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Is it too much to ask to go underwater with you? You said you weren’t afraid of depth… so prove it to me.

Title: it was the perfect June day

It started off at her favorite coffee shop in the city. She either had her usual latte or a classic hot black drip. She knew she was a snob in some ways, but she couldn’t believe she was now a coffee one. Brown water just didn’t cut it anymore.

She sat around with friends as they talked about the development of the city and how tourism could potentially help with the current economic structure. More tourists means more profits. They mulled over the depressing state of actually meeting profit margins… on time. Ick. Ew. Who even does that these days?

After a good coffee chat, they headed to a nearby yoga studio, where she was able to contort herself somewhat gracefully, into 26 poses invented by a guy named Bikram. Legendary, almost.

After the sweat and the heat, they made a last minute decision to jump into the ocean versus taking a shower. The water was cold, yet so refreshing after the heat. She pretended to be a mermaid for a minute. She wasn’t an island in the sun anymore, she was part of the peninsula now. Life is safe in the bay for all the underwater creatures.

They swam safely back to shore, feeling cooled and cleansed. The salt brought energy back into their souls. There was nothing in the world that the salt water couldn’t cure. It was just like heaven.

After a small slice of heaven, they decided to go back to her place for a vegan lunch of quinoa, beans, and bell peppers. They couldn’t talk during the meal because everything was so delicious. Nutritional yeast made it happen.

After lunch, she made the drive back to work. She mingled in the office and pretended to look busy. She did do some actual work after the matter. She made some calls, met some people, and hoped that profit margins won’t be the topic of discussion at the next meeting. Because once again, ew. Who even likes to make money these days?

After work, she decided to entertain herself with performance art. She put on an act. She was an actress after all. And happily so.

She had a good night.

And then another good morning.

She was crumbling. She was left in pieces, but her mom was there to pick them up. Her mom, who was dealing with her own issues, carried a quiet strength that no one could top.

Her mom, who had warned her about everything since the beginning, was right again. It annoyed her, yet surprised her, that her mom was always right. She couldn’t deny the truth anymore. Especially, when it was shoved right in front of her face. It was like she got pied by surprise. Yet, she still wanted her cake, and to eat it too. Darn.

Her mom had her room waiting for her - cleaned and cleared. There was always space for her, her room was a constant reminder that her mom cared and was waiting for her to come home.

Her mom prepared a hot meal of rice, soup, and simple veggies with meat. She ate happily. She felt warmed. She felt grateful. She regretted the times she chose fast food over her mom’s home cooked meals. She wish she could go back and take back all the horrible things she said to her mom when she was angry. She didn’t mean it; she was just being mean.

In truth, she loved her mom. She prayed for her mom’s health and happiness. She prayed for her mom to be fulfilled. She prayed for her mom to find love so fulfilling it would fill her with all the peace, love and joy in the world.

She would do anything for her mom. She decided that if her mom needed her kidney, she would give it to her. She was ready to sacrifice it all.

She was lost. She was broken. She was defeated. She accepted her loss. She was scared. She didn’t think she had anyone left.

Her dad took her in. She finally felt like she could breathe. They drank coffee, smoked cigarettes, and read books together.

He told her that she was loved.

She knew that being practical would get her far in life, because sometimes, that’s just the way magic works.

People wondered if she actually worked. She does. She did a lot. A lot of it goes somewhere - she just didn’t know where.

Her mom liked to calm her down with coffee every time she had a break down, or a breakthrough. Her mom did a lot for her. Her mom spent her whole life dedicated to making sure she would have a great life.

She was determined to be good for her mom. She wanted to make her mom proud. She wanted her mom to know that the thousands of dollars that her mom spent so that she could be literate meant a lot.

Thousands upon thousands upon thousands of dollars were dedicated to developing her brain. Yet, most days she was left with just a few brain cells left to function. She didn’t want her mom to feel like all of her money was wasted.

So, she decided to stop getting wasted. She decided she didn’t want to be waste anymore. Maybe it’s about time to turn her waste into something with taste.

She knew plastic waste is a huge problem in society. What will everyone do? At this point, it was inside of her as well. Can we save this plastic planet?

The tropics. Pt. 1

I’m dreaming again, but that’s okay, it’s what we do. We make the dream work.

I wake up, and this time, it’s next to you. I take my morning beverage just the way I like it so that I am jolted. We decide to go for a run/hike with the dogs. Runyon canyon, per usual, you ask? No, let’s go somewhere else today, I say, somewhere only we will know. Hidden hills are everywhere.

The forest was cool, the hike was hot. We wrapped it up by grabbing iced and overpriced lattes on the way back from our favorite place in Melrose. He asked me if I wanted to eat anything, and I told him I was only allowed liquids and air until the afternoon.

We got home, and he dressed me up again. Skirts and shirts and sandals layered the floor while we decided on the right fit. I really need you to lose ten pounds by summer, he said. Yes, I replied. It’s industry protocol, he said. I know. He knows. We know.

Lunch was at a local diner. I had to order the salad. There was no free bread. He politely asked me not to drink anymore soda. I couldn’t resist and ordered a Diet Coke anyway.

The party wasn’t until the late evening so we decided to go for a bike ride as well as shopping. We cruised down the river together, passing by locals who looked bored, and tourists who looked interested.

He bought me a necklace at Atwater Village. I thought it meant nothing, he told me it meant everything. I didn’t know what to believe. Should I believe in falling in love again?

Dinner was salmon for two. He told me loved to cook, and he loved to cook for me because it’s one of his special skills. He told me he made good bread. I asked him if he wanted to break his bread with me. He replied and said he could get baked with me.

We arrive at the party together and he asked me if I wanted something to drink. I said I wanted him to let me whine about anything I want, because it was a Wednesday. He said, I could whine as much as I wanted when we got home, but I really needed to just be prettier than a picture for now. I smiled, even though I haven’t whitened my teeth for a while.

I’m sorry.

I don’t know why I told my friend that I was grossed out by you. Especially, after you passed. I felt bad about it. I still do. Because you know what? I wasn’t grossed out, I just said that so my friend wouldn’t know how much I like you. Which, at the time, wouldn’t have mattered anyway, because you were gone.

We spent our formative years together. You watched me grow up. And then we got together for a while when we were adults. I think, for a moment, we loved each other. We did.

I’ve spent years wondering why you had to go, even when I didn’t want you to. If you would’ve just stayed, we could have a chance to mold the clay into something. Who knows.

Why do I keep running back to you? Probably because you’re home, and you’re all that I know. You’re the only place that knows me, like really knows me, and you know why you know me like that? Well, it’s cause you made me like this.

Okay, so like, all my fave bands from the early 2000’s are all going back on tour…. Like weezer, Jimmy eat world, dashboard, and NOW Taking Back Sunday & Thrice ?! What in the whole wide world of music!

I’m thinking about you again. Bright lights and dark districts blaze the trails. Did you know that Griffith park is rumored to be cursed? Are we cursed? If so, can we break this? Can we breakthrough?

The curse started when the land was dubiously stolen from the family that owned the park originally. Is that why I had the moment that I had while I was there?

Who knows? Some things remain a mystery, and some events are just part of the story.

Who was I when I was home? Who was I when I left? Glowing towers and glitzy stars inflate the entire city with hope, with dread, with fear, but mostly with love.

People flock here to find the fantasy version of themselves that they couldn’t find in their hometown. Maybe they wanted visibility, recognition, fame, success, and all the riches this glittering place had to offer.

Small town folks with big dreams line up the buildings hoping for their next break. This is it. Dreams come true. They really do.

Let the light shine through

You’ve been in my heart from the start. The minute I start seeing the bright lights of downtown, my soul feels the familiarity of family and home. This is it. I’m back. The memories flood - the good, the bad, the ugly. I am reminded time and time again of why I left, and yet, constantly circling back.

What made me leave? What brings me home? I left because I wanted to see a place that was more concerned with real stars in the sky rather than the stars in Hollywood. Are both equally important? Perhaps…. Perhaps not. Those are thoughts for this audience to ponder and answer. What is important to you? Who is important to you?

There’s just something in the air these days that make it really nice to stay home and bake all day. Maybe it’s the first chill of autumn? I love harvesting during fall.

I’ve decided to go back in time and start my tumblr journey… again. Hello all! :) Welcome to my world of navigating millennial motherhood and mental health.

I remember struggling back in 2010 and loved my tumblr peeps who helped me through some really dark times. So, why not get back into it again? I’ll be more consistent this time.

Okay, here’s to a good day. A great day. I hope you know that every moment of your life matters, even the super bad painful moments that seem like they’ll break you.