lelia - active sep '23

i want to try a low carb vegetarian diet next week- its essentially just berries, leafy greens, tea, nuts, and some cheese. i would be eating largely salads and cottage cheese with fruit, landing at MAX 1000 cal, although that would be bloody hard to reach on salads. the aldi near me has some keto parmesan puffs i may pick up to change up the salads if i decided to do it longer

the scale i have been using is low battery and simply displaying my last bloody weight when i step on it instead of my current one ;-;

you know its getting bad again when you start leaving wrappers from things you didnt eat in the trash and smearing sauce from dinner on a plate and putting it in the sink so it looks like you already ate when your partner passes by the sink. everything feels sneaky and i hate this feeling, when i was a teen and i was isolated it was a bit easier but now its a cool rainy night and im laying in bed next to someone i love dearly knowing they love me too and i am lying to them. i am hurting myself and that is hurting them too. but how can i recover? i don't even feel sick enough to explain what im dealing with.

ive been maintaining at 101kg for a wee bit over a week :(

my lax just aren't working these days, did they make them weaker recently or perhaps this is my sign to cut it

i should go to sleep but my body gives me the worst sleep schedule ever. a bonus is my partner sleeps like a normal person so i have after 11pm to free scroll tumblr ana posts in bed

i got my first "wow you look so different, you lost a lot of weight" today since my last restrictive relapse but it didn't feel good. it made me sad remembering that everyone notices my weight everyday, for that to be the first thing they say when they look at me. i understand it of course, but thinking about everyone always watching my body is a wee bit devastating. and well, part of me thinks i dont deserve to be told i look different till im under 90kg.

i binged yesterday after a very rough day and my purging was ineffective, shite sucks. im going to start part 2 of the sweater weather diet from today until its over on the 28th, today is 1050cal. i can't weigh myself today after binge but i am nearly certain my sw for this diet is still 101kg.

my will to be very skinny is about 20% to feel thin and 80% to look as sick as i feel and for my pain to be taken seriously