. A few months ago they had agreed that sleeping together wouldn’t change a thing between them. Wasn’t that why she freaked out and avoided him, out of fear he’d look at her differently and she’d lose her friend? They agreed they’re friends and that they are stuck in each other’s lives. She thought that was enough for her to make her move past what had happened between them—except it still plays in her head like a song she can’t get out of her head. She didn’t believe that was the case with Jae. They were vastly different people, and yet he was one of the constants in her life for years now. The mere notion of not having him in her life quite literally frightens her. Gracia is usually oblivious when it comes to flirtations and all, but what Jae says is blunt and direct, there is no debating or overthinking it. He thinks about that night, too. Her heartbeat grows faster and faster, it might actually break out of her rib cage. She’s never felt this intensity before. It doesn’t help that he has his arm around her and they’re sitting in close proximity. He wants her, he wants her, he wants her. All this time she’s thought this is in her head, that it’s just a silly one-sided thing. She’s just being stupid. It’s on brand for Gracia anyway, but no, this is not one-sided. She’s not entirely stupid for being in her own head about this. He thinks about it, too. He wants it too. She looks over at him, focusing on his features. His eyes, which have driven her insane every time they’re focused on her. That grin—it’s enough to make her stop and stare. 

“—You want this, too?” Her voice is soft, softer than the usual, like she doesn’t believe this is actually happening to her right now. She finds herself slowly, very slowly leaning in. Be brave, Gracia, go for what you want for once. A loud sound comes all of a sudden—one of the characters just screamed so loud on the TV it startles her. Right, she forgot all about the movie. Of course she would, when Jae is looking at her like that. “Oh my god. The movie. Oh, the gore.” She lets out a gentle laugh, cheeks flushes so deep red she’s embarrassed. It snaps her out of that trance she was in for a moment. However, she doesn’t realize her hand’s gripping the hem of his shirt. She buries her head into his chest, laughing a little, but all she can focus on is the scent of his perfume. Get a grip, Gracia. Except, she’s lost all sense of control right now, and that’s apparent when she falls into temptation again, looking at Jae with doe-eyes. Their faces are inches apart and yet she’s not making any move to close the distance, but goddamn it, it’s all she wants to do. She can’t focus on anything else.

“Of course.” There’s a thin line that exists between Jae knowing and not knowing what he’s doing. At first, it’d perhaps been more of the latter. The reaction he’d always gotten out of Gracia made him smile, though he didn’t classify it as flirting. But over the years, what he felt for went beyond something friendly. She was beautiful, especially now with her hair tied into a messy bun, and it had become a fact that was harder for Jae to ignore. He’d hooked up with friends of his before, but there was something different about the time he’d slept with Gracia. He didn’t treat it as a normal one night stand, something that he’d move past and return to being just friends. Maybe it was because she’d freaked out. Or maybe it was because he wanted to sleep with her again. He didn’t think ‘friends’ was the right term for how he knew he was looking at her, but it was the only one that could come to mind. “Remind me to buy you some hair ties,” he responded to her ramble with a chuckle, thinking to himself that she looked pretty either way. “You always look cute, Gracie. Besides, I like you like this. Makes it look like you’re ready to spend the night here,” he replied, leaning in to tuck a stray hair behind her hair. He knew what he was doing, gaze on her throughout before they’d taken a seat. “You made it, of course I will,” Jae said, one hand reaching for a few pieces of popcorn as his other arm lifted over the couch, hand resting mere inches above her shoulder. He waited a few moments before pressing play, mind drifting away from the screen as the opening credits rolled. His thoughts were only on the woman beside him, eyes glancing back over to her instead of on the screen.

“I have hair ties! I have a lot,” she adds for emphasis. “Emilia and I keep losing them, but then we find them when we least expect it and when we don’t want them... then we lose them again.” Her brows furrow slightly as she goes off another tangent. She’s about to say something else, but his words knock the wind out of her lungs. The flush that never really left her cheeks grows stronger, and the hot feeling in her cheeks now spreads through her entire being. What? She’s not sure how long she’s quiet for, it might be a few short seconds, it might be minutes. Gracia’s more inclined to believe the latter. It’s not the first time Jae’s said some things that throw her into a spiral, but this time... this time it’s big, there’s so much meaning behind it, meaning that only she gets, because there’s no way Jae’s saying that to get a point across... if she knew him well, he’s just being playful and flirty. It didn’t mean anything to him, but for her, it does. And that is something she constantly had to remind herself of when it came to talking to Jae. When he talks about sleeping over, all she remembers is spending the night at his place after they slept together. This day in particular is one that she’s been trying to omit from her memory and make peace with it, except it visits her every now and then, and Jae triggers it with his words. It doesn’t help that he’s reaching to tuck a loose strand of her brunette hair behind her ear with a focused and stable gaze. She lets out a laugh—albeit it’s a little nervous—and pushes him lightly by the arm. “Are you calling me out for falling asleep during movies? I won’t do that!” Gracia’s not usually smart enough to divert the conversation, but this comes to her like a saving grace. When she sits back, he can feel his arm behind her, hand just above her shoulder.  “You’re being too nice. You can say movie theater popcorn is way better,” she jokes, immediately turning her attention to the movie because the more she looks at him, the more she’ll act like a fool. She keeps her eyes on the screen as the movie plays, completely focused and invested in what’s happening and it shows on her face.

He’d been looking forward to this movie night with Gracia, maybe for more reasons than one. Sure, he liked movies, but mainly, he’d just wanted to hang out with her, a movie the perfect excuse for it. Jae hadn’t ever given any thought as to why he enjoyed being around Gracia more than most, not knowing the amount of comfort that she brought him. For someone who had spent his entire life trying to achieve perfection, he never felt like he had to put any walls around the brunette, able to be himself, or at least a more relaxed version at the very least. Jae also wouldn’t question the way his chest moved a bit different watching her in his kitchen, unable to look away from her even as she was making them popcorn. Her response to his lighthearted compliment was adorable, pushing a smile further onto his face as he stepped towards her. “That’s when you look the cutest, though,” he pointed out, finding her awkwardness endearing. To him, the compliments, the subtle flirting he always seemed to do were normal. Mostly because he only ever said what he’d always thought of Gracia in the first place. “I’m just looking out for you, that’s all,” Jae replied teasingly, taking the bowls of popcorn as they walked towards his living room. “You know me too well.” 

“Cute—Oh. Thank you, Jae.” Get a grip, Gracia, is what she tells herself, but she’s clearly doing the opposite, stumbling on her words and blushing a little harder than before. It’s hard not to feel that way when Jae just called her cute even though she’s clearly looking super casual. It’s movie night, she didn’t really bother with dressing up. She likes nice words from people, but Jae’s compliments always made her feel a little different, made her heart beat a little faster and threw her in her own little spiral. She always had to remind herself and ground herself that that’s just the way he is. He’s a charismatic smooth talker, and he’s her friend, they made that clear to each other a few months ago. Still, she always falls into the same trap. “I couldn’t find my hair tie too, it was a mess. And I couldn’t find my other ones. Like they just... disappeared! Just when I needed them. I was worried I’d be late.” Now she’s rambling about something he totally did not ask about or even cares about. “I don’t know, it seems I’ll be the one doing that.” She giggles and sits down. “It’s not as good as the movie theaters but I hope you like it. Ready to press play?”

Kiraz barely slept last night, especially not when Steven only sleeping in the next room. Their conversation had been a catastrophe at best, and it left her so drained she couldn’t even collapse and sleep. She was bombarded by the mere fact that Steven in back. This wasn’t something she had prepared herself for, purely because she had accepted the fact that he would never come back, and yet here he was, back and proclaiming his love and regret and his intent to win her back, with a care for the fact that she was in a relationship, nor for the fact that their fathers are still very much work rivals. A part of her doesn’t believe Steven, no, doesn’t trust him, and the other part of her is scared of his relentlessness, persistence and stubbornness, and his dismissiveness of the situation they were living in. The Steven she saw yesterday, albeit drunk, wasn’t giving much thought to anything beyond wanting her back.

When she doesn’t find him the next day, she lets out a heavy sigh of relief, because she didn’t want to deal with him before having to go to work. She had a long day, packed with meetings and calls, and she couldn’t afford the distraction or the stress Steven would bring her. She thought it’d be a Steven-free day, except when she first got to the office, she was met with bouquets upon bouquets of flowers, and an influx of gift bags. Her assistant said it was from Ayaz, with a smile so bright and wide, but Kiraz knows the truth. Ayaz wasn’t that type of guy. This was Steven’s doing. Steven clearly gave no fucks to when she told him she doesn’t want him anymore and doesn’t want him to ruin things for her with Ayaz and her family. No, he wasn’t listening to her last night. He was only thinking of himself.

Everything had been great between them, until the confidence that made Steven who he was was shattered. It felt like he was living in two different worlds, one foot with her and the other in the real world. He’d felt… lost. Like he was three different people all at once. Kiraz’s boyfriend, heir to his families company, and himself. Somewhere along the way, he didn’t know who the last person was. And instead of telling her that, Steven ran away. Because how do you tell the woman you love that being with her was part of the reason he didn’t know the person who he saw in the mirror every day? He was bound to hurt her either way, at a loss from the very beginning. Kiraz was cool and collected and rational, and though that’s something Steven would have once said about himself, it was no longer true. He felt everything on a larger scale. His high’s were high, and his low’s were unbelievably low. A year ago, he didn’t know who he was. Steven was unprepared and irrational. But now, he at least was ready. It’s why he knew he couldn’t give up on her, even if there was only a slim chance of the two getting back together. “You’re deflecting,” he let out, rolling his eyes. “Of course I did. Should I go find the receipt to prove it to you?” He was petty, just like her, mostly because he wanted to have a drink. He’d done a great job thus far of keeping up an act of casualness around her, smiling and making jokes. But seeing her after a year hurt, and the alcohol at least helped him keep up a facade for both their sakes. “You don’t have to say anything, Kira. I don’t expect you to move on, I don’t expect you to forgive me right now. I’ll earn your trust back. No matter what I have to do, or how long it takes.” He had no intention of leaving, or giving up on her. Because really, she was the only thing that he was so clearly sure that he wanted. Everything else in his life couldn’t even come close to that. “I can’t. I need you. I need you in my life.” Hearing her say the words make him feel like he’s been punched in the gut, but he smiles through it. “I can always tell when you’re lying.”

Kiraz is at a disadvantage when it comes to Steven. No one knows her the way he does. Even a year later, Kiraz hasn’t really changed much. Her heart just became harder. But what makes her Kiraz Kayalar is still very much there. So when he calls her out on deflecting, he’s not wrong, except she’s not giving him the satisfaction or the confirmation. She’ll fake it till she makes it. Steven’s always been a little relentless, too stubborn, but she can be as stubborn, if not more. “Yeah, go get the receipt. You still can’t drink from it,” she deadpans. He’s already drunk and making a fool of himself, why does he want more? Can’t he tell she’s pissed and unhappy with him being here? Is telling him straight up not clear enough? She stares at him when he says those words, and it seems like the first real thing Steven says since showing up on her doorstep. She doesn’t trust him, he’s right. She doesn’t even trust her to fix this. Not that she wants him to fix this. She’s doing fine with her life how it is. She has Ayaz. He’s a good guy. He’s respectable and polite and nice, and being with him makes her family proud and happy. What more can she want? “I have moved on. I’m with someone else,” she reminds him, tone straight forward. “I don’t want you to try, Steven. You need to let me go and move on with your life, too. You were perfectly fine doing that a year ago. Just do it again.” God, she needs this conversation to end, Steven’s making this so difficult and she might be angry, but she’s also heartbroken. No matter what she does, he’ll always own a big part of her heart. She’s trying not to give Steven the encouragement or the upper hand. However, she knows him too well. Hardly anything stops him when he sets his mind to it, except, she’s not letting him ruin her a second time. She’s not. “No, you don’t need me. That’s a lie and you know it,” she seethes. He left her for a whole year, did he forget? “And I can tell when you are, too.”

She didn’t want to be mean. She didn’t want to hurt any more than she knew she already had. Jessica wants so badly to do what she had done for years and brush off what she felt to make him feel better. But it couldn’t be that way, she refused to live that way. Jessica had to remind herself that everything she felt was valid, and that she wasn’t an awful person for wanting better. This was better, right? She felt awful right now, but in the long run, her plan made sense. That was the only thing she could tell herself in an effort to calm down. They’d get through this week, and then she’d feel better. Jess forces a smile on her face, and she secretly hates how good Mason is at pretending. He’d always been the more friendly of the two, charismatic and a people person. Jessica fell short in that area, a chronic overthinker that needed to be in control. Still, friends were friends, so as Mason put her bag in the car, she slipped into acting mode and put herself in a good mood. It’s easy enough, lies about her and Mason slipping from her lips without much thought. Once they’d settled into the car, Jess had to hold back a face at Mason’s comment. She definitely did not want to go swimming. It was too risky, and even if she was a strong woman, she still had needs. And seeing her ex-boyfriend shirtless in a pool was the exact opposite of what she needed. Still, their friends didn’t know that, so she had to play along. “Mhm, we should all take a swim when we get to the place. It’ll be nice,” she replied, shooting Mason a look, thinking he was up to something already.

He finds himself side-eyeing Gracia at the perfect moment, pretending that he’s still looking forward and holding back a reaction to her expression. Jae knew her well enough, knowing that what he said and the little innuendos weren’t lost on Gracia. “Mhm, protective. I won’t leave your side, in that case. Wouldn’t want you worrying about me,” he joked with a grin. Maybe it was because he’d known the brunette his entire life, that he almost liked trying to get her out of her shell. Of course, she was perfect the way she was in his eyes, he just thought she was a bit shy. Jae had never been that way, even as a kid. He was told he was great from a young age, and even if he didn’t carry any cockiness to his demeanor, he’d never been shy. “They’re not that bad, trust me,” he replied. Jae nods along to her plans, thinking that finishing a book and learning some new recipes sounded more relaxing than it did fun. But he wasn’t one to judge. “Maybe, I’ll see. It’s tough, you know? I should probably take more time off, but if people need help, there’s not much I can do besides work,” he answered with a shrug. In the new year, he’d learn how to be a better business manager, and hire more people to help, instead of doing it all himself. Seeing the tint across her cheeks reminds Jae of a time the two has rarely talked about, and for a moment, he thinks back to when they’d hooked up, the look on her face feeling all too familiar. Jae finds himself pulling her closer to him, glancing down at her. “You’re real brave, I bet,” he says. “What if I get scared though? Will you hold me?”

     HE  SHOULD  BE  CAUTIOUS,  HE  KNOWS.  it  wouldn’t  be  the  first  time  he  entertained  a  beautiful  woman  only  to  wake  with  a  broken  heart,  but  florian  is  nothing  if  not  a  dreamer  —  well,  whatever’s  left  of  the  old  florian  anyway.  «  it  is,  yes,  »  he  nods,  giving  the  bartender  a  smile  as  the  drink  is  presented  to  the  woman.  «  claire,  »  florian  repeats,  tasting  the  name  thoughtfully.  «  oh,  so  that’s  why  you’re  here  ?  to  save  me  from  myself  ?  »  he  jokes,  letting  a  hint  of  his  french  accent  seep  through.  he’s  found  that  comes  in  handy  when  meeting  new  people.  «  can’t  say  i  don’t  appreciate  it.  it’s  almost  as  if  you  knew  i’d  be  here.  »  though,  of  course,  that  would  be  ridiculous.  «  so  what  is  it  you  do,  claire  ?  »

As much as they had in common, they managed to have just as many differences. Once upon a time in his life, he was more like her. Perfect, Type A. Steven cared about what everyone thought about him, wanting to be the perfect son he was raised to be. But nobody tells you how exhausting it is to be perfect, and how often it means that you compromise yourself in the process. In all honesty, their relationship was probably doomed from the beginning. If Steven hadn’t left, he would’ve self-imploded on his own. The two of them being together was the opposite of perfect, it was the opposite of everything they were born to do. It was hard for him to not look at his ex-girlfriend and only see himself as a jagged edge in the perfect picture she’d spent her entire life creating. He was the one who’d changed, grown out of the perfectly sculpted shell made from him after it nearly suffocated him. It was why he didn’t care what other people thought about the two being together. Loving Kiraz felt like the first time he’d had an original thought, someone who made him feel human and not a robot made to lead an empire. “Why? Just because you can’t say the truth out loud doesn’t mean I shouldn’t. You forget I know what it’s like. Being perfect, caring about everyone opinion of me. Don’t tell me you’re not tired of it,” he spoke. The sip of whiskey only calmed him down in the slightest, before she’d dumped the remainder of his drink down the drain. “Hey, I bought that bottle a year ago, it’s mine to drink,” he argued. “You’re so tense, maybe you should be the one having a drink.” Sex and booze were the obvious destressors in their lifestyle, and he couldn’t exactly recommend the former at the moment. “Yeah, I fucked up. I left. I broke your heart. I ran away. I disappointed every single person in my life. You don’t think I know that?” He stops himself from saying more. The last thing he wants is to look more weak than he already does. He watches her for moment, stepping towards her and bringing his face close to hers. “Tell me there’s nothing left between us. Look me in the eyes and honestly tell me you feel nothing towards me. I’ll stop, and I’ll leave you alone.” It was another gamble, one that he was less sure of this time around.

Falling in love and being in a relationship with her father’s business nemesis’s son was never in the plan for Kiraz, but no one had understood her the way Steven did. The family pressures and the self-inflicted pressures to be the best you can be, no, to be perfect, was not something she was able to talk about with anyone in her family. Not even her friends. No one understood. Somehow, Steven had come into her life at a time where she needed him. He understood her, shared her sentiments, her fears, her goals. It was as perfect as it can be. She had resisted her feelings at first, because she was not a rule breaker, she was no rebel, she didn’t disappoint people, but eventually threw caution to the wind and gave in to her feelings and emotions and gave all of herself, body and soul, to Steven. It’s why it had wrecked her when he felt. She felt betrayed. She lets out a sigh, closing her eyes for a split second, before she looks up at the ceiling, his words successfully ringing in his head. “You know what I’m tired of ? I’m tired of telling you to stop whatever you’re doing when you’re not listening,” she retorts, looking at him, arms crossed, refusing to acknowledge his words. Except she doesn’t need to, he knows already. He’s always known. “You didn’t buy that.” He did, but she’s feeling so salty and petty right now she doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction. “I don’t want a drink. I just want to sleep.” She actually does need the drink, but she doesn’t trust herself around him if she had a drink or two. “Good thing you know you did that, Steven. I don’t know what you want me to say. Applaud you for admitting and acknowledging all that?” Though him verbally expressing all that is like a knife to her heart. She looks at him when he challenges her. Steven will always own a part of her heart and her thoughts, you can’t just move on from Steven Chen, but she doesn’t trust him not to hurt her again, not to disappoint her again. “Just let me go, Steven. Please. There’s nothing there between us anymore.”  

“I feel very safe in your hands, Gracie,” he replied lightly, tone still teasing her. Of course, it was natural for him to not take things seriously. Concrete things like work and his responsibilities were when the more careful, cautious sides of himself shined. But Jae held the belief that feelings were fleeting, habits of flirting and dating around something he had never questioned in a serious nature. It was why despite Gracia’s change in behavior after they’d slept together, he’d never given thought to there being any lingering tension, especially after they’d cleared things up. It was harmless, wasn’t it? He also hadn’t given much thought to thinking that her blushing was something he found cute, and after seeing it the first time, he couldn’t resist wanting to see that look on her face again. To be honest, he wasn’t sure he’d ever seen her in that light before they’d slept together. “Exactly,” he agrees, only to shake his head at her next words. “I’ll make sure to send you a text the next time one gets brought in. And a picture too,” he responds. Jae was sure it’d be a while before that ever happened though, considering the scarier looking animals weren’t all that common for a choice of pet. “Good. Any other plans besides watching movies?” he asks, shooting her a glance in curiosity. “Sure you aren’t,” he said with a laugh, clearly unbelieving of her words. He isn’t all that surprised to be truthful, but that doesn’t mean he passes up the chance to tease her. “Don’t worry, I’ll be there to protect you,” he says, a charming smile crossing over his features as he slings his arm over her shoulder.

And just like that, something inside of her snaps. “I can’t keep doing this with you, Mason. Four years. I let things slide off my back for four years. I waited for you to start being responsible for four freakin’ years.” Her voice grows in volume as she progresses before letting out a deep sigh and bringing her hands to her face. She had no idea how she’d get through this trip. Everything about being around Mason felt incredibly difficult right now, Jessica at a crossroads within herself with the man she still loved. She didn’t expect anything from him anymore, didn’t expect him to grow up. He couldn’t even be on time today. It was something small, and Jessica was sure any of her friends would tell her that no partner was perfect and that she should get over it. But at some point, she knew she had to put herself first, and that all the small things eventually added up into something she could no longer handle “Let me go, please,” she let out weakly, eyes turning away from him. She knew she wouldn’t make it if this went on, if she got a glimpse into the side of him that she’d loved for so long. It was easier to picture Mason for all the reasons they didn’t work out. Unreliable, immature, careless.  Nobody would understand why a couple that loved each other as much as they did would break up, which was exactly why their friends couldn’t find out just yet. Because she’d chosen herself over love, she’d be the bad guy for breaking her ex-boyfriend’s heart in their eyes. She nodded at his words. Focusing on the trip. And not their relationship. “Right, it should be easy. Simple. I’m sure no one will notice a thing.” She let the silence fester for a moment, crossing her arms over her chest as a car approaches, Jessica knowing it was time.

“Fair enough.” It was all that he could say, even if Steven knew in his heart that wanted it more than anyone. But sadly, he wasn’t in a position to say that. He’d left, given up, reached his breaking point, and in turn, he’d left the woman he’d loved more than anything else in this world, more than he loved himself, heartbroken. Towards the end of their relationship, he’d checked out, hiding what he was feeling from her and hiding that he was struggling because he’d always been too damn proud to ever admit he was weak. Everything felt suffocating in his life back then, and in the beginning, Kiraz felt like his breather, his peace. His person. Until reality and responsibility crashed down on him once again, and he was left with nothing. Despite it all though, he couldn’t say it to her. Even if he’d been blackout drunk, Steven knew he’d never be able to say what he was feeling back then out loud. Being stupid and careless, and disregarding how serious the situation was, was far easier for him. And to some extent, it was probably his only option. Because if he couldn’t just shrug it off, he’d knew he’d have to admit that seeing his ex-girlfriend look at him the way she did right now was one of the worst feelings he’d ever had. He’d have to admit that the daggers she shot at him felt like they were piecing through his heart. The mix of emotions probably made him come off bitter, yet if was preferable to the alternative. “Why not? Who gives a shit, Kira? A few of them have probably seen me sneak out before anyway.”

“Consequences,” he repeated the word with a scoff, shaking his head. “One of us needs to be reckless. That’s how we got together in the first place, no? All of these consequences only exist because you care too much about what the rest of the world thinks.” Truthfully, he knew he wouldn’t be sleeping on her porch, taking a gamble by saying so. As expected, Steven could still read her like a book. Yet the way she pulled him inside didn’t make him feel like he was on the winning end. In fact, it only reminded him of why he had doubts in the first place. One was careless in their relationship, uncaring of the risks for the sake of their love. The other was cautious and careful, hiding away without consideration to protect what they had. It was hard to imagine a life together that wasn’t in the shadows. “You really haven’t changed,” he replies, pushing a grin on his face in response to her anger. He slid his shoes off by the door, following behind her into the kitchen. Everything seemed to be in the same place as it’d always been, and without a second thought, Steven opened the cabinet that he distinctively remembered stocking up over a year ago, pulling a half opened bottle of whiskey out and a glass to go with it. “I know you think that I’m drunk, and stupid, and careless. And you might be right about a couple of those. But there wasn’t a day that passed that I didn’t feel like shit for what I did. I hurt you, I hurt us both.” The reluctant words leave his mouth with a sigh, bringing the newly filled glass to his lips and downing the contents.

The use of the nickname doesn’t go unnoticed by her. It’s something as simple as that makes her freeze momentarily. It’s a conscious effort to bring herself back to the harsh reality she’s in now. “I give a shit, Steven. We’re not together,” she deadpans, feeling the need to remind him. She doesn’t say it, but what she’s implying in her words is there: he’s not worth the trouble she’d get into when they’re not even together and are a thing of the past. A year ago, she would’ve said something entirely different—that he’s worth it and more. However, things have drastically changed between them, he drastically changed things between them and he has to live with it. He had broken her trust and that is something that carries consequences. She’s not about to disappoint her parents and ruin her relationship with her father for a guy who broke her heart. His following words have her seeing red. It’s true, she cared about the world thought. It wasn’t just when it came to her personal life. She always wanted to make a good impression around people. She wanted to make her parents proud, and she thrived whenever people complimented her. She aspired to be the best version of herself at all times and with that came the pressures of a perfectionist. “You don’t get to say that stuff right now. You can be reckless all you want, but leave me out of it. I want no part in this.” She’s tired of repeating the same words in different phrases. Is Steven even listening to her right now? It makes her feel like she’s talking to a wall. Her eyes narrow when he reaches to drink more liquor. As if he needed to get any drunker. She approaches him and takes the empty glass from him. “Who said you could drink?” She rolls her eyes, before she goes to put the bottle back in the cabinet and the empty glass in the sink. “Thank you for feeling like shit for leaving me here after everything. Wow, I feel so much better.” The sarcasm is clear and evident, dripping from her lips poison. “Honestly, Steve, these words mean nothing to me. You fucked up. You left.” It’s not he doesn’t understand what his actions did to her and to her heart.