Muse

What if when we die the light at the end of the tunnel is the light to a hospital room? We are born and the reason we come out crying is because we remember we died and lost everything in our past life. As we grow we forget everything but patches of memory stay behind and come back as deja-vu.

Everyone slowing down as a cop drives nearby is the adult equivalent of the teacher coming back to class and everyone pretending they aren’t doing anything out of the ordinary.

Imagine going to a restaurant, ordering a burger, and when you take a bite a huge metal spike stabs you in the cheek and drags you into outer space. Being a fish must be terrifying as fuck.

We need a universal hand signal when driving to say “I realise that I fucked up and I’m sorry I fucked up, but thanks for having great reflexes and correcting my error for me”

white kid: if ur mexican why cant u speak spanish fluently :/ me: lemme hear u speak some of that 11% finnish 2% scottish 45% italian 31% dutch, 100% puta

If I leave every hour to smoke a cigarette no one bats an eye, but if I leave every hour and do push ups because I started a new workout routine everybody gives me crazy looks.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for a few days

It used to be that ‘treated like a dog’ was a terrible thing. Today, I’d give anything to be treated like some dogs.

If all of a sudden I stopped aging, I wonder how many years would pass before I noticed.