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@wayofescapism
I just want to cry and cry and cry and cry till no more tears would come out.
I just want to run and run and run and run till I forget the sorrows I feel inside.
I just want to go in a far away place and forget everything I know and ever recognise just so I can start anew.
I just want to leave this life I now walk because happiness is either just temporary or fake.
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Because life sucks..
I promised myself to never come back to this hellhole ever again. But promises are meant to be broken.
I can't stop my anger inside; the hatred that have been accumulated; masked by positive emotions.
I am back because no one will ever get it. No one understands. Not even him will understand. No one ever does.
Is it my fault that I don't treat him as a baby anymore? Is it my fault that I'd rather let him learn on his own?
My petty reasons as to why I do it, but to me, they are valid.
You tell me that you've supported me, but have you really? Just because he's more obedient and respectful, you'd favour him over me. Why? When I was younger, were you always there for me to me that FUCKING support that you speak of? You were FUCKING there? Fucking bullshit! You never understand why because you weren't there for me and now you tell me that you've given me support, yes most likely, but you never guided me really. I did it with the help of others. You make me do things I don't want to do by myself, on my own, because you wanted me to learn, but why is it that when I make it do it by himself, you get mad and tell me that you've supported me before.
Yes, I do support him, but there are things which he can do by himself.
Fuck. I hate you.
Life sucks and I just want to die.
We live in a small, sad world. No one can really help you. You really have no one to rely to.
I feel absolutely shitty
I don't know why. Probably because I feel frustrated. I can't do anything right. The person who I love, although he didn't mean what he did awhile ago, I can't erase it in my mind. I'm scared. I've told my bestfriend, but I can't share this fear with anyone else. It was my decision but I can't phantom ever facing the consequences. I feel like I am being pushed away too. Everything is changing. My mind is racing. My heart beating fast. A stream of consciousness. I want to just cry. Do you know what I hate the most? Having no one there when I feel sadness.
At the end of the day..
Hey, I'm been awhile huh since I've been emotionally stable. It's weird. I feel empty, but let me be. I'm shutting down for my own good. Today wasn't supposed to end like that or well that's not how I imagined it. But curiosity killed the cat and as I once said, I am that cat. Due to this curiosity, I got an answer. Guess, I just need to get used to it. I was only a bit teary awhile ago, I mean, why should I even cry then and there but his last word was the trigger to all the water building up on my eyelids. Far out! I couldn't even stop myself.
After that, his words were mute sounds to my ears. Why are guys like that? At the end of the day, they're all the same.
At the end of the day, after eating the same ice cream flavour, they get bored and find for a new flavour. Ultimate rejection to the first ice cream flavour.
At the end of the day, I was not even worth 10 or 12, not even 5 but instead I'm worth nothing. Plain worthless.
At the end of the day, my happiness is always temporary. A short-lived one.
At the end of the day, it's better to be alone, because loving someone would just leave you emptier the next time they leave you.
Bye again, I now need a time to think.
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At times like this, when not even happy songs can make me smile, I just want to scream and shout and vent out all my frustration in another way. All I could do is cry. I feel so annoyed, frustrated, angry, lonely and just broken inside. I hate myself a lot at times like this. That moment when I know I shouldn’t be feeling jealous but I am. That moment when I want to make him feel better but I can’t because I’ve contributed something for him to feel like this. I hate myself because I’m stupid, I easily get jealous, I’m awkward and I can’t converse properly. But also at times, I wonder why, I feel like I’m not even special to be mentioned by him. I don’t know. It’s killing me inside. It’s painful. I despise myself for everything. Why can’t I be special? Why I can’t be that someone he can be proud of? Why can’t I even make him smile whenever he’s down, instead I become more of a burden to him? Why am I even like this? Sometimes I feel like, he doesn’t deserve a person like me. I feel like he should’ve not liked me. I feel like he should find someone better, someone who’s not going to annoy him and add to his problems. I feel like he should find someone who can converse to him and have a normal conversation with him. I feel like someone like me, doesn’t deserve him. I don’t deserve him. And I hate myself.
"A Thousand Years"
Tears started flowing as soon as she began singing along with the song. A song that when she first heard, she fell in love with. The first time she sang it and heard it, only one person came to mind. The person who made her smile. The person who made her laugh extensively. The person who'd say lame jokes yet she secretly would laugh on the inside. The person who she never thought she'd ever like, or start loving. She never would imagine singing it to him. Ever. She thought it was only going to be a figment of her imagination. But she was given the chance to. She stuffed up as she was nervous. It felt surreal. Everything felt surreal to her.
And now, tears just wouldn't stop flowing whenever the song is heard. Never would she imagine the day that she would be singing this lovely song, would be the day when they'd have a fight. All because of her massive stupidity. She used to think that he was dense, but he isn't. She didn't know what came to her, but those words she uttered, were words she would want to take back. Her words that change the eyes of the person sitting next to her. The words that ruined a bad day, making it worse for her and especially him. The song that used to make her smile as she remembers him is now the song that would remind her of her stupidity. The song that reminds her of how she nearly broke something so fragile. The song that reminds her that it's possible and she's capable of doing something that would hurt him.
I never knew that this family is more stuffed up than it already is. I only just found out the greater dark secrets this family holds. My parents' relationship isn't as strong as what they show us. Listening to her words, I felt tears welling up. This family I grew up believing to be normal, is finally showing up each and every flaw it has. And really, the things I know is just probably the minority of the whole picture. I don't know what to feel. What to do. What to say. Somehow I know deep inside that I am slowly sliding down again. I've lost grip of the happiness I've been feeling. Now, once more, I'm allowing this black hole to suck me in. Not resisting or anything. Just allowing it to drag me to it's innermost core, if ever it does have a core. But I know, that once again, I am back in the place. Back where I was a year ago. And this time, I really have no one.
As of now, my friends are the only ones keeping me sane.
At times, I really want to give up. Many times have I thought of just breaking things off. As of now, you don't need any type of distraction and as of now, I don't need to feel more pain. I want to be strong. I want us to be together for a longer period of time. I don't want to regret anything. But idk, at times like this, I just want to let go. It's bad enough already back then, but it's worse now. At times, I think to myself, have I made the right decision? But also at times like this, only my friends can help me and really, they make me realise that there are good things despite the current bad things that are happening. They make me remember the good memories I have of you. -sigh- I just wish I can concentrate on my own studies.
I wanted you badly. I wanted for us to stay like that. Damn it! Time, why do you fly so fast when you don't need to and fly so slow when needed. T_T time to concentrateeeeeeeee.
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Ever felt like..
I don't know.. sad? The feeling that you're waiting and looking for that someone, but you aren't sure if they feel the same. That moment that you keep checking your phone, just in case they messaged you back, hoping and wishing that they did. But no, nothing. That moment when your phone vibrates and you drive straight to it, thinking that it's them, but again, no. It's a feeling I don't like because I am wasting my time. Instead of doing things that may benefit me academically, I finish nothing. If this was to continue on, I don't know what I'm going to do. I seriously don't know.
17 and a day
And here I am just wanting to leave this world. It’s just so difficult because she can’t even understand that she is usually the root of all this. I want to shout out loud, but nothing will ever change her perception in things. I’m sick and tired of living, really. There is no point anymore. I don’t care anymore. If living is like this then what’s the point. If she can’t even understand then what's the point. She doesn’t even listen to any explanations given. Fuck life. I just want to leave. It’s not like she’ll care anyway. It doesn’t matter. I’m so tempted to just end it all using my own hands.
8 hours left..
Yet I feel lonely still. Today is nothing really special. It's just a day when I turn a year older. Nothing happened today. It is just any other day. I can't blame my family for not taking me anywhere. Mom is sick and there's nothing I can do about it. My dad's in a different state and again, there's nothing I can do about it.
There's nothing to complain about really. I have everything I need that would sustain me for the next couple of years. It's just that I feel like now that I don't have Facebook, hardly any of my friends remember. I mean, a few did. I don't need presents anymore. I'm pass that stage when I crave for a gift from someone. It's just that simple greeting that I'm after. That simple greeting that shows that somewhat they remember that I just turned a year older. I don't know. I just feel sad. Sad that I can't fulfill one of the goals that I have set last year. I can't even be with that person since they're busy and just because it's my special day doesn't mean I should bother them. It's no one's fault that today turned out like this. I mean, it's just another day and life goes on.
I want to go back to yesterday's events
and be with you, replaying those memories. Hah! They weren't great, but here I am wanting for more. AHHHHHH!!! Dammit.
Fuckkkkkk!! I just hate everyone! I hate everyone, I swear. I hate this day. I hate everyone surrounding me. I hate every fucking thing they do. I hate how they fucking act, treating me like I'm just some thin layer of air not worthy to be noticed. I fucking hate how I feel today. I want to dieeeee. Like seriously, what's there to even look forward to? Nothing. Everyday's just an endless cycle of events being repeated. I hate life. I hate life. I hate myself. I hate how I'm sinking down again. I hate how I can never get out of it. I hate how I'm not beautiful. I hate everything about me. I hate everything. I just hate everything. Fuck my life, really. Fuck my life.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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I'm not sure as to what I am feeling right now
I am crying, but I'm not sure as to why. I feel sadness and all types of emotions.
I just came home after watching my school's play. And really throughout the whole play, they talked about love. Some parts would just struck me deeply within, I don't know why. And now I am feeling like this. I enjoyed it, I really did but somehow, I feel sad.
Things started entering my mind. Things that I tried to forget, but sadly it's not that easy to just push it aside. I like him, sure. But if you ask me if I'm ready to actually continue on, I'd say I'm not too sure anymore. Is it enough to like someone for you to battle along with the problems that come your way? I am happy when I am with him and that's the thing, I am slowly getting used to his presence that I am wanting to be more with him. And I don't want to feel like this. Even when he assures me, I can't stop feeling jealousy. And I don't want that either. He has his life and I have mine too.
I feel like I've rushed it all. Everything's new to me. I feel like I can't cope up with all these emotional unstableness. It's like I'm happy and then I feel sad later on.
Ahh damn it. I don't even know what I'm typing. I hate myself.
I can't take it.
Inside, it hurts.
Inside, a lot of things are going on.
Inside, I am slowly doubting my capabilities.
Inside, my insecurities are ruling.
Inside, I know I'm not good enough.
Sometimes, I just want to give up but would I be happy if I do?